Get busy living... Or get busy dying..

Hi Blondie,

U soooo deserve ur holiday.... I love ur attitude on this journey.. Ur determination shines thru 🙂

I know ur Dad would be so proud of u Blondie, U have done brilliant 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xxxx

hi blondie

Carl

so I posted this on rachs diary in response to something she posted about the 12 step recovery programme which AA and GA follow. This is my experience and my understanding of what the recovery steps have meant to me so far and i thought it appropriate to post on my diary as its relevent and has got me to the place i am today.

This is what the steps have meant to me so far, it’s just my interpretation of them and how they have helped me.

The first step for me took me the longest to admit, I had tried it my way for 20 years and it had not worked and was never going to, the first step although it takes about being powerless, I know i am powerless over gambling because once I start I cant stop but I found this step quite empowering, it empowered me to begin my journey of recovery, I found some peace in accepting the things I couldn’t change such as the negative effect gambling had on me and my life. I quit. I give up on my headstrong ways of I could control my life, I couldn’t and never will be able to control gambling.

Step 2 for me told me that there was hope for a better life as long as I was strong or I could tap into that source of strength, Id found some strength from step one even though it was the hardest one to take, step one knocked my ego that I was in control, that I was strong, that my life was ok, this came down to all the masks that my ego created to enable me to keep gambling but In a weird way step one empowered me to know there was another way and I wasn’t weak and helpless, I could start to take back what gambling had taken from me and every day I did that I felt more powerfull.

Step 3 I always knew this one was going to be the most difficult because I am a complete atheist really but again I just think that goes back to my ego, nothing is more in control than me, its my life i am not giving it to anyone they don’t know what I want, etc..

If I take this step I might have to admit i am religious and therefore I will have to admit I was wrong, ego talking again, so for me this didn’t mean I was surrendering to another’s will. i.e. the god of your understanding, it meant that I had made a decision to give up my old life of addiction and commit to a gamble free life based on what ever my HP represents and for me it represents love, the love I had and will always have for my dad, for some reason I had never felt love so powerful before I lost my dad and yet now hes not here I feel that more than ever, that love is my driving force to keep going to be a better person, to change, to grow , to knock down all the walls I had built around me from bad things that had happened in my life when I was younger. So I surrendered and became my own source of strength if you like but not in an ego way.

Step 4 for me is the freeing part, the part where I go to counseling, where I start to open up to the people I love, I’ve always been a closed book, never let people in for fear of being hurt or not worthy, or laughed at this was the step where I started to talk about all those dark secrets and bad things that happened to me, loss for my dad and start to break myself down into little pieces with honesty about the person I am. Why do I always have to be right? Why am I so hung up on perfection ? Why did I have such a bad relationship with my eldest , Was I taking out what her dad did to me on her ? Why can’t I say sorry to people when I know i am in the wrong, ? Why do I not take criticism to well, why do I Sulk like a baby sometimes, why do I worry about things I can’t control. But I also got to know my self more and also my addict self, it gave me a deeper understand of the what makes Christine the way she is, what makes her tick, what excites her, what does she need that she doesn’t have This is a life long step for me as I change I need to keep going back to step 4 to keep my ego in check. This step means action for me you cant just right your faults down and then get on with life, this step means that cattle prod that ive mentioned on my dairy when I know that im displaying one of these behaviours to kick myself into action, to think about the situation and what I need to change.

This is where I am in the steps its taken me 8 months, I haven’t rushed them at all, Im really scared about step 5 because then I have to sit down with someone and go through the step 4 and tell them everything about me and that will leave me feeling vunerable (see step 4 lol ) but what’s the point in going onto the next one if you don’t feel or believe the last one, I think I do steps 11 and 12 now on here and when I chair the on line g.a meetings but I know I can do more.

I believe that they absolutely do work without question if done properly.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Afternoon.

Popping in to wish you well.

Think you and i are similar in the length of our recovery.

The only step i have taken as yet is step 1.

Maybe I'll have to get the orange book out and give it a read.

gazza

Hi Blondie,

Was gonna comment on your post on Rachs thread and was really pleased to see it posted on yours.........Very inspiring!

What a lady you are....so proud to know you!

Enjoy your holiday hun....jeez if anyone deserves you do!

Sue xxxx

Thanks for sharing the last post Blondie.

Irene

x

So its friday and my boyfriend is on his way home and we get to spend at least 2 weeks together and if things go according to plan he will be here for good. That makes me so happy sustaining a long distant relationship is hard sometimes and 3 years of that is enough for anyone. That makes me so so happy . The cosmos played a blinder when it bumped us together. So looking forward to christmas which will be tinged with a few tears at my dads empty chair but I carry him in my heart everywhere . No gambling today and no intention of spoiling that. It will be 8 months for me on sunday. Thanks for the posts everyone. Take care. Blondie xxx

Hey oh Blonde One,

Thank you very much for your post... it did mean a lot that you thought of me in your "Christmas Messages" phase.

And like the TP quote.

Glad to see you still cool and froody, and I wish you all the best for this Christmas and the New year.

Jon....

Cant find the quote I like at the moment... but it goes something like " If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... you are in a cave,"

All the best for the rest of this year and the beginning of the next.

Good Morning Blondie,

I posted on my own diary about your post on Rach's diary. I hope everyone gets a chance to read your take on "the steps" All I can say to you lady is, Respect. If I do not get a chance to repost before the holidays I just wanted to wish you and yours a very merry christmas. Your Dad is in heaven/your heart/mind/ and dreams/ just beaming with pride. -joanxxxx

Thanks jon and joan for the posts . 8 months today no gambling just out getting the last of my stuff well actually its my bf I was done weeks ago men eh lol. Looking forward to spending some time with all the family mum is coming tomorr to stay and only 7 days to my holiday yayy so excited now . Would like to wish you all a fantastic christmas may it be happy peaceful and gamble free. Take care all xxx

Yo,

Merry Xmas Hun.

Thank you for laughter and the support you have given me this year.

Well done on your 8 months , and sooooooo pleased your BF will be getting to stay with you .

Treat Tuesdays every day lol.

Lots of hugs ,

Shiny xxxxxx

Hi Blondie,

Just wanted 2 wish u and ur family Merry Christmas, i know it will be tough, I hope u can remember ur Dad and smile, he will be sooo proud of u 🙂

Thank u so much 4 all ur support in chat, it means a lot 🙂

Stay strong xx

Hi Blondie

Wishing you a "Merry Christmas and Happy, Healthy and Gamble free New Year"!

Thanks again

Irene

x

8 months!! Way to go blondie. That really is great stuff. Never forget how far you've come, what you've achieved and how much you've changed. Your leading the way for so many and an inspiration to all.

Hope you have a brilliant Christmas. Its always nice to get the family together. I know you'll have a great time. Holiday coming up aswell. What a way to start the new year!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Off to pick mum up soon who will be here for christmas and new year.

No gambling to report but have been getting a few palpitations and panic attacks, never had these before and no idea what has brought that on and why im getting then, dont feel stressed as such. Something to watch out for i think.

BF is here and we did a big of yoga last night to try and take my mind off the panic attack that i had, its really scarey and i so hope i dont get any more.

Anyways off to do one last clean of the house.

I wish you all and the gamcare staff a very happy , healthy and peaceful christmas.

Thank you so much for your advive, help and support in 2012 i couldnt have done it without you and for that i am very gratefull.

Take care all

Blondie xxxxxxxx