Give peace a chance

Thankyou Mixer & changemylife, i appreciate your support.

Had a troubled sleep last night dreaming about gambling, the addiction continued badgering me for a couple of hours this morning but think it's passing now. I have just had a very productive 4 days and was feeling quite chuffed with myself, maybe the addiction was telling me I deserved a reward ! I really don't know.

Life is treating me well, the future looks promising. I am starting to regain some self respect and hope. A sharp contrast to my gambling days when I was in a horrible dark miserable place and very sad. My music choice today is a reminder of those lonely nights after a gambling binge when everything looked so hopeless. Everybody Hurts by The Corrs. It was originally a big hit for REM but I prefer the Corrs version......When your day is long -- And the night the night is yours alone -- When your sure you've had enough of this life -- Well hang on don't let yourself go -- 'Cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Hi Stephen, Glad to hear life is treating you well and the future is looking bright for you, always enjoy reading your posts and you are a good example of hows things can change for the better, also enjoy your song choices each day and the reasoning behind them, keep up the good work mate your doing great.

Hi Stephen thanks so much for posting, I think your right...The thoughts of the time and money I've lost pops in and out of my head. Then you feel vulnerable and have to be on super red alert! Ref you dreams, I read in another diary that gambling doesn't like you to have a positive outlook but you are doing well to be strong and keep it at bay, Great to hear your enjoying your course, exciting! Haven't posted much here lately as am flat out at work but try to check in everyday for my own benefit and see how people are doing, such a great community feel and has really helped me for sure. Take care and hope those pesky dreams stay away S:)

Thankyou for the posts, really appreciated.

Chartom ....your doing really well. That first month is very difficult but your through that now . I imagine you will continue getting urges to gamble because most of us do. Any temptation you do get however is unlikely to be any worse than what you've already been through, so just keep doing more of the same. No doubt the dog will enjoy all the walks.

Sharon .... always reassuring to see your posts. I know your busy but it's good to see that you keep on top of your diary. Some friends post on their diaries only occasionally which works for them. I feel empowered by telling my diary every day that I don't gamble. We all work on our recovery in our own way, but it's good to know that our friends are ok. I say friends but after all we've been through I think of you more as my gamcare sister. Take care .....stephen

Hi Stephen,

Strange you talk about dreams, I had a vivid one two nights back where I dreamt I gambled a tenner and to explain where the tenner went to my wife; I was panicking. Then I woke up thinking -phew, but then realised a had gambled the tenner and very ashamed of myself. Talking the talk and not walking the walk - ridiculous.

Then I *really* woke up; I had *still* been in the dream! Bizarre!!!

It's my pay day tomorrow do so I see this as a warning. Not to do it. But, thankfully, being GF, payday is just another day.

Love the song choice. The Corrs are one of my favourites and their song "What can I do to make you love me", is, as I see it, I cry from my CG self. It's to respect one rule, re-visited daily: not to place a bet today.

Have a great day everyone.

Mixer

Love both of them songs:-

"What can I do to make you love me" - a desperate plea? Well if it's the gambling demon wanting love and attention - it can get lost.

"Everybody hurts" - I think it originally came out about the time when Diana died. (: It has meaningful lyrics and a sad melody, but also carries a message of hope.

Being hurt - emotionally or physically effects everyone and we just have to deal with it; to pick up the pieces and re-build our lives again.

Thankyou Mixer, great lyrics on the Corrs song. Glad to know i'm not the only one having the odd gambling dream. I suppose there will be some confusion in our unconscious minds as it adjusts to being gamble free.

Enjoying my new mantra ' No more the fool i'm gonna be cool '. It don't get much cheesier than that but I don't really care. As long as i'm not gambling anything goes. I might be an idjut but i'm a gamble free idjut. 20 Weeks today without having a bet -- how awesome is that ! Whoopee -Yabba dabba yabba dabba dooo - Yihaaa

Going back 40 years for my music choice today. A time of materialism and excess, when addiction seemed to be commonplace amongst celebrities with alcohol and drug issues. I understand their is a difference in addictions but I believe we all share a common problem....Hotel California by The Eagles....The band are vague about the meaning behind the lyrics, but many believe Hotel California is an analogy for addiction. The final verse confirms that in my mind ....Last thing I remember I was running for the door -- I had to find the passage back to the place I was before -- Relax said the night man we are programmed to receive -- Yes you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.

Excellent song choice Stephen from the excellent Eagles. The lyrics, as you infer, very dark and very symbolistic of our addiction. It is true, we can never leave this addiciton. But we can keep it at bay, one day at a time... but...

There's another way of looking at it. We are free, from the moment we decide to stop. We have to visit Hotel California every day, to make our vow; that's our penance. But the day we stop making our vow ("today I will not gamble") we are pushed immediately back in the Hotel, door slammed shut behind us. What we see, on the surface, seems plush, glizty and fun ... but it's hiding a fiery, inner hell.

No thank you. If the "price" is one vow a day, and sticking to it, that's good enough for me.

And "Everybody hurts", another amazing song, changemylife, could well be a metaphor for all those we've hurt over the years during our addiction.

But no more! We want the best for us - and those we care about.

Never again, and it's just one simple vow, just once a day.

Have a great evening all.

P.S. 20 weeks today - what a meaningful milestone that is. I doff my cap, Stephen 🙂

Thankyou Changemylife and Mixer. Always interesting to read your views on the addiction and strategies to help in my recovery. I know I will get gambling thoughts for a long time, but thats all they are, thoughts. I know what to say when the urges come along. An essential part of my recovery is to make regular posts in my diary, a small price to pay for a gamble free life......

140 days gamble free for you today I believe?

Huge congratulations!

Adam thankyou for the post, I have replied on your diary.

Feeling good about life. Had a swim yesterday and went to college for my English class. Finding it a lot of fun, it's not like been at school and it's friendly and relaxed. It's free for everyone as is the Maths, so it's very good value. It will also be a big help with my Creative Writing course.

Feeling confident about recovery now but will not forget the countless times I gave in to the addiction and went back gambling. I became a standing joke when friends tried to help me manage my finances. They would keep my bank cards and give me money as and when I needed it. Always a way round it for me though. Friends where sympathetic but in all honesty they had heard it all a thousand times before and had no faith in me.

My music choice today reminds me of all the times friends would say; "Yes Stephen, we've heard it all before".....Too Good At Goodbyes By Sam Smith .... You must think i'm stupid -- You must think i'm a fool -- You must think that i'm new to this -- But I have seen this all before .

Just heard on radio poetry and spoken word festival coming to hull. Now they're playing Sam!!

Thankyou your merriness. Loads of poetry and performance in Hull just now. I'm at GA tonight but will catch some of it over the weekend. Enjoy reading your posts and hope you and the sewing machine will be very happy together. Little quote for you.....Change the needle -- Change the thread -- Adjust the tension -- And try again ( Take a deep breath ). Now is that referring to sewing or compulsive gambling do you think ?

Hello Diary. Feeling good, 142 days on the recovery road.

Attended GA last night which was really interesting. Enjoy the meetings but like many recovering addicts I don't subscribe to the 12 Steps Recovery Program. It is a fundamental principle of GA but I rarely hear of people giving it their heart and soul.

Is their a God ? And if so would he really be bothered with our selfish moaning and groaning.

My Angels tell me their is a Higher Power but the nature of it is beyond my comprehension ! My music choice today is ....I shall not walk alone by The Blind Boys Of Alabama ....When my legs no longer carry -- And the warm wind chills my bones -- I reach for Mother Mary -- And I shall not walk alone ....

Fantastic song choices Stephen, have listened to them both.

I'm away for a couple of days, just me and my young son, to a place with gambling availability but Ive only taken a minimal amount of cash plus small reserve. Not tempted to gamble in the slightest and all my efforts can be on him.

I'm not particularly religious but when I look up at the sky, and look at the swirling cloud and the millions of colours of a sunset, I think - if there were a God, he/she can certainly paint a picture...!

All the very best today Stephen... I'm on Day 50!