So I am back, was here a few times before, not usually for long, as what I was seeking was control, not to stop.
Now I want to stop.
I am 42. 25 years I had my first ever bet, on Melbourne Cup day. 25 years later it ended on the Melbourne Cup. £14 each way, a symbolic gesture, I knew I was done.
And the irony of course is that after 25 years of not backing the winner of that race, it ended with a win.
So in between those 25 years and now was madness. Using Einsteins definition I cant really describe it any other way. Basically at 17 I decided that this was what I wanted to do. This was my escape from a real job, from real life. There had to be a way.
So in 25 years I have lived half a life. Always I lived with this, but if the last 14 years were lived in a mist, the last 9 have been lived in a fog.
In that time I had runs, big wins, really I was close to complete success and living on a beach somewhere. But all were done with chasing and I always wanted more.
In between I had the terrible lows and thats how I have ended up. At the start of another 5 year debt plan just to get square.
And in life I have gone through in a daze. Barely a meaningful relationship, no house, not too many friends. A reasonable job somehow but it should have been much better.
Even up to last week I was still looking for a way, to try and fix things. But I finally think I can't. I finally realised that when I bet, it is all encompassing. I can't see outside this bubble and I think I have to, just to see what its like. I hate the losses too much, they gnawed away, demanding to be fixed. I wanted to fix my thinking, so my brain would accept, but I never could.
So after all this time and all this loss I am giving up the ghost.
Wish me luck.
Sounds like me 20k in debt chaseing losses. Just noticed in here I joined 1st may 2009. Wished I'd stopped then. Now I have a few yrs of c**P life then I will be free of debt.
Bloody casino rang me at work today trying to get more money out of me lol. I can't play online any more as cut phone line off. And data on phone is not much. Just need to stay away from bookies .
Yeah Im about 55 but hey when it gets this big it just seems hard to take in.
Yeah I wish I'd stopped in 09 too.5 years ago to the day I said if I lose today i stop. I lost but didn't. 5 years later here I am.
All the best Carl, tell the casino to P off.
Good luck gambling is a parasite on society and all our lives are better off without it. Your words about the fog are so true I hate the day I found gambling but I am where I am. Lets make every day a good day from here on out.
Good luck gambling is a parasite on society and all our lives are better off without it. Your words about the fog are so true I hate the day I found gambling but I am where I am. Lets make every day a good day from here on out.
Thanks Michael, appreciate it.
All the best too.
Failed again. Can't now pay rent, eat or pay my debt management plan. Going to once again rely on the understanding of others. Wish me luck.
I wrote the below because this has to be my last chance. So this is the last statement.
This has to be the end of things. This has to be the reason for everything to change. You have to be something else.
You are too far gone now with impulse and addiction. You have done the wrong thing for so many years that you can't stop.
You have to stop.
Right now everything is out of control, utterly. It is tied in with alcohol and it is all about the risks, the buzz, the chasing, the place you go to in your head when you do this. This is your drug and you need to escape it.
You need to retrain your brain.
And this will take time. And you have to be serious about this. This is going to hurt. You will get withdrawals.
But you have to do this.
You have to take away the temptations, get rid of the bad habits. You have to stop looking at your phone, at the odds, at the flashing lights. You have to do something else. You have to lose the compulsions. You have to stop doing the wrong thing and barely knowing that you are.
You have to retrain your brain.
And finally there is no magic date. Every one you ever tried you failed on. Every time you justified a new date. And failed on that.
There is no date except 9572. The start. Before we didn't realise how it should be but now we do.
It's the final statement because it's the final time you chased the madness.
Whatever else happens in your life, it has to be dealt with, and lived, without this.
This is no longer what you do. It's no longer who you are.
It's over.
One of the toughest days of my life. I haven't started to try and beg for money yet, I can't even bring myself to do it yet.
Just lying in a darkened room remembering all the chances I had to make this different
I don't actually know if I can do this. How many regrets are too many?
The only thing I can think is that nothing I have done for 9 years was really with a sound mind. But that doesn't mean I can get that time back.
Well was very close to falling back today...if had had proper reception on my phone I probably would have. Out of nowhere too, I was just mentally praising myself for being good, the next moment I was looking to place a bet. Talk about your brain being out of control...
Well thanks to mate, brother and sister my rent and debt management plan are paid for the month.
No thanks to the bank who wrote that they are taking my overdraft away. My fault for not adding it to the plan but I wanted to keep a second account in case of emergencies and I have been with them for so long and they had always been good to me.
So another problem to solve...
Another day trying to do the math of how to survive but I admit it does look a bit more possible...small slivers of hope.
My brain keeps suggesting to me that betting is a good idea but so far I have ignored it.
Retrain the brain...
Bread and butter for dinner...
So this is how the ex gamblers live...
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