Going to keep this thread now!

Yep, he's a psycho! He has been spying on me on Facebook. Got the full truth from his ex girlfriend - she has had anonymous death threats which she can't prove are from him but he's been given a caution by the Police to stay away from her. Really could do without this 🙁

I broke up with him. I was wrong about him spying on me on Facebook but I could not get past the doubts I had. It's the strangest feeling because he could be completely innocent and undeserving of this but I just can't take a risk on it.

We were not suited to each other in a long-term way anyway. I do miss the physical contact, the affection, the hugs and the rumpy-pumpy. It's not the be-all and end-all though. He has been gambling again recently and confided that he lost an awful lot of money due to compulsive gambling in the past. He was made bankrupt. There is a lot about him that is emotionally unhealthy and it would be hard to have an intimate, connected relationship with him. There is a lot that is emotionally unhealthy about me! It was nice to have someone to cling to during the recent storms. I must stop clinging to relationships that are not right for me out of attachment to affection.

Having a boyfriend for a few months has curbed an urge, a longing for what I hadn't had for a long time. Curbed my loneliness. I want to be single now for a while. Wait for the right person to come to me.

Still pretty lethargic, depressed, anxious and so on. Just taking it one day at a time, I can see small improvements week-to-week already. Patience is the key word, I think.

I have surrendered to my pain today. Really let myself go into it and feel it. My pain is there for a reason. It's real and it's valid. It makes my body stiff and sore. It makes me anxious, angry, defensive, scared. I was in the shower when it really peaked. I saw myself in my mind's eye curled into a ball, into the foetal position, just in agony. It feels good to surrender to it. To let it in and let it wash over me. I'm not running away from it when I do this.

I watched a video on addiction today on Face book that talked about all addictions being an attempt to escape from pain. I think this is very true. It is hard that we live in a society that is very disallowing of pain. It's not the done thing to weep in public. People try to cheer you up when they see it. They think it's because they want to help but really it's because they're trying to escape their own pain. It triggers them. I hate when someone tries to shut me back down when I'm in pain. Feels like trying to hold in a volcano with a cork in the top. Not good. Very painful.

Hi Freda,

Thank you for the message yesterday.
Sorry to hear you are struggling with your emotions. You mentioning the FEELING of it all, really related to how i feel. It's strange isn't it. No comfy blankets, no way out...sit, aknowledge, feel and let it pass. It always passes but for me usually comes back not long after lol...and here we go, repeating tbe cycle.

I know my issue...i just don't know how to go about it. But, work in progress i suppose...as everything in life.

Listen, hope you feel better today and can enjoy your day. All of them are different and remember - the mind is stronger than anything on this earth. Let it work wonders, help it to see the positives you have around you..and you have it ☺

Keep your head held high and keep marching on.

Stay safe & sound

S x

Thanks, S x x

I am feeling my fear today. It's painful. It's trauma-based. It's fear of non-survival. It's fear that I won't be able to earn money to support myself and this inability to support myself financially will make my life excruciatingly hard to the point where I either die or want to die.

It comes from being so crippled by anxiety and depression at times that feeding myself and keeping a roof over my head have taken all of my energy ie - just about surviving in a very precarious way. At the same time being given various messages that it is not acceptable to be in this state and that being in this state is my own fault and means I don't deserve basic things like safety, food and shelter. This is what our benefit system does to people. The more this reality is confirmed to me the deeper into trauma and survival level fear I go. This is my truth. It is good to be able to put it into words.

On a good day I can see that it's not my fault that I have been unable to function in a job. I have chronic depression and anxiety and it is crippling. It takes all of my energy some days just to get through it in one piece. I have very little surplus energy for things like patience so when someone is rude to me or puts me down I get angry because it's so hard to be around people to start with, that anything that makes it harder feels unbearable. I'm scared of people criticising me, I'm scared of people pressuring me, I'm scared of people abusing me, I'm scared of people getting angry with me, I'm scared of people not wanting to be around me when I am in pain, I'm scared of things getting any more distressing when I am distressed. I feel like I am sinking.

I went to stay with my Mam for a few days last week as the depression and anxiety were so bad. We ended up falling out and I went to stay with my Dad. I've had to make the decision to distance myself from my mother for a while. She is very sensitive, takes things personally, and worst of all for me - gets really angry when she is hurt. It's a really spiteful, vicious kind of anger and it scares me. I don't feel safe around her.

I have been trying to maintain a relationship with her as she is getting older and I do want to be of help if I can but I am always a bit on edge around her and feel uncomfortable and anxious in her presence. It triggers anxiety really badly. In the past, she used to get bitter and angry if I didn't see her, so I would try to see her regularly to prevent her from getting nasty but f**k it, I have no energy to tiptoe on eggshells around anyone. I don't want to be around her and being around her I feel unwell. It's OK to do this for the benefit of my health. If she doesn't understand then it's tough.

I got back together with my boyfriend. I'm still not sure we have enough in common to "go the distance" but he cares and is there for me - and I need that right now. We'd split up because I was scared he had sent threats to his ex girlfriend and harassed her in a sinister way. He showed me the record the police gave him when he was cautioned and it said "harassment without fear" meaning he did not threaten her or behave in a way that would cause most people fear. She also told me when I contacted her that he had never been physically violent. So, I think he finds it hard to let go and tries to stay in contact despite someone not wanting to, but if that is the worst of it I think I can handle that. Worst case scenario - if I'm wrong to be giving him the benefit of the doubt, I do know that he is genuinely deterred by the threat of the police. He knows that if anything similar happens again he will get a criminal record and when I was freaking out and thought it was worse than it was, he was genuinely deterred when I threatened to go to the police. He made no contact when I threatened that. We'll see what happens, I guess.

I have felt very afraid and very low today. It's a fear that I'm "not going to be OK". A non-specific feeling, feeling like my wellbeing is threatened. It is understandable since I've had some intense episodes of depression lately, including experiencing one right now. I have asked for more help, though, and have had my medication increased and am on a waiting list for some CBT. I'm having counselling at the moment which is helping a bit but not as much as it usually would.

I think it would help to write down a list of positives:

1) I have somewhere to stay if I am feeling too afraid to be alone. I can go to my Dad's or my boyfriends.

2) I have good friends in the neighbourhood who don't mind that I'm unwell. I don't have to hide my anxiety or depression from them.

3) I love my friends dogs and it helps me to stroke them.

4) I'm physically healthy and have a healthy blood pressure. This means my body can withstand these strong emotions.

5) I gave my friend a Reiki treatment today and enjoyed it. I wasn't sure I'd be up to it.

6) I feel better for having company when I'm depressed. I felt better once I got to my boyfriend's yesterday and usually feel better when I see my friends.

7) I have savings to draw on and don't have to worry about money for a while. I have been able to access therapies that help me feel better as a result, like massage and reiki.

8) I'm sleeping again in general. I didn't sleep well last night but that was due to noise, heat and being in a flat I'm not used to.

9) When I'm not anxious I have a few friends that I feel comfortable around. This is a big deal for me, having had bad social anxiety for so many years. I even have friends I can be around when I'm anxious and/or depressed.

10) I have a lot of positive things I can get involved in when I am feeling better.

Hi Freda.... you have always seemed to have good awareness of your own mental health and what to do to get yourself out of a funk. I do hope that when I visit the mental health proffessional that she can offer something more than "go back to Ga". I thought I might write some thoughts down for her to read. I get a bit tongue tied sometimes.

It is good that you have support to draw on when times get tough. I try to take a leaf out of your book going forward. I feel ok today and yet just yesterday I felt very unwell. It is very strange.

Regards.. S.A

Thanks, SA. It is always really hard work getting myself out of a funk. I never try and breeze over that, as people need to know that it takes a lot of strength. I'm lucky to have some really kind, supportive people in my life, at present.

Had a lovely time at boyfriends this weekend. He came to pick me up in the car and brought me home today as I've been too anxious to use the bus recently. It is a 50 minute journey, so very hard when you are feeling really anxious and fragile!

I'm lucky that my personality and sense of humour seem to be able to still come through even when I'm feeling terrible. This at least means I'm not a monotone, miserable, zombie to be around, even when really anxious or depressed. I choose to recognise this strength and appreciate it.

So, I have felt very shaky, nauseous and generally unwell this weekend. Boyfriend has still enjoyed my company regardless and we've managed to still share some laughs. We weeded a patch of his garden yesterday while just chatting about allsorts. It was perfect for the fragile state I was in.

A lot of the feeling shaky and fragile is to do with increasing my medication. Sometimes I sail through it, sometimes I get bad symptoms at first. It's the 3rd day, today, so I should hopefully be through it soon.

I was grateful for feeling happy and well on Friday. The depression keeps coming and going but it was wonderful to feel it "lift" late on Thursday night and just feel lighter and have my appetite back. It's the most wonderful feeling! Hopefully I'll manage a few "good" days next week and recharge my spirits by doing some enjoyable things.

S.A wrote:

Hi Freda.... you have always seemed to have good awareness of your own mental health and what to do to get yourself out of a funk. I do hope that when I visit the mental health proffessional that she can offer something more than "go back to Ga". I thought I might write some thoughts down for her to read. I get a bit tongue tied sometimes.

It is good that you have support to draw on when times get tough. I try to take a leaf out of your book going forward. I feel ok today and yet just yesterday I felt very unwell. It is very strange.

Regards.. S.A

GA isn't the bee all for me either, but it is part of the answer

I've never been o GA, triangle. I am lucky that I managed to recognise I had a problem before it consumed me completely. Compulsive gambling is a progressive addiction, I could already see myself worsening and blowing more and more cash during each binge.

I haven't gambled regularly for several years now. I have occasional binges. Usually around difficult times, emotionally. Times when the need for escape feels strong. It's also definitely a form of self-sabotage with myself.

I had a really great day yesterday. I felt almost normal. It was much easier to get out and about and do things. I volunteer at an animal rescue where I go and cuddle the cats. I love it! I had been feeling too unwell to go much recently but really enjoyed my time there yesterday. I get love and affection from the cats which is very sweet.

I'm pleased to say the symptoms from increasing my medication seem to have abated. I felt really shaky and weird for a few days. It's a very vulnerable feeling when you live alone.

I''ve just done a bit of dancing at home to get some exercise and get the blood pumping. It is good for my mood.

Hi Freda,

Thank you for your post the other day. You are one of the very lovely people who seems to be close by all the time even if not posting. You kind of "get it" and every time you post i feel taken aback with your insight and skill to read between the lines ☺. I thank you deeply for your support.

Good to hear you're feeling better now. Vollunteering at the animal shelter is really lovely. They say animals has something magic within them. Why don't you get a cat of your own? Pets can be a missing link in our mood swings and truly can offer great therapy ☺.

I have never attended GA. I did go to AA tho. As far as I'm aware it's very similar approach. Never sweep such options aside, we simply don't know how deeply we might be dragged in on the malarkey of addiction...it's simply progressive 🙁
We have to do what works for us and what brings us peace and harmony with ourselves. You have huge self awareness which is a battle half done ☺

Keep being kind to you and look after yourself.
Thank you for your kind words once again.

TKe care

S x

Thanks, S 🙂 x x pleased my words are of some service.

Things are gradually looking better for me. I've been on the increased dose of my medication for 6 days now. The depression in it's worst form had lifted the evening before I increased it so hard to say yet whether the increase has been of any benefit. I'm doing things again without feeling I have lumps of lead in my socks. Not taking on the world but just normal chores that felt massive when I was depressed. Popping to the shops, going to see a friend, doing the washing up, hoovering, laundry. Just functioning. It's good to function better! I phoned to update my details with the pension people today. The sort of thing that takes a lot of getting round to. I've had a very positive few days.

Before bed last night I did get myself all scared. I am genuinely scared of being at the mercy of the DWP. It is a horrible organisation that seems to be intent on breaking people's spirits. I watched a vid on Youtube about benefit sanctions and felt very scared and vulnerable. I wanted to scream with fear. I do hope it doesn't come to that.

It looks like I'm going to lose my job. I was told today that my employer will dismiss me if I don't return to work soon. I just haven't got anything left to give. I feel really anxious just at the thought of going back. I don't think I'll be ready in time. I think it's crunch time in the next 4 to 6 weeks.

I tried to go to the pictures with my boyfriend last night. The cinema was REALLY busy and full of noisy children. It was too much for me and I lasted about 10 minutes into the film before I started to cry. I went to the toilets and had a cry in there for 30 minutes, went back in to the film, my boyfriend started asking if I was OK and was I sure? and I started to cry again. Because I'm not OK at this point in time. I'm really not. He was wonderful with me and didn't mind leaving early at all. He took me home and stayed the night with me to make sure I was OK.

I have strange feelings about being looked after like this. I crave it. To be loved and supported without judgement. I'm not used to it, though. It feels strange and I am not sure it is OK to take it. I feel like there must be some mistake, if that makes sense.

My parents have never showed that level of care and concern. I suppose because of that I feel that my needs are not important and that I don't deserve unconditional love. That no-one will think I'm worth it.

I feel so frustrated. I wish I could cope with difficult people. If someone is nasty to me or is aggressive or unreasonable I get so angry and scared. My whole body tenses up really painfully and I shake all over. It most often gives me a panic attack. I want to tell them off, to tell them to stop it. To tell them that I am feeling overwhelmed and can't cope with their behaviour. It makes me cry. I feel embarrassed and vulnerable that I feel this way. I feel that people will judge me, disapprove of me and have no respect for me. When this happens at work I feel I can't cope.

I'm really scared of entering the benefit system again since sanctions were introduced. It terrifies me. I feel like the safety net is a mirage and there is nothing there to catch me.

On the plus side, I have a boyfriend who cares about me, a few good friends and some savings. I need to not worry about what I am going to do about money because at this moment in time, in this frame of mind, it is only making me feel worse. I do need to think about it eventually, obviously, but I am giving myself a month off as of now. The problems will still be there in a month. I need to rest.