Going to keep this thread now!

There's nothing better than a good nights sleep Freda. Glad you got one!

Also, I read somewhere that the old adage "Manage your Time" could be reframed (an alternative view) as "Manage your energy".

And you're doing just that!

Wishing you well, as always.

Thanks, Mixer. 

I am mostly out of the doom type headspace. I did go to the gym and it did me good but I would like to manage to go more often. I was a bit weak and didn't have the stamina I usually have. I think it helped me to sleep, though.

I fell asleep at 7pm last night, after only being at work for 4 hours. Sometimes my energy levels are so low. I think it's perimenopause but I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't decide if I want to take the risk of taking estrogen, due to family medical history. A doctor has prescribed HRT but I'm still unsure whether to start it.

Well, I've had a more peaceful month, without such extreme lows but still a lot of moderate lows.

I'm back with an ex-partner. We split up because he was quite untrusting and insecure. He could be quite rebellious, provocative and was very intense and ranty.

He seems to have mellowed. He was in a worse place than he let on, when we were first together, due to the pain of his marriage and family home having broken up. 

He still has his issues, I still have mine. Thing is, "friends" have since behaved appallingly, compared to anything he ever did or said. 

He really does love me and cares for me when I'm depressed or anxious. With patience, love and kindness. I'm tired of toughing it out alone.

Want to make it clear, this is not the man with the history of domestic violence. 

I've been struggling with feelings of doom hanging over me. I have good days and bad. I'm incredibly grateful for all that I have and don't actually have it that hard, these days. Still the feelings of despair often come up in me. 

I'm lonely for community but I want to be around wise and kind community. Not people for the sake of it. I'm shifting in my ability to accept rude people as they are. To even find them amusing, little giant toddlers.

A woman who goes to my singing class is really highly strung and abrupt. She seems to have a bit of a "head girl" personality. She did a special part of the song, yesterday. I could see that she relished being special. Having her moment to show off. I realised it's neither good nor bad. It's just a need she has. For her own reasons. Made her seem kind of silly and childlike - but we all have those parts.

After class, she got to talking about things her family are going through and I saw all the good and love, in her personality as well.

We're all just trying to get through this life, as well as we can.

I'm all over the place, emotionally. Having a lot of depression and lows. Feeling fear and apprehension. It's really hard.

I feel like I'm in some sort of surreal dream. I'd lapsed a couple of weeks ago. Back on the wagon now.

Hi Freda,

Well done for all of the efforts you are putting into your recovery.

Please remember you can always call us if you need to talk about your recovery, at any point.

Please also use any other resources that you find help you to manage your emotional wellbeing, whether that be your GP, or other support.

Take good care of yourself,

Adam.

Where are you Freda?, hope you are ok.

I feel quite paranoid that it looks like I'm on moderation. My posts will only be seen by the Gamcare team. Maybe everyone is moderated now, who knows? Just don't like the feeling. I'm safe. Just existing, really. Takes a lot of energy to be a person but it will get better some day, I'm sure.

Hi freda,not spoke for a while. I hope your ok. Stay strong, you have alot of support on here. My diary is always open if you fancy a chat. Take care, stace x

Do everyone's posts say"this will only be seen by the gamcare team"? I never even post on here, anymore. I haven't got a clue what I've done.

I'm not in need of anyone's pity or sympathy forbeing "all alone" just need to stop being asked what I'm doing, several times a day. At least that has stopped now.

Hi freda, so were you write gets seen by everyone and then below were it says "this will only be seen by the gamcare team" there's another box, if you write in that one then it doesn't get posted on you diary but straight to the gamcare team. So say if your doing a post but also want to say something privately to the admin then you write your post as normal but then write what you want to say privately in the other box below. You've done nothing wrong  its just a new way of doing it. Hope this helps 

Ah, thanks, Stace. It makes sense now. I was feeling really paranoid! thanks for explaining, it's put my mind at ease xx

Feel a bit more positive today. Been to the gym, this morning for a gentle session back.

I watched this drama based on the SAS selection process, last night. It's unbelieveable what they put them through and I think the film gave it a softer touch. Makes you wonder how often these people save our lives and we never even hear about it. I wish they weren't necessary. It inspired me a bit. I thought if they can get through that, I can do a few extra reps at the gym, haha!

I feel a bit boosted by a recognition at work. I wasn't expecting it but my pay is going up, due to meeting enough of my targets. It's nice to get something back for your efforts. It's 50p an hour, not extremely life-changing - but proportionate for what I've done and how I've applied myself. It's nice for hard work to pay.

I had a depressing shift at work, yesterday. Just don't like the assistant manager. She's an exploitative personality. She is lazy but has high standards for everyone else. It sucks working for people like that.

It was a shame, after feeling uplifted by the recognition from the other one. 

Felt down today. Lonely but like other people are not good company and I don't get positive energy, from many people. I'm so wary of people. I've been discarded a lot.

Hello diary,

I've been gambling again. Not to the point of destruction but beyond my means. 

I chase dopamine a lot. I really do try to look after myself best I can and to stay positive. I long for loving community. I really do. I feel grateful to have someone but I do wish I had more community.

Anyway, I'm determined not to self-destruct. I've always pulled myself back, I flirt with it. It's frustration, fear and anger, all mixed in. Just wanting to say eff it and stop BEING STRONG. I'm making life much harder for myself than it needs to be, though. 

I'm in perimenopause and don't feel very well a lot of the time. Tense, tired, aching, frazzled. I get what I call hormonal depression because it's very specific. I start worrying and thinking about death a lot. How I don't want to deal with anyone else dying and don't want to die, myself. Scared, fearful. It passes, though. I never like the thought of these things but most of the time I feel like I could handle these things happening. I think it's because I only just get away with functioning as it is, going to work, looking after myself. The thought of a lot more piled on, scares me silly. 

I've never solved these feelings, got to the answer, the cure, the solution. I try to remind myself that doing productive things helps. With that thought, i'll shortly head for the shower.

I'm watching a 93 year old man talking about a healing modality he uses, that seems to really help people. He relieves a lot of suffering. It doesn't matter if it's all in people's heads, I believe him that people report feeling better. He gets a lot done. He could sit and worry about dying, at his age but instead, he's out there, enthusiastically helping other people. I know I have that in me. It used to motivate me a lot. I would love to feel back in touch with that drive again. I think I need deep rest from people and their problems. This is what I suspect. I still love going out of my way to be kind and help people feel happier but it's like energy levels for it are just so low, these days. 

This will pass.

Your right it will pass, just got to be in the best possible place for when it does.

Welcome back btw ,