Going to keep this thread now!

Hey Freda,

Your post made me smile ☺ thanks for your kind and caring wishes...

Now i have read yours, i fully get what you're saying. (Sorry i was kinda laughing at the one to me cause i felt like a baby in the blanked being fed and patted on the back)...but i do see the point ypu make here.
Longing to be cared for is natural human emotion..giving care is natural also, but not everyone is in the mindset of that. It's not other's fault, there probably is a lot of attached emotions tangling behind and which makes them to act like they do. I lacked a bit of care from my Mummy. I understand the reasons why now...it was just difficult while i was growing up thinking that i always did something wrong (or worse...just being myself upset her a lot).
She is very aware of her actions now and as i like the saying, "better later than never". She truly pampers and feeds me and such stuff when i visit and it's nice to feel the care ☺.

However i have developed quite "cold" aspects also. I do care about people but i guess somewhere deep inside, i have occasional anger towards myself still and then i start isolating and pushing everyone away. These moments are really painful and i am right to say, this way i lost a lot of friendships and relationships. I can care but i cannot accept one.

As of GC peeps ☺...o*g, i met few of you and am forever greatful for hospitality, care and lovely time i had. My door is open for my friends at any time & there is no such better feeling than making one feel at home ☺

I am soooo happy you have found so many positives too! Job is not everything, just keep calm, weigh your options and don't rush into things.
You have good support network around you, accept it...life is a lot easier when you have support around you ☺

Stay safe & well...plus, i guess there is no gambling for ya either...well done - keep on keeping on ☺

S x

Yeah, no significant gambling to speak of. I have bought a couple of lot to tickets and a couple of scratch cards in the past month or so. A reaction to painful feelings for sure. The awareness of all of this was there throughout. I don't demand 100% perfection of myself and, for me, this seems to work.

In quite a nice place with boyfriend atm. He goes a bit too far with teasing sometimes - bit too near the knuckle, bit clumsy. He is human and that is OK. He has really been there for me lately.

Been feeling really strong, painful feelings lately. Fear of the future, not feeling very powerful, insecure.

Much progress has been made on the anxiety front. I am usually able to briefly get into town, I'm sleeping fairly well again, I'm able to relax sometimes. Went to see the rescue animals today and found myself identifying with them. Feeling a bit lost, unwanted, unsure of the future.

I have been doing some daily "gratitude" lists. It helps a little and helps push my mind in a positive direction. Feeling like gambling is the last thing I want to do.

Hey Freda ☺

Good to hear you are finding the animal shelter beneficial. Animals are an amazing source of calm, compassion and sense of care ☺. They can help you by their unspoken magic they have and help you to find peace with yourself.

Keep being kind to yourself, as always - it starts with you ☺

Proud to be walking alongside you!

S x

Thanks, S x x

It is triggering some painful feelings in me going to the rescue. I talked about it in counselling last week and couldn't believe where these were coming from, once I realised. I have identified with this dog who looks so sad and scared whenever I go past him. I was blown away when I realised that this is because the dog is me. I wanted to make the dog understand how wonderful he is and help him rebuild his confidence. Make it all better. This is what I want for myself. I don't know how to do this for myself, so I am acting it out with the dog.

I have been feeling that my boyfriend will not want me anymore if he sees the real me, as I stand today. Afraid, tired, metaphorically cowering in a corner and whimpering. Also angry because I feel afraid and I don't want to feel afraid.

I got angry with him the other night and he got angry back. It was scary for me. I got really afraid because I felt he was judging me. Not only that, I felt he was judging me too harshly. Right before my eyes he became my mother. The terrifying mother of my childhood who was angry, unpredictable and mean and then would disapprove when I got angry about it. I felt I wasn't loved if I got angry. I had to stop showing anger to get loved.

It was a stupid argument. I got angry because he was tickling me and wouldn't stop. I was tired and couldn't be bothered, so it was making me angry. I've never been violent toward anyone in my life before. I consider violence to be strong aggression. Maybe it is because I was smacked as a child like many people my age, but I have always seen pushing, smacking and slapping as being OK as long as it's not done with force. Not ideal but not violent. Sort of, it's OK to push someone out of your way, but not so hard that you hurt them or cause them to fall over. Anyway, I didn't manage the patience on this occasion to find a way to make him stop with words, although I tried, or to walk away. I slapped his hand. He got angry and said I had been violent. At least I thought he was angry, I wasn't sure if he was feigning it to wind me up. I felt judged too harshly. This made me angry because it felt like those painful experiences with my mother. Where I had to meet some impossibly high standard in order to be loved.

Anyway, we were both pretty freaked out and upset by our argument. We both cried. We both said we had been feeling strong positive feelings for each other lately and that was why it was hard to find ourselves arguing. I told him I loved him, he told me he loved me, too.

It felt like this was some sort of weird replaying of traumatic incidents from my childhood but with a rewritten ending. Where I still get to be loved by the person who was angry with me. My anger no longer makes me unlovable. In reality, I'm sure my mother still loved me when she was angry with me but, as a child, it didn't seem that way and that fecked me up a bit, emotionally.

The next morning I talked with him openly and was raw and naked in my emotion. I talked about how much pain I had inside me and that I was a gentle soul but one that was in so much pain. How scared I felt about the future and how crippling it felt at times. How scary it was to love someone who was seeing me at my very worst and fearing that this would make them reject me. I totally took off the "I'll be OK" mask and just admitted that in this moment I was not OK at all. He held me and said that was OK. Something in me healed in that moment. A hiddenness within me relaxed. My weary, "brave face" soul was able to collapse on the floor and just "be" exactly as it was, without pretending. I felt safe and accepted.

Hi Freda,

Thank you for your post. I just read yours and ...well...what can i say.. ((((((((f))))))))). I have always seen you as a struggling soul and the more you share the more i understand why.
Sorry to hear about your childhood..it's very hard to understand what is good and what is bad at young age, after all we follow parents actions huh, they are the light ahead and morals set stays with us. Only later in life we can start separating the good and bad individually. I have had similar expierences growing up...

Just glad you are able to open up and be you! ☺. That's what matters the most for sure. Also very happy to read your partner accepts you the way you are, being open about your emotions and honest with yourself as well as people around you is truly important.

I have never been violent person. However i have had thoughts, but that violence in action just comes towards myself. I remember only one situation where i had a lil too much to drink while on holiday abroad and my "friend with benefits" tried to cuddle. Can't remember where the anger started (must of been the touch) but i lashed out like never before. I know he didn't want to hurt me, i just seen black at the time and he had to restrain me for a while. The incident left quite big scar physically (injured leg by kicking corner of bed) and emotionally (not being able to believe i can be that animal and fail to listen to some sense) for me.
I tend to think it was a instinct i am still trying to deal/separate. Just don't like force or being expected to do anything i don't want..but that's just another story (ies) for another day.

I am happy to see you slowly getting back on track. Mainly with yourself and your emotions ☺. You're good person, you're just hurt, but healing is taking place already..that's very good! Slowly you will get to better place ☺

Thank you again..i seem to be honest in this cyber space. Not as much tho...i fail to tell anyone that i still kinda struggle inside for my failures in life and that there is no single day where i don't want to end it all...it's easier way out huh..

I guess you get me. Thanks for understanding and sharing your journey with us.

Look after yourself

S x

Thanks, Sandra x x

Yes, I'm hurt. Really hurting. I feel like a human eggshell trying to navigate a huge arena of Dodgems and all I really want to do is curl up in the corner and be protected by someone.

The emotion in me is raw so much of the time that it's hard to socialise because I feel tearful and scared so much of the time. I saw two people from work in a cafe yesterday and was telling them I doubt I'll get back to work because I can't face it and they are going to end my contract soon. One of them asked what I was thinking of doing in the future and I said I didn't know. Admitting that to someone else made the fear hit me. That I don't know what kind of job I could cope with, emotionally. I've struggled to cope with jobs all of my life. I fluster under pressure and am very sensitive to criticism or meanness. I get tearful and either anxious or angry. I don't mind at all if I'm criticised fairly, it seems to be when people are overly negative or critical with me. I get angry and scared because it makes me lose confidence and doubt myself. I have found it is very rare that anyone praises you in the workplace or tells you you are doing really well - even if they think you are. I need reassurance, encouragement and support.

I think the social connections have to come first. Feeling comfortable socialising with a variety of people. This will hopefully increase my confidence and help me feel more grounded and like I am successful and fulfilled in at least one other area of life. I think people tend to behave better socially than they do at work. I can feel more confident that I'm likeable and can get along with people - so if I don't get along with someone it doesn't make me doubt myself.

My self confidence is very low at the moment. I built so much of my identity on helping and supporting other people that I don't know if anyone will like and want to know the vulnerable, scared and depressed me. I still find it hard to believe that my boyfriend loves me in spite of this. The good, bad and ugly.

Hi Freda,

Knowing what we want from life can be a huge challenge itself for many people. Me included.
I would suggest to stay calm and collected, don't push yourself to anything, keep the space for your wellbeing and move at your own pace. Sometimes we get surprises round the corner and thank the stars for being in the right place at the right time to have an opportunity for changes. Let it be very little, as long as it makes the heart smile ☺

Not sure if making sense here, ...i only wish you well.

We all have lil angel and lil evil (usually at the wrong time of the month lol) in us...the way we treat and deal with them makes the whole picture the way it looks.

Look after yourself and be kind to you.

S x

Thanks, S x x

Yep, I need to move slowly and carefully. I'm going to propose changing my work contract to just one day a week, 5 hours a week. It might not sound worth it but building up confidence slowly like this, is the best way. I'm then hoping to do some voluntary work offering Reiki treatments and other things like massage if I learn it, one half day a week for a few hours. I think these need to be my next steps. I need to do something I enjoy and am good at, because putting books away for 5 hours a day is not going to increase my feelings of mastery and confidence.

I'm glad the medication increase seems to be starting to kick in and I'm through the first few days where you feel grotty and weird.

Day by day I am getting a bit more stable. I'm managing to sleep in my flat alone on a night now and get about a bit. I need to be patient. Had a lovely weekend with my boyfriend who was being very loving and supportive.

I just need love. That's it in a nutshell. I. NEED. LOVE.

I felt really great this weekend because I got lots of cuddles and affection. This week my boyfriend has been really busy at work and I've hardly heard from him. I've felt so lonely and sad. I understand that he is busy and it's not personal, it just makes me realise how much love I need. I don't think it's a disproportionate amount, I have just had a deficit for a while now.

There is some sort of taboo in our culture about needing love. We're not supposed to ask, be a bother, be needy, clingy. We're supposed to be able to do it all ourselves, not be greedy. I give so much love out but I need more back. I am grateful for the love I do have.

I think it's all anyone needs.

Hey Freda,

Thank you for your kind and insightful post.
Yep, i suppose i had a lil excitement moments when found out about my "possible escape" from this place. However, now i find my feelings controversy. Cannot pin point why, but am just not settled with the idea yet. Maybe need some time to sink in a little.
After all, it's complete change of the routine, surroundings, people. I'm sure i will be fine, ya never know if come accross any more hobbies for the spare time i will have.
Paycut cut deep lol...yes, not gonna lie. Panic set in..but as you say, it's the first time i put myself first. Holiday i had gave me time to reflect and actually see how different person i am from when I'm working all these shifts. Parents tears just put me in the spin..."Sandra, lil girl...don't kill yourself anymore, get out from there". This was huge push for me cause deep down they answered all of my questions. I suffered for a long time, i just never told them i am...it's me, the strong one after all lol..bull for sure.
So yes, new change & new start. Unknown is very scary but the "known" is clear..i cannot hold on for much longer like this.
I am hoping to transfer my vollunteering also. ..but, as it stands, i am more than willing to commute for a time being. If i am successful with my new place, hopefully i will put a lot of time for making it my home too ☺..another challenge to look forward to huh.

I hear ya and the need for love. Being kind to each other is part of the structure of love me thinks. I suppose all human beings needs love and care. Not everyone able to show it but such is life.
I am so glad to hear you appreciate the care and kindness you get from people around you. You more than deserve it! Be kind to you & everyone else will be kinder to you too. Maybe easy to say, but such magic is proven ☺

Look after yourself and thank you again for your lovely post.

S x

Thanks Sandra x x

I'm feeling some deep feelings and wanted to express them. It's about what I want. I have a fear that if I show someone my deepest feelings, my deepest pain, they won't still love me. That they will be afraid of it, they will not be able to be around it. Actually, I don't think people will stop loving me for it, I think people will abandon me if I show it. It will touch similar feelings within them that they don't want to feel, or it will scare them and so they will encourage me to move away from it. To move out of it. That they won't feel safe witnessing it.

Our society has such a fear of strong emotion. I've inherited that from my parents. Now, though, I feel unsafe when going deep into that pain. I have learned to fear it so I think it will destroy me - that my body will literally be overwhelmed if I allow myself to experience it. I see myself in my minds eye sort of curled up in the foetal position on the floor, writhing around and weeping and moaning. Really just letting it all out as strongly as it needs to flow.

What I also want within that scene is someone who trusts that process and can help me feel safe. Someone who knows that it is safe to experience that emotion, perhaps because they already have. Who supports and encourages that expression. A complete letting go of "being strong". A complete surrendering to emotion. I'm doing it a little myself, today, writing this in my bed crying and feeling strong pain and not finding I've been wiped off the face of the earth. I'm still here, in one piece, learning that it is safe to feel this.

Can anyone else relate to this? I think as a society we hide this strong emotion so much that when we find ourselves feeling it we feel alone and scared. That it is not normal. That it equates to danger. So we find ourselves wanting someone to hold us while we feel it but feeling that no-one will or can.

Hi Freda,

I can relate to having feelings of anger, pain, and, sadness. I also agree that folks tend to squirm around these emotions. There seems to be an unspoken time limit for how long to feel too. Something like.. Ok. You have grieved, now, move on, or let it go! When is that limit? Is it the same for everyone? I don't know. I know from my own experience that stuffing emotions down or trying to paint over them never works. At the same time in an emotional state such as pain or sorrow I have felt groundless and have wanted someone to hold onto. I'm trying to get my own head around the idea of attachment and letting go. Anyway, I feel like I'm just babbling now. Not much any of us can do in cyber space.. Here is a cyber hug anyway, Freda. ((((((f)))))))

-joanxxx

Thank you, Joan x x

I haven't talked about the gambling episode I had a couple of weeks ago. Seems funny on a gambling recovery diary but I feel the actual act of gambling is just a detail. It's the emotions that lead me there and that's why I focus more on that.

I went to the seaside by myself, I went into the amusements. Had a brief conversation with myself about "is it worth it? you really shouldn't" but didn't put up much of a fight against myself to be honest. I wanted my own way and that was that.

Turns out I'm still a compulsive gambler. These are just details but only lost £2 thankfully. A totally compulsive pattern of gambling though in that before I'd even spent £2 I ended up £20 "up". I'd only just started though and didn't want to walk away so quickly. I wanted to switch off, forget about everything, enjoy a good gamble - so I kept going until I'd lost the winnings plus the original £2.

There are many positives to this: I walked away with money in my purse, I haven't gambled since, the losses were small so I didn't have to deal with the "chasing" urges. I've stayed on the cautious side and haven't bought any l o tto tickets since then. I do feel I can control that, as my problem is with using gambling to zone out and numb myself with an instant distraction of playing "live". I feel it's quite healthy to spend a pound or two now and then to have a go at winning life-changing money because it would be good to have the security. What I won't buy is scratchcards because that is feeding into the instant fix thing. Well, in weaker moments I have bought a scratchcard, just like in weaker moments I can go into an arcade, but what I mean is I treat scratchcards as problem gambling because it is filling the want for instant thrills and gratification and buying one does not satisfy me.

Anyway, since this is a recovery diary I thought I should at least mention it!!!! but gambling is rarely a problem for me these days. I am going through a lot of intense emotion - including my first relationship since my husband left me. Although this relationship is lovely and mostly a source of positive feelings, I've had to confront many insecurities and fears. I think it has been made worse because I am still very fragile so it is a risk to let someone in and become attached to them.

Today a lot of repressed anger and fear has been coming up. Today I'm really f*****g angry with nature. I saw a baby bird die alone, afraid and in pain. It P i ssed me right off that there was nothing I could do about it. What the f**k is that about? What kind of f****d up divine plan is that, like? Why do s**t things like that have to happen to any being?

Of course this was heightened emotionally, by me identifying with the little bird. Feeling alone, afraid and in pain.

I demand that all that is beautiful in the world come forth and show itself.

Do whatever you can to make the world more beautiful.