Going to keep this thread now!

As is often the case, felt a lot better for being around people who love and support me - my ex husband and my boyfriend. I had supportive company from noon until bedtime yesterday and it was really nice. I didn't sleep that well because I was too hot but I fell asleep being held. That felt so nice. I felt calm and safe and happy. This morning my boyfriend held me again and made me a cup of coffee in bed before he went to work. It feels great to be loved.

I came home and had some Reiki and a chat with a friend. It was lovely to feel relaxed and recharged. This afternoon, many of the fearful thoughts came rushing back in. Fear of entering the benefits system and being bullied and abused by it. Fear of not being able to make my life one worth living. It's scary being unable to work. Really scary. I must focus on the positives though, so I can see improvements happening and feel grateful for them. As long as I am moving in the right direction that is all that matters. I am going to have scared moments and bad days but here are all of the things I have managed to do recently that were a real sign of progress:

1) I got the bus back from my boyfriend's this morning with virtually no anxiety. It was a 45 minute journey which would often feel impossible recently.

2) I went to the rescue where I volunteer yesterday and photographed most of the cats so that the website could be updated. I got the Metro there and back and although I was with my ex-husband for support, it was not too difficult.

3) I got the Metro (tube) 25 minutes away to see my boyfriend. Again, I had my ex-husband with me for support but it was not very difficult.

4) I sorted some benefits things out this week including finished a form off and posting it at the post office. This is one of the hardest bits done now.

5) I sorted out contacting the council about reassessing my housing benefit claim now my income has reduced. This is another weight off my mind.

6) I recovered from feeling extremely upset and distressed on Tuesday night.

7) I had s*x and enjoyed it - sorry for the TMI but this is a positive sign of improved wellbeing.

8) I'm finding it easier to do my laundry and washing up. This can be a real struggle when I am feeling at my worst.

9) I was able to concentrate on a couple of 30 minute tv programmes and enjoy them yesterday.

10) I haven't needed to take valium in 12 days. Even then, it was only 2mg when I had a sleepless night.

11) Likewise I haven't needed to stay with anyone overnight due to intense anxiety for 12 days. This is a good sign, also.

12) I've been consciously feeling and venting my anger more.

Hi Freda,

WOW! Progress indeed ☺.
Good to see you aknowledging all the positives and keeping working at them. Every low is followed by high & vise versa...but as you say, riding lows out is the key! Enjoy the highs and keep working at recovery one day at a time.

Look after yourself and thank you for your support.

S x

Thanks, Sandra x

I feel really agitated and angry today. I need to make decisions regarding my job and am not sure what to do or how to manage the intense emotions that thinking about work are triggering in me.

I don't like the power these emotions have over me. I've found it hard to think about anything else today and have felt tense, angry and agitated as a result. My workplace really P****s me off! Managers make stupid decisions and don't like anyone speaking up about them, so staff are just going round pretending everything is fine but feeling angry inside. The thing that seems to P**s me off the most is that other people are better at biting their tongue and hiding how they feel. I always look like the bad one because I'm not good at bottling anger up. I feel very anxious when I have to suppress my anger and my blood pressure rises.

I lose the ability to be reasonable and I feel embarrassed by how much things get to me.

I think it reached boiling point where the very thought of work made me angry when I last went off sick. I just had no patience left at all. I'm not sure I can come back from that and regain my patience. I find agitation so debilitating. It's exhausting, every muscle in my body tenses up.

Anyway, I am just writing down how I feel to try and get it out of my head and onto paper. I hope to not feel as bad as this in a day or two. I will do some CBT later to try and make my thoughts more rational and measured.

I've felt so ill all day. I went for a brief walk and found myself clenching my jaw and my hands and feeling really tense and angry. It's stress. I don't want this to be true because it is scary to realise you are feeling that vulnerable. So stressed and unable to cope that the thought of going back to work one day a week for 5 hours sent my body into fight or flight. I've been unable to think of anything else all day. I'm just not ready.

It feels hard to acknowledge that. I told my boyfriend and he said I should contact the union and tell them I want to try and come back to work. I let that sway me. That he didn't seem to understand and that what he said sounded so easy, I started thinking "He's right. I'll regret it if I don't try." But a day of thinking about trying has brought up such feelings of anger and stress that I've felt barely able to do anything. I just can't do it right now.

It is going to take a long time until I feel able to deal with a workplace again. Particularly one involving customer service or a lot of pressure. I cannot lose the gains I've made. I'm sleeping again and enjoying some things and generally not suffering too much. I need to maintain this and not do anything to make myself slip back.

I've been feeling my anger and my fear a lot lately. It has been difficult to do.

I felt embarrassed about how much anger I felt toward my employer and the kids in the library who were constantly pushing my buttons and taunting me. They're just immature kids, I thought! Why can't I just ignore them? I don't care what they think of me!

Do you know what, though? It wasn't about the kids. It was about those kids pushing me to a point of frustration and anger that was distressing. That's what happened. It was the sum total of everything.

I was feeling tense and fragile every day when I was going to work. Before I even set foot in the door I was already tender, scared and bruised inside. It was making my other colleagues angry to deal with it just a fraction as much as me and I was scared and heartbroken and feeling really overwhelmed. It was just TOO MUCH.

Getting into a new relationship has been unbelievably scary for me. That has been a lot to deal with, too. I really was full to burst. There is a lot of intense emotion still inside of me. It is wonderful that I have this time to heal.

I really wish I had a partner at the moment. A proper live in partner to hug me and give me love when I feel depressed. It's not the only answer of course but it's what I'm really missing right now.

It's just the way things are for him at the moment but my boyfriend has been working late every night and has not always been available on a weekend. He is going on holiday for 3 weeks next weekend.

Although he can't help it, it has had consequences for me. It was really helping me to spend time with him and have someone to hold me and hug me on bad days. I am really missing that. I feel frustrated because I want to feel better and something that was really helping me has not been available. I had made progress and was starting to feel better but the support has reduced before I was able to sustain the improvement. It feels like trying to clamber up a slippery pole. For months on end. I feel exhausted.

I haven't gambled. I'm doing great in the circumstances. I feel really sorry for myslef today.

I got a bit scared, actually, as I've gone up to quite a high dose of medication and had started to feel a lot better and sustained it for a week or so. Coming back down to feeling very low has been hard. I talked to a nurse from the crisis team who said it's not necessarily a bad sign, I will still have lows even if the increase has had a beneficial effect. That was reassuring.

Good morning Freda,

Thank you so much for a message yesterday, you have no idea how much hope it has given me.. i am really thankful..i will carry those words anywhere i go ☺

Its not hard times its the fear of the unknown. Also the huge anger towards myself that i cannot help sister out. All i can do is b there for her. Maybe fate will hang the b****** by the balls (that's what he deserves anyway) but i cannot step in and make world right for her. She knows support is out there & she knows I'm standing by her..just wish she would accept that.

I hope you're well. I hear you and your loneliness. Sometimes circumstances don't let us have it all and we need to do is appreciate the moments we do have.
You're doing really well, keep riding the lows out and never forget - there is always sunshine after the rain!

Hugs to you dear soldier, stay safe and be kind to yourself

S x

Hey, S x x Thanks hun, I'm so glad you found value in what I offered.

Yeah, I am determined to focus more on the positives. It's a balancing act because you need to let yourself feel the pain and not repress it but at the same time, if that's your only focus it becomes unhealthy.

I started writing a gratitude journal but didn't manage to keep it up every day. The disorganised side of me would forget to take my notebook with me if I stayed at my boyfriend's and so miss a day. Hard to form new habits and stick to them!

I guess I can write my gratitude lists in various places or just state them to myself out loud, or in my head if I'm on the bus.

I do believe this is a very powerful practice if we do it consistently every day. Ten things you are grateful for today and WHY you are grateful for them. The 'why' is very important so you process the gratitude on a deeper, meaning level. No time like the present! A lot of these won't make sense of course if you're reading this but just for me:

1) Today I am grateful that I was able to give hope to someone with my words because it is a beautiful thing to ease the suffering of any being and I love to make a positive difference.

2) I am grateful for my healthy blood pressure today because it means my body is strong and resilient.

3) I am grateful for a peaceful nights sleep last night because it is healing for my body and recharges me.

4) I am grateful for my ex-husband who is still my best friend in the whole world and always makes time to listen to me when I need to talk. I appreciate being loved and heard in this way.

5) I am grateful for the support I am getting from a counsellor partner of my friend who has been offering me free phone counselling every week. It is good to receive and practice receiving until it becomes easy.

6) I am grateful to my friend for dropping off some food yesterday that I'd ordered from a wholesaler. It was kind of him to help and receiving kindness feels good.

7) I have a complex, difficult relationship with my mother but I am grateful that she is happy for me to stay with her at any time if I don't feel I can cope being alone. It is good to have support available.

8) I am grateful I was able to clean my Dad's kitchen ceiling for him the other day. He was really pleased with it as it was dirty from years of smoking which he has now given up. It felt fulfilling to be able to help him.

9) I am grateful for a supportive boyfriend who wants me to be happy. It is good to have support.

10) I am grateful that I've lost some weight. Probably not the happiest way to go about it but it is good for my body to be less overweight. It puts less weight on my joints and less strain on my heart (even though I'm only a few pounds overweight, it all counts and helps).

A bit of catharsis now.

I got really angry with my boyfriend on Sunday. I wanted him to be really excited to see me since it had been a week since we'd been together. I wanted to spend as much time together as possible before he goes on holiday. I wanted him to have missed me and to say he'd missed me. Say he couldn't wait to see me. He didn't. He didn't seem that bothered. I got a message from him 15 minutes before he was due round saying he was stopping off at his sisters for a bit first, on the way. It was just painful to realise that he isn't as in to me as I am in to him. He isn't doing anything wrong. He feels how he feels, I know that. Emotions aren't logical, though. I wanted all of these things from him to feel safe and to feel loved, I wanted reassurance and to feel wanted and missed. I felt hurt and disappointed that he didn't. Or it seemed like he didn't, anyway.

We rarely admit our honest feelings in our society. This is the complete and honest raw truth - I want to be adored. Desperately. I crave it. I know it sounds like a silly, childish want. Sounds like something a 5 year old would want but it is my truth. I want to be doted on. I want to bask in it. I guess it is an experience I never had.

Don't get me wrong - what I do have is pretty good. I have someone who cares and thinks about me, is willing to help me if they can and supports me. I'm not discounting that this is of value. I feel lucky to have this. However, I won't deny my deepest desire and wish, for fear of seeming ungrateful or greedy or narcissistic or whatever. It is a valid thing to desire. There is nothing wrong or bad about desiring this. For some reason, our society has encouraged us to settle. To play small. To make do with what we have and be grateful. I have always hated the phrase "there's a lot worse off than you, you know". I DO acknowledge that, I AM grateful for what I do have, I still want more. I still want better and that's OK. I'm not sorry for wanting more.

I have a feeling that once things are better, I won't feel this desire, this craving so keenly, so strongly. I do want to feel appreciated, though. I don't desire more material wealth than just enough to live on without suffering. I don't desire a successful career, I don't desire expensive possessions, I don't desire other people's admiration - other than wanting one person on this planet to adore me. Often for people this is a parent or a child or sibling, maybe a friend. It doesn't have to be a lover but I do look for it.

I know that if this doesn't develop in my boyfriend, I will want to end our relationship when I'm feeling better. It seemed like he did adore me at first, it feels like that adoration has waned. It's like I've just woken up and realised for the first time that when things are bad for me, when I am hurting, when I find it hard to get through each day, it should make me just as adorable. When I'm not "succeeding" in the sense of making lots of money or achieving lots of things, I am still just as worthy of love.

I'm crying as I write this because it is huge for me. I'm learning to love myself and stop 'settling' because it's all I think I deserve. I deserve everything. We all do.

Part of me resents him, I'm starting to realise that now. I thought that my love for him must be selfish because it reduced when I didn't get it reflected back to me. It made me feel like my mother - a very painful feeling. A frightening prospect because she controlled us emotionally by withholding love. By going cold and disapproving if we didn't do what she wanted. I know most parents do this if we are naughty but my mother did this if we didn't please her enough that's unfair and unhealthy. Not being naughty was not enough for her and that's unfair. A mother shouldn't require her child to adore and dote on her and satisfy her every whim. That is not a child's job.

It's all coming out now! It might seem like gobbledegook to anyone reading this but I don't care. Sometimes when I write in my diary something magical happens. While I'm writing and expressing myself I have a breakthrough, an epiphany. I understand myself better suddenly. A piece of the jigsaw suddenly falls into place and I feel excited and healed. Just by understanding myself a bit better.

I find it easy to love and adore people. As long as they are people I like and admire. I love myself, too, though. Most of the messages I got from family growing up and society, were that I wasn't good enough, that I am not adorable and worthy of love and adoration just the way I am. Do you know what I did with that? without even realising? Because I loved and adored others, I made the logical conclusion that because I was not adored, I wasn't as good as them. I wasn't loved and adored by my parents because they didn't know how to love properly. I don't think they loved and adored each other. I don't think they got it from their own parents. It left a hole in them.

So, it's not an egotistical, conditional love I have for people, it's just that I want to be properly loved. I want that need met. When I don't get it, I feel unfulfilled, disappointed, deprived. I feel pain, lack, frustration, something is missing. I start to pull away because I can't stay where I'm not appreciated and fulfilled. I'm settling. It's not the fault of my partner. If they could give me what I wanted, they would.

I had a long talk to my boyfriend on Sunday. At first he got angry, then he understood. I was sad, unhappy and frustrated - but also knew that he hadn't done anything wrong. I felt angry and couldn't hide it but told him I knew he hadn't done anything bad or mean. He has limits on how close he can get to someone because he is still hurting from a broken heart in the past. I totally understand where he is coming from. I'm still hurting, too. I understand it isn't personal but I keep feeling deflated and disappointed. That's not good. I don't want to feel that way. I want to get my needs met instead of settling. I think I'm ready to fall in love but it has to be with someone who loves me just as much. It's too soon after losing my husband to lose someone I love, again.

This relationship has a shelf-life now. It's dependent on something more coming from him and I that's because I recognise I am worthy and deserve to be really, properly, enthusiastically loved. At this moment in time, it is helping me more than it's hurting me - but only just. That's because I'm feeling so low. Getting better means losing my relationship which is a real shame. I choose me, though. I choose getting my needs met fully. This is why I stayed single for so long - because settling for something 'less' felt empty and depressing. I always resented it.

Long post but much achieved, I think!

Freda that was a fantastic post. I identifed with alot of it and completely understand that need to feel loved. I hear the saying love yourself alot on these forums and social media but I never find anyone who gives any kind of idea how you go about that.

I always look out for your diary and your posts, I think recently you have shown a real raw honesty and emotional awareness. I always feel a little less alone after reading your thoughts, thank you.

Thanks, robf

That is heartwarming.

Oh, my boyfriend broke up with me.

Yep.

Well I think you might of sensed it coming but that doesnt make it any easier. Sometimes we can get so caught up with wanting someone to need and want us that we forget why we want that person, I mean beyond that initial feedback of there affection. What is it about a person that makes you want to be with them, do you feel a connection either psychical or emotionally, do you want to rip there clothes off ha. You can tell me to go do one but from what you have wrote about your now ex-boyfriend I don't I ever got that sense that you had that spark or chemistry. Sorry if that comes across a bit heartless but just wanted to maybe put a different perspective on the situation. I hope you stay close to friends, this stuff always hurts regardless.

We did have strong chemistry at first. I guess most people do. He made me feel beautiful and desirable.

We connected really deeply in our eyes and it was good to have that connection again. It wouldn't have worked out, we were very different and he had a very negative outlook of lack regarding money, which for some reason is very bad for me. I guess it's a gamblers mindset of always wanting more. Never having enough. Sure enough, he was gambling, still.

I simply really felt a need to feel safe, loved and held at the moment. To not be alone when the anxiety was at it's worst. I really miss my exhusband because that stuff doesn't have to be sexual at all. We were still close and loved each other and his cuddles and love used to help enormously.

After speaking to a friend last night I realised that his behaviour does seem to match the pattern of an abuser. All of his previous serious relationships have been with vulnerable women. I think I have had a lucky escape, I'm still left feeling abandoned and without that support of a physical presence.

I had a good sleep last night without needing to take valium yesterday so that is a huge positive. Life goes on, even if for me, that is from under my duvet for a while.

Hi Freda,

Ohh..some changes there for you. Ya know girl, don't get upset! Sometimes when we feel vulnerable and anxious we simply don't see the "true" person who is next to us. We ignore red flags and just take the good offered.
He doesn't sound like a "charming knight on white horse" & if it's true that he picked vulnerable souls - it's the best thing for you to run away from such creature. Honesty is priority in a relationship. With it comes care, love and unity.

I am sure you will find the soul your heart is looking for. Don't even have to look for it - universe is full of surprises and I'm sure quite few of them are waiting for you round the corner ☺...keep your head held high sweets...keep looking after yourself and care for yourself..the rest will slot in the place.

Again..wanted to thank you for your words earlier this week. When going got tough (near enough daily I'm afraid), i remembered your words and tears dried quicker than i expected. I keep that encouraging line close to my heart - " i am stronger than i think!"..thank you...you saved me on many occasions from the massive dark thoughts & the need to escape myself.

You're great person...never forget how amazing you are and you MATTER the most.

Love, hugs

S x

Oh, Sandra. You made me cry. In a good way. I'm so glad it has helped you walk through dark days. What an honour to be able to ease that suffering!

f x