Going to keep this thread now!

R asked his Dad about moving back in with him tonight.

DT I agree with you that they would probably never check, but we have had so much trouble with them in the past! I really dont think i could cope if they did 'do' us for benefit fraud. I dont wanna take the risk.

It ll sort out somehow but just so weary of taking two backward steps for every forward one.

Sorry im a right moany cow today. We went for a walk to try and cheer up this afternoon and we both felt so flippin depressed by our city. There was some bloke passed out in the park at 3pm, clutching a bin bag. Quite a culture shock after being away in the lake district. Society seems so bloomin chaotic, and grim!

Got back to find there was a sarky message from my auntie on facebook, just fed up man! had only been saying on my profile that id set a date for my wedding. Had already told her we were getting married. But she was all 'and i had to find out on facebook when you are getting married, i could take the huff!' just stupid selfish peoples egos man, really resent it when dealing with so much already. Its just like 'f**k off! the world doesnt revolve around you!'

Anyway, rant over.

Bogged down by stupid crappiness, but still ploughing on! Apart from my lotto ticket havent had a gamble in almost 13 weeks.

So scared of the future, but trying to take it ODAAT.

Morning Freda,

Hope you are ok today. You don't ever have to apologise for moaning when u feel like it. That's what the diaries are for I think. You will come through this, you have shown tremendous willpower and determination to get this far.

In terms of family issues, I have had to cut off access to my parents as their attitude was so destructive for me at this time that I could not cope at all. This was only 9 days ago and the relief I felt was literally like flicking a switch on/off. I now feel ready to deal with my situation properly, without them in the background telling me I am useless and a failure.

I know what you mean about everyone around seeming negative, unfortunately when we are in the wrong place mentally, things that would not normally bother us become impossible to deal with. When your self-esteem improves, these feelings will subside. I know it's hard and some days feels impossible, but you owe it to yourself to carry on the battle.

You will win it Freda, Grrrrrrr!

DT.

Feel much better today. Still no gambling (although still playing £1 once or twice a week on lotto if you are a purist)

Have to contact Landlord tomorrow, as R is moving out at the weekend. Need to tell him Im going back on housing benefit. This may sound really stupid, but I hate contacting our landlord. I dont know why, he is a pleasant enough guy, but I always feel like Im being a pest! Throw back to childhood I think - stop pestering the grown ups!

I also feel really uncomfortable making 'small-talk' with people I never speak to. Just another of the millions of things I worry waaaay too much about, lol.

Its going to be sad R moving out for the next few months, but it feels like the right thing to do for us right now.

Rather than keep trying a new job every few weeks and wearing myself down, this way I can continue to build myself back up with voluntary work. As far as the government is concerned, this is the best way to stay on the safe side benefit-wise, in my experience. To work for free! Just love this country...

Fast forward 6 months though, and Im confident things will be looking much rosier in our garden. Ive just been through so much with my nerves that I have to take things slowly. Six months ago, I struggled to go past the end of our road without collapsing with anxiety - so I think Im doing flippin good considering 🙂

Hi Freda,

Hope you are ok today. My counsellor cancelled on me again today(2 out of last 4 sessions). Probably something to do with having to listen to numpties like us?

Take care,

DT.

Hi Freda,

I hope you aren't too lonely without R? Thinking of you......Jas x

Thanks for posts guys 🙂

was just looking at pictures of my nephew and nieces birthday party on my sister-in-laws facebook page. I miss them. I feel like it would be best for me not to have her in my friends - not out of any nastiness, but because its better not to see what you are left out of. Ignorance is bliss. Ah well, what can you do?

R was great yesterday. Ive been feeling really raw the last couple of weeks, and it came to a head yesterday when I got back from work. I was knackered and looking forward to having a lie down after having a bit of a panic attack in town. Just got sat down, and my nose started pouring with blood! all over a white top of course...

Bless him, he looked after me all night. Made me a coffee, fetched ice for my nose, then a straw for my coffee when I couldnt get the cup to my mouth cos of the tampon up my nose (best thing for a nosebleed you know - strange but true...). Did the washing up and rubbed my feet and back. What a legend.

Im crying just writing this, as Ive never had anyone love me like that before. He's the first person to give me credit for being a really nice person, and always treat me with respect. Him and my best friend. When you've been abused, then told you are a bad person for feeling a bit upset about it, you cant help but wonder if it reflects on you. Maybe there is just something wrong with me? Maybe I am a really immature, unreasonable person?

I know deep down im not. I always question nastiness or rudeness rather than let it go. Maybe that is immature. I do wish I were more able to bite my tongue. I just hate to see people being bullied. Recently I felt someone was being a real rude a s s in chat. Going on about themselves all the time, then criticising other people when they spoke. I spoke up when he had a go at a friend, because it was really rude and unnecessary. Also because I was very irritated and wanted him to know I was irritated.

I would like to change this about myself. Its coming from a good place, wanting to confront rudeness and nastiness, but I am very quick to retaliate. Im never nasty when I retaliate. I just say how I feel. I want to feel less of a need to do this though. Its not always constructive. The thing about people who are being rude, is they dont want to hear it anyway half the time. They know deep down when looking back that they werent being very nice, but it never seems to achieve anything by confronting them.

I think this is the bullied part of my ego coming out, telling the world to 'back off'. Why do it though? My family feel alienated from me because I always tell them how their behaviour makes me feel. I honestly dont think I criticise their behaviour wrongly. its not as if I complain about silly things like 'you forgot to say good morning to me - how dare you!'. You know, its more 'dont call your child a sp*cker' (sorry if my using this word offends anyone, not my word) 'dont take your kids to visit your Dad but not your Mum' 'Dont lie to your wife that Ive hurled abuse at you'. You know, ACTUAL bad things.

They all play the 'we are all going to be vile to each other, but pretend its not happening' game. I just dont want to play that game.

Soz for rambling, need to talk about this with my counsellor, if she ever actually goes to work! All I ask is fr at least 2 sessions in a row,lol.

Hi Freda

Sounds like you have a stack of stuff going on. Try thinking (metaphorically) of carrying a ruck sack on your back through life. Some things in the ruck sack are yours and yours only. You have to get round to dealing with them once you are good and ready. Then there are bits and pieces in there that have absolutely nothing to do with you but you still carry them. It might be a good idea to sort through your ruck sack and disregard anything that is not yours. Just a thought and I can relate to what you say about family. I have the same sort of problem and it is hard to disregard as it is so deep rooted. It's worth a try though.

Take care

Steve E

Hi Freda,

Hope you are ok. Know what you mean about the big ego in chat, he has done it before and when he left I asked the other chat members what they thought about his attitude. Nobody even responded. It's a bit unbritish to rock the boat I'm afraid.

I think people who are rude should be questioned as to why, unfortunately not many others seem to think so. Just go on blindly offerring support to anyone who turns up however they behave. You'll never change it, but think it's good to stick up for yourself, shows you are still fighting the good fight.

Take care,

DT.

Feeling much calmer and settled this morning.

We were supposed to have a carpet cleaner coming over on Monday, so we shifted all of the furniture out of the living room only to be told he couldnt make it.

So we have been living in chaotic surroundings the past 48 hours. We have a different company booked to come at lunchtime - I cant wait to get everything back in its place! I think we sometimes under estimate the effect our surroundings can have on our mental state 🙂

Im feeling like im on a hilly hike across the moors. Its quite high up, so sometimes I go off track a little due to the mist. From some places I cant clearly see the way forward, but it has cleared a little today and I can see Im still on track.

OOO deep eh? lol

Hi Freda

Ask yourself if there is anything you can do to change the fact that the carpet guy could not make it. It is tough but you have to accept that you cannot control it. Try letting it go. I should know because I'm the blinking same (LOL).

I'm getting better slowly

Take care

Steve E

Thanks for your thoughts stevey,

I had let it go almost instantly. Always do with things like that - was just observing that the chaotic environment of furniture piled everywhere was probably not very tranquil or relaxing!

The second guy has been and gone and said he wouldnt advise cleaning it because its a wilton carpet and they shrink by a few inches anyway. Its a 20 x 20 foot room so it would cost hundreds to replace it if it shrank.

He was really nice though and gave me some deodorizing solution for free to spray the carpet with. Has taken away some of the damp smell.

What can you do? just accept it 🙂

We wont live here forever.

For today, I did not gamble.

Hi Freda,

Ive just been reading your recent posts and my image of you now has a tampon up the nose.. lol

For today you did not gamble.. nor did I.. yee haa. Cheers for now.. S.A 🙂

Hi Freda,

I enjoy your post soooo much. They make me smile. Hey up...a tampon up your nose! I stick them up amarylis (flowers) in floristry displays. Amazing the uses they have!

For today we did not gamble. Good on you girl.

Jas x

Hi Freda

Just wanted to thankyou for your continued support and kind words on my diary. Nice post by the way lol!

Take care, ands xx

Hi Freda

Hope you are ok. Good to see you keeping the gamcare troops entertained with your ongoing life story.

Be good,

DT.