Going to keep this thread now!

I think I am the person my soul has been looking for. I am getting better at it with practice but I need to put myself first in all things, for the forseeable future. It will be hard at first, particularly if that means some people no longer find it worth me being a part of their world. It blooming works, though!

I showered myself with love on Monday. Had a bath, shaved my legs (but for me), did yoga, meditated, curled up in bed with a book, massaged oils into my body to make my skin soft and nourished, said nice things to myself in my head. I felt sooo much better for it by the next day. Of course then my intuition led me to a very upsetting realisation about my boyfriend. However, before that happened, I felt much better.

In many ways it feels a relief to be single once more. With all of the other uncertainty around whether I will lose my job, whether I will get the benefits I've applied for and, more importantly, whether I will be allowed to remain on them for the time I need to recover my strength and resilience, it was hard to find the energy to shave my legs before every time I saw him, put on makeup, or keep my flipping lady garden neat and tidy. All of these things women often feel they need to do to be desirable and acceptable to a man. Wearing matching underwear, buying frilly, titilating things - he, of course, wore holey old pants! Because men don't think they need to bother. It makes me quite cross, actually, because it is a way of saying that men are of more value than women. That is such bull poo. Thing is, if I was truly loved and appreciated by him, those things wouldn't matter at all. I wouldn't feel I needed to do them.

That real love and appreciation is a great feeling. Feeling accepted warts and all. When your hair is greasy and scraped back in a knot and you're wearing your pj's but your partner still looks at you with that warm, fondness in their eyes. It feels so nice.

My self-esteem has come up a bit and I'm not feeling as apologetic and inferior for having anxiety and depression and not being able to work because of it, right now. I don't want to be around anyone who doesn't see my value.

He has started saying that he made an 'error of judgement' and wants to be with me now. I've cut all contact with him. If he acknowledged and respected my value as a person he would not have behaved as he did. He may still have been unsure whether he wanted to be with me anymore, he would not be chatting up other women while he decided that, though.

Posting a lot today but it is helping me to express myself.

I feel sad today. I feel lonely. I don't want to see anyone today, though, because I am emotional and just want to feel how I feel.

I'm really looking forward to a healer I know coming to see me on Tuesday and to going for some Reiki on Wednesday with a lady I've been seeing every week. I wish I had that loving, nurturing, presence in my own life. My inner child just wants to be nurtured and cared for at the moment, without having to do anything. My ex-husband used to rub my feet for me and let me lay in his arms with my head on his chest and fall asleep. It felt so safe and nurturing.

Hi Freda,

Just a lil (((((((f)))))))). You're not alone with your feelings, keep pushing. Be kind to yourself, everything will be ok!

& of course keep posting..anytime no matter how many entries..as long as it helps - keep spitting.

S x

Feeling extremely low today. Crying really hard and feeling a lot of emotional pain.

I've been thinking about people's reactions to my emotional pain. These have been pivotal to my experiences. Whenever I'm around people who say "It's normal to have bad days when you're really scared and feeling really low. You've been through a lot of loss recently including the loss of a supportive presence in your life. That's bound to make everything seem impossible some days. It's OK, though. I'm here to support you. It's OK to feel this way." Guess what? I get better and feel safe and supported like I don't have to go through bad days alone. When I'm around people who say "Oh, my God. You should really be feeling better by now. Maybe your medication is not working for you. You should see a doctor." I feel scared, abnormal and afraid. I feel people take this attitude whether they realise it or not because they cannot handle my emotion. They don't want to acknowledge that there's no magic wand for distress, that some people take a long time to get over traumatic events. They want it "fixed" because they can't fix it and that scares them.

You know what? F8%$ em! Just because a lot of people hide this strong emotion doesn't mean it's not OK. Doesn't mean I should have to put myself into self-imposed quarantine. I AM and I feel. That's OK. So many people try to cheer you up. It's not because they want you to feel better, although I'm sure that's also true. It's because they are uncomfortable with the strength of your emotional expression. My ex-husband was cool with this and knew I'd let these strong feelings of despair out and then I would feel a lot better. I felt safe in that company, care and love. I also felt I could be myself and didn't have to pretend. That is a wonderful feeling.

As is often the case, I'm feeling much better today. Having an emotional outpouring seems to help me enormously.

Hi Freda,

Thank you for your kind post ☺. What a coincidence - i was having a jog/walk (major problem with knee so couldn't run) and appreciated sun shining on my face, peaceful surroundings, and also getting breathing right..just to come back to read your post ☺. Really made me smile and injected more energy & belief in me. Can't thank you enough...(((((f)))))

Hope you're feeling a lot calmer and at peace. Little steps forward right...keep pushing. Everything will find its place in your world, give it some time.

Take care & look after yourself

S x

I'm determined to post a list of ten reasons to be grateful, every day for 21 days. I'm really feeling a bit hopeless and angry with the world. Sick of insecure jobs with fixed term contracts where you lose your job if you are off sick too much. Doing my best but it not being good enough. The world seriously needs to change because people do get sick. If you try your best and still get sick you should be allowed to have a decent quality of life. Sometimes I feel like we are going back to Victorian times where if you're sick or disabled it's tough poo and you don't deserve dignity or safety.

This is me with my negative head on, of course. I know deep down that I can recover and hold down a job on a checkout or something for 12 hours a week. That's all I need to do. That is do-able. I'm just angry that it is made so hard for the working class. So much needless suffering caused by other people's greed!

Anyway, what am I grateful for today?

1) I'm grateful for a warm, safe home. It is good to be safe and warm. Particularly with winter coming.

2) I'm grateful the cause of damp in my home has been fixed so I don't have to live with damp in the winter because it is bad for my health to be in damp, mouldy rooms. It is good for my health to be in a dry home.

3) I'm grateful for my healthy blood pressure. This means my body can withstand the emotional stress I am experiencing. It is good to be healthy.

4) I had an extra period last month. What a strange thing to be grateful for, you might think. Well, it is a sign of health. If your health is very poor you cannot menstruate, so again, I'm grateful for this sign of health.

5) I'm grateful for a comfortable bed to sleep in. It is good to be comfortable and get good rest.

6) I'm grateful for the antidepressants I am taking because they help me to cope with depression and anxiety. It is good for suffering to be reduced.

7) I'm grateful I'm not feeling so overwhelmed anymore. It was not nice to feel afraid to be alone overnight. I am grateful I feel safer now. It is good to feel safe.

8) I'm grateful for my education and intelligence. It enables me to eat a vegan diet whilst staying well-nourished. It is great to reduce the suffering that my diet used to cause without damaging my health. It is good to be compassionate.

9) I'm grateful for music which lifts my spirits and helps me express myself by singing and dancing.

10) I'm grateful for - hold on to your hats - orgasms. I may be single again but I still have them and they feel good and flood my body with relaxing happy chemicals. They are free! It is great to feel good without needing to spend money.

So, even though I'm painfully in touch with some more negative aspects of life today, I am also feeling grateful for many things.

Gratitude Day 2

1) I'm grateful for my mobility. We take this for granted a lot but how wonderful to be able to stand up and use my legs to go where I want to. It is good to be healthy and independent.

2) I'm grateful for the opportunity to cuddle cats yesterday. It was nice to have a beings full attention and be able to connect and give and receive love. It feels energising.

3) My ex-boyfriend sent me the phone he had bought for me before we broke up. I'm not materialistic but it's kindness which I am grateful for. It is good to receive kindness.

4) I'm grateful for the love my friend's dog gave me last night. Licking my nose and cuddling in to me. It felt good. It is great to feel good.

5) I'm grateful for my ex-husband's friendship and love. He is always there for me if I need someone to listen to me. It is good to be heard.

6) I am grateful for the nice surprise I got on Thursday when I checked the balance of a gift card in my purse. I didn't think it had any money on it but it had £10.02. It is good to be pleasantly surprised.

7) I am grateful for my laptop as it keeps me connected and able to access support and information online. It is good to be connected.

8) I am grateful for my copy of Positive News. I am a shareholder of this company (£50 worth) and I feel lucky that there is a movement globally to spread good news. It is uplifting. It feels good to be uplifted.

9) I'm grateful for having learned meditation techniques. Meditation relaxes me and is good for my health. It is good to be healthy.

10) I am grateful for my savings which help me to feel safe and to get things I need. It is great to feel safe and meet my needs.

Gratitude Day 3

1) I am grateful for electricity. How much easier this makes our lives! I really appreciate being able to recharge my phone and laptop and boil the kettle to make a lovely cuppa. It is great to live with ease.

2) I am grateful for the meal I ate last night. I made a pasta sauce from scratch, with organic vegetables and it tasted delicious. It is great to eat delicious, healthy food.

3) I am grateful for the happiness I have been feeling for the last couple of days. It seemed to have vanished into thin air. I felt I wasn't capable of feeling happy anymore but I am. It is great to feel happy.

4) I am grateful for the opportunity to help people in third world countries with an interest-free loan. It gives them the tools to empower themselves and expand their businesses. It feels great to help people become empowered.

5) I am grateful for all of the people who have reached out to me recently offering love and support. It feels great to be loved and supported.

6) I am grateful to my ex-husband for being up for buying a property with me. I wouldn't get a mortgage on my own and it means I can have a better quality of life than I would living in a landlord's property on my current income. It feels great to have a possibility of improving my living conditions.

7) I'm so grateful to be part of a food buying group who buy produce in bulk from a co-op. It feels great to spend my money somewhere ethical that empowers people.

8) I'm grateful for the beautiful colours in nature at the moment. It is lovely to walk through the woods in Autumn.

9) I'm grateful to Ken Loach for making the film "I, Daniel Blake" about the cruelty of the welfare system under austerity. I can't watch it because it is very triggering to me but it will hopefully raise consciousness and awareness. Right awareness is wonderful. It is wonderful that someone is telling the truth. Truth is beautiful and powerful.

10) I'm grateful for hot running water. It's wonderful to get clean under hot running water.

Hi Freda, loving your gratitude posts! You're right, we have so much to be grateful for! I'm sat here with a coffee and your post just reminded me of how lucky I am to be able to sit here with a warm coffee this morning. Thank you for your inspiring posts. Cx

Hi Freda,

Thank you for your post and caring..now, if we cared as much about ourselves as others - there would be no negativity huh.

I love your gratitude posts! Today i come to realisation of how important life is. A woman has threw herself under the train leaving 4yr old behind :-(...
I think what came from my mouth next surprised my peers, "sadly some ppl choose permanent solution to temporary problem, that moment in time they don't see the way out but the consequences affects way more than people connected to person ..it affects society also". Now..i wouldn't be saying that if didn't have some sort of relation to such mindset.
Support is important, self care even more.

Not sure why i tell you this, but the lil things you are greatful for everyday are the most important things to draw the picture of life.

Keep on keeping on! Look after yourself and keep being greatful for everything around you!..You're worth it - accept the beauty of universe ☺

S x

Thanks all. Pleased to be of any positive inspiration.

Gratitude Day 4

1) I'm grateful I got a taxi quickly this morning. It meant my day got off to a fairly peaceful start. It was a cold, rainy morning and I was running late for my first CBT appointment. I got there in plenty of time. It felt good to be on time.

2) I'm grateful I was feeling calm enough today to go and get a haircut. Something as simple as this can be very difficult when my anxiety state is high. For this reason, I'd put it off quite a long time and was looking very raggedy! I'm grateful because it felt good to take care of my appearance and feel calm and comfortable.

3) I'm grateful to live in a country where the risk of a natural disaster is very low. People are suffering through no fault of their own in Haiti right now. I'm grateful I am safe from hurricanes. It is good to feel safe.

4) I'm grateful to the post office man who saved me £2 with his eagle eye this morning. I was about to overpay for my postage and he put me right before it was too late! It is good to receive help.

5) I'm grateful for the money I have received from selling a mobile phone. My ex-boyfriend sent it to me as a gift but I didn't want it so I sold it on E bay 🙂 It is good to have money.

6) I'm grateful I rang the council about my housing benefit today. My income has reduced so I've asked them to reassess how much I'm entitled to. I hadn't heard back after 3 weeks so I phoned to see what was going on. It turns out that the email I sent them was never received as their computer systems were down. If I hadn't checked I wouldn't have been able to resend the details and it could have taken months before I got the help I was entitled to. It is good to remedy problems.

7) I'm grateful to my neighbour downstairs for answering the door when I have a parcel delivery. My doorbell doesn't work so if she didn't do this I would have to go to the depot. It is very kind of her. It is good to experience kindness.

8) I'm grateful I have had such a productive day in general. It feels like my mental health is starting to improve and I'm grateful for better wellbeing.

9) I'm grateful for the clean, fresh sheets on my bed tonight. It feels so good on clean sheets night!

10) I'm grateful for the enjoyment I got from browsing in a charity shop today. It is good to enjoy myself.

Gratitude Day 5

1) I am grateful for the very tasty dinner I ate this evening. It was yummy. It is great to enjoy food.

2) I am grateful to the big, strong trees in the woods near where I live. They clean my air for me and look very beautiful. It feels great to have clean air.

3) I am grateful for my earplugs as there are some noisy mentalists walking about shouting throughout the night. My earplugs keep me peaceful. It is great to feel peaceful.

4) I am grateful to be finding it easier to do boring household chores like washing up. I am never going to love these things but it feels good to be able to get them done. It is great to be more motivated.

5) I'm grateful to have been invited to a discussion event locally. It sounds a bit poncey so I'm not going to go but it is lovely to be included.

6) I'm grateful for the happy, excited dogs I shared the park with this afternoon. I love to see them having fun. It is great to rejoice in the happiness of other beings.

7) I'm grateful for the bargain underwear set I got from Debenhams yesterday. It looks right fancy! It was only £10. It is great to get a bargain.

8) I'm grateful for my central heating. It has been very cold tonight. It is great to be warm.

9) I am grateful for the effects of my Yoga session. I only did 30 minutes in my flat tonight but I feel much more relaxed and comfortable in my body. It is great to be relaxed.

10) I'm grateful for the vitamins I took today. They help me to keep my body healthy and strong as a vegan. It is great to be healthy.

Gratitude Day 6

1) I am grateful for the lovely things I have seen while out and about today. I saw a little boy kissing his Daddy's hand better and a little girl running towards her Daddy all excited. These things warmed my heart and made me smile. I love to smile.

2) I am grateful for the lovely underwear I managed to get in the Debenhams sale. I got a matching set for £10. It is good to have nice things.

3) I'm grateful for the lovely vegan chocolates I've been enjoying today. I bought them on Thursday night. They are delish.

4) I'm grateful for the vegan store I discovered in the next city. It stocks lots of lovely things that I like to eat. It is great to have products that are compassionate.

5) I'm grateful for the lovely hot bATH I had tonight. It was very relaxing and soothed my aches. it is great to feel better.

6) I'm grateful for tumeric. I have been using it for the past few days to help alleviate my sore back. I feel a lot better after taking it for a few days.

7) I'm grateful for the lovely skirt I bought in a charity shop. It was only £1.50!!!! Bargain! I love bargains.

8) I'm grateful for the company of my friends last night. We played some board games and I enjoyed it.

9) I'm grateful for the lift home I got last night. It was very kind of my friend. Kindness is magic!

10) I found out today thaT my job is being held open for me for a while longer. I'm not sure if I want to go back but it is good to have options.

Today I am angry about a lot of things. If you feel like you want to comment on this post in a judgemental way, do me a favour and fluff off. I'm using the word fluff as a substitute word because I reckon I'm going to use it quite a lot during this entry and it's quicker and easier than asterisking it constantly.

In our society anger is really taboo. We are discouraged from acknowledging and expressing our anger. We are often judged for expressing our anger by repressed people who would deep down, bloody LOVE to feel empowered and "allowed" enough to express theirs. Unapologetically expressing my anger in this entry does not mean I am not aware there are people worse off than me, it does not mean I'm ignoring all of the positives in my life, it simply means I am experiencing and expressing my anger as completely and unapologetically as I like. If you have an issue with this, it says something about your own relationship with anger - it says absolutely fluff all about me. Period.

o*g! You may be thinking. This is unusual. This is a strange phenomenon! A human with a v****a is standing fully in their own power. How the fluff did that happen? I didn't think it was possible! It is.

Most of my anger today centres around the many traumas I have experienced ( I get to decide what I experience as traumatic, not you ) and the fury I feel toward all of the people who have invalidated my traumatic experiences. Fluff you. Every. Single. One. Of. You. No, I will not just get on with it. No, I will not pretend it is OK when it completely, unequivocally ISN'T OK. OK? Why the fluff should I? So you are more comfortable? Do you know what's really fluffing uncomfortable? Suppressing your feelings that arise as a result of the trauma so you will be accepted by society. Fluff you, society! You're sick and abusive, if those are your membership criteria!

I thought I'd write a little poem. I feel like expressing my anger in this way, today.

I See You

I see you, sister. Let's call you 'Mother' here,

So people can understand who you are in relation to 'Father',

I see you, Mother. I see you tired and drained,

I see you, quietly getting on with thankless tasks,

I see you, doubting yourself,

I see you, wondering if it's OK to feel resentful,

I see you, Mother, agreeing to a situation your soul doesn't like,

I see you, Mother, doing what you believe is the right thing,

Keeping your promise, that you made when you believed his promises,

I see you, Mother, wondering why it's OK for him to take you for granted,

To use you as a cook, housekeeper and nanny,

To children that you didn't particularly want,

That he persauded you to have,

While he goes out and lives his life, fully.

I see you, Father,

I see your public persona, a good man, a holy man,

I man who fights for the rights of the abused and oppressed,

While your wife sits at home thinking about the things she'd do if she were free, like you,

I see you, Father,

I see you, claiming to believe in socialist ideals,

Publicly declaring the importance of being paid the living wage,

I remember what you said to me in private, though,

When there was no audience to hear you,

When I expressed my anger that my employer did not pay me the living wage,

I remember you invalidating my feelings, saying my employer does the best it can,

I remember wondering if you would repeat that aloud,

For the benefit of your admirers.

I see you, Father,

I see you telling me how worried you are that you might lose your job,

I see how valid your own worries are to you,

But I remember, Father,

I remember what you said a month earlier,

When I expressed concern over definitely losing MY job,

You brushed it off, with the sweep of your callous hand through the air,

Saying 'well, 130 other people are going to. That's just the way it is',

As if MY identical concern was completely inconsequential,

Merely because it was not owned by you,

It's the weirdest thing,

This side, that I see,

It seems to come out mainly around the weak, the meek, the humble,

It seems to come out more around people with vaginas,

Even if they are not weak, meek, nor humble,

How sad it makes me to notice this,

It sometimes comes out around people who challenge you,

And your way of seeing the world,

I see you, Father,

I see the incredibly kind and caring things you do for your fellow man,

I see all of you, though, unlike many people,

I see the side of you that only exists behind closed doors,

Is this side a vampire?

Why else would you not let it out in the open?

For everyone to see,

In all it's grotesqueness,

In all it's truth.

Sometimes I love that I see all,

You say I'm "extremely sensitive",

Like it's a bad thing,

People like me freak you out,

You can't fool us,

We see all of you, whether you like it or not.

I see you, Father,

You're not all bad,

But you're not all good, either,

And, to me, it's as plain as the dog collar around your neck.

I see you, Father. All of you.

Ooooh, I really enjoyed writing that! I love my intuition and trust it 100% I no longer allow manipulative people to make me doubt it. They need me to doubt myself, I'm too threatening standing in my full power.