Going to keep this thread now!

I've had a really bad episode of depression today. Really hard to cope with. I think it is starting to pass, thankfully. Fingers crossed!

It's so scary to cope with alone.

Hey Freda, your not alone, we are here, has anything happened today to trigger that off, x

Hopefully you're feeling a bit better now? If in doubt revert to post 2569 number 10?
Thanks again for sharing your gratitude post's
Enjoy your weekend

Arrrgh! I just wrote a long post then lost internet connection and lost it!

In a nutshell, I came to understand today that I have complex PTSD which is where you have traumatic experiences as a child and this causes you to overreact as an adult when things happen that remind you of them. Because of this, you will also get "emotional flashbacks" where you just feel scared but don't know why. It's the childhood fear that you weren't able to understand and integrate. It was a familiar feeling often without one, specific trigger, so sometimes it literally comes out of nowhere. It is hrd to soothe myself when this happens as an adult because I'm feeling as a child, but didn't realise this until today.

It will help me going forward to have better understanding of why I feel how I feel.

Hey beautiful soul ☺

Thank you for the post. Some deep digging was in process huh.
The relationship with my Mummy is difficult to explain. Here she hates me as hell & here she calls me an angel. I do believe i remind her of tough times in her own childhood. I think i remind her pain. Go figure huh..
It was confusing times where i didn't know where I stand. It was painful times but more emotionally than physically. I love her to bits, always will no matter what she said / did. Also...i will go when she goes & that's something engraved in my mind. Not normal but that's the connection i feel...maybe out there i find acceptance.

I hear where you're coming from. Need of connection huh. Yes, we're human beings after all.

I do hope you're feeling calmer now. There are many greatful things to look forward to ☺ sun rising & calm around you, heating on, food in the fridge....most importantly - people you can lean on and who listens..not by ears...- by heart !

Look after yourself,
Stay safe hun

S x

The depression is still coming and going. When it is here, I feel shaky, a bit nauseous and just scared or sad. It is really uncomfortable to be inside my body at the moment. This does always pass but it is horrible while it is here.

I have broadband again once more which is a relief as the internet provides plenty of distractions for me.

Right, still feeling really bad but going to knock out one of my famous lists 😉

1) I am grateful for the confidence to chat to the cafe man this morning. I didn't know him very well and often feel very shy but I had a cuppa with him (there was no-one else there) and chatted for half an hour - 45 mins. It's a long time for me. It is great to improve confidence.

2) I'm grateful for the chance to help my friend today by looking after the dog for a bit. I often feel limited to how much I can help people but this was quite easy.

3) I'm grateful for having a dog to stroke for a bit. It wasn't really bothered but it made me feel a bit better.

4) I am grateful that I managed to hoover and wash up today despite feeling really depressed and anxious. It is great to be productive.

5) I'm grateful for the lovely vegan pralines I've been eating today. They are lovely. It was nice to experience some pleasure.

6) I'm grateful for the clean sheets on my bed which smell nice and make me feel nice when I snuggle into them.

7) I'm grateful that my router came today. I have wifi again! This feels great.

8) I'm grateful I got through some strong emotional pain today without self-medicating with tranquilisers. It is good for me to face scary feelings so I am not as scared of them in future.

9) I'm grateful I have a healthy blood pressure. It helps me feel safe when I am really distressed.

10) I'm grateful I can give myself some reiki tonight to help me relax. It is good to feel relaxed.

And I'm grateful you made chat
It's good to see other members sharing there experiences so thank you.
Have a great evening
Deano

Thanks, Deano. It was good to get to know you a bit better in chat. I only really read a couple of diaries on here of people I've known on here for years but it was nice to connect with a few more people in chat.

I'm feeling much better, just a bit weary and run down, physically. It will pass with some rest.

Hug coming your way Freda,

Hope your weekend is kind to you.

Stay safe and appreciate lil things in life ☺..yup..waiting for your list of gratitude x

S x

Thanks S x x

I am winning, overall. Things are still really hard but I am so much better than I was a couple of months ago. Even though I am still unable to do so much, I am able to do so much more than I could before.

I really have to respect where I started from. I was right down on the ground. As low as can be, scared, unable to get out of my flat, crying every day, panic attacks every day, sometimes feeling so anxious I was scared I would die. I couldn't go into the city centre, rarely felt up to walking in the woods. I am so much better!

Good time for a gratitude list, I think!

1) I am grateful I was able to go to an interfaith walk of friendship yesterday. It was hard because I was feeling tired and depressed and struggling to make conversation with people - but I managed to stay for the whole thing. This is progress!

2) I am grateful that my CBT folder was found in my therapists office last week. I left in a bit of a daze after the session, feeling very anxious and emotional and couldn't figure out where it had got to. It had a lot of personal things in it so I am really grateful to have it back.

3) I am grateful for my ex husband's friendship. He has been speaking to me on the phone more than usual at the moment while I navigate this choppy patch I am going through. It feels so good to speak to someone who loves and understands me. He is such a good friend.

4) I am grateful that it is only 3 or 4 weeks until my ex husband comes to visit. I am really looking forward to company, foot rubs and cuddles. I long to be held. He is happy to still do this for me and I don't think it is unhealthy because I don't depend on it at all. I can't! He lives in Manchester now! Everyone benefits from physical affection and love and I don't have that kind of relationship with my parents. I need to stay single until I am stronger in myself and having access to that safe, nurtured feeling occasionally, helps me a lot. He is one of the only people who feel like family to me. There is nothing romantic about it and it doesn't make me wish we were still together, so it really is just feeling connected to someone that it gives me. It is playing more of a motherly role for me, which I really appreciate.

5) I am grateful for a cordless telephone. Simple things like that can make my life so much easier! I had to telephone the DWP today and wait in a queue for ages. Having the cordless phone just meant I could move from room to room and get on with things while I was waiting.

6) I am grateful for the chance to go to an art group at a local mental health charity. I used to go years ago and asked if I could start again. I don't like spending too much time there because it can get a bit upsetting when people are really unwell and some of them can be a bit nasty or sometimes clingy and try to offload onto you. I have identified it as a tool to get me out and around other people again in an unpressurised way. It is good to have as an option and is just once a week.

7) I am grateful for feeling calm and happy this evening. I am savouring it. I appreciate spending more time feeling well.

8) I am grateful for the bit of conversation I got this afternoon when I popped into the cafe across the road. I was just expecting to buy something and leave but got talking to a couple of the guys who run it. It felt nice to feel confident enough to do that.

9) I am grateful I was able to phone my Mam and chat to her for a bit. I have a difficult relationship with her as she can be a bit nasty and bitter and I've never really gotten over the emotional abuse from her when I was a child. I have forgiven her but it still affects me today. It affects my confidence and ability to feel relaxed and safe with people. I still want to have a reasonable relationship with her if I can and it was good that I was able to chat with her and give her some support as she had an episode with her heart last week and ended up in hospital. She seemed to appreciate it.

10) I am grateful for a home today. It is very cold, windy and raining torrentially tonight. I am so lucky to have a safe, warm shelter from the weather.

I'm feeling quite tense, anxious and overwhelmed today, so I'm having a cry and a write in my diary.

I have been much better lately in terms of anxiety and depression but I have a few things coming up that I'm nervous about and I am really missing having someone there for support. Sometimes you just want a cuddle and someone to listen to you and make you feel safe.

I went to stay with my Mam last night as it was her birthday. It is hard for me to do, but she seemed to appreciate it. It takes 1 and a half hours to get there on the bus, which is a long journey for me to do. I don't have that much in common with my Mam and find her quite boring, she also really irritates me the way she witters constantly and fusses. It took a lot of energy to get the bus there and then back this morning and to spend a few hours with her last night. I didn't sleep that well, either. So I guess that has drained me quite a lot.

I booked a tattoo to be done on Tuesday coming. It's very anxiety provoking for me due to social anxiety and it's also something that tends to make a person quite nervous, anyway. I was planning to take some valium if I was really bad but this one anxiety provoking event by itself seemed manageable to me. Now, my employer wants me to attend a meeting to discuss my long-term absence from work, on Wednesday morning. I find these meetings very anxiety-provoking and did not want to have to do this the day after doing something else very difficult. I'm also going to get a treatment called the Bowen Method on Monday afternoon/evening, although it shouldn't be stressful at all, it is something new in an unfamiliar place. So I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything.

I guess I could cancel my tattoo appointment or try and rearrange it, I would lose the £50 deposit if I cancelled. It feels very frustrating. I do feel I could cope with this better on a less stressful week. I feel a bit calmer for writing this all down, it's funny how that works.

I think I will phone to try and rearrange my tattoo appointment. That is going to make things feel much more manageable.

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No! Everyone has equal rights when it comes to feeling gratitude! 😀

I rearranged my tattoo appointment. Simple. I think I make problems that aren't there. I'd already decided that they wouldn't let me rearrange and I'd lose my deposit - in reality, it was no problem. I do want to get this tattoo done as it is to hide self-harm scars. I've had them for 20 years (they're pretty bad cuts) and was always self-conscious about them. I keep my upper arms covered in public but once I got married, I didn't think I'd have to show anyone else my naked body. My husband wasn't phased by them as he had self-harmed himself, although not as severely. I feel like it just says "unstable" to a new boyfriend or lover. I am also getting really sick of not being able to wear vests in the summer.

That is really interesting about the decision-making. I'd not known that but it does make sense. I remember when I was little, I started to cry because I couldn't decide whether to have milk or not one day at school (before milk snatching Thatcher got her way) the teacher was pressuring me to decide quickly and I couldn't. I have learned how to get better at it over the years.

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