Going to keep this thread now!

I feel really sad. Tearful. Flat. Body still hurts.

It was too soon. Must have been.

I want to heal these wounds so much! I didn't think he'd be able to stay away this long. How wrong I was about how he felt. It really wasn't worth it, you know. A few moments of pleasure and excitement for feeling like this. What does that remind you of, eh?

How on earth do you un-foo k yourself? I've taken medication, therapy, read countless books, cried and catharted so many times. Still I feel unable to function much of the time. I'm sick of it! Sick!

Hey Miss down in the dumps , what have you done with Miss More positive from yesterday ?

Wouldn't it be great if we had a sort of " Restore point " as we do on a Computer , where we could press a button and everything was back to a point of our choosing and a time before something went wrong ?

Unfortunately for us Freda we just have to learn to deal with stuff that life throws at us and feeling down or sad is just a part of that healing process we all go through , it doesn't matter how long or short a relationship, to lose something you thought you had even if it turned out to be an illusion is bl.oody hard .

Don't bother trying to un-f**k yourself and don't worry about him , just go with the flow and allow the stream of life to take you to a better moment :)) .

xx

It's addiction just the same as gambling. Exactly the same.

I've been helped a lot by watching videos on You tube about attachment anxiety and love addiction. I get addicted to people who show me love and affection and I get a chemical brain hit from it, just like I did from gambling. I get very distressed when the supply is closed off just like I would if I was addicted to drugs and couldn't access them.

I need to be very, very wary of anyone who showers me with affection. I need to be very strict with boundaries and limit my exposure to them, until I have gradually adjusted to having more love and affection than usual. I need to maintain my independence and still do all the things I would have done when I was single. Not nash off my yoga class to see my boyfriend and so on. I need to take it very slowly with people and maybe even leave my mobile phone at home for a few hours a day to force me to maintain that separateness.

I've learned that social media apps where you can see that the person read your message, are bad for me. They trigger anxiety and also make it more likely I'll get drawn into "live" conversations rather than texting where you reply when you feel like it and are less connected and stay used to waiting for a reply. It is healthy to not know when you will get a reply. As long as the person replies within a timeframe that you don't find disrespectful or rude - like 2 days or whatever.

Today I am like an addict. Literally. I'm shaky and anxious. It is ridiculous! However, although I am shaky and anxious, I have switched off the internet on my phone and am not keeping it next to me. Just checking for texts every hour or so - just in case a family member has an emergency, for example. It's unlikely he would text me so this still feels like I am being strong and switching off communication with him.

It has been scary to realise that I have this attachment pattern. It has obviously become worse since my husband left me because I had finally become fairly secure in that attachment. I say fairly, because there was still a small part of me that believed I may be abandoned and rejected - and that this would also be in quite an unpredictable way. This is what eventually happened, so it made that wound, that fear, deeper.

I don't like this realisation because it means I have to be alone for quite some time yet, most likely, to chip away at this bit by bit.

Feel the feelings and accept them Hun. Attachment is something i am dealing with also. However for me to get attached i need a strong emotional connection. I feel safe here with him because i didn't open up fully and barrier is still intact & i don't feel like my day or feelings depends on him.
I know the "joy" of being rejected. ..however not everyone will hun and the ones who really cares about you will accept you the way you are.
Chasing and people pleasing is one of the negatives of attachments. I cut those off even if it's very hard some days (none of us are perfect and i broke my own promise not so long ago).
Rushing into things are addiction traits also. We have no patience...want more & now. It's like never enough huh.

I am pleased to see you aknowledging your feelings. Keep riding the storm out, it will get better. ..i guess we all have been given a map in this world..Sometimes it takes time to find the way forward but the destiny knows what it has lined up for us ☺. Believe in miracles - they do happen!

& now...just so you maybe raise a smile...i was in stiches when a good cyber friend of mine commented about me "packing" my fella away the other weekend...like an IKEA man huh LOL LOL..try to find that stage where you can pick him up and leave him..better for your own wellbeing and peace of mind.

Stay strong, good things awaiting for you just round the corner..believe this crazy Coo Coo 😉

Love & hugs ((((f))))) xxxx

Ps. What about a gratitude list? ☺..been a while & there is soooooo much to be greatful for today xx

You know I believe that " Social Media " is a massive part of peoples anxiety's these day's and thankfully for myself apart from here I very rarely comunicate other than face to face or the occasional txt .

As you said you sit anxiously waiting for a reply and feel let down or upset when someone doesn't immediately respond and that can trigger all sorts of feelings , especially if your already feeling a little anxious .

As I said yesterday beware of those that shower you with too much too soon and learn from the experience , your not the first to fall like this and you most certainly won't be the last and even what we crave for most from life has to be taken slowly. Have you thought of taking back ownership of what's happening by making it your decision to sever the connection with this man ? just a thought but by deleting his number your no longer affected by waiting for him to respond as it's your choice not his ? .

I'm not trying to tell you what to do Freda but if this is going to be all a little one sided by being about him that's unfair as you should be thinking about you :))

Hey , whatever you decide to do will feel better in time :)) x

Thanks guys. I haven't hurt this much in ages. Well, since the last break up. Pattern forming, eh?

Yes, showering someone with affection is a sign of neediness, just a different method of getting what you need. It only fails to scare off......you've guessed it - another needy person! So, in a way, he is self-harming with his behaviour as much as I am.

I do get what you're saying, Alan. I'm doing a mini version of that, which is switching my phone off for a few hours at a time and keeping the internet switched off. It is like trying to fight cravings/gambling urges. Literally the same, so I checked just now, after leaving it off for a few hours. My mother is the only one who would worry if I didn't reply so I've told her my phone is on the blink and to use the landline in an emergency. I hope I find the strength to leave it switched off until the morning. That would feel very empowering and strong.

I haven't written this person off, yet. He is a wonderful person, just has behaviours that can trigger addiction in me. I think he can stick to boundaries once there has been some space between us to arrest the addicted feelings I'm having. I am very wary, though. In a weird way, I want to see him again once the feelings of "need" have abated. I think this would be very healing for me and here's why: I have a feeling there is no special connection between us at all. As I said, I'm missing his attention and positive reinforcement rather than his company. His company is lovely enough but nothing special. The physical attraction is the same. Not THAT strong. Stronger when he's telling me how beautiful I am... It would be good for me to see him as he really is. Without the goggles of addiction on. He's just a lovely soul and I want to "close" this with him properly at some point. Where we can both understand everything fully. Leaving no unanswered questions. I want him to understand how his behaviour stimulated addiction in me. Not to hand blame to him, there is no blame, just insight.

He is insecure and unsure of himself also and I would like to offer this closure for his own good, too. He got messed up by a narcissistic girlfriend, is almost as damaged as me. Only difference is, the source of my imbalance, my insecurity, is rooted in childhood, so literally knocks me off my feet when it causes me pain. It's more debilitating but it's not a competition - pain is pain. My last boyfriend wanted to "save" me and I became dependent on him. Again, a different kind of unhealthy love. Just as damaging to me, nonetheless. Once I got away and weaned off the addiction, insight broke the spell. I no longer wanted him. I continued to have s ex with him for a while but I genuinely didn't attach to him again. When he tried to see me regularly, I knew this would hurt me, so I'd ignore him. He was just some dysfunctional little man in the end. He has tried to reconnect with me but I ignore him now.

I've rambled on here but the point is, my last ex couldn't be told. He will continue to repeat the same destructive patterns. He was offered insight but was an addict too and hadn't done the recovery work. I think this current one can integrate and change. We'll see.... I do hear an addicts voice talking in some respects (mine) maybe this is denial, who knows. He is much more sensible, though. He has taken the healthy space we both need rather than contacting me. I will walk away if excessive contact is struck up again. I now understand how dangerous it is for my wellbeing. I've got new insight.

I used to think the danger was anyone being too caring toward me, too eager to "look after me", have me dependent on them. Because he was not like this, I didn't know there was still a danger. I get that it is a more global sense of being showered with any form of positive attention, now. Although this has been a very painful experience, it is also exciting. To understand I'm co-dependency prone. To understand my triggers. Pain is positive if we learn and grow from it.

I've switched my phone off until morning now. Promise to myself 🙂 I know how addiction works - I'm through the worst of it. Will feel easier soon 🙂

I did it!

Genuinely woke up earlier than expected - I usually use my mobile phone to tell me when it's time to get up, haha. Didn't spring out of bed and run to my phone, lay and stroked the cat (not a euphemism) for a while, when I switched it on and got the little 'bleep bloop' I waited 5 minutes before checking it. He'd been in touch last night. I replied, then switched it back off.

I've given myself 12 hours as a target before checking again. I did get a surge of anxiety when I reconnected but it has passed now.

Last night I had a couple of beers at home and sang my favourite songs and my soul came alive. I felt joy! I reconnected to myself and my own wellspring of joy very quickly. I felt such reverent gratitude for the lesson I learned with this man. I don't mind if it hurts, if it also heals. He brought me a greater awareness of my vulnerabilities.

I meditated for the first time in ages yesterday 🙂

Today, I am grateful for:

1) A hot shower and clean hair.

2) A calmer body.

3) Great friends

4) Weight loss. At least the upset put me off my food for a few days, lol.

5) Spelt pasta - I love pasta sooo much but wheat pasta was really swelling my stomach.

6) Early summer temperatures. More comfortable!

7) A beautiful park just around the corner.

8) Vegan sunscreen.

9) Meditation.

10) Music.

Yereehhhhaaaahhh!!! what can i say!!

That's My Girl!

#thumbs up

https://youtu.be/sY3rIlrTTh8

How did you know? ....

A witch? 😉

I will be running all my life Hun..from what..who knows...i just like to keep running from myself and reality.

Hope your day been a good one!
Mine was ....uhhhhh...very stressful and emotional.

Firstly spoken to ex class mate (bully) and we had an amazing catch up first time in 12yrs...he is ok...i am too now..

Then our lad Dan from here with few bits & bobs...nice to hear from you man!

Then i had a shock of my life..still recovering but it was/is a shock.
A man who dragged me on the floor by the hair, kicked me, held me down to the concrete and stamped on my head so i can't move, "offering" his d*ick in my mouth while one of the closest people just stood there in shock, not able to defend cause was scared....has rang me to ask for help?!....help to get him bk to life because he is dying...emotionally. ..Now..i have never thought of hearing this from him..Firstly men are strong and hardly goes down on their knees begging for forgiveness huh...secondly it's HIM. but here we go...crying, begging, promising for a change. ..what is it to do with me? f***l to be honest...people concerned has made their choice so i have no say in that...netherless..it shocked me..a man completely destroyed..asking for help...all i could offer was NA and support from the group plus some counselling...& definitely strength to keep holding on as life goes on.....ya know what entered my mind?.. - Karma...simple as..it does exist..

Man..shouldn't write on ur diary huh lol..but..i may prefer to let mine drift away...the time has come ☺

Sorry girl..you shouldn't listen to this...after all ..it's ok, it's just life and we all have one or other thing to think through.

I miss my bestie who always listens and offers advice...however, sometimes we need to learn to deal with life ourselves...

No gambling...hope you're staying safe & calm too.....

Take care f

S x

Morning 🙂

Bizarre that you had a similar experience to me! I mean, good grief! My ex contacted me yesterday. He has not been physically abusive but emotionally he was. He is a dangerous character in the sense that he will latch onto your side forever if you show him any warmth. If someone is committed to making good and healthy choices for themselves ie - not "my" good, in a judgemental way, just what will help them get better and put their lives in order, I can be in touch with them. I cannot handle the extent of this mans problems. It was interesting that I learned about co-dependency yesterday and then he pops up. I am not responsible for him or his safety. Of course I feel that co-dependent string being pulled at. I told him I was not well enough to cope with hearing his problems when he told me he was receiving death threats in the post. Still he contacted me telling me more distressing things that had since happened. I have told him he needs professional help. It frightens me what else he might tell me. I should perhaps change my phone number again. He can get to me in other ways, though.

I cannot believe you've experienced such trauma and are still able to function! Wow. Such amazing strength!

I'm going for a 1-2-1 healing session with a friend later. I want to heal this co-dependency. It causes me such distress.

Realising the pressure I've been carrying all my life is huge. It feels overwhelming, although I know it won't overwhelm me.

Just expressing what I need to. It feels like I'm doing a massive s h eet after being constipated! lol. This is what happens when we break pieces off in massive chunks.

I'm playing with the two fundamental facts that co-dependency hinges on, in my mind. That I am not responsible for anyone else and that I am good enough. Scary and painful to know I have to accept these two things. I feel a huge swell of compassion for myself today. For the pain I'm feeling and will likely feel when coming to terms with this.

My ex husband just texted to say our pet rabbit has passed away this morning. Funny how life brings things straight to our feet to test what we have just realised. I can imagine how he is feeling and gave my sympathy and support by reminding him what great care he took of her. That's all I need to do. He is capable of working through this himself. I don't have to take care of him.

Massive lessons in letting go and accepting what I can't control. Sometimes I avoid certain diaries or subjects on certain diaries because I find it hard to accept that I can't make it better.

There was a diary on here a while ago where the person never really took on board any advice or help. Every day or two would be the first day of recovery for this person. I so badly wanted for him to help himself but couldn't read his diary at times because it was upsetting to see the self-destruction. I couldn't get through to him, had no control and that was frightening to me. I think people in this state need boundaries. Give them no energy if they have not taken any steps to help themselves. I guess it's often called tough love but I think it's the kindest, truest love there is.

Just for today, I will not escape into any excessive escapism. I will be kind to myself. I will eat good food but not overeat, I will get dressed and go out and do what I can manage - whether this is sitting in the back yard for 5 minutes or a long, brisk walk. I will remind myself how strong I am, how much I am doing to help myself, how resilient I am, how it is always OK, I am always OK, no matter how much pain I move through.

I can be honest about how much pain I am feeling but expect nothing from others. If they offer and it helps, great. I sometimes feel like this forum can reinforce co-dependency. Making us feel good about ourselves when we say something that helps someone. If I ever find myself worrying about someone, I move away from their diary - simply because it is not my job to look after them.

Thanks, Maybenow. I understand and thanks for sharing that. It is beautiful.

I am heartbroken. Truly heartaching emotion today.