Going to keep this thread now!

Very fragile today but better than yesterday.

I discovered a trauma releasing method recently and I'm going to do that shortly. Doesn't bring emotion up, just releases stored muscle tensions from trauma.

I've had a shower, eaten something nutritious and been gentle with myself. It really is all you can do.

Gratitude. Today I am grateful for:

1) The communication boyfriend and I had last night. We just shared how we felt and why we'd done the things we'd done. I felt less alienated and more trusting of him. He does care and value me. I think we need to just be mates for a while, we're going to talk face to face probably this weekend.

2) The support boyfriend gave me last night when I felt scared. There's a reason I'm referring to him as "boyfriend" although we've split up - my ex, the one right before him, contacted me sounding really upset and distressed. He doesn't respect my boundaries and this really scares me. He has REALLY bad problems. Worse than almost anyone I know. He doesn't make good choices though and his problems are too intense for me. I still have a tendency to worry about people and "carry" their problems around. I've told him this and he still tells me them. So, I can't be in his life. He has a history of harassing exes for years. Making contact when they've asked him not to. For all of these reasons I felt scared last night and boyfriend was there for me. I'm grateful for that support.

3) My driving instructor's flexibility. He didn't mind when I asked to push my lesson back a couple of days - I just need to relax and heal.

4) The support of my wonderful friends.

5) The recent insights into triggers. Good to know more about how to keep myself safe and well.

6) My cat. She loves me and it feels good.

7) My ex husband. One of my dearest friends. My family, even. I'm blessed to still be good mates with the person who knows me best and still loves and accepts me.

8) My courage. I posted a video to Facebook yesterday. A vulnerable one. It felt empowering.

9) My bravery with distress yesterday. I trusted myself that I could handle some intense distress and so expressed a lot. It was good for me.

10) My progress. I'm grateful for the progress I've made.

He doesn't want to get back together with me. I'm glad I got him to say it. He's skirted round the issue for days.

I can't believe that showing insecurity once, early on, was enough to do it. He can't have liked me that much to start with. I don't want someone who won't let me make a mistake. I really believed he was going to come round.

It feels like my judgement doesn't work anymore. I'm really shocked that that's it.

My diary isn't half getting a bashing this week, isn't it!

So, got him to admit late last night that he didn't want to get back together with me. In some ways, it might seem a bit crackers that I'm giving such a short relationship so much of my energy and time. I don't think so, though. Pain is always there for a reason. Of course I could switch off from it, distract myself and get on with something else - but would I really learn the lesson deeply?

I'm done with running away from my emotions. We became quite close, quite quickly and went quite "deep" if you know what I mean. You know why I'm grateful to go out with people who will answer my questions when we break up? Because it heals. It takes away the illusions we construct in our heads about how "bad" or "wrong" the other person is.

Today, when I find myself retreating into "he didn't even value me" "how fake was he?" I can remind myself that he does understand that I have value. He spoke to me on the phone for an hour the other night, he still returns my messages, he says he misses me and initiates contact of his own accord. So, I can't retreat into the safe lie of "he just doesn't see my value". It's easy to come to terms with this. It's unreasonable. It's unreasonable to write someone off after one mistake. This isn't it, though. This isn't true - he does see my value. So what did happen?

I can't speak from his side, other than to say he has been very hurt in the past and simply can't cope with more hurt right now. I think that's more or less the top and bottom of it. The details, only he will know.

So, rather than obsess over what's going on with him - which is very tempting, it's the instintive thing to do, for most people - I need to ask myself "Why does this hurt so much?" This is why I'm crying and feeling vulnerable. This is why the pain is still here. I want to face what I'm really feeling, rather than project it onto someone else.

OK, deep breath - time to face some uncomfortable truths and take responsibility for them:

1) Through my eyes, his desirability went down when he was not praising me, validating me. This is when I started to see his flaws and notice conversations were starting to dry up and we had filled in a lot of the time flirting with one another, or having s*x.

- So, he was not a high source of genuine connection and compatibility, he was an unreliable, external source of validation.

2) I put a lot of energy into pleasing him. I actually had s*x with him once when I didn't want to. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't forced, I remember saying in my head "I don't want to" but ignoring that and pretending that I did. I ended up enjoying it somewhat, but I basically ignored myself to please him. To avoid saying 'no' to someone.

- I still hold the fear, I wouldn't call it a belief but a fear, that people won't want me if I say 'no'. If I don't please them. This has happened in the past and I internalised it. Instead of realising they just wanted what they wanted. They didn't want me , they wanted what I could give them. It wasn't about me, they would have rejected anyone else who didn't give them what they wanted. The truth at the heart of this is I'm not being my true, authentic self in relationships and I don't think this is force of habit, I think it's fear that I'm not good enough just as I am.

3) I knew it was early days, that I'd been very hurt and needed to safeguard my wellbeing and the progress I'd made but I still put myself in vulnerable positions. I still put other people's needs before my own. Not always - I'm better at saying 'no' to friends, in relationships, I ignore my own needs.

- when I ignore my own needs, I don't life my OWN life fully. I put my energy into other people to get validation back.

4) Pleasing people hurts me.

- when I feel I need someone else's approval, if I don't get it, I hurt. I place my happiness in their hands. I give away all of my own power. Because I am in a relatively low power position at the moment, on lots of medication for depression and relying on government financial support, I cannot afford to give away any of my power.

I like myself, I don't yet love myself. I thought I did but actions speak louder than words.

5) I don't believe that anyone will see my worth or value. I don't trust people to. I settle for less than that and it makes me more unhappy than being alone.

These are the things to focus on, not on what some man I knew for a month, feels or thinks of me. I'm grateful for these lessons, however painful.

What a difference a day makes! I've still experienced some anxiety but very mild in comparison to yesterday.

The most recent ex continues to blow my mind with how unbothered he seems. Not even sure if he was sincere about staying friends, now. The anger and hurt have started to cool into indignance and sadness.

So many lessons learned this week. What a rollercoaster!

The lessons continue to deepen. I'm excited about how this will improve my ability to look after myself and be healthy and happy.

I never learned to check in with myself and "what do I need?" "how do I feel about this?" "is this good for me?"

Learning to do this more and more 🙂

Last night was with friends and very tired. One shows up and is hyper. Keeps saying funny things every two seconds, so is polite to keep laughing etc. BUT... I notice that doing this is making me anxious. I don't have the energy to spare at that moment. SO, instead of humouring her, I just go quiet and relax. Couple of times people ask if I'm OK and I say yes, I'm just tired. Putting me first for a change without being rude or hurting anyone.

Today I am grateful for:

1) Dance. I've just had a right good dance and felt free.

2) Song. I'm singing and it feels great!

3) Sunshine. I'm off out shortly for some exercise.

4) My mobility. I'm grateful that I can simply move my body around as I wish.

5) Self-respect. I'm learning to love myself and put my own needs first.

6) The lessons I'm learning. They blow my mind and make me feel so filled with love, wonder and purpose.

7) The amazing souls I know and love.

8) My resilience. I am strong.

9) A chance to pray, cry, hug and wish for peace with my community yesterday.

10) A peaceful sleep last night.

Yay girl!!!

Love love your gratitude lists!

I was singing yesterday...lol.. just something so peaceful and calm took over me...even if only for a few minutes ☺...appreciating those moments.

Look after yourself, tipu tapu 😉

B&S xx

Ps. ..would you consider email swaps? Understand if not and your privacy is important.

Thanks, HS - have replied on your thread x x

Had a 1-2-1 appointment with a friend of mine who does sound healing, yesterday. I was hoping to get some repressed anger and fear out. I didn't really feel any strong emotion but did have a good writhe about and moan and yell. It's very therapeutic. First time in a long time I've been quite uninhibited, I think. Felt very freeing and relaxed afterward.

Today I feel a lot of emotion sitting just right on the edge of my awareness. It's hard to work with it - I don't know how to draw it out and release it. Feels like it could explode out given the right situation/trigger but this does make me wary, as I have to go to work later. There is lots about that place that peeshes me off and could ignite this touch paper. I'm even thinking of self-medicating with prescription drugs! Just this one shift to do then I will be off work for 12 weeks - woohoo!

I'm feeling grateful that I managed to hold onto my job 1 day a week because it has kept me in work and my cv in order should I feel I want to start somewhere else.It has given me the time I needed.

Hi Freda

Sorry for the delay in replying. Good to see you in high spirits and hope you will make the most out of upcoming holiday ☺

I didn't write email in more than half a year and to be honest am not balanced out with communication (or my thoughts) and also i truly don't know what good i could offer you

Let's keep the communication on these pages for now but if you want to swap emails i would agree...just email forum admin with request .

Hugs hun..look after yourself xx

Hi Freda,

Thanks for the post ☺

Yup, i just learned that most of addictions are tied up with Codependancy in one way or another.
Don't like to label myself but this is answer to my behaviour i relate the most...this is my root problem i ignored for far too long. CoDA has opened my eyes and even if recovery is 12 step based (I'm not big fan of those) there is hardly any way forward to be honest so i will give it a try again.

Realisation kicked in when i lost another close friendship. I had to look at me and understand why they always become toxic. By bad and my behaviour that's why i am indeed working on it ☺

One step at a time!

Hope you have a good weekend!

*#envy your one day a week job tho 😉 *

S x

Thanks, S x x I'd much rather be emotionally capable of being around humans in a job 35 hrs a week! It's not nice depending on the government.

Today, I am truly grateful for:

1) A night at the cinema, being able to watch the whole film. I used to have to almost always leave due to anxiety.

2) My boyfriend putting his arm around me and holding my hand when the film got scary and nail-biting. It is great to have support.

3) My boyfriend cooking dinner for me, last night. It was yummy!

4) Making progress in my fitness. It is great to become fitter! I can get places real fast by running 😀

5) I stroked a lot of lovely dogs today. It made me feel happy!

6) My friend came round to play my favourite game, today. I loved it!

7) I loved going to the rescue and giving a love to loads of the cats.

8) I started an online fundraiser to help repair the local mosque after it got vandalised during Ramadan. I has so far raised £363! I love to help people and encourage unity.

9) I made my 12th loan today to someone in poverty - to help them to grow their business. It feels great!

10) My rescue cat is really happy. Hooray!

Ugh! Bad day, yesterday.

Had a bad panic attack after attending a baby shower. Just too much going on, for me. Noise, movement, people I didn't know. I wanted to be looked after, held. I felt vulnerable, like a child.

I enjoyed the company of everyone who was there, just felt too shy that day. I wanted to hide.

Left me feeling tense and agitated all night but too exhausted to do anything about it. Today I feel tired, my body is sore, I'm tearful. I need to do my trauma release exercises but am waiting for a work person to call round and look at the dishwasher, which has broken.

All of this wet, rainy weather has reminded me of Autumn. I always find Autumn difficult. Getting colder, darker, everything dying away. Less energy, being forced back indoors more. Autumn means Christmas is also on the horizon and I find it very difficult to manage my mood at Xmas. I just want it to go away. It puts my life on hold, makes me have to lie and pretend to be happy.Oh, I'm just rambling but it's helping. It's started tears flowing. They're needed, I think. I have these periodic times where I let out sadness and pain, fear, frustration - then feel lighter, more relaxed, able to move forward once more.

I feel angry. Feel that I want to shout. Help me! That's what I want to shout. I want to feel safe! I want to feel like everything is going to be alright.

I'm sick of some things, too.I'm sick of social anxiety. Really f******g SICK of it. I'm sick of not feeling able to work and deal with difficult people. I want to tell them off. I want to shout in their face. I'm sick of feeling scared. I'm sick of low energy, sore throats, aching muscles, sore joints. I'm sick of finding it hard to lose weight and control my body a bit more. I'm sick of having a belly that sticks out, I'm also sick of sucking my belly in. I'm sick of feeling not good enough inside this body. Feeling bloated, flabby, unhealthy, tired. I'm sick of not having safe, encouraging, supportive family to hold me, to reassure me, to comfort me. I'm sick of damp. I hate damp. It somehow signifies despair, for me. Threat, danger, rotting, decaying.

I've gotten a lot out, there! Had a good cry. Will hopefully feel tided over until repair person comes and goes.

Ugh!

Hi Freda,

Ouch...some painful emotions there hun 🙁

Hope you have had a better day yesterday! You told me to sit with my feelings the other day, so i did...and it did help ☺. I hope you used your own advice and reaped the benefits of such mindful act.

Every day is different, every road we step on is a new scary territory, every decision we make is something new for us. This is life Hun! Embrace what it gives, learn, aknowledge, accept or chuck out what is not helpful.

That's how we roll as we MUST put ourselves first.

Look after yourself and be nice to that spirit of yours ☺

Day at a time..

B& S xx

Thanks, S x x Yep, they do indeed pass!

Grateful for so many things today!

1) I'm grateful for the really lovely massage my fella gave me yesterday.

2) I'm grateful for all of the affection I get from my boyfriend and my cat.

3) I'm grateful to have gotten some cheap damp absorbers in town today, as my bedroom has been a bit smelly and damp.

4) I'm grateful for the £453 I raised for a mosque after it was vandalised by hate crime.

5) I'm grateful for the Reiki I gave a friend today. It was an honour to channel again.

6) I'm grateful for feeling relaxed and calmer tonight.

7) I'm grateful for the nutritious, healthy food I've cooked and enjoyed today.

8) I'm grateful for the blood test results I got that show I'm healthy.

9) I'm grateful for the Reiki I gave myself earlier. It was lovely.

10) I'm grateful for the energy to clean and tidy my flat. It feels nice.

Hi Freda . Glad you've had a good day . You got me thinking of my own life : If I'd just been grateful and appreciated what I had been given it would have been a lot of fun . Sadly I always seemed more intent on the things I couldn't​ have !

If theirs any Five Rhythm Dancing in your area you might like it . It's a dancing meditation , lot of fun and quite liberating

Wishing you well ....... stephen