Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Hun...
Sorry to hear this...but on the same note,there is a chance for you to find someone better huh ☺

Plenty of fish in the sea as they say!

Chin up and be kind to yourself. You cannot change others but you can certainly change your reactions to situations. Don't let bad emotions grind you down! You are worth more than this

S x

Thanks, S xx

I am starting to wonder if I may have a personality disorder. I certainly have an anxious attachment style and find it very distressing if someone becomes aloof and withdraws. I felt this happening with my bf and it made me really angry - because I was really scared.

I really need to start expressing my anger more because I believe I have so much anger repressed from childhood that it's debilitatiing to get angry at all in the here and now. I honestly have massive panic attacks and the generalised anxiety disorder fires up. All from getting angry about sdomething not that bad.

It doesn't happen over very small things, like someone forgetting to text me back or pushing in front of me in a queue. I just get the normal mild irritation and slight hackles rising. Anything medium though - which is still upsetting, but let's face it, isn't the end of the world - I can go into meltdown. Shaking, tensed up all over, angry, no appetite, nervous poo's - the lot.

So..... today's anger is toward my landlords. I just spoke to the agency who are just the messengers for the millionaire landlords. They are very pushy, bordering on aggressive when they want something. They sent my new tenancy agreement out 2 months early and are asking me to send it back. This pees me off because I have every right to wait until it is due. They have obviously been told to pressure tenants by the multi-millionaire landlords. It still makes me feel angry that they are being so pushy and I have to assert myself very strongly, which I feel nervous about.

So, they are pressuring me to sign the new tenancy - but saying that the landlord doesn't like paying to fix dishwashers - mine has just broken - because it's an expensive overhead!!!! Cheeky bar stewards! What I pay is not good value for money and the property is not maintained all that well. I am playing hardball and told the maintenance person to tell the landlord I don't think I'm getting very good value for money for this flat, if it no longer has a dishwasher.

It makes me very angry when landlords are so miserly when they are making a fortune out of their tenants! I want to kick the posh twit in the shins and tell him/her off for taking the peesh!

I hope they don't call my bluff because I did want to stay put for another 6 months, if possible, even though there are some problems with the tenants and the building itself. Thing is, they know it's cheaper for me to pay for it out of my own pocket than to pay for removals to move elsewhere. I hate landlords holding all of the cards, the utter t weets!

I do wish we could swear on our own diaries. When I'm venting my anger, tweets isn't quite as cathartic as the real word...

Mind you, when I'm absolutely raging, I type the real words anyway cos I need to be THAT angry even though I know it'll just come up as stars. I kind of want people to know what words I am using when I'm raging!

Ex-boyfriend and I have texted and made our peace, of sorts. I was bang out of order and got very abusive. I called him an abuser and a sick f ook. He isn't at all but I was so angry I said some nasty things. It's my rage coming out. I am sad to take it out on such a lovely man, though. At the end of the day, he is just a bit flighty and flaky because he has been badly hurt. That just presses on all of my insecurity wounds though. When it's really painful, sometimes anger is easier to feel than the fear underneath it.

Anyway, he forgives me for the tirade. I guess he's known me a few months and knows it's not me. He's been really sweet, actually. He'd still be up for staying friends but I'd keep trying to make him love me. Well, my anxious inner child would. That's the part of me that is so fearful and enraged.

Get ready for quite an angry diary from me, over the coming weeks, as it really does seem to release something. I feel better after ranting.

Was tempted to buy l otto tickets today but knew it was my emotions driving the urge, so resisted. I do still buy them as my addiction was always for quick hits, not waiting 3 days for the next draw. I know a lot of people still think it's a bad idea and complete abstinence should be the way. They are probably right for themselves but I have to say, it hasn't escalated ie - buying more and more lines/more frequently, I've been doing this for a couple of years and I've only had one relapse which was one isolated incident of gambling. It was a pretty tame one by my old standards and I didn't chase or gamble again - and it has been 6 months or more, now.

Just describing things to show that I have monitored this over a fairly long period of time. I can't be bothered engaging in any "you're in denial" conversations. I understand they come from a well-meaning place, but I've been over it many times before.

Anyway, no gambling to report. I'm very "inflamed" and anxious/agitated today but it's to be expected. Feel really scared when I think I'm not going to see my boyfriend any more. I suppose it hasn't sunk in yet.

Sounds like a move could be an option?... forget the dishwasher thats an irrelevance a deflection from all the other stuff. managing emotions not easy is it? 😉 I just get depressed and go to bed. Your not gambling all your money away. Thats a good thing. 🙂

It isn't easy SA but I'm convinced that feeling my emotions - especially anger - rather than sinking into depression will heal me. I've done the work on myself in general, I will still "drop the ball" occasionally, I'm human. It's the amount of repressed anger that has made life unmanageable. Most jobs I've done are in customer service of some sort and the rage I feel at times when people talk to me like sh eet is debilitating and I can't function. I reckon it's normal to feel angry when that happens but not rage so intense you have a panic attack and can't function for the rest of the day.

I'm a big pragmatist. I will probably pay for the dishwasher myself if it comes to it. It's not right but it's actually what's better for me, ultimately. It's just bad karma for the landlords but I can let it go, knowing I put myself first. I'm not going to make them stop being greedy, capitalist tweets but I can let it go and focus on building my own power so that one day I won't need to be in this position.

Well, the intense feelings have subsided a lot, which is good. I am doing some sound therapy and yoga tonight, so the torrent may rise up and flow out once more.

I don't feel embarassed of this anger any more, although I don't like the feeling of being judged, so I keep it quiet, telling only those I trust.Some people equate anger with being a bad person. For me, it's what you do with it. Occasionally, it will get away from me and I'll take it out on someone but I apologise and take responsibility.

Ex forgives me, which is nice. I was watching a video about attachment trauma and anxiety and it said to remind yourself when you're craving that person that it's not the person you crave, it's the feeling of connection. Going to be gentle with myself today and give lots of self-love.

Today, I'm most grateful forrrrr:

1) My legs which carry me all over the place 😀 thank you, legs!

2) Being fit enough to interval run. Thank you body, for your strength!

3) Dry weather. Thank you earth, for warm, dry air on my skin this morning.

4) My cat. She loves me, she's kind of a big deal. Thank you, Ivy!

5) My ability to feel love. Thank you, heart centre for hosting this most beautiful energy.

6) Vegan cake. Thank you, recipe inventors, you've made my mouth so happy over the past 18 months 😀

7) An oven. Thank you, universe for providing me with an oven to create cake.

8) Coffee. It tastes great and helps me P**P! Thank you, coffee for enhancing my life.

9) Friends. Thank you weird and wonderful friends for holding "extra Christmas" this afternoon. It is wonderful to be silly.

10) Resilience. Thank you, self, for feeling then healing. I'm so grateful for your resilience.

I feel angry and scared today.

I know the reason for these feelings is irrational but I feel them anyway and don't mind admitting I get insecure and don't always think rationally.

I feel angry that I can't make my ex-boyfriend want me or feel worse that he's lost me. I know that sounds really manipulative, I guess it is but I feel insecure that he is fine. I don't want him to suffer, logically, I want him to be happy but I thought he had more feelings for me than he seems to. I suppose I can't accept it's over and want him to want to try and win me back. When I suggested breaking up, I really didn't want to break up, I just wanted to be shown more affection and attention. I know it's not reasonable to expect people to change or to get angry when they won't. I think it just scares me that I thought he wanted me more than he did and that makes me feel vulnerable, like I'm easily deluded or fooled.

In a strange situation that has been co-occurring alongside this, my driving instructor kept palming me off not arranging further lessons with me. I feel paranoid that he thinks I'm a terrible driver and just wants rid of me. He was a bit strange, anyway, in that he would tell me that other instructors he knows get rid of students that make certain mistakes as they can't be bothered with it, or it takes a toll on the car. It makes me feel paranoid that he wanted to get rid of me so was trying to put me off.

I suppose it's another form of rejection. Feeling big "reject" feelings today. As though I have a stamp on my forehead or something.

I'm also really depressed after drinking too much alcohol yesterday. It has heightened my low feelings and I've been curled up on the sofa all afternoon, crying and eating rubbish.

It's only about 2 and a half weeks since I lowered my anti depressant medication dose slightly. I do think I am doing well with the decrease, in general because I have more energy and feel a bit more alert. I'm not concerned at this point because I have had events recently to feel quite low about. It comes and goes, I'm not unable to function for more than a couple of days and it comes back from triggers. My trigger from ex-boyfriend was last night when he texted me. I'd felt a bit sad that he hadn't been in touch but managed to have a nice time with friends and forget about him for a few hours. I'd started to accept that he just wasn't that attached to me. Then he texted me at 10pm when I was quite drunk, saying "Hi. Hope you're alright" we had a text conversation where I shared that I was drunk and I ended up saying I wanted to cuddle him and kiss him on his head. He didn't reply after that. I texted this morning to say sorry and he said no need to apologise. I dangled the carrot and he didn't take it. He just doesn't want me. It's hard to accept.

I said I was hungover and depressed and he asked if there was anything he could do to help and offered to phone me. He does care, he just doesn't want me. It's a hard feeling for me, not being wanted.

Anyway, that's how I feel today. I still managed to get up, dressed, to my theory test on time and pass it. Not a totally wasted/negative day but feel terrible, emotionally. Felt quite tearful going into the test centre. The cat has been dead canny sitting with me all afternoon.

I just want to be loved and to enjoy it. I feel like even if someone did love me, I'd just spend all my time feeling terrified that they'd abandon me.

He really is full of s h eet. He is determined to come out of this looking like a nice guy. Do you know how? By SAYING "I'm here for you." I believed him, so reached out today. He is off work, by the way. "I just want to be hugged and comforted" No response. After 4 hours "I'm in so much pain" To which he responds "I'm sorry. Time will heal." I couldn't believe what I was reading. I felt so stupid.

I didn't even bother responding. Ten minutes later I get "you have to try to keep positive and in time things will get easier. I'm still here for you." This confused me because if he was there for me, wouldn't he have rang instead of texting when I showed distress. I had to poke the wound one last time. Just to be sure. "I need to be held." Nothing for twenty minutes. "I'm not going to beg you." I said and was done. He wants to be "there for me" and be my friend because he cares so much that I'm OK. When I ask him to be there for me and show distress, he just says some stuff and ends it with "I'm still here for you". No-one needs a friend like this. He doesn't give a s he et, he just wants to feel like he is a "good person". I'm not going to participate in maintaining that illusion for him any longer. He makes me feel physically sick. It's when people reach out to people like him that they commit suicide. When what they get back is the message "your distress doesn't matter". Disgusting. I wouldn't treat anyone like this. He replied "What are you saying?" I shouldn't have replied but I was angry and hurt. "I thought you meant it. My mistake." To which he just replies I can't come through tonight. I can tomorrow xx"

Thank you for finally revealing yourself. It's a knife through my heart that feels like it is going to kill me but I now know that I'm lucky to be rid of you.

I'm actually shaking. I feel scared to trust anyone anymore. I don't want to meet such ugly souls. I always felt like the reasons he gave didn't quite add up. Weren't quite convincing. I want to be shown wonderful people who restore my faith in humanity. I deserve much better. I feel jaded by this world.

Your ex isn't the best person to rely on for support, I guess. He did contact me today and ask how I was and if I wanted to meet up. He has been very decent with me. I just freak out when I'm that vulnerable and I reach out and someone shows a lack of urgency that I'm OK. I said I couldn't see him and wished him well on his travels.

It's the unhealthy attachment that we had. It has really messed with my head! We got close very quickly.

I suppose it's better that he didn't come to my rescue yesterday. I am a real mess when it comes to relationships.

I really miss my ex husband because he could hold me when I was hurting. I miss physical contact.

It's good that ex is on holiday for 3 weeks now. Space to break the attachment. I've been really fragile today. I need to be very careful before getting close to anyone in future.

I got myself out of the flat this evening. Took a walk up the road and couldn't believe the boost I got from smiling at an Indian family. There is currently a lot of racism in my city. For this reason, I always make a point of smiling at anyone from a minority - cautiously when it comes to men. The baby in the buggy squealed in delight and waved at me. It was so heartwarming. Made me smile.

I was just going through the motions when I went outside. Performing a behaviour because I knew it was good for me, even though I didn't want to.

We never know when our day might be brightened.

Hi Freda... I take the view that we are all one consciousness and that the differences between us are all but superficial and meaningless. We are all here on earth having an experience in flesh and blood. Your now ex-boyfriend was probably just overwhelmed with your emotional state. I sense he wanted to do the right thing but it was all too much for him. Unless you are well grounded and secure in yourself its very hard to be able to support others in any meaningful way. Just my thoughts at this moment in time

Take care... S.A

I agree. Just going through a lot of pain.

When we were together, I was happy the majority of the time around him. He withheld a lot of affection and the experience was largely reminiscent of addiction. Lots of reinforcement at the start, then constantly trying to figure out how to "win" again.

Thankfully, I quite quickly got to the point where I realised there wasn't a lot in it for me and I walked away. I am suffering withdrawal at the moment.

When I think back to our time spent together, his company wasn't actually that amazing. It was always the acts of affection and moments of connection that I enjoyed most.

He was not right for me. I miss access to safe and regular hugs and attention. That's it summed up.

Today, I'm in pain but will try to move my body more. I'm going to make a conscious effort to halt when I think of him, pause the story I start telling in my mind and just focus on the feelings. Allow the pain to be fully present, then let it go. It's a sunny morning, which helps massively as it doesn't matter if I cry. I can wear sunglasses.

Today, I will feel my pain instead of gambling.

Hi Freda,

Sorry to see you in pain. Hope you're feeling a little better by now and are looking ahead.
I understand the need of care and "bond". I am similar but don't need this in physical manner..more emotional. I'm not touchie person but i guess i understand a lot of what you're saying...sending you a hug while I'm blabbing about it 😉 ((((((f)))))) xx

Am attending GA meetings. Alcohol i can survive with so no AA meetings present, CoDA i haven't attended yet but the attachment issues i only just freshly found out so am new at this malarkey and trying to figure it all out myself to start with. I'm also used to rejection so guess will survive another day ☺.
Gambling on the other hand did massive damage so i shall tackle it first!

Off for nearly 3 weeks now...what a bliss! Proper time with my baby girl....

Keep looking after yourself and never forget that you matter. People comes and people goes...only few stays and maybe THE ONE is just around the corner to fulfil your needs. Never give up on hope ☺

Tk care & cheers ;-))

B&S xx

Sorry your having such a torrid time Freda . Take care ... stephen x

Thanks, S and Stephen 🙂

I think underneath most of that pain was just not wanting to accept reality as it was. He was not right for me or able to give me what I wanted/needed and it was not something that was going to change. He had certain qualities that are quite rare and so it was frustrating.

I had a nice day, yesterday. Slowly getting back to my old self - minus the gambling!