Going to keep this thread now!

Felt a bit lost today. Took my friends dog to the beach, which she loved.

Feeling very tender this evening. Depression is dancing around the edges of my consciousness, prodding me occasionally and making me wince. I've washed up and put some laundry on. Cooking a meal for myself and I'm going to have a bath later.

It's hard when I feel like this because I feel fragile and could easily be triggered to spiral down. A friend from work messaged me saying we should catch up for a coffee. I like this friend but when she is depressed and I am also depressed at the same time, it compounds and makes me feel worse.

I want to be around people but don't know how I'll be from one day to the next and so I don't initiate plans with anyone. This keeps me isolated.

I'm not gambling, don't even want to play the l otto atm.

Freda.

I am so pleased that you have the courage to use the forum to put your thoughts out into the world, my last episode of depression led me to a place that I would never want to see another soul get to.

I have learnt that putting my emotions outside of my own head space helps me to work through my thoughts.

Please look after yourself, because you are worth it.

To end it's of equal testament to you that you haven't clouded your mind by letting addiction through the door, because I know that in dark times it will be itching to make it an opportunity to take control once again.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

Yes i really relate to your latest thoughts. I like being around people for a while but then I find myself starting to get irritable. I just want to go off and do my own thing. I guess addiction makes us selfish. Like your good self I find it hard to make plans because i don't know how i am going to be feeling that morning, that afternoon, that evening. This morning I woke up feeling depressed and scared after having woken in the night feeling depressed and scared. Writing on the forum is starting to life my mood I guess cos i feel like am doing something constructive. When i stop doing constructive things for any length of time then I am much more likely to gamble or do somthing else of a self destructive nature.

Take care... S.A 🙂

Thanks both 🙂

I am in a women's circle. We met tonight.

There are 12 of us remaining in the original 13 invited. Most don't prioritise it over "being busy"

I'm f******g sick of the glorification of busy. It is not big and clever to make yourself so busy that you have no time to connect with other humans. If this is your life you are deep in the spell. We are supposed to deeply connect to each other. It gives us strength and resilience.

I was deeply depressed today. Went to circle. Connected with 3 other women in the rawness of our pain and fear. Feel about 20 times better. Bosh.

Magic? No. Natural way of being human. We are not supposed to be running about, disconnected, alone.

Hi f,

Wasn't around diaries lately so am outta loop, before i know war could of started as i didn't follow any news or FB last 4 days...what circle are you talking about? Is it some kind of support group?

Good on you girl!! If you are feeling better, this is the right way to go about things!

Connection is good....but finding a healthy balance is v important. I have no boundaries here and that's why i don't think i will ever connect with anyone. Hurts too much in the end!

Bahhh...that's my positivity bk outta window...all's good, chicken in the oven, shed been bravery opened (in case is scary spider jumps out ☹)...lawn mower out....happy days!

Mummy may not get better but it's something i need to accept. She is very poorly and detoriating...but not much we can do, just be there for her, care for her and show love..

You keep taking it easy....just for today - be kind to yourself!

B&S xx

I'm angry. Really f ooooking angry. Angry with the inequality of power that I currently experience in my life.

I'm angry that my landlord is doing the wrong thing because they can. Refusing to fix an integrated dishwasher because they don't want to. They will have to pay to have it fixed or replaced when I move out, they can't re-let a flat with a broken dishwasher or a huge hole where the dishwasher used to be. They know I probably won't move out purely over a dishwasher so they're not doing it. They are greedy.

I'm angry that my ex wanted to receive love but not give it. He is doing his best as he sees it. He is prioritising making more money in a job that is draining him dry, over loving and being loved. I think that's the wrong priority but he is entitled to disagree. I choose self-love or reciprocity, nothing else.

I'm angry that I feel lonely. I don't mean being single or living alone but lonely that there aren't more people around me who "get it", who put connection and community first.

I'm angry that I don't yet have the conviction to not feel swayed by the input of others. It makes others dangerous, as I doubt myself when I connect with them.

I'm angry that I feel shame around expressing anger openly. That I've been raised to feel I cannot be angry and still be loved.

I'm angry that my body hurts today. I'm sick of it hurting.

I suppose that some might say this... "have no expectations of others..." and then you can't be disappointed.

Your right by the way.... us human beings were never meant to spend our time running around being disconnected and alone. Disconnection the route cause of addiction.

Take care... S.A 🙂

I long for a tribe. I really do.

I'm gradually becoming less disconnected. It takes time. I want to be around people who are committed to making self-loving choices and decisions. I am increasingly becoming one of those people. Some weeks I'm better at it than others.

I'm not gambling, I'm not medicating with tranquilisers, I'm not drinking alcohol. These are all positives.

Hi Freda,

Thanks for the post.
What am i avoiding feeling?...good question and i don't have answers here yet. I avoid feeling a lot of emotions.
I am still strangely mourning my collapsed friendship with my bestie and still find it very difficult.
...also journey back home...seeing aging parents, poorly Mummy...leaving my doggie for 5 days...all of this! Now i have a debt to worry about also.

Connection. I understand what you're saying here. We, human beings are not made to be on our own. We do need to talk/ feel/ connect.

I am glad you're making progress here ☺.

I don't want to go to my vollunteering today but i shall go. It's communication and hopefully other things to occupy my head. I am also taking nephew back round mine for a few days...i don't want that either as i feel deflated and crushed down...yet, i am sure we will have great time out and about...maybe it will help me to get through the initial pain..

I have exchanged few texts with my GA friends, got text from dear Duncs also, had an amazing walk in the forest, cooked, tidied up a little and feel a little more level headed. Have started reading the forum again...things i need to do to keep my mind occupied and not look back to the carnage i created.

Stay well girl...keep looking ahead xx

Thanks x x

I feel really lonely tonight. Really, really lonely. I very nearly contacted my ex tonight. Just desperately wanting to connect with someone. It feels painful. I am physicaly tired tonight, though. I kind of thought if I started writing about how I feel, it would make me face the emotion and sit with it, feeling it. I've distracted myself then it sort of won't come back.

I crave connection and intimacy. I want to be cuddled. I want to watch a movie cuddled up with someone.For now, I've just got the cat. She is very sweet, though. Bless her!

Feeling quite low today. Scared about the future.

I find humans really scary. I just want to feel I have a secure, safe base to explore the world from. I don't like feeling unable to work. Feels very vulnerable, particularly under this government.

I long for connection and love. To be accepted at my worst and most vulnerable, just as I am.

I have a Reiki client tomorrow. I feel a bit of a fraud when I'm like this. I have to pretend to be all love and light when really I feel like we are in a horrible nightmare that Reiki makes slightly less distressing. Only slightly, though.

I'm going to try and do some CBT exercises in a bit to deal with some of these thoughts.

Went to chat this afternoon. Was nice to e-talk to someone. I still feel very low though.

I baked a cake and washed up today. It's better than nothing.

I was talking about how I was in a pretty good place a few months ago. I was able to do most things I wanted to without anxiety and was starting to believe I could get better and stay better.

Having this episode of depression has dented my confidence. I feel set back.

My thoughts really scare me at the moment. Everything looks bleak. All I can remind myself of is that it passes and then I can't relate to this really bleak outlook anymore.

I also texted my ex boyfriend. Probably shouldn't have.

Just went onto the Gamblers Anonymous chat and wow, did the woman have a cold, hostile attitude!

I get that they do tough love and don't reward victim mentality and excuse-making but f ook me! It was like talking to an unhelpful government official. Weirdly, it kind of snapped me out of feeling so low and anxious. Every cloud!

I don't respond well to coldness when I'm vulnerable and asking for help. I do wonder how many people are put off meetings by the attitude of some moderators.

There was a Gamcare moderator years ago who was very cold and abrupt. Can't remember the name, it was a male, virtually no-one reacted well to it. He didn't seem to have much insight into it either. Really upset me a few times. I honestly am comfortable with being challenged, I recognise it as a valid approach. I think it can be done politely though.

Perhaps the person had aspergers. It's a tricky one this one because I agree you shouldn't have to disclose personal things and disabilities but if you are in a therapeutic setting where people are a little raw or fragile, I dunno, I think it's necessary. Like, you couldn't be a counsellor and expect clients to feel safe if you had tourettes and didn't disclose it. Not sure I'd trust someone who hurled abuse at me - even if they couldn't help it. I'd be totally cool with a counsellor with tourettes as long as they disclosed so I could put any name calling into context.

Ugh! Still felt quite depressed and fragile when I went to see some friends last night to play a boardgame.

A 'friend' was there who can be quite unpleasant sometimes. He does a lot of sarcastic joking but he really isn't good at pulling it off. He just sounds serious. He also often does this thing where he's quite show offy about being in these 'cool' circles of people where not everyone is allowed in. He was being like this last night and it felt really unkind to be around.

He is often quite stand offish with me. He's a bit of a know it all, as well. He can be so nice but you never know what you're going to get. I'm particularly annoyed by sarcasm where someone appears/claims to be joking but really, they're not. He was being like this and I wanted to cry. I don't like suppressing it when I need to cry but at the same time I don't want to cause a 'thing' in front of people.

I really could have done without it last night. I had to take a couple of minutes in the kitchen and just felt trapped there. Really wanting to cry. Wanting to get out of there but not being able to do it without drawing attention to myself. It was feeding into my painful feelings around not being good enough, not being included, being isolated and shut out.

I managed to relax in the end but it wasn't nice. Ugh! I don't like being so sensitive. I don't know why people can't just be nice.