Going to keep this thread now!

Feeling really pleased with how I've coped this week. Been on my own 3 nights in the flat and was a bit nervous - because have had panic attacks before when alone, and really not nice.

Ive been fine though. Havent had any thoughts about gambling, despite being given a big cheque off my mum for my wedding. Im going to transfer it over to R just to be on the safe side, but it is nice to not feel the instant temptation springing up - oooh! gambling tokens!

Saw my Dad today and was pleased that there wasnt the friction there that there can be sometimes - hes a bit of a know it all, and constantly telling me my way is rubbish and his way is best. I dont even think he realises hes doing it half the time, he doesnt mean any harm.

Nothing much to report really. Feeling a bit fat and frumpy cos had to have a week off the exercise due to this cold Ive had. Its important to my wellbeing to know Im making an effort, and very calming too.

Past the century now! Will be 15 weeks on Tuesday since I quit.

Hi Freda,

Glad you had a good week, without any thoughts of gambling, and have been OK alone in the flat.

well done on the 15 weeks keep going Freda.....:-)

green x

Had a fairly fitful nights sleep, but not really sure why. Am feeling alright though. I had a moment where I couldnt lie still and felt total panic. Used to get that every single night, but now very rare. I just got up and walked around the flat for a couple of minutes then back to bed. Is the leftovers from my chronic anxiety where your mind and body get 'into the habit' of being nervous. When your adrenaline levels used to be constantly high, i think your body sometimes goes 'cant remember if i still need loads of adrenaline or not....I'll just pump a bit out and see' and sometimes this even happens when you are asleep. The result is either waking up in a panic but confused as to why, or having freaky 'naked at school' or 'late for work' anxiety dreams.

Im going to see last night as a reminder of how i used to feel EVERY single day, and remind myself how much better my nerves are now. So in this way it was a positive experience, to remind me how lucky I am to sleep peacefully most nights.

Started some daft course today, where you learn about volunteering for large events. Its nothing to do with anything I will ever do for a job probably, but one of those random free courses that lead to a proper qualification. Its free and I get my dinner included and my busfares paid for - so why not? Is hard to muster up much interest in the material, but I get the impression its pretty hard to fail until you have profound disabilities.

DT if you read that sentence I will be very disappointed if you miss the opportunity for sarcasm there - its like Im handing it to you on a platter 😉

Anyway, being busier than usual, I have noticed some gambling thoughts creeping in. Only natural, as it was until recently my favourite way to momentarily relieve stress. Im just staying aware of these thoughts, and reminding myself of how dangerous it would be to go back down that route.

Freda you seem to be doing amazingly girl well done. I don't think the "fretful" nights will ever leave us, like you said our bodies are used to it now. How may days you been clean now? Keep up the good work

Georgie

Just to say well done on 15 weeks. Anxiety attacks are a right pain.

Hi Freda,

Thanks for your support as always and congratulations on your continued recovery, you are doing great.

Good to hear you are pumping stuff out in bed at night, I do the same.

As for the qualification that goes with your new course, perhaps you can get someone to help you with the coursework?

(Couldn't resist - thanks for the setup)

Catch u in chat,

Take Care,

DT.

Oh dear...... DT, you are incorragible 🙂

Well,

I had a better nights sleep, but still waking up early and restless.

So today, a long meditation session and a yoga dvd I think 🙂

May go and catch the monks class tonight, as he is always a rejuvenating presence. What a nice bunch of lads those Buddhists are!

For today, I will not gamble and will reach 15 weeks of abstinence.

Morning Freda,

WOW WEE...15 weeks free. Well done sweetie!

You are always so kind and supportive....a beautiful soul :-))

I too love yoga and all that meditation stuff...I was at a yoga relaxation class yesterday....a full hour of soothing words and music which sent me into heaven..should be on the NHS!!!

Love to you...Jas xx

Hi Freda,

Congratulations on your 15 weeks, well done you! Thanks for your support and insight, seems we share a lot of behaviours/ attitudes and it really helps to be supported by someone who has had similar experiences,

Thanks,

DT.

Thanks for your post and I am sending hugs to you hun 🙂 .

Hi Freda

Nice to meet you in chat brief as it was from my part! Was trying to juggle being at work whilst being in chat, mostly unsuccessfully. That was the bit about me time.

Had a busy spell so shouldn't knock it.

Did catch the bit about 105 days and you should feel proud. It's a great achievement and if you think back 106 days probably seemed out of reach.

Take care and will catch up soon

M

Still feeling ridiculously tense! Have had a headache all day, and keep finding myself pre-occupied with thoughts of things that wind me up. Feel really angry and fed up. Im hoping this is partly hormonal and will pass, otherwise Im turning into a burning ball of rage for no particular reason!

Started my paid role at my voluntary placement yesterday. I spent 5 hours there, and by the time I left my head was thoroughly done in! I dont get a very good vibe from that place at all. Ive known for some time that it was a badly organised place - put it this way, they finally got round to giving me a key last week, they'd been promising me since I started. That would make it a whole 6 months it took them to get round to that.

No one seems to be clear about what they want from each other, then they b**** about it when the person doesn't do an excellent job of reading their mind. The woman who will be my line manager was being nasty about the tutor, saying that he hadn't bothered to turn up for the meeting that morning. However, there was no pre-arranged time for the meeting, the meetings location was not decided until one minute beforehand, and he was only in the next room anyway! I said to her 'I didnt realise he was supposed to be there - why didnt you just go and get him? he was only in the next room!' at which she went quite red and said 'I suppose so'.

So on my first day I learn that my new boss makes things up as she goes along, doesn't communicate any of it to her staff, and then blames them for her poor communication.

Ive a feeling Im going to LOVE working for someone like that...

To be honest, Im just going to keep my head down and take the money. Its only 4 hours a week - its a good thing Ive learned this about the place now. Apparently they have me in mind to replace the tutor, who has put his notice in already. Ive seen how he has been treated and frankly Id rather work cleaning offices. Less money, but wont drive you mad.

She rang me from her office to ask if I had access to some computer program they use. I was logged onto one of the public computers, and couldnt see it anywhere. She said that program might be blocked on those computers, could I log on the administrators computer and see if it was available to me from there. I said thats fine shall i ring you back in a minute once im logged on, rather than keep you on the line? Which she agreed to. So I called reception and asked them to put me through, they said she was in a meeting but was coming up to see me. I waited 10 minutes, then went to find out what was happening - to find she had gone home! Thats just rude!

So needless to say, Im a bit P*ssed off! It really grates on me when someones communication is so poor that they leave you waiting for them, then go home for the day.

Im pleased to say Ive not relapsed, which in the past would have typically happened when Im feeling like this. Of that I am proud.

Hi Freda,

Just wanted to thank you for the post this evening, you and everyone else really do help me make sense of all my recent problems, and it keeps me gamble free for that I'm truly grateful.

love that saying "just keep swimming" i will.....:-)

Stay strong Freda.

green x

Hi Freda

Thanks as always for those kind words and support. Mood swings, they do your head in init, one minute i feel as high as a kite and then as little as a few hours later i feel as tho im dragging myself of the pavement. Any negativity i have sends me into floods of tears. I would just like to feel balanced out if you know what i mean???

Hope things settle down for you in your job, your recovery is going so well, i genuinely hope it continues....

To answer a post of yours a while ago, i lost a very good friend some time ago now, he was only 24 and it was so sad! He like me had a gambling addiction it was stomach cancer which killed him, it went undiagnosed for nearly 10years.....He had no family, spent his childhood in care and basically had a unhappy life! But he always had a smile on face and was a pleasure to be around...Life at times can be so very confusing and hard, as you know yourself!

Anyway sorry im in dribbling mode, hope this post doesn't depress you...

Anyway take care Freda, ands xx