Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda,

just popping in to catch up, just a note about what you post here and to add my thoughts. The main reason I'm still here is the lovely people your good self included, it's good to get opinions, advice, feedback, call it what you will. We all fight our daily battles alone if the truth be known, we make our decisions, and need to live with them, for me the advice here, is kinda like having an extended family one who i have never met but look out for my best interests, and sometimes need to tell me a few home truths, good or bad, it helps me, at the end of the day when i log out, it's just me again, but with a little extra knowledge from all you guys, and the fact there are people out there who do care, it restores my faith in people, and even more the fact i have never met you all.

Enough of my rubbish, sorry if i went off the point, i get carried away.

Catch up a little more soon.

green x

Thank you sincerely Green and SA,

what a flipping gorgeous thing to come home from a late night journey, to find that two strangers have taken the time to stop by to give a verbal High five!

It is so funny because I used to run as fast as my nikees could carry me, away from any form of religion or organised belief-mongering. Can I tell you all a secret though? This Buddhism is really quite more-ish!

Im not going to convert to Buddhism in any formal way (it would be disrespectful to Buddhists everywhere for a meat-eater like me to call myself one for a start) but since I have been learning about the philosophies and perspectives, and learning how to meditate - Ive been filled with the most amazing sense of joy and happiness!

I TOTALLY used to roll my eyes whenever someone talked like that, lol.

Im just noticing some very exciting changes in my attitudes. Whenever I encountered a egotist in the past, I used to feel anger and irritation. Do you know what I sometimes feel now instead? Compassion! how wild is that?!

Not always mind you, it takes a while to get the hang of it 😉

Why would I feel anger, toward someone who feels so unhappy and insignificant that they have to constantly force their opinions down peoples throats? It must be horrible - to be that needy. Imagine if they somehow lost their voice, and were unable to boast and hold court as centre of attention. They would suffer so much pain and anxiety.

Eee, Im rambling like a cult leader! Enough for one night I think 🙂

Ps - of course thank you sincerely to Graham, ands, W and Jasmine too! was just referring to the posts that I discovered when I got home tonight. Every one of your posts has added something quite lovely to my day 🙂

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2009/20530.html

Kim xx

ee, talk about mood swings!

have had a right moody, not showering, stopping in my pjs all day, kind of a day!

nevermind. why freak out? Ive had a lot going on!

starting an NVQ soon which will be awesome. but im also doing a ten week course on a monday, dealing with not seeing my partner much due to living arrangements, STILL not having a counsellor, dealing with a new job role and new responsibilities, and all the other hurdles to jump over when you are insecure and paranoid.

anyway, been on my exercise bike and going to have a shower then cuddle up with my man - hooray!

Hi Freda

I have days like that aswell, just lounge around without even getting changed or having a shower. A month ago id just put the day down to another wasted day.

Now ill shower daily without fail, shave everyday, make sure my hair is always cut short and tidy, i even put on good clothes, even if just staying in. It makes me feel better about myself, strange really, and lately i feel as tho i should be doing something all the time, and i cant settle if theres dishes needed washed or clothes need putting in the washing machine. weird huh? Anyway hope you are well and enjoy your gamble free evening with your Mr Freda. All the best.

neil

Hi Freda!

Your diary is well interesting! I know bad days are rubbish but at the end of the day you can get in to bed and think to yourself, still not gambled!! Always an uplifting way to end the day especially if you think how much or how long you would have been gambling!

Stay Strong

James xx

Hi Freda,

You lazy tramp! As Matt Bianco once said, "Get up, get out your lazy bed", only kidding, have spent way too long doing exactly the same thing. Have had no direction or motivation for so long myself that I understand too well the mood swings.

You are doing great, remember to congratulate yourself, this isn't easy, but it's gonna be worth it.

Take care,

DT.

I got myself all upset yesterday, because I thought people at work were annoyed with me - went in today and everything is fine. I really need to learn to relax, I get really paranoid and jump to conclusions based on very little.

At least I am noticing when I am doing it though. That is half the battle. When I get myself all whipped up like that, I want to hide in my bed and not face anyone. Its one of the biggest causes of my depression - being over-sensitive and taking things too personally.

Im hoping that the more I get used to dealing with people on a daily basis, the less I will sit and dwell and worry about things. I definitely have too much time to sit and think about things.

Ive not gambled for over 16 weeks now, pretty much 4 months. Its the longest Ive been in years!

I started playing £1 on the lotto recently, but am thinking of packing this in too as it seems like a waste of money!

$ months is good freda and thanks so much for the post on my diary.

yes it was painful and still is but you have to get on with it. As an only child I always lived with the fear of losing them. I am blessed with the fact that Dad was 82 and Mum nearly 87. Couldn`t ask a great deal more.

After Dad passed away i wanted Mum to move in with us. That didn`t happen as Mum still had her sisters living close by but even now I miss our nightly calls, In the end she did move to a retirement home right by us. We had 5 weeks together but how good was it that she was close by.

I am going to admit to you something that always has bugged me deeply. We were heading for going bankrupt. My Mums estate bailed us out, that was 15 years ago. That has been a burden to bear for me. I had other business things, all of which were bad.

I remember feeling down and a very good friend said to me, that Mum and Dad would have been so very pleased that what they left me set me back up on my feet again. How very true that is. If that ain`t a reason to give up gambling what is?

In that time I have saved far more than what I was ever left and for the sake of my sanity I am so glad. It`s kind of that i have earned it back. I am not a churchy person but I do believe that God stepped in and gave me the chance to earn that money back so in a way it makes me feel better if that makes sense to you.

Have been playing this daft game on facebook to kill some time and zone out.

Unfortunately, there are family members on facebook. There is some unpleasantness in our family, and most of the time I manage not to think about it. Im not saying this in a bitter way, but apart from my parents I am genuinely happier without family in my life.

Anyway, facebook has this annoying habit of flashing up suggestions of people to add as friends. You've got it, I've been sitting with family members' faces flashing up every few flippin seconds!

Has got me to thinking about them again, and how judgemental and unkind they can be. How small I feel when Im around them. How I always bite back, then wish I hadn't. Anyway, am going to log off for the night and do some tai chi or something.

Thanks again to all who have posted.

Some of the sweetest people in the world have been gamblers. Hunny, you are just proof of that again.

Hi Freda

Thanks for the post on my diary, must admit that was very sweet of you, i understand completely what you where saying about the counselling and the feelings that accompany it.... Some days are better than others as you know yourself, some days im so all over the place, then im high as a kite! Life bit of a puzzle realy, but i am learning well i think i am lol!

Your point on making friends is so true it is hard to meet new people and the mid thirty thingy made me smile..Being honest Freda i dont know, am going to a dads only group next week im not being sexist, its just where single dads meet up and talk about parenting, the ups and downs etc... So that might be a start for me, anyway thanks again, hope you are ok and it was nice chatting to you last night, it always is tho.....

Have a good weekend, ands xxx

oh and well done on your recovery, your doing so very well. xxx

Oh my new job....

The one where no one ever does what they say, and then blames it on someone else.

We had a meeting today about an event we are holding on Wednesday. The event is supposed to be to advertise our community centre and get more learners signed up. However, no one knows what courses we offer, how to enrol anyone on them, what identification they need to bring... Farcical is not the word!

I was supposed to be organising a free raffle for the event, and am not in again until the morning of the event, but was assured there were some raffle tickets for me to attach to the prizes. Nope. So Ive had to go home, buy some raffle tickets on the way, and will have to find time to go back in to the centre next week to organise it. So they have completely wasted my afternoon.

I will continue to turn up and take their money, but am definitely not enjoying it. Ive witnessed several times now, them telling me the wrong thing and then denying it afterward - rather than just saying 'oh yes, sorry we made a mistake'. So they make out that Im the one who got it wrong. Do you know, im the first one to hold my hand up if it is me, but I cant stand when people lie about things.

If it doesnt get much better soon, Im packing it in. Its not worth the money.

Today, I have not gambled.