Going to keep this thread now!

Sorry to hear you relapsed freda but it sounds like your coming back stronger and taking action which is great to see 

Lou xx

Thanks, guys

I feel a bit down today but it is to be expected. Dopamine crash and all that. I got loads of housework done, yesterday which helped give me a dose of dopamine but today, I've felt tired and a bit negative. Been thinking thoughts about how I don't fit in and I know some really shallow, narcissistic people who seem to always have people's support and company but it's not a very constructive way of thinking.

I'm just mentioning as well, that I'm not visiting anyone else's diary for a while. Something I read in someone else's diary a while ago, stuck in my memory and gave me the idea for how to gamble this most recent time, despite the blocks I had in place. I am just taking some time to keep myself safe.

(1) Progressive Muscle Relaxation For Management of Anxiety and Stress (with Music) - YouTube

Well! What a massive, crazy week.

Someone I work with, in the supermarket died from Covid. She went off sick and was dead within a week. Truly awful. She was only months from retirement. I found out when I turned up for work. I'm so glad I went in a little early, to do some shopping because I got time to sit in the toilets and have a little cry.

I haven't even thought about gambling. Too much going on. 

I've contacted the union, asking to get support raising some issues around staff welfare. They are still putting us on the doors to challenge customers about wearing masks and shopping in groups but it's stressful for people who don't like confrontation. A lot of people are rude, or tell us to eff off.

Hey Freda,

My thoughts are with you this difficult time. Whilst many people frown up on pandemic, they do not see loved ones, friends or work colleagues loosing their lives cause of it. It is REAL and it's claiming so many lives.

Its the same with my work. Its just spread like wildfire and i think all of us are going through very difficult times presently.

I am glad you're keeping safe and helping yourself & other's cope through union. People need any support they can get presently, its more important than ever!

Well done on keeping gambling at bay. That temporary release is not worth long term consequences.

Stay safe

S&B xx

Thank you, Sandra. I can imagine it is even more challenging in your field and not always able to socially distance at all.

I totally don't mind going in and taking that small risk - it's small at my age and with no physical health issues - but we are not paid to be security guards. I would never apply for a high-conflict position like security guard. 

I am genuinely in need of being off sick with stress but I'm also glad that the manager is being hit the only place he cares - in the pocket, having to pay me sick pay.

I have pulled a blinder! I have demonstrated that the union rep is pants and that I am being fobbed off and lied to by somebody. I'm looking forward to speaking with the rep from the regional office - who is an ACTUAL UNION REP and not a servant to the bosses. I have kept receipts! I have screenshots of the BS and them contradicting themselves.

My partner "gets it" and says he is proud of me for standing up to them. He says I am very brave. I am very brave! It also helps that I don't care about my job. It's a terrible place to work. Farcical. Like working in fast food, or something. They treat people terribly. It pays my mortgage, but so would pretty much anything else.

I looked at job advertisements on the government website today and there are 7 near my city! One is for a teacher and two of them are the same advert, repeated, for an ATOS assessor. They make £32k doing that. Shocking when you consider a nurse starts on £25k a year!

Feel really low today. Am going for some shopping with my partner tonight, then have phone counselling tomorrow. Am still off sick from supermarket. I need a break from there.

Was asked how many days I'd been gambling free tonight, in chat. I've no idea tbh. When I go into a lapse, I always know it can't last. It's like a holiday from not-gambling. That's how my mind views it. I know I've got a few days max, then I need to pack it in.

I don't mean to be flippant about it, it's just an honest description of what happens. It's usually linked to a period of exclusion ending, or something. When I know there is a doorway open. I've gone for the 5 year gamstop this time. To be honest, I just wanted to see if it was any good but I definitely liked not having to commit to a long period. I find it hard to honestly promise myself I will never gamble again. It's hard to let go completely. 99%? Yes, I can do that but letting go 100%? I find it hard. I suppose that's why we remind ourselves to focus on staying sober today. One day at a time.

I'm going for 10/01/21 being my last day I gambled. It's accurate within 2 days, at the most. So, this is day 21, I guess. It has been quite easy with new blocks in place. It was a symptom of something else. Usually is. Stopping gambling is easy, it's dealing with life on top of that, that's hard. 

I have so much fear inside me. I find it's usually fear at the bottom of everything. I'm sick of my job at the supermarket and feel paranoid there. Uncomfortable. I don't fit in. Small minded people. I know I'm lucky to have a job, in this situation but it's hard to cope with, sometimes. It's the confrontation, as well. I can't do the door marshalling thing. I hate being spoken to like rubbish. I want to smack people. I'm off sick at the moment but in a way, I need to be back. It's routine and stuff. I've still been going to my other job at the library but it's only one day a week.

Funeral for our fallen colleague tomorrow. Really sad.

I've been looking at jobs in the civil service. My partner says it's hard to get sacked. Even if you are rubbish at your job, they try and do something with you, somewhere else. I'd prefer part-time, though. I'd struggle to cope with full-time.

I suppose when you're feeling fragile, it's not good to think about the future too much. I have been eating to comfort myself. I just feel sad a lot. 

I miss going dancing. It was therapeutic. It's not the same, dancing on my own, I miss dancing with other people.

Need to get some jobs done. I am just sitting on the sofa for hours with my laptop but it's making me feel worse. I do manage some constructive things. Went for a 3 mile run today.

Today has been a very, very bad day. 

Went to my colleague's funeral and got dirty looks off some people. It was really upsetting, in that situation and context.

Couldn't stop crying this afternoon, am still really, really tearful. I was supposed to go for tea at partner's ex wife's with the kids. I'd spoken to him beforehand about how he feels about talking about mental health issues in front of his children. I wanted to know how he would feel, if I was having a bad day. They are 9 and 12, not babies but I didn't know if they understood what things like depression, were. I was aware I had an early start at work, that morning, then a funeral. He said it was fine but we could always cancel, if I was really bad. 

I messaged him saying I couldn't pull myself together. He said OK. I said "I'm sorry." No response. I said "I feel like I'm trying my best but it's never good enough". To which he started ranting about is this my way of making it his fault because I don't have the bottle to break up with him.

No concern for my being distressed after the funeral. No, are you OK, do you need anything? No concern whatsoever. Just a huff because she will have "gone to a lot of effort". 

That's not love.

Hi freda.  It was great to chat at Group Chat earlier, and I thought I'd pop by.  I've just read your last post.

I'm just sorry you've had such a bad day and all I can say is that your emotions and thinking are rational.  You've acted considerately and reasonably.

Sometimes, it's just good to know you're on the level, which you really are. Otherwise, I wouldn't have made a comment. 

Take care.

Thank you, that means a lot. 

He acted like I was being melodramatic. It's cruel. We have split up, I can't take it anymore.

Dear freda,

Just reading your post and wanted to offer our condolences, and also our support; it sounds like you are having a difficult time and I wanted to let you know that we are here if you need anything or someone to talk to. 

We are here overnight, if you do find you need to talk. 

Take care,

Helen 

Forum Admin

Hi Freda...

Its been a while.

Thinking of you.

S.A x