Going to keep this thread now!

I've been feeling a lot of shame recently. Strange how it has come up in me, so strongly.

It's a really difficult emotion for me to feel. I think it might have been triggered by "telling" and asking for help. Even though I haven't named any names with my telling, I still feel uncomfortable. Historically, I have had a tendency to get quite whipped up about things and overreact a bit at times. I think this throws me into confusion and fear when I am struggling with something - whether it is normal and reasonable, or my mental health problem. 

I definitely don't have the thickest of skins but the way some people have spoken to me recently at work, has definitely been out of order. I'm getting better at letting the odd thing just go - even if it's pretty bad. It's repeated violations of my boundaries that I struggle with. 

Anyway, have been a bit tearful and low and quite paranoid at times, past few days but have started daily meditation again and done some exercise to help tip the balance back in a better direction.

My partner has actually been flipping great. Very supportive and patient with me.

Treat yourself with compassion and love you so deserve! We do things for a reason and i know you're kind natured soul and nothing you said/did was coming from negative place on purpose.

Sometimes we need to put ourselves first and as you said yourself, its nothing wrong to ask for help. If you won't do that, nobody will know there is a problem...

So stop being hard on yourself. You matter and deserve all the best things in life.

Good to hear your partner is filling some void you feel. Accept that support and continue to walk side by side. 

Stay safe

S&B xx

thanks for your kind post, S

I feel a bit better about things. My physical health problems are still causing hormonal problems, it seems, which won't be helping.

I'm very irritable and touchy at the moment but I have enjoyed some time in the garden, with my cats, this afternoon. These things are therapeutic and do help.

Partner and I are off for a run, in a while, as well. I'm hoping to do 5k.

We did the 5k! Felt really good for it. 

I'm fuming with a blooming narcissistic CPN who has written a report, dismissing my needs and writing about someone else's experiences at some point in the report.

People like this are so dangerous around mentally unwell people. They are dismissive, unprofessional and belittling.

I already felt a bit wobbly today but this has made me feel very tearful and angry. He has agreed to amend his assessment notes and send out a revised copy to my GP and myself. I said to him, it's going to make it look in my medical notes, as if I've invented some sob story to get attention. All of my previous accounts of my family background are the same, apart from this one, because I don't make things up and I don't experience delusions or psychosis. It was literally this inaccurate - instead of my account of my mother's instability "she mistakenly believed our GP was in love with her and would have other strange beliefs that were scary and confusing and I'd be punished for things I hadn't done. From my lay-person's understanding, she seemed as though she might have undiagnosed BPD." He wrote "Her mother displayed bi-polar like behaviour and was hospitalised for several suicide attempts". This never happened, he's writing from someone else's notes.

On the phone he said "I can only apologise" but there was no sincerity there, or genuine accountability or insight into the effect this letter might have on me. It was like he intellectually understood from experience - when you get people's notes wrong, they get upset and angry and say you haven't listened to them. - but there was no compassion for me as a human being. I imagine he does this a lot.

Spoke to the counsellor from my local GamCare partner and she thinks I should ask to be reassessed by someone else. I don't really want to go through the experience of getting another patronising dismissive letter, though.

Freda i am so sorry what an awful stressful situation you didnt need. You rightly so should rceeive and assessment from someone else, ask to speak to a member of management or a senior practitioner i spoke to a senior practitioner who was great and over the year i wouldnt have improved such as going back to work if she hasnt stepped in and got me the right support.

I hope you are listened too and they put something in place to prevent this happening again, if that had happened to me i would have been distressed also but the response you had was not fair. 

Lou x 

Just been to a really strange recovery meeting that didn't feel very safe at all!

Yeah, a man who seemed....not neurotypical, talking at length about some scheme he was signed up to, to make loads of money from a special kind of betting, which was impossible to lose at....

I have no idea whatsoever why he'd been allowed to join a recovery group. This week just gets stranger and stranger. 

Thats doesnt sound good freda and quite suspicious also i replied before your last post but its not showing yet hopefully it will soon.

In regards to the group is there anyone that runs it you can speak too ?its inportant you feel safe and from what you said there is a question of why are they there..are they in denial that form of gambling is possible to loose but there still wanting to stop gambling,or is there chance they could be encouraging the wrong sort of thing.

Maybe mention how you feel ?

Lou x 

I just don't think I'll go again. I don't really need it for support. It was just something else to try, to stay somewhat connected to my local service. It kind of just topped off a strange day.

I did a tremoring therapy I learned online, last night. It was really helpful and helped me release a lot of the tension from being triggered. I had frozen up and sat on my sofa all day, crying. This morning, when I woke up, it was a bit like having a hangover. The feeling of having lost control of my behaviour a bit, yesterday. That mild apprehension and fear that you've "made a fool of yourself". This is what it feels like for me, to struggle with emotional regulation - which apparently I already have tools for that I'm not actually using, according to smarmy CPN. Feeling relieved that not much damage was done, when I was "out there". I have the emotional maturity to properly process things as not the end of the world but when things trigger my "stuff" I have a very strong reaction. It feels scary, as I don't want to damage relationships or my reputation. It's really difficult to live with. A lot of people don't understand, including a lot of mental health practitioners. It just looks to a casual observer that you're being dramatic. I basically lost a whole day, where I could have gotten on with more constructive things, if I hadn't been crippled with strong emotion.

Good sunny morning Freda,

I tried to catch up with your recent entries and am so sorry to hear you have had tough time of it...yet, you dedicated your time/concentration and kind heart to come over and support others. This is tremendous and i deeply respect that!

We all get down days or trigger days. I think you did well tryingto distract yourself.did it help or not? I don't know but at least you tried and that's what matters the most.

We are human being and we all carry our excellent sides as well as not so. Its learning about ourselves and how to release not so welcome energy in safe and positive way. I think you did just that. No damage done....a bit of headache from the tears released but that's how far it goes...

Leave that bad day behind..concentrate on what you have in front of you here and now..cats...partner, sun...do something nice for YOURSELF today...even little things can bring big satisfaction and calm.

I learned something over last week. My trainer ...he noticed when i messed something up (little in big respect of things) and seen me sulking and beating myself up. He let me sulk briefly, allowed space and a breather...and then, maybe 10mins later said "you done? How important was that? Did it change overall things? Was it worth it?"....and he is absolutely right...it isn't worth it..we are all learning and mistakes bound to happen. Nobody dies...its not affecting anyone but your own mind..so what we do in those times? Let it go! Simple as... so if i make a little mistake now i maybe swear under my breath but immediately concentrate on the task and move on..it is such big help i didn't realise myself! Its quite empowering also! ...accept what you can change, and the ones you can't..you have to move on and allow yourself inner recovery space...healing.

Hugs and well wishes, keep your head held high ?

S&B xx

thanks, San, I agree - I thing I had that guilty/shame feeling because I sometimes struggle to believe or trust that it was normal to get so upset about something. I find it hard to trust myself, as I know sometimes I do overreact. Feedback from others would suggest I'm usually not overreacting and the handling of my case by that CPN was genuinely poor and would upset most people.

It is forgotten in the sense I've let the hurt and anger go but I am still going to officially complain because I feel this man is not doing his job to a professional level and is dealing with vulnerable people. Someone higher up needs an awareness of this, to protect others going forward. One case will not result in harm to his career but if they start to stack up, they will realise it is a regular problem as opposed to occasional human error, which is of course unavoidable.

I bought a small amount of crypto currency the other day. It's definitely very close to gambling. I'm not really emotionally fired up about it, though. I want to just let it sit there for ages. I find it interesting how it goes up and down in value. Time will tell, if it was a good idea for a cg. 

No proper gambling to report. I continue to stay away from lottery completely, for the time being. I will review in an ongoing way.

I've had almost 4 weeks off from work, now. Well, one of my jobs. Going back on Sunday. One of the problematic characters is leaving very soon. I hope the dynamic improves as a result. 

One of my outlets has reopened to me! I call it "screaming" it's a cathartic release group practice. I'm going on Friday and looking forward to it. It is deeply intimate in a very strange way. You are screaming, yelling and shouting, in a room full of sometimes strangers. A side of us we hide in "civilised" society. I like the intimacy and connection this forges. It tends to attract quite brave souls, as well.

@freda.

This is your post from a couple of weeks ago.

Partner has bought a small amount of crypto-currency and was showing me his app. I was really excited about it and asked if he'd buy some for me, to manage, as I was concerned it was too similar to gambling, to be able to manage it myself. He commented on how excited and "activated" I'd gotten about it and I have to agree with him. This is something I should leave alone. This is a good example for other cg's of the benefits of transparency with your partner. I didn't tell him sort of the day we met but told him early on, after a few months. He is now AWARE and can notice if I get disproportionately excited about stuff. It's good for me. If he didn't know, he may have just thought "weird how excited she gets about some things" and shrugged it off. With knowledge that I'm in recovery, we were able to recognise as a team, pretty quick, this is not a thing that would probably be good for me.

I've highighted some points on there that might be relevant to your last post.

I don't know what you recovery program is, be it Ga or Gamcare advisors or just blocks, but for me at Ga one of my books says not to even buy raffle tickets. I don't even call heads or tails. I'm not telling you what to do but you are in dangerous ground with cryptcurrency. It is definetely gambling as it's value goes up and down and you will get excited if it goes up. Food for thought maybe?

Chris.

Totally. I know. Thanks for posting. In my mind, I am much less excited about it, now. 

I agree it has caused the same feelings in me, as gambling did. I've spoken on my diary before about catching things early, before hitting any kind of rock bottom. I totally still have a gambler's mindset. I think about what I can "get away with". I take it onboard.

Partner is in a  mood. His ex-wife has a boyfriend. He's brooding about not wanting another man to be around his kids. I know he's hurting but he shared some beliefs/attitudes last night that I found quite scary and unreasonable. He was talking about not wanting this man around his kids, ever. I think this is a bit excessive and controlling. I understand him wanting the guy to stay away for a while and get to know the girls gradually but he came across a bit psycho tbh. I asked if he thought it was fair to not let her partner be around the kids at all. That this would make it very difficult for her to have a relationship, as she works full-time and the kids live with her. He just said it's her fault for leaving him.  I am very glad I didn't have children with him. 

I didn't want any kind of intimacy with him last night, or this morning and he was moody as hell. Felt like I was walking on eggshells. I asked him if he was OK, he seemed a bit angry. Insisted everything was fine. Then, at my house, he said something about knowing someone who was selling female viagra. He said maybe you should get some. I said "I wonder how you would feel, if I suggested you get some viagra?" He admitted he probably wouldn't like it very much. No apology though. 

Thing is, it's not about apologies though, it's about his inability to take responsibility for the environment he creates. It will just be "my fault" that I don't want to be intimate with him, nothing to do with his behaviour. It's like being with a child. I don't think I can do it much longer. I just feel unhappy and uncomfortable around him, when he's acting himself.