Going to keep this thread now!

This is not okay freda, 

I hope your okay xXx

Lou

I know 🙁 

I will be OK. Thanks, Lou xx

Xx 

Well, boyfriend has apologised for what he said yesterday and seems in a more pleasant mood. Today, I go back to work for the first day in over 4 weeks. I'll be focussing on getting through that, today, without any tears or distress. Everything else can be sorted in it's own time.

I guess the bottom line is that we only have control over out own actions and behaviours. When people try to control others it never ends well for anybody. Sometimes we just have to accept things as they are. I guess your fella is going through that process of a changing situation with his kids.

Hope your work passes off ok. Thanks for your recent support.

S.A 🙂

Yeah, although the pressuring for s*x and sulking aren't OK and are warning signs, it was a very man-rage type triggering time for him. I think you say unreasonable things when you're still angry and he wasn't realising how scary I would find that. We have since talked about it, he has come down a lot and isn't saying scary, controlling things anymore.

I love him very much but I know these are serious red flags and warning signs, even if just periodical. I feel like it creates a situation where I'm not able to make more commitment to him, as they are legitimate reasons to not want to live, or have children with a person. As opposed to a general refusal to commit in general. 

I do keep thinking - if he was one of those really dangerous, controlling men, he'd have gotten sick of not getting what he wanted by now. Surely he'd have escalated or moved on to a more vulnerable or easy target who would be happy to make commitments early on.

He's back to normal, nice partner again. It's hard when it's only occasional, to draw that line and say "I need to leave". 

In thinking about your thoughts above...

I don't about you but I find its amazing how quickly I can go from calm and happy to frustrated and angry and then maybe say or do things that I later regret. Its partly having a sensitive nervous system me thinks.

Also I think people don't always mean what they say. Many times ive said things and then later thought to myself... "I don't think that at all"..... sometimes i just get stuck in the emotion of the moment or somebody elses thoughts and feelings and blurt something out that I really don't think. 

We are strange emotional creatures us human beings.

Happy days x

Hello Freda and anyone else reading this thread,

If you're not happy about the way someone close to you is treating you, there is help out there. It can be hard to recognise abusive behaviour. Some people can be good at manipulating others to feel like it's their fault, or that the behaviour is normal. 

Glad to hear that the incident you posted about seems to have passed. It can be hard to decide what to do if the behaviour is intermittent but that can sometimes be part of a pattern and can leave you treading on eggshells wondering when the next incident might be or what might set it off.

You are in control of what you do. 

For anyone who needs it, Refuge have information on recognising abusive behaviour and how to get support.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/What-is-abuse

Keep posting,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Thanks, both

I totally agree that there are some unhealthy potentials there. I am quite resistant to control and I do feel someone who was chronically problematic would have just moved on by now. I'm aware of the gradual escalation that can occur, with people who can be a danger to be with. I'm seeing reassuring responses in a short space of time. Things I'm uncomfortable with, are changed and stopped.

As Deirdre says, anyone reading should always speak with people who are experts in this arena. This, I am certainly not.

Hi diary,

I'm just passing by to say I'm in one piece. Things have been quiet on the relationship front, again. I've been enjoying spending some nights apart, as we don't always sleep well, together, due to us both snoring and tossing and turning in our sleep. 

I'm finding it difficult to make arrangements to see people. I have trouble socialising and have to keep pushing myself to do it. The lockdown restrictions made me regress quite a bit. I'm enjoying going to the gym and going screaming again. It's also great to be able to go for massages and things like that. A bit more balance restored. I haven't hard-gambled at all but have done some things that are strictly speaking gambling. I've entered a few raffles/competitions. It hasn't escalated but it isn't full abstinence either. 

I've applied for a few jobs recently and haven't been successful but it has been good for me to see that there are some options out there, even if they aren't plentiful. I'm enjoying spending time in my garden and with my cat and the foster cat. He is quite old and frail now.

I can't really be bothered to write about the in's and out's of it all but I have split up with partner. He acts like kind of a wang. Immature sense of humour, combative, finds sick things funny. 

I've re-read my diary today and it has helped me feel better and more resolute in my decision. I need to be with someone mature and accountable.

I'm feeling the loneliness today. The loss, the fear about finding someone else. 

I saw him last night and I felt numb, nothing. I felt a strong love for him as a person, knowing his story, wanting him to be happy. Sadness that I can't bring that about.

Hi Freda, sorry to hear that things didn't work out with your partner. Sounds like you made the right decision despite being left with some difficult feelings.

I guess the bottom line is that we can't change people and neither should we try. All we can change is ourselves.

Hugs S.A x

Ain't that the truth, SA!

I suppose I hoped I could influence rather than change. Just to be more gentle and mature. But nope.

I'm getting used to being on my own a lot, again. It's more peaceful, my house is tidier, my cat is happier - she's very needy, haha!

I feel so low today. I'm so lonely but most people feel scary to me.