Going to keep this thread now!

Gratitude

1) I got a nice M&S skirt from a charity shop for only £1, today!

2) I've been eagerly awaiting the £400 help with energy bills and this went onto my energy account balance as a credit, which I'm grateful for. It's being paid in monthly installments. I'm grateful the whole amount didn't go into the bank.

3) I managed to push through a low energy day and got out and about in town and got some steps in.

4) I dried some laundry outdoors. Grateful I managed to get laundry done and hung out, despite low energy today.

5) I had some battenberg cake for the first time in 7 years!!!! It was lovely (I'm vegan and you can't buy a vegan version. It's quite a faff to make, at home).

6) I did the washing up and hoovered. I couldn't be bothered but it feels so much better now.

7) I'm going for a nice massage, in the morning.

8) I got a fit note for a month, so I won't be pressured to apply for jobs I think might be bad for me.

9) I finished watching Dahmer, on Netflix. Although it was a dark subject, I enjoyed the series.

10) Sorry it sounds gross, but I feel better for cleaning up some cat sick properly. I cleaned it on a basic level, straight away but had put off doing it properly.

Hi Freda,

Thanks and its good to feel at peace ?

Glad to read you're doing mighty well! Keep it up..

I watched the series also, interesting what goes round serial killers mind. Q scientists  didn't find answer for yet. 

Stay safe & well!

Xx

I'm grateful for:

1) getting out of the woods, uninjured, today. Good grief! My friend and I got lost and we ended up having to go down muddy slopes and allsorts.

2) My high pain threshold. I was furious to slip, going up a muddy bank and fell with my full weight, onto my hand, into a bunch of brambles and thorns. I was over it pretty quick.

3) I had a first date, yesterday and was very pleasantly surprised that he wanted to see me again. I almost cancelled, as I felt so unattractive.

4) I love iced coffee. I feel so happy, when I'm drinking it.

5) Nature. It is good to be in it.

6) My mobility. I am so grateful my legs have carried me over some challenging terrain, today.

7) Meditation. I am in the process of re-establishing my practice. It is good for me.

8) Therapy. I am having trauma-informed therapy.

9) Money. I'm grateful I have the money to pay for some therapy sessions and to pay my mortgage.

10) My fixed mortgage rate. I'm so very grateful for this, at the moment.

A good post their Freda.

It's good to be greatful and recognise it.

So, this deserves a random - how's about doing a list of what peee-ees you of, ie ' I'm not happy what I read in FB today '  and the flip would be to get shot of FB.

I hope that makes sense.

Before I go, can I say that number  3 on your list is a bollx ' great full ', why wouldn't he want to see you again. Don't sell yourself short !

Nice idea, faking it! I certainly think Facebook has developed a mechanism now, where you can interact as your business or other page, without needing to use your personal account - although, unless i deactivated the original, I doubt I'd resist having a look.

Very kind, on point 3. But for all you know, I could look like Jabba the hut, haha! 

Sorry for laughing at the brambles, love reading your posts!

Very pleased to hear about your date, hope it works out!!

Speak soon 

@freda - Don't knock Jabba the hutt, especially with the clout he carry's in the Grand Hutt council, besides that is beauty not after all in the eye of the beholder. Also due to my resemblance to him Jabs happens to be my nickname.

Feelings well and truly hurt - ;-(

Randomly, have you heard of the ' Ghost in the machine ? Hence it's the mind the most attractive of all beings, is it not ?

My FB was just an example, ie find things what peee-ss you of and either delete or flip and use as a tool as you do with your grateful list. 

So he messages me, yesterday, to say he doesn't think it's going to work out. It's a bad time for him, he won't have any time to see me and will constantly let me down... but he's unmatched with me on the dating app but hasn't left the dating app. I suppose the truth is none of my business.

I'm having therapy to help with trauma and it's bringing up a lot of strong emotion. I was working with a jumped up little pipsqueak, last night, who is so condescending. I felt actual rage. She is 20 years younger than me and loves to tell me what to do, even though she isn't my boss, or anyone's boss. I'm not ageist, it's harder to take from someone so much younger. It's the disrespect. She was talking about how she's practically doing the supervisor's job already. Are you?! I said. She isn't. She told me what she's doing and I listed off another 8 things that are the supervisor's job, not the 2 things she's doing, to help out while the supervisor is sick. It came to the end of the night and the actual senior staff member left first and spoke to us both, like adults. Then she says to me, "you can go now, thanks" and I just wanted to punch her. I said "wow, amazing people skills. you'll go far" she goes "well, I am the senior, now **** has gone home".  I don't want to deal with awful, awful, children, with a lust for power. I hope she falls down a manhole, asap.

The rage, though. It's not just about her, it's about all the people who have gone before her. All of the people who felt entitled to speak down to me. All of the people that have no empathy, no decency. Urrgh!

I don't actually trust anything anyone says, anymore.

Apparently, my best mate and my other mate are "in love". She has been drinking heavily, like an alcoholic and abusing prescription drugs, as well. I think they're both very unhealthy and just descending into chaos together. I don't know what to think about anything, anymore. Someone I thought I knew well, has a whole messed up secret life that I know nothing about.

@freda , firstly a thanks as your diary is one of the rare ones who stirs this grey matter in my jabber head.

Sounds like inadvertently that you had a good / clean escape from the latest possible beau, a good possibility sounding by it that he's another who's not in sync with his emotional age.

As with your drama at work with your young upstart, but is it her bad or yours? Dealing with fragile insecure egos is hard especially when we can't even trust our own minds thro6gh the throws of addiction.

By only reading your diary and not knowing you, it sounds like your in a job that's not challenging enough to satisfy this very clear good brain of yours. Alas, though no easy fix there,  as we need to keep the tokens comng in and circulating them accordingly.

Now my humble regarding your 2 mates fluttering there eye lids at each other, is this your issue ? ie I don't know how to articulate what I mean by this but recognise it  in my own behaviour sometimes, ie your control settings, that just by being here / therapy/ GA etc , you are trying to adjust. So take the high road.

Good luck Freda, your having a ramble through the woods but soon you'll be back in seeing the woods from the tree's 

Thanks, Faking it. 

Yes, it's not my problem, the friends being chaotic. Just a sad wake up call for me. They are very unhealthy people and it's sad but they can do what they want. It's sad is all. I'm very open and genuine. I'm honest about my vulnerability and she has been a bit superior about it, to be honest. She has to hide what she is doing because she's been judgemental with me. I just want to be treated with respect, which I think is OK, but you're entitled to disagree. 

As for the pip squeak. No, it's not me having a fragile ego, she's really rude and inappropriate. Many people struggle with her. My feelings are stronger at the moment which is not her fault but she's awful. It's not the done thing, to speak to other people like that, in our workplace. She wants to be a manager and will be awful to people. People who don't deserve it. 

I hear what you are saying about people with fragile egos. Mine can be, at times. However, I think it's awful to be rude to your colleagues and talk down to them. It's just unkind. It's always people on lower grades. She treats everyone else with respect. I think only bad people do that. I'm just going to stay out of her way. I gave her a few chances.

Hi Freda,

I'm having a little skive from work and sat on side of Thames watching how the city works before I head back into my fellow rats.

You interpreted my previous message wrong but that's ok, there my words and and when I press send, they are no longer my words and can be interpreted in any other way.

As with fragile egos, on a scale of 1/10 they differ, just like mental health. So, the only thing within our *** is trying to be blind to others and just work on ours. Easier said than done, I know, so a little hypocrisy from this Jabber.

Something that fascinated me, and only my equation so doesn't matter whether right or wrong is the work of Freud Vs a chap called Abraham Maslow. My interpretation of this was the latter had an abundance of Guinea pigs to practice on and the latter only had a few as there are a lot more unhealthy people out rather than healthy ones. Check out - The hierarchy of needs ! And work in making this sh-ite confusing life we are dealt with and simplify it, as after all we're simple folk getting trapped in the trappings of sh-ite.

Better get to work 

Oh, sorry about that. I wasn't annoyed, I just genuinely didn't agree on your theory but it was a fair suggestion. 

I wonder if you meant someone trying to boost their own ego, yes, she probably is. I don't care for people who do it at the expense of others, though. Putting other people down. It's that behaviour that I despise. It's horrid.

I know I was provocative back to her. Questioning her claims. It's to try and get her to back off and not do her rubbish on me. I don't care what she thinks of me. I don't think she is a nice person. It's actually because I don't want to go off on her. I'm trying to prevent it, from coming to that. I am dragging up trauma right now, in therapy and so I am raw. I know that's not for her to compensate for. I keep to myself, if I think I will make people feel like they are walking on eggshells. People trying to domineer me, unfairly is a trigger for me. She is a risky person to be around, right now. I do my best to not take my stuff out on people, I honestly do but when you are in a bad place and people poke you, it's awful.

I dunno if that makes sense. I know it's no-one's job to tiptoe around me but it's extra hard right now when people are disrespectful. I usually don't care that much. 

Everything is heightened right now. I'm finding it hard to function.

Anyway, I got a very useful memory jog about humility, from something you said. It doesn't matter if you meant to remind me or not, I liked something reminding me. So I'm very happy either way, haha! But yes, I like the awareness of potential superiority, creeping in, describing people as very unhealthy. I am very unhealthy, myself. Best to focus on my own unhealthiness. Although, to be a bit of a know it all, I really am, haha! as I'm paying for expensive trauma therapy even though I'm on the dole. I don't care what anyone else thinks, on this front. I am doing a lot to help myself and work on myself. I am holding myself accountable. Making good choices. 

It helps to write a lot, when I'm having one of my episodes. 

I'm a little embarrassed that I am a bit toxic at the moment. I don't want to be. All of my triggers are freshly exposed. It's calculated risk. Hopefully, temporary difficult behaviour and touchiness for real progress on healing the awful amount of shame, that I have. It's really hard to function when it is triggered. That's why I'm not doing anything challenging. I can't cope with people. It's risky if they're awful to me, in a raw moment because I feel shame and rage and it's so hard to keep it inside my body. It's holding me back in life. For now, it's the right thing to do.

Hi Freda,

Just by looking at your last post as I would look into a fish bowl, my observation was how many times you validated yourself.

f----u*k validation your breaking through, so good on you - keep pushing

Have a good weekend 

Thanks very much!

My mental health is in a right state. This trauma therapy is drawing everything to the surface. I don't think I realised how much shame I actually have and feel. 

I'm not even going to work, tomorrow. I haven't really functioned all week.

I just want to get better. I wish I didn't struggle so much, to cope with workplaces.

I need to find a way to make money for myself.

It's quite complex these days with search engines and so on. I will figure it out. I thought maybe vegan brownies by post, or something. 

Something where I don't need to deal with people face to face.