Going to keep this thread now!

Ah, thanks, Stace. It makes sense now. I was feeling really paranoid! thanks for explaining, it's put my mind at ease xx

Feel a bit more positive today. Been to the gym, this morning for a gentle session back.

I watched this drama based on the SAS selection process, last night. It's unbelieveable what they put them through and I think the film gave it a softer touch. Makes you wonder how often these people save our lives and we never even hear about it. I wish they weren't necessary. It inspired me a bit. I thought if they can get through that, I can do a few extra reps at the gym, haha!

I feel a bit boosted by a recognition at work. I wasn't expecting it but my pay is going up, due to meeting enough of my targets. It's nice to get something back for your efforts. It's 50p an hour, not extremely life-changing - but proportionate for what I've done and how I've applied myself. It's nice for hard work to pay.

I had a depressing shift at work, yesterday. Just don't like the assistant manager. She's an exploitative personality. She is lazy but has high standards for everyone else. It sucks working for people like that.

It was a shame, after feeling uplifted by the recognition from the other one. 

Felt down today. Lonely but like other people are not good company and I don't get positive energy, from many people. I'm so wary of people. I've been discarded a lot.

Hello diary,

I've been gambling again. Not to the point of destruction but beyond my means. 

I chase dopamine a lot. I really do try to look after myself best I can and to stay positive. I long for loving community. I really do. I feel grateful to have someone but I do wish I had more community.

Anyway, I'm determined not to self-destruct. I've always pulled myself back, I flirt with it. It's frustration, fear and anger, all mixed in. Just wanting to say eff it and stop BEING STRONG. I'm making life much harder for myself than it needs to be, though. 

I'm in perimenopause and don't feel very well a lot of the time. Tense, tired, aching, frazzled. I get what I call hormonal depression because it's very specific. I start worrying and thinking about death a lot. How I don't want to deal with anyone else dying and don't want to die, myself. Scared, fearful. It passes, though. I never like the thought of these things but most of the time I feel like I could handle these things happening. I think it's because I only just get away with functioning as it is, going to work, looking after myself. The thought of a lot more piled on, scares me silly. 

I've never solved these feelings, got to the answer, the cure, the solution. I try to remind myself that doing productive things helps. With that thought, i'll shortly head for the shower.

I'm watching a 93 year old man talking about a healing modality he uses, that seems to really help people. He relieves a lot of suffering. It doesn't matter if it's all in people's heads, I believe him that people report feeling better. He gets a lot done. He could sit and worry about dying, at his age but instead, he's out there, enthusiastically helping other people. I know I have that in me. It used to motivate me a lot. I would love to feel back in touch with that drive again. I think I need deep rest from people and their problems. This is what I suspect. I still love going out of my way to be kind and help people feel happier but it's like energy levels for it are just so low, these days. 

This will pass.

Your right it will pass, just got to be in the best possible place for when it does.

Welcome back btw , 

I feel so tired. I thought I was feeling sorry for myself but I looked at my calendar and I have had 4 periods in 5 weeks. That's pretty legit, really for a fair reason to be struggling with energy. It's a hoot being nearly 45...

I didn't gamble today.

@freda well done no gambling, particularly when coping with what you are. If you haven't already, please consider speaking to your GP. Also have a look at this menopausesupport.co.uk – Supporting You Through Change

Good luck

Jane, Forum Admin

Said I would post about the appointment I had. I wasn't wasting their time. They said I probably do meet the diagnostic criteria. As I suspected, I'm just on the edge of diagnosable. Perhaps some would say otherwise, that's why I've wondered and no-one has mentioned it before now, in a healthcare setting. They don't tend to, with very mild and subtle.

I'm having an emotional day. I'm sick of focusing on myself all the time but I sometimes feel like it takes all of my energy, processing my thoughts and feelings. Especially if someone reacts in a surprising way, to a joke I share, or something. 

It's like my version of reality is faulty, or something and I feel scared and alone because I don't understand other people. I sent a picture of a hand shaped cookie to two friends - neither of whom are particularly religious - and the caption says "Easter cookies - nailed it" it's jam in the centre of a hand. Supposed to be Jesus's hand. Both were quite shocked and I really was confused. It's not saying it's funny to get a nail through your hand, it's just a funny interpretation of making something seasonal, I thought. Just funny cos it's weird. 

Maybe everyone goes through this and I just struggle more with feeling abnormal.

got myself out to a yoga class tonight and did meditation earlier. proud of myself for getting on with some good stuff

Had the third of my asd assessments today. Feel a bit weird about it, as it seems like I'm just on the threshold, the woman isn't sure.

It's quite nuanced, I think. 

Anyway, I know I can't manage what other people can, even though I do my best, so what does a diagnostic label change?

I am who I am. I definitely have some mental and emotional challenges. I just have to do my best.

still waiting for a result re asd diagnosis 

Just out of interest what will change with the diagnosis, you seem a pretty decent and cool human being.......hope you dont change too much. Anyway its been a while so i read a few more posts from you on this page, and although i may be damned for eternity your quip above reminds me of the old `how does Jesus bite his nails` gag. Like i say dont change too much, decent people with a weird sense of humour are few and far between. 

Regards.

Haven't posted for a while. Not going to lie, I haven't been in recovery.

Did get the ASD diagnosis. Only last week, so I am still processing it.

I'm feeling a lot, you know.

The friendship that didn't work out, I gather she has had a diagnosis as well. Makes sense. I'm about to say something extremely honest, now. One of the things we clashed on, was she would be so shaming, if I mentioned I thought someone might be on the spectrum, as an explanation for unusual behaviour. Now... she took offence at that and thought it was a terrible thing to say in polite company. Some people would see it that way and it does indeed fit in with the whole ultra woke ideology that we have to tiptoe around each other because everyone is so fragile.

Personally, I disagree. There's a huge difference between saying you struggle with a behaviour or trait in people and judging that person. Rejecting them because of their diagnosis.

I feel that it's more harmful and so effing confusing to people, to send confusing messages, force yourself to be around them, be annoyed by them but tell them it's not them. Like, some of my autistic traits will be really annoying and difficult for people to be around. I don't expect everyone to enjoy my company. I get it.

I would much rather if I was reaching out to someone, that they were honest and explained that they don't have the capacity to be there at that time, than to avoid me, ignore me, or be exasperated and overwhelmed with me. Worse, hostile and passive aggressive and mean.

So, I made the mistake of being honest around her, because I thought we knew each other well and I'd displayed that I was a decent person and not nasty in intent, at all. I think it's pretty normal, even if not autistic, to be able to be a bit more "real" with close friends. I tried to get her to talk about why she went so hostile whenever I mentioned autism - I'm fairly sure at this point, she just suspected she might be on the spectrum. People suggested to me, that I might be on the spectrum and I was OK with that - because I don't think there's anything wrong with it. That was the thing - if people suggested my feelings might be due to anxiety or depression, I wouldn't be offended. I just did not get why you would hide it from close friends. Her partner was someone who said he wasn't interested in diagnosis, despite often upsetting and hurting people. She said "why does it matter?!" and I explained that intent is a very important component, in dealing with hurtful behaviour. If someone often relates in an unusual way - it's REALLY important to know if they are messing with you intentionally, in a nasty way, or are genuinely unaware.

It also helps people to take care of their own emotional safety. If someone is on the spectrum and that is why they are unintentionally coming off as unkind, they are not good people to talk to when you are feeling very vulnerable. When I first mentioned that I was wary of the "no filter", blunt communication, type of presentation was when I was absolutely on my knees with grief at my husband leaving me. I was just trying to communicate that I didn't have the resilience, at that time, to field tactless bluntness. It's not constructive to be around people I might get angry with more easily because I was in so much pain. It's not a good fit. Not a good combo.

I was actually being extremely transparent about my personality flaws. That I was not able to field very demanding behaviour from anyone, at that time. See, there was this young woman, who was a lovely person. Very good soul. She was open about being on the spectrum. I'd met her in passing, socially and she started commenting on all of my social media posts, asking if she could come along, to the things I was mentioning doing. Like me, I'm sure!, she was extra hard work because she had a lot of needs. She needed - and deserved - to have people be kind and patient with her. I recognised that I could not kindly and politely field that type of intensity, at that point in time. I spoke about how I was struggling as I didn't know how to kindly and respectfully, protect myself from overwhelm.

Literally explicitly expressing concern that I was worried I'd be unkind, in a moment of overwhelm. That I knew that would be hard for her and I didn't want that to happen.

Anyway, that's a very long monologue but it's been good to put it into words. 

I continue to process a lot, this week.

I'm feeling a lot of difficult emotion, this week. Weirdly, I feel so angry but I don't know what I'm angry at/with.

I think it's the realisation of truly how hard I have found "people", all my life. 

What has been coming up a lot, is being ignored and how difficult this is. To me, it's so confusing and makes it difficult to learn, socially.

I think a lot of people don't really pay attention to whether they have responded to people, or not. If I'm met with silence, I am lost in the dark. I don't know if I've annoyed them, if they've just forgotten, if they are trying to distance from me, if they dislike me. If it happens often, I don't trust them. I can't trust them. 

It used to be rarer. It's rampant now. It's really hard work. I don't want to chase after people who don't like me. I'm fine with the idea that a lot of people won't and I'll get on people's wick. Some people get on my wick, so why should it be any different the other way round!

The problem comes when people are very confusing. There's a woman I know, who agreed to a holistic treatment exchange. She keeps mentioning it first - so she's not just feeling awkward, not knowing how to say no to an invitation. She is initiating. I've got really good boundaries with "no's". I don't push and try to persuade people. I said yes, great, here are some dates that are good for me, if they're no good - suggest some more and we'll eventually find a time when good for us both. Then, I won't hear from her at all for months. I don't understand this. Why do that? Like, no reply. No, "I'll have a look and get back to you" Just no response. 

Last time she took ages to respond, I asked if I had done or said anything to upset her and she said no, she would tell me if I had.

Anyway, she called last week and left a voicemail, I called back a couple of minutes later and also got voicemail, so left one - then nothing for days. After a week, I messaged her asking if everything was OK, did she get my voicemail, as I felt a bit confused that I hadn't heard back. I said it doesn't feel good and I'm struggling with it. If something has changed, that's OK but I need to know. Silence is too confusing. After being exasperated with her poor communication a few times in a row, I told her "I am going to struggle to move forward with this dynamic." She called me straight back and said she left another voicemail, that she responded the same day. I'm not sure I believe her.

I don't feel bad for needing to politely say "I've had enough of this" though. Because it has happened repeatedly. If this was the first time, I'd trust the person and presume they'd genuinely forgotten. She genuinely is a nice person but she doesn't seem to have any awareness of how poor she is at responding. The work that goes on for someone like me, when someone is this flaky is exhausting. People are not responsible for my feelings but at the same time, they do need to reciprocate and communicate to a reasonable level. 

Is it just me? If I had been this flaky I would know that the other person is understandably getting sick of this and I need to make an effort to do better, or stop proposing things and let them get on with their life!