Going to keep this thread now!

Awww, lidsy! Thanks, mate. 

I love myself very much. It took 44 years to get here but I do. I've shifted so much over the past week or so, it's like I've lived a miniature lifetime. My trust in myself has been restored. I was influenced by an extremely manipulative, cold, heartless person, who had me doubting my own knowing and wisdom - as well as doubting my basic value. Never again. To expose myself to such disrespect, is a waste of life-force. It's anti-life.

I've been to Glastonbury and back, this week. Was like a cheese dream. Mental. A lot of healing was done, though. I feel like I can access my heart again and can be effective and of service. So grateful!

Good to hear you are on the up!!

You rock Freda.

Cheers Lids,

Appreciate the big up. Will try get into chat tomorrow, just been a busy bee.

Just posting about my feelings and an experience that shook me up a bit.

It just reminded me of my tendency to find anything that feels good, addictive.

I had a snog on Friday night. It was so nice. I didn't initiate it and wouldn't have, as the guy had a girlfriend. I don't feel guilty, it was him who crossed the line. It was really enjoyable though - but do you know what I noticed? it wasn't worth it. It left me wanting more. There's no way I'd go there again because it's wrong. I don't mess around with people who aren't single. So it just caused a lot of frustration in me. It made me feel a bit sad, as well. Instead of being able to enjoy something with someone, see if they wanted to do it again - a selfish man kissed me, it was really flipping good but I can't have any more. Even if he split up with his girlfriend, I wouldn't want to go near him because he can't be trusted. I know this is magical thinking and I can't have reality bent to suit my wants, but I want all of the great kissers to be single and faithful, so I don't have to be in this position! The great kissers should not be bad people! It makes everything harder and more frustrating!

Having said that, maybe it's better to have all the signs explicit, that I must not attach to this man. I can always think of it that way. Saves a lot of time and energy. I miss affection. He wanted to stroke my hair and my back, which was strange in that scenario. He wanted to be affectionate, it wasn't about you-know-what. It was unusual and very confusing. I thinks that's probably what made it feel so good. But no more. Not with him.

There, that's my little rant. I will forget all about it and move on with my life but it stirred up feelings in me that are annoying to have stirred up. I've dealt with it the only way I can. Doing whatever I want, in my imagination, until it leaves my system.

I hate being reminded how sensitive my attachment systems are. It feels vulnerable and scary. 

I'm struggling quite a lot, emotionally, atm but I wanted to write a post about the progress I have made and the wounds I have healed. This helps me when I feel bogged down with what I HAVEN'T healed/overcome yet. 

I don't have to have mastered everything. Progress is OK.

1) I have more control over reacting in anger, now. The best control I've had, in my life. 

2) I'm more trusting of myself, that it's OK to feel angry about things.

3) I feel less responsible for people and distance from them, when I need to, without feeling shame or guilt. There's a woman at the workplace I'm leaving, who has cancer. She is only early 50's and lives alone. A lovely person, who deserves to have support around her. I feel like this is a scary thing to be facing and I want to be supportive of her - but I'm struggling with too much of my own stuff. I forgive myself for not being in contact with her, more.

4) I'm getting more confident at disregarding the judgements of other people. I used to hang around in "woke" circles and have increasingly felt it's getting a bit silly. People accuse you of all kinds of phobias trans, h**o etc. from the slightest imperfectly worded comment. If you don't agree with the wokest attitudes, you're a fasci**. It's immature and silly. They presume the worst of you and judge and shame. Can't be bothered to engage with those people anymore. I trust myself, that it's not me, it's them.

5) I communicate really well with people and it's improved my relationships. I have found ways of saying that I am overwhelmed with my own stuff right now and that I'm sorry I can't be there for them. There is a lot of struggle and suffering out there and I can't support everyone through it.

6) I'm more accepting of my flaws but more discerning with who I talk to, about them. I've been processing how my ex best mate would treat me and speak to me and it was not respectful or kind. She was harsh toward me, while doing worse herself but concealing her stuff. That's so mean and low down.

7) I have compassion for how strong my emotions are. It's really difficult to manage. I feel the appropriate emotions but they stay with me for hours, sometimes a day or more.

8) I've lost weight and since I was overweight, this has helped me feel better and have more energy/feel less tired.

9) I've learned to take responsibility for myself in lots more ways. I'm financially responsible. I save money and maintain a safety net. It helps me to not spiral into despair, if I have to leave a job, due to my mental health.

10) I do things that are good for my soul, like singing in a group. These provide me with feelings of joy.

I gambled on Tuesday. A really stupid thing, was the trigger.

I saw a video on social media of a man who had bought his own fruit machine, for his home. He wanted to show what a rip off they were and how much money you had to put in, to win. Problem was, I started reading the comments and there were people saying they knew people who play them for a living and know how to make money from them. How to hack them. I stupidly started looking up these hacks - spoiler alert - they don't work, surprise surprise! 

I don't know why I got sucked in, by this. Afterwards, I thought - what if these tricks HAD seemed to work? That would be terrible, as I'd get sucked back in to playing them a lot. 

Anyway, I discovered I still struggle to walk away without a win. I play more than I intend to, yada yada. I walked away without a financial loss but will not be going back. Maybe there are people out there who do know the tips and tricks to make money - either way, I'm not going to find that info on the internet. Daft that I even briefly thought I would.

It is what it is.

Hi fredaxxxx

Maybe now youve hit 250 pages of this autobiography of a lovely lady gamcare can print it and put it in waterstones !!!!

c u on chat soon xx

Aww, adam your kind nature is balm for the heart. Thank you xx

Hi Freda,

Sorry to hear you’re a little below par tonight and hope you ascend a little to rise a little above it 🙂 

Wishing you well.

Thanks, guys

I'm really low at the moment. Struggling with my mental health, massively.

I feel shaky and I'm not sleeping well. I want to hide in my house and garden today but I have work. I just want to cry and cry.

It can be really really difficult, stressful and tiring having to put your “game face” when going to work yet feeling c**P inside.

But, although it’s the last thing you feel like right now (getting out and meeting people) it’s a positive outcome, because when we hide away we can only but accentuate and embed how we’re really feeling.

I know you know all this, of course. But anything I can add as a possible “+1” today I’ll certainly give a try!

We’re all thinking of you and - without a doubt - with you, Freda.

@freda

Hi freda,

Thanks for sharing how you feel with us.  I hear you not wanting to go to work and staying at home today, that sounds difficult to manage having to go in when you’re feeling so bad, and lack of sleep never helps. Do reach out to the helpline if you need to, perhaps join the chats tonight if you can and get some support from folks if it’s hard to find your usual coping strategies?,  or your GP if that is a helpful option. The Samaritans are always a good option too Contact Us | Samaritans Take care of yourself and hope you have an uplift soon.

Best Wishes

Jane

Forum Admin

You should be really proud of yourself for being so self aware about how this negatively impacts you, and you should be so, so proud that you’ve kept this journal going. No matter what, there is 250 pages of documentation of your efforts, motivations, and successes. 

I hope you feel better soon. You’re motivating me!

Thanks everyone, that's really kind.

I went to work and started crying before I got there. I had a good sob, upstairs in the staff area for 5 minutes and that got enough out for me to be able to function a bit but I was still in tears when I started. They let me unpack the delivery out the back, so I could settle myself.

I haven't got a clue what is going on at work. It's a shoe shop and it's chaos. Every shift something has changed and there are boxes of shoes piled everywhere. I find it hard to take in instructions at the moment, so the managers have to keep repeating things to me. You start doing something, then put it down about five times, when customers want something. It's hard to get anything done, or remember what the heck you were doing, before you got interrupted.

I feel really thick when I'm there. I'm quite academically intelligent but l can't figure this place out. So that isn't helping.

I've got an out of hours appointment tomorrow with a GP but they don't really seem to be able to do anything. That was certainly the gist last time I went for help. 

I feel like I'm in a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I don't feel "safe". Inside my body I feel afraid, like it's not going to be OK. Like something bad is going to happen.

I feel like I'm just about keeping it together and if anything bad happened, I don't know if I'd be able to deal with it. I'm starting to have thoughts that it's all deliberate. That we are being put under increasing pressure, until we break.

I'm too hot a lot of the time and my body aches. 

I'm really limited to what I can watch. If there's any negativity or doom in it, it's too much for me. 

I think the worst part is not sleeping very well. I'm lucky that usually, I sleep well. So whatever else I'm dealing with, I am not tired. Lately, I've had a few sleepless nights, or I wake up after a few hours, despite being knackered. Then I can't get back to sleep.

I slept well, last night. I'm so pleased! I'm just lazing around today but think I'll go to the gym later, as it does me good.