Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda,

just dropping in to say well done on the job,

stay safe and have a great weekend.

green x

Hi Freda

Thank you for your post on my diary, hope you are ok! You made me laugh, anyway brief post today, hope you have good gamble free weekend..

take care, ands xx

thanks i do what to stop and i will

My head is done in today. Just want R to give me a hug, but hes not here.

My confidence is so low in work situations that I instantly feel nervous and out of my depth.

Anyway, today was the first day of our course. I was so nervous and just felt I was doing everything wrong. Im not even sure what is expected of me. I just dont like situations where my role isnt clear. I get the feeling everyone else is making things up as they go along as well.

I guess deep down I know its not my fault, Ive only felt like this once before in a job. I always feel like this when there is no proper training, and you are left unsure of what the heck you are there for. Then people make out it was obvious all along, and try to pass the blame - why didnt you ask if you werent sure? but where would you start? what is my job??!!

Its fine. Its a made up job, for 4 hours a week. I will have to leave it anyway when I get my start date for the school crossing patrol. I just feel lost when Im there, and its not good for my self confidence. So for the time being, every Friday afternoon my head is done in.

Anyway, other than that Im fine. Just ranting on my diary as im on my own. Is horrible when your head is done in and you have no one to talk to about it.

Hi Freda,

Sorry to hear that they keep doing your head in at work. Hopefully R will be round later to snuggle the blues away. Thanks for your support as always, you have helped me so much in the last 4 1/2 months and made me laugh along the way.

Take care,

DT.

Hi Freda,

I read about your anxieties with work. I just wanted to say that i share similar issues. I am not great at coping when things are not clear with what i need to do and when collegues may have different outlooks and personalities that i struggle to relate to .

The ideal job for me is simply coming to work and knowing what i need to get on with and quietly getting on with it. The icing on the cake is being in an environment with like minded others and having a laugh when the moment allows.

I went part-time in my job because I simply wasnt coping and for the most part it was a good move. Its certainly not all about money.. psychological health is much more important.

Great stuff on the lollipop lady by the way am sure the kids will love you as you usher them across the road. Take care... S.A 🙂

Went to see a fireworks display at the beach last night! It was beautiful!

I love fireworks. R wasn't bothered about it, but when we went home he said he was really glad i dragged him along cos he enjoyed it!

For me, last night showed me that my nerves are healing well. I was a bit shaken up afterward, but coped with it. I faced many difficult things simultaneously last night - loud bangs, screeching teenagers, and a massive crowd of people.

I am grateful that gradually, I am becoming able to enjoy these things again (well maybe not the teenagers).

Today I wont gamble, honest guv!

Morning Freda,

Thanks for the reassurance, it was just what I needed this morning, was great to login and feel so supported. Feeling much more positive as a result.

Pleased to hear you were out and about at the weekend, you are making great strides, just keep making them.

Be good,

DT.

Another day at my boring course...

Its not that bad actually, but is a subject that is pretty useless to me. Its about volunteering for large events, which is very random...

I have absolutely no intention of volunteering at any large events, so hard to stay motivated. It does however, come with a proper city and guilds qualification at the end. It is also one of the only free courses around at the moment.

The government has massively cut funding for adult education classes. You used to be able to do allsorts for free. At the minute all you can do is basic numeracy and literacy which is learning to read and write and do basic sums.

However, come January I will have more choice of courses that are free as you qualify for more when you are on housing benefit.

Still nothing in the post regarding the job offer which is annoying. I feel like a lot of things in my life are up in the air at the moment and im not enjoying the feeling.

Nevermind eh? today I havent gambled even though Ive eaten loads of cake!

Had a really good day yesterday,

one of those days where everything clicks into place. Enjoyed people's company and felt good about myself.

Started my counselling and cried my eyes out, but in a good way! Im optimistic that this is going to really help me. Ive just built up so much fear about the future that I need to work through it before I can move on.

Had a nice chat at a group i sometimes go to, and had a nice game of chess. Then I went to see the monk on the evening, except it turned out another lady was doing the class. I really enjoyed it. Felt very peaceful and happy when I was meditating.

Was over-tired from doing so much when I got home, and had some trouble with anxiety on the journey back, but coped with it well - without resorting to taking any meds to manage it.

Feeling much better about things in general, but still slightly apprehensive. Will feel much better when things are more settled I think.

Hi Freda,

just passing through, and nice to see you had a good day, makes me happy to see people getting through there own battles, some big some small, but winning the fight

really related to your last post to ands, food for thought for me and reminds me we all think in a similar way, gambler or not.

keep up the positive vibe Freda.

green x

Hi Freda

Glad you are having a positive time 🙂

I am back at work and altho tired I feel much better about than I thought. I think it was one of those times that thinking about it was worse than actually doing it.

Thank you so much for your post, it gave me a warm glow just when I needed it.

Looking forward to an early night, no work tomorrow as I do Monday to Thursday.

Take care

love

Wxx

Hi Freda

Just wanted to pop and say hi, nice last post, smiled whilst reading that! Thanks for the post on my diary, i think i have normality returning to my life without the dramas gambling used to cause me...I have packed my counselling in for a little time it was just so emotionally hard for me, why im saying this on your diary i dont know, lol..sorry, reckon you understand tho!

Anyway dribble over glad your ok, take care..ands xx

Hi Freda,

Pleased to hear that the good days are getting more frequent. You are doing just great, I truly wish you all the best in your recovery,

Take care,

DT.

Got asked if Id be interested in teaching a jewellery making class at work today - was nice.

Heres me thinking they all probably think im a right numpty, and always cocking everything up, and they go and offer me more work!

Proof positive that im paranoid 😉

Was reassuring. However one of the girls at work been funny with me lately. No idea why, but do you know what is nice - Im not worried about it. If people take a huff with you without telling you why, then thats unreasonable and silly. I used to feel desperate to please and keep on the good side of everyone, but is nice to see that I have let that go now.

It isnt always possible to keep people happy. Waste of energy pandering to unreasonable peoples whims and fancies.

Anyways, dont mean to sound blase but cant remember how many weeks Ive been clean now. Over 5 months i think, with one small lapse.

Time to pat myself on the back i think!