Going to keep this thread now!

Just checking in to post a catch up,

Not really got much to say. Been trundling on, no letter about my new job yet, thats the council for you!

Still getting on with my course on a Monday, isn't challenging intellectually, but is a good way to add structure to my week and improve my ability to be around people and improve my confidence.

Still 'clean' so to speak, although I did put 3 lines on the lotto on Saturday. Its something to watch, but Im sure I will be fine. Ive got my counselling sorted now, so am feeling much better as I know it will work.

Looking forward to feeling increasingly better, although it will be a gradual thing.

Apologies for not posting on others diaries for a while - in all honesty its just selfishness! cant be bothered at the minute, and purposely not getting involved with new members on the forum. Just dont feel i need this place as much as I did in the beginning. Am still sticking around though and reading the odd bits, as I remember people further down the road saying that not staying in touch with gamblings consequences can lead to relapse.

Went into the amusements at the beach yesterday and played for a good half hour.

I knew what I was doing, and didn't make any effort to resist. I was feeling bored and lonely.

Not much damage done financially, but Im slipping back into it gradually. Time to apply more effort I think.

Had counselling yesterday, and spoke about my anger for the first time in ages. I think it scared me.

Still haven't got washed or dressed yet today. Feel like hiding. I have such swings in emotion and perspective its exhausting. Can go from feeling optimistic about the future, to feeling desolate within the same week.

Hi Freda,

hope your not to low after your slip in the arcades. I can totally relate to your feelings of optimism and feeling down in the same week, i can feel like that hour by hour sometimes, almost as if my mind has a constant battle going on with the happy me, and the sad me.

During my recovery with all the ups and downs the one thing i honestly believe helps is 'basic' but good and thats keeping busy, i know easier said than done at times, but the highs and lows for me are more manageable when i have somthing/anything to do.

The future is bright for you Freda, it's just hard to see some days when the gloom hangs over us.

Anyhow I'm off again talking rubbish. keep going Freda, keep fighting, the slip is a lesson learnt.

green x

Hi Freda,

Likewise I totally relate to where you are coming from. Feelings of intense loneliness were certainly a big trigger for me. The familiarity and ever presence of the machines were my way of blocking it all out. atleast while I was in action. Its taken me many years to come to terms with and deal with feelings of loneliness and not use gambling as a comfort and its still one day at a time.

I'd imagine that the emotions brought up through counselling and perhaps also familiar names posting less here in the diaries has not helped. So you know.. in light of all of that.. go easy on yourself. Like green says.. a slip is a lesson learnt. take care..keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Thank you SA and green,

Im feeling ok about the minor slip the other day. Its not ideal, but I guess its a learning curve. I used to deal with all of my difficult emotions in front of a fruit machine - wait, did i say 'deal with', should have said 'block out'. Now I deal with the vast majority of them here in reality, with everyone else.

Had a testing day today, just felt like a clumsy oaf! At times I couldn't string a sentence together properly, and this is when I realise how much self-doubt I have acquired.

Im working through it and getting there bit by bit, but is scary for me when it suddenly hits me how vulnerable and small I have begun to feel in recent years.

Anyway, going to get a decent meal inside me. Then meditation, and a spot of chat later on I think.

Today has been the first day since starting my teaching support work, that I haven't taken a tranquiliser to steady my nerves. So even though Im still shaky on my feet, progress is being made 🙂

Hi Freda

Thank you for posting on my diary, sorry to read about your minor slip, but would appear you have taken something positive out of it, which is good to read! I know how painful my one and only slip was, i beat myself up about it for ages, please dont do the same....

Can totally relate to self doubt, lack of confidence and low levels of self esteme, in time these will come back and the mood swings will level out... I hope anyway!

Hope you enjoyed your meditation last night and hope you have a good gamble free weekend..

Take care Freda, ands xx

ps, that was a long post for me, sorry, lol!

Hi Freda,

Just caught up on your diary...read about your slip and at least you posted on here honestly about it! Slips happen and that is a fact so try not to get too hung up about it.

Teaching support? Is that in a school? Sounds interesting...know what you mean about calming the old nerves. I do quite a few talks and demonstrations with my floristry and although I have been doing it for years I still get nervous as hell. I've learnt not to point this out to people now as I found that telling someone I felt nervous actually made it worse. Now I feel nervous but noone would ever know. Soz for rambling.

Always in my thoughts....Jas xx

Hi Freda,

Credit to you for your honest diary, you are doing so well and it is hard but your progress is noticeable, and as stress decreases, coping increases and you are doing just great.

Keep going girl,

Take care,

DT.

Glad to see you still posting on here Freda and seeming to get a lot of good times at the moment after the downs of gambling addiction.

The odd slip is, I guess, inevitable over the lifetime post-quitting and as long as you deal with it positively, which through being honest with yourself on here you must be, then it shouldn't be anything to beat yourself up about!

Take care Freda!

Mikey

Was feeling really sorry for myself on Friday night, was in one of those moods where I just needed looking after. Desperately wanted a hug!

R was staying at his Dads, so I was on my tod feeling a bit lonely. Started getting horrible stomach cramps and feeling really sick - then from midnight onward I was up every hour throwing up! Must have caught a bug or something. Was so glad to see R on Saturday, and he was an absolute star. He looked after me brilliantly, and I realised how lucky I am 🙂

I get really whiney when Im ill, but it doesn't make me a bad person! He never has a go at me, or tells me not to be so pathetic. Thats love. I love my new little family, we are not mad. We are nice to each other, its gorgeous.

Stopped in today. Was supposed to go for a jobcentre appointment to find out where I stand with my new job - as I want to come off my benefits, but it only pays part-time for 39 weeks a year. Its been getting to me a bit, not knowing - but my sickness seems to have turned into something rather more unpleasant, if you know what I mean. So Im having a duvet day!

I went and got our wedding bands the other day, was very exciting! It made me smile to notice how embarrassed and uncomfortable I was with the attention from the jewellers ladies, who were being very sweet and kind asking me all about my wedding. They made a big fuss, but I felt embarrassed. This made me smile because if you ask some people who claim to know me, I am a selfish attention-seeking drama-queen type monster, who would love that sort of thing!

Right there, on my own in the jewellery store, where no one was looking, I could have lapped it up. I could have spent ages boring them with details of my upcoming nuptials. But I didn't. Because thats not me. I was blushing and feeling quite anxious. It is during moments like that, when you become truly aware of all the b*llshit people try to tell you about who you are, and why that makes you a bad person.

I think it is something that they say in gangsta rap songs, but I feel it is quite apt - f**k the haters!

I know who I am, and so does my future husband.

Hello Freda

Thank you for posting on my diary, your a sweety¬ Your hubby to be is a lucky man, anyway i hope you are ok, dont realy know what to say after reading your last post, nothing new there tho, lol... The single dads group i went to was quite funny realy there was only one other dad there and me, so it was cancelled. Another one is lined up for middle of next month so if not working i will go again!

Are you still going to your counselling?? do you find it helpful?? i have packed mine in, for now, found it realy quite emotionally hard...Still on the meds and my mood is lifting...

Anyway Freda, you take care of yourself and thanks again forall your support and kind words, means alot to little old me....ands xx

Hi f. Thanks for the post

Sluggish, too right.

Still so sluggish!

Im dying to get back to some proper exercise as it gives my energy levels a boosting. I tried 5-10 minutes on my stepper last night but ended up feeling like I was going to throw up!

Is just the stomach bug lingering on I think. I havent been sick since Saturday morning, but still feel queasy and exercise makes it worse :-/

Had a bit of a funny appointment at the job centre today. Was asking for information about some earnings top up for when I start my new job, and the woman couldn't answer many of my questions. I was expressing how frustrating I find the whole benefit system and how the government operate, and made it clear that my frustration wasn't with her personally. Anyway, she was really defensive and touchy and started talking down to me. You know when someone sort of talks as if they are telling you off. It really got my back up, I just didnt feel she had a very nice attitude toward me. Anyway, I ended up saying I didn't want to talk to her about it any longer and walked out.

I didn't lose my temper or raise my voice, but I just knew there was no point talking to her anymore. She had clearly made her mind up about me, and I felt too angry and frustrated to continue a civil conversation.

She was just so shirty and hostile. I bet she reads the daily mail and wants to bring back corporal punishment. They must get a lot of abuse in that place, and its bound to make you quite defensive. If you end up treating everyone as if they are thick though, its probably time to call it a day.

Went to my counselling later, and it turns out that people not listening to me and being all arsey and rude, is something I have always found hurtful.

Anyway, gambling doesn't seem to come into my head much anymore when Im upset. Thats a good thing.

Im going to see someone different at the jobby tomorrow, so hopefully he wont be a P***k as well.

Hi Freda hope you get somewhere withthe job centre you deserve a good break after what you have been through, but hey what do job centre people know. We know you are a real tryer and that you have so much guts to get recovery into place. A quality you probably can't share but one i relate to hun you always give me guidance and i appreciate it so keep it up Freda speak soon.

Hi Freda

Thanks for the lovely post, I do read mcuh more than posting these days.

Shame you had a bad experience but its how you react that matter so dont let the b8888s grind you down. I think you are being realy positve lately despite getting a nasty bug.

Keep trucking hun

Take care

W xx