Going to keep this thread now!

DT the irony is palpable - Ive decided not to go!

Just met my mum today, who told me how my eldest nephew wanted to call me to say thank you on his birthday but then said 'oh but im not supposed to', at which point my eldest brother said 'yes you can' where does a little boy get that from if he hasnt been previously told not to ring me? Of course my brother wouldnt have the bottle to admit he'd said that in front of my mum, so he covered over.

I was happy til i met up with my mum. Why she thought I would want to hear that when Im recovering from a nervous breakdown is beyond me. They are just very strange people.

Im going to talk to R tonight and ask if we can just marry with 2 witnesses. I know I shouldnt let them upset me, but they do. I dont want to risk my wedding day being really distressing because someone has said something stupid to me, then pretended like its perfectly normal. I trust R's family not to act mental, but you cant invite one side and not the other. Well you can, but Im not letting them force me to make a statement like that.

I am genuinely much happier without my family in my life. Theres not an ounce of bitterness in that statement, and I wish them all the best, but I dont want to be part of it any longer. I choose happiness.

Ive just had the worst panic attack in months today, and guess what sprung to mind how to deal with it? Thankfully I didnt succum, but seriously life is far too short to spend it hyperventilating.

Thank Buddha for netline,

thats all i can say.

Family? f 'em. 🙂

The universe sent me something inspirational today,

To help me keep perspective. I have felt a lot of pain today. My friend who I used to work for had offered to give me a reference for my new job. My new employer rang me to say it hadnt come back, and could i chase it up?

I sent her a message saying not to worry if she just didnt have time, as I knew she was expecting her first grandchild soon and would be mega-busy. She replied saying that she had sent it off and was really sorry for taking a while, but her grandchild had arrived a little early and had health problems.

How touching that someone still did that for me, when her family are going through hell. What a lovely woman. I had no idea and felt awful. She has had a very hard life already with loads of tragedy and a newborn grandchild needing an op on his little heart.

Gave me perspective. I am very lucky. Hurting yes, but lucky. I sent her a thank you card with a gift voucher, so she can treat herself. Sometimes little things like that can just lift your heart a bit. Kindness. Hope it does.

I want to use my energies on kindness, not bitterness and fighting losing battles.

Hi Freda

Thanks as always for your post on my diary, sorry to read your last few posts...Families ay, either love them or loathe them! I loathe mine.. Small touches in life go a long way...

Anyway thanks again, take care and keep battling away! ands xx

ps, i dont think i am stronger than you, lol!

Hi Freda

Thanks for your post on my diary. I will take all the advice I can get right now.

Just read your last few post. You're right in that the small acts of kindness can mean an awful lot. Feel the same about people taking the time to respond on here and in chat.

Have a good weekend.

Thanks again

M

My head has been done in today.

You know when you are hurting emotionally and it sits there churning away all day? I was quite busy this morning at work, so I forgot about the upsets of yesterday. Then as soon as Id finish a task it'd come rushing back into my head. Ive been useless, staring at paperwork baffled as to what I needed to do. Just cant concentrate on anything.

Its times like this when I miss R most. Was really hard last night not getting a cuddle from him.

I really wish that hearing about family cr** didn't instantly make me crumble. I just cant cope with hearing all the who said what about who.

I was getting much stronger, and more resilient to the family nonsense, then I feel as if Im back to square one. Feeling like a naughty child whos been rejected by everyone.

Nevermind, after Christmas I wont have to see them til May. Im not even going to go at Christmas if I dont feel strong enough. Its just not worth making myself ill over.

Im on my own again tonight, so am glad that there is a chat session on. Im going to try and book a massage treatment as well for next week, I need to look after myself at the moment.

I just feel so needy at the moment, like I need a lot of support. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

Over the past week or so, Ive been buying scratchcards. I hadnt bought a scratchcard in years, and Ive been thinking about why I have begun to do this. I know its not healthy for me, what with being a cg. Hardly gambling binges, but the odd one here and there is still a problem.

I need to take responsibility for this. I have figured out why this form of gambling has suddenly seemed like a good idea. My father, who knows I am a compulsive gambler, was boasting to me about how often he wins on them. It has made me realise how susceptible I am to suggestion.

Its still not my dads fault that I gambled this week, although it is rather insensitive and stupid for him to boast about his winning.

It is my fault. I was not on my guard, and let the suggestion go into my brain unchecked. It sat there, niggling away at me, and I tried to ignore it.

There is a very messed up dynamic in my family. We all seem to need each other to fail. We all have low self esteem, and are very angry people. Im included in that. A part of me loves it when my brothers act like P****s, because then I can be 'right'. 'I told you they were a-holes' 'look what they have done now'. Im working very hard on letting go of my anger toward my family, with limited success.

I think on some level, my Dad wants me to fail. If I start gambling again, and get into trouble - he can come to the rescue, and enjoy telling everyone how I can't cope. How I need him to help me out. How I am wrong, and he is right.

Its somewhat of a catch-22. My defiant side wants to prove him wrong, and not give him the satisfaction of having the moral high ground. This would help me resist gambling for sure. However, I would like to get to a place where I dont give a hoot what he thinks.

I wish I didnt care what my family think of me, but I do.

Freda just read about your thoughts obout your family. Surely it is what you think about yourself that counts and how much you liked the person who is sorting your gambling out. I think you should like yourself a whole lot more you deserve your own attention. Be your own praiser and let us support you as you have supported many people in here. Take care Freda and speak soon in chat.

Really peed off that chat isnt on.

Im so neurotic today.

I feel really isolated and my thoughts are festering and turning in on myself. I am so angry today, and its making me think nasty bitter thoughts.

I think thats why Im down on myself, I keep thinking a nice person wouldn't think like this.

Morning Freda,

I hope you are feeling a little better today.

I know what you mean about the scratchards......I personally can't buy anything like that.....because it just grows into a monster! Have you seen the ads for Christmas.....give your loved ones a scratchcard for a Chrtmas pressie......it shows money flying out of drawers etc....it's obscene.

Take care of yourself Freda...Jas x

Hi Freda,

Just been reading your last few posts. Families eh.. what we gonna do with them. Must admit ive just had a call from my dad.. he left a message on my voicemail.. we havent spoken for several months.. he sounded so disappointed like he often does in a voicemail. Am pacing around trying to gather the mental energy to pick up the phone. Families dynamics eh.. they have such a profound impact.

I hope your feeling a little more settled in your self today. The scratch card thing... a stress reaction.. keep it under review.. it doesnt have to grow into a monster.. though it always did with me. Keep safe.. S.A 🙂

P.s catch you in chat sometime.

Hi f. Looks as though you found some good folk @ SH :).

My brother has just been on the phone ranting and raving to me and my Dad. It was extremely upsetting, and when I asked if we could talk about this when he was calmer he said ' if you hang up on me now, im never speaking to you again '. What can you do? What a bully.

Even though Im really upset and shaken up at having a tirade of abuse launched at me, Im glad he has done this and my father has witnessed it. He tries to tell me how my parents think im horrible but are too scared to tell me that, because I will kick off. Trying to make me think that my whole family hate me. That is extremely low.

Enough is definitely enough. I dont want anything else to do with him. I feel happy that he has shown his true colours today, because I can now neglect to invite him to my wedding. My dad says he will back me up that it is for a valid reason, as he has witnessed his abusive behaviour today.

Unfortunately, I am probably not going to be able to see his kids anymore because its just not good for them to see their dad this angry.

Im sure when they are older and able to come and visit themselves, they will do.

He has called me all of the names under the sun today, and I am certain that he will never apologise for this. I am fairly sure he will deny saying most of the nasty things he has said. Its perfectly normal to feel angry about this. I deserve an apology and if I dont get one, its unreasonable to expect me to act as if nothing happened.

My family go around telling each other what other family members have said and done, and thats just dangerous. Particularly when he is making things up.

I dont want any part of it anymore.

I seem to be doing well not blaming myself for the anger that was sent my way by my brother, but it has stayed with me all day.

Hard when people call you certain names or accuse you of things, for that to not keep whirling around in your head.

Im finding it hard to concentrate on anything today, and dont really feel like eating. I wish these things didnt have such an effect on me. My nerves are jangling.

Hope chat is on tonight, could do with some support.