Going to keep this thread now!

I had a great day yesterday, and found myself regularly thinking 'god, i feel really happy today'

I feel really grateful to have had an experience like that, so i have a recent memory of real happiness that doesnt involve gambling. I will remind myself of this feeling at weaker moments.

It was such a simple day out, which makes it all the better. We didnt have to spend a lot of money, or do anything special. We just went to the beach, had a game of chess in the sunshine, went for a beer, a bag of chips, then a mooch around a local flea market. Perfect!

I did think about putting £1 on the lottery last night, because for me the main problem seems to be gambling that gets an instant buzz going like scratch cards, online bingo, arcade machines etc. Half the time i put on the lottery, then forget to check the numbers! However, I just thought better safe than sorry, I'll see how i feel next week. I was concerned that if i won anything, even if it was just a tenner, that would bring the buzz back a bit. Maybe the lottery usually isnt a problem cos i hardly ever win... Im starting to understand how winning can be a bad thing if it sets you off feeling buzzing again.

Freda

I'm with you on this one. You had a great day, had a little temptation to buy that lottery ticket, but walked away from it.

Best thing you could do in my opinion so well done for that.

As you said winning even a tenner might just have pushed you back into gambling mode.

Having recently let a moment of complacency set me back I am now feeling that it's best to avoid all forms of gambling - even the £1 lottery ticket that may seem a bit of innocent fun.

Keep up the good work.

David

freda im soooo happy you had such a good day!!! wow, simple things ay, dont know bout u but couldnt ever rest or settle to do things like that while i was gambling, was alwarys too worried bout the money or how much i had lost etc.

well done you on avoiding the lottery ticket to, like u say its still gambling and that £1 probably paid for your chips lol

hugs and ty for your support

G xxxxx

Hi Freda

Glad you had a fab day... and it's so true.

There are so many things in life that are free or cost very little.

I glad you understand the mechanics of this addiction.

Yup, that lottory ticket could quite easily trigger the need to gamble.

Any form of gambling could. I am glad you resisted. But I am even more glad that you realise why you need to resist.(hope that makes sense)

You're having a mammoth task ahead of you if you are attempting to read all of my diary. Have fun!!!

Glad to hear that you are so much more calm then you were not so long ago.

And you are contemplating going to a G.A. meeting. That's great. Just stay safe!

ODAAT

God Bless

Charly

Hi Freda

Hope you are ok, thanks so much for all your support and postings on my diary. Dont realy know what to say, your doing so very well in your recovery and you seem such a sweety. Thanks again Freda i hope things continue well for you. I be thinking of you! there are so many sweet genuine people on this site it kinda amazes me. andrew x x

Freda,

Thanks for your continued messages of support and well done on your continued recovery. Agree with determined dave about the lottery, I would buy 1 ticket and within 24 hours be making a fool of myself online again(if I had any money which I don't), so well done you for acknowledging the consequences.

Good luck and thankyou,

DT

Hi Freda

Just wanted to thank you for all your caring supportive posts on my diary, means a lot. You always seem to give me a lot to think about too, anyway take care freda and well done on your recovery, you have alot of inner strengh and you are doing so very well. ands x x

Hi Freda

Thanks for posting on my diary.

Hope that all is going well with you this week.

Do post and let us know how you are getting on.

David

Hi Freda,

How's things?Good I hope.I know you said some time back to everyone not to say thanks for posting on our diaries but, never having been one to do what she's told 'thanks for your post on my diary'

From your last post, you seem a million times happier and more contented than when you first wrote on here.Well done.

The debts don't go away overnight but I think once you get back to a better place in your mind, they're a whole lot easier to cope with.

Won't rant on tonight as loads of boring housework to catch up on.

Take care

Kay x

Still gamble free.

Its been over 3 weeks now. Its easy most of the time to not gamble, the only catch is, I am now aware of all of my emotions good and bad.

As a relatively new inhabitant of reality, Im struggling to settle in...

Ive been running away from my fear of failure, and feelings of inadequacy. Ive been unable to hold a job down for years, and am afraid that I'll never be able to cope with work.

Im ok when people are polite and respectful to me, but that doesn't always happen in a workplace. Im just so raw and fragile. My self esteem is very low (i just wrote 'quite low' then decided to be honest, and corrected it). When people are rude, aggressive, or treat me like I'm stupid, I just cant cope. I either have a panic attack, or burst into tears.

I wish I could develop a thicker skin, I hate being so sensitive. I also feel too deeply for other people. When someone is hurting, I can feel their pain. Because of this, Ive become very anxious and withdrawn. I cant watch the news anymore, because it is so upsetting. I really hope that this is just depression talking, and that when Im feeling better myself, I'll be more robust.

So reality for me at the moment, is fear and vulnerability.

Im going to catch up reading everyones diaries in a couple of days. Today its too hard. I really hope that part of this is just lady hormones, lol, then I know everything will seem better in a few days.

Ive got my gambling counselling tomorrow, and will probably be a mess. Better out than in though!

Freda

Please take some comfort from me with the fact that I tell you are not unique in your feelings.

Poeple that are sensitive and totally genuine are more easily hurt by so many of the things that life can throw at us than others who have 'thicker skins'.

Many of the things you have said in your last post I can readily relate to. Yes, I too in the past have had the panic attacks and other feeilngs you mention (not through gambling related problems at that time) and I sympathise with you . I really do know what it is like - you think sometimes you are going to die.

Why when we are of that nature do we go and add more stress to our lives by gambling?

I wish I knew why?

Anyway, just wanted to say there are others who really understand.

David

Hi Freda

Sorry to hear you are feeling so wobbly at the moment, you are doing so well in your recovery. Please dont be concerned with me, like all on this forum, i will get through this and so will you. You have given me so much inspiration from day 1 you gave me support on my very first time in chat, Believe me freda im very grateful to you and others on this forum. I will get in the position where i can return all the good you have given me.

Take care freda and i too will be thinking about you. ands xxx

Feeling much better this evening. Felt very low again this morning, and made a decision not to go to my counselling session.

Its not that I am avoiding the difficult emotions that counselling brings out, but in the past when Ive felt this low, i cant seem to think rationally at all. I cant keep things in perspective, so when I start to talk about difficult issues I become very distressed and it feels overwhelming.

When I spoke to the counsellor on the phone, she said I did sound very flat and that i seem to have a very good self-awareness. She seemed to understand why its counter-productive for me to talk about my feelings when Im very low, and was happy to pick things up again next week.

So today has been a very low-key affair. Ive stopped counting the days now, but its been over 3 weeks since i gambled last.

I think im at the stage now, where the permanancy of the decision Ive made is sinking in. At first i was so preoccupied with getting through the first few days, and dealing with cravings. Now its about coming to terms with reality now the dust has settled.

Im feeling confident that one day at a time I can maintain this new lifestyle.

Freda,

Your post about emotions and dealing with society really hit home hard with me. 18 months ago I was working in as a salesman with a company car, good salary, house 40k in the bank and my wife k had a gorgeous audi tt(paid for) parked outside. I felt very unhappy at work, I was bringing in 50% of the company's turnover and being treated very badly. I was waking up in the morning and crying before I went to work, but I still went, I have always worked.

One day, because of the stress I was under I had an argument with a customer, when my sales director(who was useless, old and hated me) found out, he gave me a final warning without even listening to my side of the story.

I told them I did not want to work there any more and I walked. Had 1 month paid leave at home and got another job with good salary. Started to drink/gamble a bit more in this 1 month but nothing too damaging, have always gambled, have always had a degree of debt, but not out of control.

Anyhoo, started at my new company and the sales director wanted me to cold call to new companies I did not know, whereas I had existing cutomers to bring and this was not discussed when I was employed. After 1 day I sat down with her and said i did not need to cold call or have sales training(she was sitting beside me listening), she said I did, and it was her way or the highway. I took the highway.

That was october 2007 and I have not worked since. My sometimes fragile confidence has disappeared completely in that time. In october 2007 me and my wife decided to sell our house and try a new life in spain - midlife crisis or what. We sold everything we owned, including her car and set out for some relatives of k's who live on the costa blanca. I have always had a fear of flying and cannot go on planes now, so we had to drive.

Before getting in the hire car, me and k laid on our bed in a hotel in france and cried because we did not want to go, we did not know whay we were doing. Got the hire car and I was so distressed that I could not drive, K had to drive 2200km with me sitting in the front seat shouting and screaming at traffic because I was losing the plot. When we arrived in spain i had a fear of lorries, mountains, bridges, tall buildings, u name it. Sounds stupid now but i was so distressed going over the border between france and spain that we nearly turned back, i wish we had.

Hated spain, hated kirstys relatives, was so stressed from the journey that we cried for the first 2 days solidly. We wanted our home back and we could not have it. Decided not to stay in spain after 3 days and booked into a hotel for a month to try and have a good time.

Because I knew I was going home, i had nightmares every night about mountains and bridges and could not walk around the town we were staying in because of the tall buildings.

Eventually got home, asked to stay at my parents for a few days, they weren't remotely interested, but later on when we talked to them they said they were offended we hadn't stayed, they are mental.

went to leamington spa, a town we both liked, for a break and decided to move there and start a new life.

Rented a gorgeous apartment, filled it with stuff, sky hd, etc and we were on our way. Except my confidence was so low that I found it hard to leave the flat and when I did it was only to the pub. K got part -time work and I stayed at home playing poker to pass the time and betting on the horses.

I did well to start with and we had 50k in the bank so were not too worried.

We decided I was going to give it a go as a professional gambler a life-long ambition of mine. K worked and I sat at home doing the horses.

It started well and in the first few months, i genuinely made £4000 with disciplined betting on the horses. However because I was spending so much time alone I became even more withdrawn and anxious, could not feed myself(still cant would u believe,if k was not here i think i would starve to death), and began to put on weight.

I had a few reverses on the horses and started lying about it, saying I had won when I had actually lost, i did now want K to know that I wasn't doing that well.

Everything then spiralled so quickly that it does now seem real, my stakes got higher and higher, losses were massive, I spent all our money and all the credit (38K) that I had access to in a 5 month period. I still cannot believe it happenned so quickly.

Today as you know, I am not working, cannot feed myself, am nearly 2st overweight, have no confidence at all, cannot see when I will work again and have tested my wife to the limit of any human's patience. Oh and I will probably have to go bankrupt too.

This all started because my self-esteem has been shaky and because I did not stick up for myself in a work environment, I have ended up here. I sometimes feel that I am just so oversensitive to the world around me that I do not belong in it. How does everyone else cope? I just don't know sometimes.

However this site has helped me in the last month, and i am beginning to feel positive about the future, will just have to work at it i guess, day by day.

I don't honestly know why I have told you all this freda(kirsty), but I hope it helps you that you are not alone.

I think it might be because my wife's name is kirsty too.

Good luck to you.

DT