Going to keep this thread now!

Feeling a lot better. Didnt feel up to chat which was a shame, but managed to shush my mind a bit from whirling round.

Have felt sick all day,

Is bizarrre knowing there is someone somewhere, so P**sed off with you that they are literally shaking with fury. Its not comfy..

However, all I can do is my best. I make mistakes and apologise for them. The relationship im talking about has always been an angry one on both sides, and maybe there is no fixing it. I do presume the worst and jump to conclusions with this person, and sometimes those conclusions are wrong. I guess I can try and change that. Thing is, when the other party never apologises, never changes anything, hard not to feel some resentment.

I take comfort in the fact that I never run into these kinds of problems with people in everyday life. It cant be that im just inherently unreasonable. I definitely think there has to be craziness on both sides for things to get like this.

Am getting really near past caring.

Hi Freda

Thank you for posting on my diary, ahh sweet!!

So sorry to read your last couple of posts, hope you are ok...You are a special lady to offer support when you are not feeling too good. We all make mistakes, i make far too many lol! I know who you are talking about and it sounds so very unfair on you, sounds like you need to break your ties with this person, easier said than done but you dont deserve that kind of treatment.

Your a sweety, take care and genuinely hope you are ok. ands xx

Thanks ands,

You are a sweety too.

'everyone makes mistakes'. Such a true statement, and one I can easily say to other people with real meaning and conviction. Why I find it hard to forgive myself for making mistakes I don't know.

I have been working on developing my patience in recent months. The universe has now presented me with a massive test of that patience. I think relationships with family are so complex and deep seated that these are the ones most difficult to practise patience with.

I am trying to learn to pause and think before I react to anything. With family, the reaction is pretty knee-j**k. Almost instantaneous. I wonder is this the same for everyone?

I am capable of such anger and resentment, but only in a very small number of situations. I am almost not in control of my reactions, and that scares me.

Im rambling, goodnight diary.

Morning Freda,

Nice to see you in chat last night.

Read up on your diary and seems you are having a shed loads of family issues. Is it just one brother in particular Freda? Could you tell him how he makes you feel? Just a thought...may work.

Yeah...my reflexology. I trained years ago. Did a diploma which took a year. Then I trained as a chiropodist and combined the two. During reflex training they train you to "throw off" bad energies which you acquire whilst giving reflex treatments. I thought....right...mmm....but when i started practicing I knew where they were coming from. I started to do treatments and at first I loved it...it was a bit spooky though as I identified many underlying illnesses. As my practice grew I began to feel tired, headaches, sick....generally unwell. Obviously I'm not 100% sure it was down to reflex treatments but after I decided to stop my health really did improve. So for me now I only do reflexology occasionally on a voluntary basis. I know all this may sound weird but my friend who also practices reflex and reiki also experienced similar poor health. Maybe it's the transfer of energies...who knows. If you decide to train in this field its just something to be aware of as I believe it is quite common.....some therapists even wear protective clothing!

I hope you have stayed off those horrid scratch cards Freda....slippery slope and all that.

Take care Freda....love from Jas x

Thanks for your post Jas,

Was very interesting! I find that sort of thing fascinating. I agree we dont properly understand the energies we give off, when I was in a really bad place I went to have reiki and the practitioner started to cry!!! Ive since been told this is not really standard, but she obviously picked up on some strong stuff coming from me.

I agree its always best to try and tell someone respectfully how their behaviour makes you feel. However wih this particular brother I no longer do this. I have tried in the past, and have been told by him that I am being stupid and I am a loony. This week apparently I am a disgrace. If someone cant disagree respectfully, without taking the P*** out of my feelings I dont really want to share them.

My other brother contacts me very rarely. I hear from other people that he is still resentful for the way i was with him when I was drinking heavily. I have tried to encourage him to talk to me about how he feels, and have apologised for my behaviour in the past. He still denies there is any problem, and is just very abrupt and stony with me. He holds grudges for a long time. I still dont think he has forgiven our Mum for saying hurtful things to us 14 years ago!

It wasnt right that she said the things she did, but personally I have sat down and spoken to her calmly about the effect it had on me. She agreed that it cant have been easy but explained that she was going through a divorce AND the menopause at the same time. Fair play to the woman. How can I hold a grudge for her lashing out at a time like that? Ive explained that if she gets like that with me again, although I wont hold a grudge, I am prone to anxiety and depression and will have to keep my distance to protect myself. She understands that - problem solved!

I feel my brothers are not prepared to let go of past resentments, but arent comfortable admitting to that. So they say we are imagining things and being mental. Theres nothing further I can do really. You cant force people to admit their feelings, to accept apologies or to move on.

Hi Freda,

Just wanted to thank you for your kind words, will catch up more soon, you seem like such a lovley lady, i know it's easier said than done at times but try not to let the family stuff get you down. Sorry for the short post i'm stuck at work again but wanted to drop by and give a little support.

stay strong.

green x

Hi Freda

Thanks for your post on my diary, mine on your diary was just to try and make you smile! Wasn't ment to be dim, i do read your diary and i do care.

As for your question about being liked, at the moment i still feel like an outcast of society, im very nervous at work but i think that is due to lack of confidence and self esteme, as i reckon you know anyway! I want people to like me for who i am now, i just wished my old friends would see the new me and give me a chance, but they wont.... Making new friends realy is not an easy task at all!! Today in my luch break a couple of colleagues joined me for dinner and i could not stop stuttering.. Hard to explain but im trying to rejoin a society which i feel i dont belong... But i done my job well today and its nice to be working.

As for families freda you know my situation and to be honest i hate mine, they are cold hearted and always have been.

Sorry for such a long post, hope you are ok, try not to let your brother grind you down, like i said you dont deserve to be treated like that!

As for gambling now i just get the odd urge and sometimes it just makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach!

Take care freda, ands xx

Had a nice day yesterday with my R,

We went swimming and we done half a mile each. He went out with his mate on the night, and I went to the monks class, then joined them for last orders. It was nice to meet her, she seems a canny lass. She wants to come on my jewellery making course when it starts!

I love listening to the monk. He talks a lot of sense, and manages to put things in a way that makes life seem simple and uncomplicated. He knows my name now, so I think this means I am part of his crew, lol! Get in! lol.

I had a lovely massage this morning. Has made me a bit sleepy and non-plussed about things today, but in a good way.

I am defo getting better in myself depression-wise. I met a friend for lunch today, and found myself a bit bored with all the whinging and b******g she did about people. BUT! it didnt bring me down, I just couldn't be a**ed. I sat nodding politely. Inside I was thinking, well if you are sick of helping people who show you no gratitude then start saying NO to them! I have no sympathy for martyrs.

Some people make their own problems. I never do a good turn for someone now if it will upset me not to be thanked.

Anyway, no gambling the last few days. One lotto line and one scratchcard today though. Im curbing it again, although I may have to go back to no gambling of any kind. Im keeping it under review. Sorry if this seems flippant or offensive to those total abstinence advocates, Im just being honest.

Im going to swing by safe harbor tonight about 8 if anyone fancies it? If you need a link, theres one on page 1 of Grahams diary, or page 12 of mine.

Hiya Freda, thank you for taking the time to post on my diary xx

I hope all is well with you, thing is for me coming on here i want to try and help save everyone , and , it was completely engulfing me at one point, plus the constant slips i was having 🙁

so, to you and yours i wish you a happy and gamble free christmas and dont beat yourself up for the odd scratch card, just like you say keep an eye on it, i think the most dangerous time about doing that is when you win? does that make sense? that is when the 'odd' one gives me i know the pull to buy more, i am better off losing just now, i dont know if that makes any sense at all i hope so lol

G xx

Hi Freda,

Great stuff on the swimming! .. half a mile.. thats a good few lengths.. you must be quite fit.

By the way absolutely no offense or anything like that re your thoughts on lottery products. I don't buy them myself as i do choose the total abstinence route but to be honest I revisit the lottery in my mind regularly. Would I be able to buy a lottery ticket and not gamble on other stuff?? today I choose not to take the risk.

Anyway I hope your having a good weekend and the family stuff has settled down and is not causing you to much grief. Cheers.. S.A 🙂

Thanks ginny and SA,

I agree SA that all gambling is dangerous to a cg, and ideally I shouldnt be gambling at all. If I do give in to an urge, I find playing the lotto draws less likely to lead to a binge than other forms of gambling. My addiction thrives on the instant gratification of a quick result, so its not pushing that particularly crazy button for me.

All forms of gambling do something unhealthy to me though, however small. Im working on it, but am in the early stages of recovery I guess, and Im gonna make bad decisions at times.

Things on the family front have calmed down thankfully. There is probably still a lot of nasty gossip doing the rounds, and anger and people being judgemental, I am just unaware of it as I have withdrawn from the situation. Im done with explaining myself to people who have already judged me. Its a waste of my energies.

No other gambling this week. Just what was mentioned on Wednesday.

Im on my own all day and night tonight. Everyone busy with various things. Am on my guard that this can be a trigger.

Feeling very bad about myself today.

Dont know exactly why. Its weird because at the moment, Im spending quite a bit of time alone on an evening. Maybe its making me feel like a billy no-mates. Thing is, Im scared to make new friends, convinced I will be rejected. I started making friends with a woman from my voluntary job, but then she seemed to go all frosty. I dont really understand why, but maybe its for the best if I dont get too close to people who can get quite moody and huffy.

I really miss my best mate. She has just got no time spare now she has 2 kids. I could see it as a good thing, because I tend to make do with one close friend and just depend on them for company. Problem is when something changes in their life, I am on my own again.

Another friend used to go to the pictures with me, but she has got really bad depression and cant cope with seeing anyone at the minute.

Im so lonely, but so shy! Terrible combination...

Hi Freda. Oh I just wish you could see yourself for what you are. Compassionate, funny, bright and very likeable. Thanks for the last post on my diary. I am old enough and ugly enough to know that I can`t put things right for my little sis.

Hi Freda,

I totally relate to what you say. Throughout my life ive usually had one or two close friends and to be honest thats been enough for me. Am not the sort of person that needs constantly to be in company but I know of people who really struggle with own company. I have also gone through periods of time with no real friends at all. At the moment I have 2 or 3 friends but we are not especially close friends.. its something I know I need to work on. Sometimes I really enjoy my own company other times it feels lonely.. just depends on my mood and whats going on for me.

This evening for example I was out with my Ga group xmas meal.. 6 of us showed up.. and it was nice and all the people there were nice and we had nice chats. After the meal we went to another pub and had more nice chats but to be honest all i really wanted to do was go home and chill in my own company. I felt the need to stay and be polite. maybe I was selfish in how i felt but it was how i felt.

Anyways ive had a few drinks.. so better shut up as this aint my dairy.. take care f.. S.A 🙂