Going to keep this thread now!

Hello Freda

Thanks for your posts on my diary, you always make me smile and as you know the odd tear...Hope you had a good christmas and i wish you all the very best for the new year!

I have not read your lasts psts and hope your ok, will catch up tho!

Your one sweet lady and my thoughts are with you, take care ands xx

Am struggling with feeling depressed at the moment. Everything seems wrong. I have a lot in my life to be very thankful for, and to be positive about. However, at the moment I cant feel this. I had a slip last night, in the interests of being honest in my diary. Its just so tempting when Im low. I know depression is no excuse to gamble. Did I feel any better afterward? No. Did I feel worse? Yes.

This might sound a bit stupid and naive for someone who decided to address their compulsive gambling over 6 months ago, but I think it is finally starting to sink in that I need to say goodbye to gambling completely.

I feel like Im moving into a new phase of recovery. The last one was about getting my addiction under some sort of 'control'. To stop the binges, and betting every day.

It was so disturbing to note how strongly I was affected last night. A real buzz. If Im honest, I didnt really like it that much. I noticed I was feeling anger and frustration. Thats not really a positive thing to induce in yourself. It was more of a stressy buzz than a happy one.

Anyway, Im not really sure where to go from here. I had determination when I first came here. I was spending huge amounts of money, and making life hell for myself. I put a lot of effort and energy into not betting at all. Now Im having a small bet occasionally, not really spending much, and out of touch with the real sting of consequences.

I cant seem to get that fire back. Thats just where Im at.

Hi Freda,

A very open and honest post. Like you suggest, you could have said nothing about the slip but what would have been the point..?? Thats the whole purpose of a recovery diary.. a place to come and be open and honest about wats going on for self.. be it good, bad and everything else in between.

Depression and gambling go hand in hand.. have been feeling melabcholly myself for a while. For me this manifested itself in a big session on Saturday night on the booze and boy o boy did i feel ill yesterday.

Like you say though... much progress made.. your not gambling daily and gambling everything. You have been under heaps of pressure recently.. take stock and keep moving forward.. as i try to do the same for me. Cheers.. S.A 🙂

Have had a really bad day today. Had a massive panic attack in the city centre, and it was extremely difficult to get myself home.

Went to meet a friend for coffee who just has loads of problems. I cant cope with being of support to her at the moment. I hate when I get like that, because it feels so selfish and heartless of me. The truth is, on a bad day, I cant deal with hearing other peoples pain. Im not comfortable with that.

This person however, is always falling out with people and getting into hot water because of her behaviour. I cant get too close to people who literally CAUSE lots of drama and heartache for themselves, because its always going to be doom and gloom.

I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way? I'm not a heartless person, quite the opposite, but I'm depressed. I am really struggling with depression and need cheering up and inspiring. I need to be selfish in order to get better. It just makes me feel like a horrible person!

I think this will sort itself out when I'm feeling better and less depressed. This woman is in a right state, and has a lot of problems, but I can't let myself get emotionally involved and worry about her. I mean listening to her problems gave me a severe panic attack! Its surely not selfish to keep my distance if that is the effect it has on me.

I'm also feeling bad about having to let someone down. I know deep down that I'm not yet strong enough to cope with a new job I have starting as well as my existing part time commitments twice a week. I'm just not comfortable with looking another human in the eye, and saying 'I'm sorry, but its too much and I'm going to have to step down.' I don't know if they will understand, and it will mean passing up a really good opportunity that they have brought my way, and I feel guilty about this. I hate letting people down. I can't take the risk of making myself ill again though. I'm recovering from a nervous breakdown, and it's still very early days. I'm not looking forward to facing this situation, but will have to on Friday.

Hi Freda,

I will try to cheer you up with a joke...

"Why did the Orange go to the Doctors?"

"Because he wasn't peeling well"

Chin up girlie.

Jas xx

Thank you lovely lady 🙂

Keep the jokes coming people!

At the risk of sounding a bit 'woe is me' I could do with moral support just now. The more the better! Its not easy to ask for help is it? lol.

Freda,

I want you to know that you are not a bad person and you are not weak for trying to look after yourself. The very fact that you feel 'selfish' with regard to your friend shows you care but you are aware that if you are ill you will be of no use to anyone. I have a good friend on here who I once told - ' We are allowed to be selfish in recovery - just not in gambling'

He often quotes that back to me and I am no guru but its one of the wisest things I have ever said!!! Be selfish in recovery of your health and your addiction (afterall the two go together).

My heart went out to you when I read your last few posts as I have felt that way many times and I know you will be torn between trying to do whats right for others and what is right for you. The truth is - we can't help others much unless we help ourselves. You will bring out the best in others when you are at your best.

Freda - do take care. You are going through a tough recovery but as someone who has been through a similar breakdown in the past there will come brighter days. It sounds like you have made excellent progress.

Kindest wishes

Eyes X

P.S. Be a little selfish (just for now) and you will pay it all back when you feel yourself again.

Morning Freda,

I hope you are feeling a little better today? I certainly hope so and if you are still feeling a little low then I am sending you a virtual cuddle.

I thank you for posting on my diary Freda. This recovery thingy has many twists and turns and is definitely not easy at all. I have followed your diary from the start and i think you have made great progress....and the one thing that jumps out from your pages is how genuine you are...you take this gambling addiction seriously and you are obviously working at your recovery.

I've learnt we have to do this for "ourselves". All of us come from differing backgrounds and yet have one thing in common...Gambling Addiction. We have to do whatever makes the difference for us as individuals...what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another. Every day is different but i guess that's the same even if we weren't recovering cg's. Life just goes on.

For today think about yourself...you definitely have a lot to offer. Just a few rambling thoughts for you my friend in recovery.

Take care f.....Jas xx

Thanks for that lovely post lying eyes. It made me cry, but in a good way.

I am still extremely low this morning, but have had a decent sleep and forced myself to wake before 9am and not go back to sleep.

I guess its just a case of having faith that these feelings will pass. They always do, but its scary not knowing how long it will take!

Its funny because the boss I need to talk to, has had depression herself - so I know she will understand. I'm going to counselling today, then will try to do some exercise.

Thank you my dear friend Jas, you must have been posting at the same time as me earlier. I very much appreciate the support.

Counselling was excruciating, at one point I was clutching my stomach and I didn't realise until my counsellor pointed it out.

I let out a lot of raw, raw, pain. I am feeling better than this morning so this tells me that it needed to be let out. I am crying just writing this, but better out than in. My eldest brother's attitude toward me cuts me deeply. However, I imagine the fact Im not exactly his biggest fan, cuts him too - even if he denies it vehemently.

I have done the washing up through gritted teeth, and done some cardio exercise. I made sure I got R some stuff for his lunch tomorrow and arranged the calor gas to be replaced so however I feel tomorrow I know I will have food and warmth.

Ive managed to eat something reasonably nutritious, and am off to get a shower.

Ive learned to work on the things I can control when I am depressed. I am proud of myself that I have done my best to look after myself today.

I will have another cry when I have gotten myself showered, then try to let my mind rest. If I feel up to it later, I am going to try to meditate on forgiveness and focussing on the kind things those who have hurt me have done. There is good in everyone to some extent and it is medicine for the heart to recognise this.

There is a certain monk who I am very much looking forward to thanking. He has given me the tools to make the last few weeks a lot easier. You just can't put a price on that, can you.

There is a lot of kindness out there, we must always remember to notice it.

Hi Freda

Sounds like having a good cry has helped loads. I guess am a typical bloke i bottle my feelings up far to much... something i have to work on. Well done on looking after yourself.. take care.. S.A 🙂

Great big cuddle coming up for ya lady. Darn depression, right bummer it is `n all. Weird that it comes with anxiety, mine does. The deep weariness of being down, coupled with the gut churning sensation of being anxious. Difficult to bear. I am also OCD which is really hard to cope with at times.

Anyway, a lovely post on my diary. Tbh, I`m not letting it get me down. I could slap the begger for s******g around with sis-in-law but as he trains people in unarmed combat, I`m taking a rain cheque on that. Lol!!!!

Hope my wife starts feeling better. She has a job which is highly stressful and pays badly for all she has to do. A few years back we could afford not for her to work but I am only on one contract and that is going OKish but I wouldn`t trust them as far as I could throw them. Again, when you are an old feller like me you can`t pick and chose.

Just posted on Andys diary, you and one or two others joined here at the same time and both of you have worked very hard at quitting gambling and very well done.

You had a slip? No big deal really. I had loads and tbh, they were not damaging as I would then go ages without gambling, compared to the almost daily bet or 15. I dare say I might of carried on in that fashion without too much difficulty but I do now enjoy not gambling at all. Just my choice.

Anyway sweetie, a good new year to you. Crying is healing and that`s fine.

love Graham

Thank you Graham.

Am still really depressed today and is awful not knowing how long this feeling will last. I cant cope with doing much at all, cant think straight. Managed to phone work to say I cant come in tomorrow, and have gotten dressed and managed my tablet and a kit kat. Its something isn't it?

Very tearful and yes, quite anxious. Im not working at the moment, and other than volunteering once or twice a week for a few hours, I haven't managed to work for 2 and a half years. Its quite a scary, vulnerable place to be in. Im only 30, have no savings, no security at all.

Today Im trying not to dwell on the negatives because in this frame of mind, it freaks you out. I wont feel this bad for ever, this I am sure of - but how long will I? the not knowing is excruciating.

Time to write about some of the positives. I was virtually agoraphobic a year ago and found it difficult to even be alone. I was relying on Valium and gritted teeth to get through the days. I knew I was on very dangerous ground, because Valium is addictive and if you take it too often you will need bigger and bigger doses. The withdrawal is awful, the most painful anxiety you can imagine. I was afraid to close the toilet door and could only cope with being alone for a few seconds.

Fast forward a year and a bit, and I havent taken any Valium at all for almost 4 weeks I think. Even before that it was no more than one a week. Most weeks I managed with none. I have been managing to hold down a job for 4 hours a week for the last 3 months or so, and managed to complete a 10 week course that required attending a class for 4 or 5 hours every Monday.

Ive had meltdowns like this before, and bounced back within a week - sometimes the flu lasts longer!

Above all Im trying to hold on to the fact that I am genuinely doing my best, and doing as much as I can to help myself. I dont have full control over this depression, so it is pointless worrying about how long it will last. It will last as long as it lasts, and I need to let go of trying to control this.

Ironically, when I let go I generally tend to pick up a bit. Im not thinking logically right now, and these feelings will disappear as mysteriously as they came. The way things look through my eyes right now is not accurate, not real.

I will try to re read this post over and over I think.

Hello Freda,

I would give you a big hug but my hands are so bloody cold after coming back from a very brief walk 🙂

You are so aware of your 'condition' that has to be a step in the right direction surely???

I say this because when my doctor told me I had depression i promptly told him

"Me depression, your talking out of your a**e"!!!! The girl who loves to laugh depressed NEVER.............

and so began the endless days of taking pills, followed by more pills etc etc etc.......

Maybe i am talking out of turn Freda, but could it be possible that you are afraid of going foward for fear of going backwards? (If that makes sense)

Maybe i have sai d to much, thinking of you Freda .....

Kim x

Hi Freda.. hope your depression lifts soon.. keep doing positive things and looking after your own well being.

I wouldnt worry too much about the work thing. I remember you saying a while back that your partner didnt care whether worked or not.. no doubt he loves you just for being you. I'd imagine that that brings a sense of security, strength as part of a couple?? .. maybe this is just me reflecting upon my own situation.

Over the time that i have been following your story I sometimes think that you have a nice balance.. your voluntary work, your classes and courses and meditation and exercise. Full time paid work is not the be all and end all. I also went for a long period of time out of full time paid work.. in fact the last few months ive worked part-time only and ive felt better for it. You will find something that suits you when the time is write.. teaching jewelery making I remmber you said one.

Anyway just to re-iterate your not alone with the whole depression thing.. sometimes i think tat that is my middle name lol.. also there is probably some truth in what Kim says, certainly for me anyway "afraid of going foward for fear of going backwards?" Take care.. S.A 🙂