Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks for those supportive messages.

I have just been really freaked out by how low I have gotten, out of the blue. Im scared I will keep feeling just so scared. I know that is probably making it worse.

I just cant think straight and its not a particularly 'safe' way to be. If I didnt have my dad with me I would be terrified.

Sorry guys. I know thats bleak. I just didn't expect to feel this depressed again. Im worried how I will cope with it.

Feeling much better already, its absolutely mental how it can just lift! Just disappear in a P**f of smoke...

Is very rare I just get that bleak and beside myself. Literally could count on the fingers of one hand. For that I am grateful!

Today, gambling has been the last thing on my mind. However, its the sort of traumatic memory of these episodes, the fear they will happen again, that has led to gambling in the past.

Im well scared I will feel that way again, but gambling is not gonna solve anything.

Your supportive comments have helped so much today guys. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. I truly believe that the right support, at the right time can literally save a life.

Yes Kim, always a fear of moving forward and it all going pear-shaped. At least most days it doesn't bring me to my knees thankfully!

hello freda, highs and low mood swings seem to go hand in hand our weakness i think its a case of recognising this to dampen the effects by not getting too carried away and feeling invincible on the highs or too isolated on the lows. ( ive been there too ) keep fighting the demons. john.

Thanks for that John,

I still feel low and with a feeling of dread today.

I am just going to be brutally honest with my partner - I am trying my best, but don't know if I can move forward at the moment. I'm not sure if I will cope now or in the future. All I can do is try my best and accept myself for who I am.

Hello Freda,

Sorry that you are having a tough time at the moment. I'm not sure what meds you take for your condition Freda but maybe it would be helpful to see your GP/specialist to re-assess their effect for you. Maybe some 'tweaking' is needed. Medication doesn't always remain helpful to stay on the same dose or even the type. There are so many on the market as I'm sure you are aware and it never hurts to review our meds.

I notice your emotions appear to build up as Friday gets closer, something else to perhaps review.

Anyway, sorry that I cant be of more help to you Freda... but glad you are here. Go easy on yourself... sending cyber hugs x

Jackie

Hi Freda

Sorry to read you are having a tough time of late and I ahven't been here to support.....

...not sure if I can move forward at the moment....

You know..that is ok. I look at my recovery like I am climbing a mountain with the aim of reaching the top one day in the distant future, when I don't know......I'm in no hurry......

Every new ledge I climb, I stop and rest there for a while to gather my thoughts, to think about my next move, to have a plan.

I no longer look at the ledge as being a hinderence...it's a blessing... I have a chance to rest and like Ade said so often..enjoy the view....each ledge of life I climb has a different view...sometimes I even go back down a few ledges and then climb again....

and you know what...that is ok too...

I hope this helps.

Sending love and hugs

God Bless

Charly xx

Thanks guys, that was helpful. Im getting there.

Im just a devil for freaking myself out with scary thoughts. What if I get worse? what if I cant cope? Never helps to think like this, but my mind seems to flippin love it when Im depressed.

I am going to tell my doctor about this episode, so she has the full picture, but overall I do feel fairly chirpy and upbeat most of the time. I would love to reduce my dosage, as it would make me feel even safer - in the sense that I could always up it again if I got worse. However, its not something I can do in the near future. I accept that now. I was even skipping just one tablet a week, as that way I thought its not much of a reduction, but its a start. After the last few days, I am taking every one of them again.

Im coping today. Feel chewed and tempted to scare myself with all sorts of black thoughts, but am resisting.

I told them at my part time job that Im going to have to leave. I had also noticed that my feelings seemed to dip near Fridays. No coincidence Im sure.

Anyway, going to do some cardio exercise, as every bit helps and exercise is a great anti-depressant.

Hi Freda,

thanks for you post on my thread, always good to hear from you.

Sorry you are in a bad patch just now, its the nature of the beast and maybe as Jac said a tweak on the meds could help?

You are a survivor my girl and you have armed yourself with the tools to fight this and you ca do it.

I do believe tho that as you are getting more and more tired towards the end of the week friday seems to be your danger point.

Be kind to yourself and prepare for it, remember- this too will pass.

Everything passes, Peg posted that for me once when I was very low and I never forget that one.its so true.

Wishing you a peaceful weekend.

Take care

W xx

Im starting to turn the corner I think.

Read an excellent book by dr. dorothy rowe today. Lots of helpful insight into maybe why I get depressed, and understanding more is comforting.

Anyway, had 30 minutes on my exercise bike again so off for a shower. Feels good that I have done these things to help myself today.

glad you are feelin better freda , its easy for the rest of us to say chin up etc , but we all know its hard for you to pick yourself up ( just as it is for most of us often ). but today it looks like you have done just that. well done , good luck. john.

Still a bit tearful etc. I think Ive realised how afraid of other people I am. How I'm scared to be myself incase they reject me.

I go to a local charity for counselling on a Wednesday, and act all cheerful and affable. As soon as the door is closed, I burst into tears. I am so scared of showing my weakness to other people. However, a counsellor is safe because I know enough about counselling to know that they will not reject me for this.

In the past, I was criticised and ridiculed for having weaknesses and vulnerabilities, by people who claimed to be right all the time without weakness and fault. I have to accept that not everyone is like this. Even if I do encounter people who are like this, and who do not treat me with respect when I am vulnerable, I need to learn to deal with that. There will always be some people who behave that way. But if I dont open up about my weaknesses and vulnerability for fear of incurring the wrath of these people, I will never meet the gentle loving souls who accept me for who I am.

I am hiding from criticism for fear of being hurt, but it cuts out the possibility of finding love and acceptance.

I also have high expectations of myself and others. I think I may find it hard to forgive too. Im not sure about this one... I avoid people who have hurt me and been unkind to me, because I'm scared it will happen again. I don't stay angry and resentful, but at the same time I remain closed and afraid of them - is that forgiving? I'm not sure.

Anyway, the reading I have been doing has given me lots of food for thought. I think a good starting point is to come to terms with the fact that I am not who I expect myself to be. I dont meet up to my own expectations. I need to accept that, rather than berating myself before I can move forward.

hello freda i dont think any of us are quite who or what we'd like to be , but I wont ramble on cos I dont quite know what to say but wanted to say something I hope you soon feel better. john.

Hi Freda,

You hit the nail on the head about chaos.. clever thing you. My counselling has helped with this. I gambled to create c r a P because that's what i've been used to. My my, how compex this is eh?

I went to a buddhist retreat in Derbyshire. If you want the name so you can go I will find the details for you. WONDERFUL

Good things are coming your way girlie...I just know it.

Your friend in recovery...Jas xx

P.s

beautiful soul you.

Hi Freda.. a fellow silly sausage here!

I also had sausages for tea last night, with crinkly chips and loadsa vege.. nice

Have a good day. keep safe.. S.A 🙂