Going to keep this thread now!

Have had a good day today, in spite of myself!

Have had that churny, nervous, depressed feeling every morning lately and felt proper rubbish this morning too! Was the first day I was due to spend on my own in over a week so bit of trepidation there too.

However, I got myself out the door by 11am, and also got up at 8.30am even though I was still tired and could have slept til lunchtime.

I went to the charity place I go to, and felt much better for being around people for a few hours. They are all at various stages of mental illness, so sometimes there can be a lot of negative emotion about. I have been wary of this in the past, as it can affect my mood. Also because I have quite a friendly disposition, people have latched on to me in the past - infact at least a dozen people thought I worked there, so were treating me as a counsellor and looking to me for help.

Its funny really, just because I dont behave strangely, people think i am a member of staff! Why should I behave strangely? lol.

Anyway, today was not a problem in that respect. I have learned to start rambling back about my bleakest feelings whenever someone tries to use me as a therapist - and guess what? suddenly Im not as attractive a companion anymore! Sad but true, and it works. It keeps the 'poor me's' at a distance. They no longer want to latch on to me, and I no longer hear everyones depressing war stories.

Anyway, am on more of an even keel emotionally. For that I am grateful.

hello freda , glad you had a good day and you are right think about yourself first sometimes !!

keep positive, john.

Hi Freda... I totally relate to your last post. Sometimes I think I have "tell me your problems" written on my forehead. The postive of this though is you probably have a great deal of natural empathy. Maybe its in the face or the way you make eye contact or the fact you may nod a little as if to encourage the person to continue talking.

For me sometimes I find I do these things without really thinking about it even when I myself may not be in a listening headspace. Or maybe its just a product of upbringing being polite and so on. Sometimes I find I do all these subtle " I am listening to you behaviours" when actually I am not listening at all. Inside i may be feeling angry with the person for using me as a sponge to offload their stuff to.

Like you say, when you start to talk about whats going on for you then sometimes thats a good way to exit the situation without just telling then to shut up lol

I find that some people seem to me to be completely blind and unaware as to whether I am open to them talking about themselves or not. The extreme of this is in autism where the individual has little or no concept of other peoples feelings. When i use to work in that field it was very emotionally demanding.. cue the gambling. Thank fully not now working in that field it helps me not to gamble

Anyway ive gone on a bit in your diary. I hope you were listening and nodding as you read this lol ;-)... and I hope you have had a good day. Cheers for now.. S.A 🙂

It happened again today. Someone talking at me incessantly. Yes, SA some people are frighteningly unaware of other people. She continued to talk at me even when I started staring at my lap. Strangely this girl has no friends...

One of the many mysteries of this world eh?

I'm fighting the urge to do what other people want me to do, and instead doing what I want to more and more. Its liberating.

From what I understand, this will be a move toward recovering from depression. Not sacrificing my needs in favour of being a good little doormat.

I like SA's term 'headspace'. I am in a safer headspace now, and this feels good.

Am bored today. Bored, bored, bored!

Am going to go and socialise tomorrow at a local tai chi.

Good to have time to contemplate though.

Hi Freda

Good to chat with you and a few others today.

Well you spoke about shyness and associated feelings such as this. Well I never had them until compulsive gambling bought that into my life as well as take everthing else.

Anyway, hope you stay strong and away from gambling and I am sure all aspects of your life will improve.

Take care .

Thankyou.

I cant sleep. Blooming mind wont stop whirring.

Am so emotionally raw at the moment, and got really upset today with family rubbish. To the point where Ive had to take Valium.

I think Ive mentioned quite extensively how my brothers are not very supportive. One is downright nasty, the other is funny with me all the time because he believes everything the other one says.

Anyway, this I am managing to live with in general. Except they have both begun to launch a charm offensive on R. They are messaging him and being nice as pie to him. I just dont feel its appropriate if they cant do me the same courtesy. I wish they would leave us both alone.

It would be understandable if they already had a friendship with R, but they havent really bothered to get to know him in the 4 years we've been together. They dont seem to want to have a relationship with me, so why do they think its suddenly really important to befriend him?

I think if I was stronger in myself, I would be able to laugh at their stupid behaviour. Instead it is going round and round in my head.

Hi Freda

Obviously your brothers are getting to you looking at the time you have posted your last thread.I think your last paragraph in your last post makes really good sense.

Try and be a bit stronger and ignore them dont let them keep you awake till all hours. Im not a betting man any more ,but if i was iwould bet they were fast asleep at3 oclock this morning while you were awake worrying about there cruel ways.

You have more important things to concentrate on. Im sure R will stand by you All the best Jeff.

Hi Freda,

I know what it feels like to feel completely consumed with another person(s) behaviours. It becomes easy to fester on it and allow anger to swirl around and around with nowhere to go.

Talk to R about how you feel about your brothers behaviour if you havent done so already... it gets it out your headspace. Better out than in. Maybe R could get a new number. Maybe a complete break in contact with your brothers will help. help you to get back in touch with you and your life.

When i go through times like that I find it helps to fill my time and focus on other stuff. i find the worse thing i can do is to "react" as they may expect because often that is what they are looking for.. a reaction.. its a bit like bullying. The serenity prayer kinda sums it up.. finding the courage to accept the things we cannot change (in this case your brothers behaviours) and finding the courage to changes the things we can (your reactions to your brothers behaviours) and the wisdom to know the difference. Take care and keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Thanks jeff and SA,

I am feeling better than I was. I agree SA, it is a really cowardly, sly form of bullying. Its weird because people like that are always nice as pie in front of others (that way they can perpetuate the myth that its just you being silly). R thinks they have seemed alright based on his own experiences with them, but agrees they are not the same with me, and understands why I don't want them in my life.

I am genuinely happier when I have no contact with them, there is a very real correlation that everyone who knows me, has picked up on.

Hopefully this is last that either of us will hear from them in a while. They are not 100% bad through and through, but are not good for me.

Am feeling very vulnerable and insecure. Have been feeling like that a lot, lately. However, its not overwhelming.

A funny thing happened to me last night. Well, actually, it was quite an ordinary evening but the effect it had on me was massive.

I was feeling low yesterday, so went to stay at my Dads. I used to work in our local pub years ago, so its always felt like a bit of a safe haven for me. Its under totally different management now, and some of the patrons have changed, but still enough familiar faces to make it feel nice.

Anyway, I used to have lots of friends in that pub, but when I moved away then became ill again with anxiety and depression I lost touch.

I got talking to someone I used to hang out there with last night. He was asking how I was, and I explained quite honestly that Id been quite depressed but was starting to feel better. I said how its hard to 'get back in' with people so to speak, but I need to start getting myself out and around people again.

Anyway, to this he replied 'oh, but there'll be no problem because you've got a really nice personality'. I looked at him and said 'really?''do you think Im okay?' and he looked genuinely baffled as if it was mad that I had even contemplated that I might not be likeable or good company.

Just goes to show how much my confidence has drained away. But last night, I felt uplifted for being around people, and being accepted and liked. It reminded me that I am normal. I just got too scared somewhere along the line.

Im chipping away at this fear, bit by bit. Ive enrolled on a short course at the local college. Just a daft bit of fun, no certificate. Am looking forward to getting back out there, bit by bit. Starts on Wednesday and is only an hour. Course is just 7 weeks. All perfect.

It wont solve all of my problems, fears and insecurities at once - but is a start.

Filled with fear and uncertainty again today.

I have tried writing down how I feel, to try and get to the bottom of what im afraid of. The answer is I dont know. I think it scares me that there s no definitive answer to how to get over this depression. I do tend to prefer order and guidelines to follow. I sometimes wish someone could give me a handbook, I could take an exam and if I passed I wouldn't be able to feel depression again. You know? That it was something I could use my intellect to get over.

I just feel like poo. However, that is no reason to hide away indoors. Im going for a shower, then off out to my support group and have a mystery shop after that.

I must remind myself - patience!

f, what that guy said to you in the pub shines through here. You are nice, kind person and you have a good sense of humour. Sometimes the hardest person in the world to convince that we are OK folk is ourselves 🙂

I got all stressed out in town. Just a panicky, anxious day. Frustrating as I was doing so well.

However, I think I got a lot of emotion out and now feel quite calm and tired. Going to watch tv.