Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda

Thanks for posting on my diary, hope you are ok! Got a bit of catching up to do on your diary, so as per normal for me short posting lol! Genuinely hope your ok tho, take care and catch you soon you sweet lady... ands xx

I found out today that I have been passed as medically fit for the new job. I say new - the one I was offered months ago, that the council have dragged their feet with because of my history of anxiety and depression.

I feel good about this but also scared. I guess its normal to feel scared at the prospect of something new.

The thing is, my confidence levels were much higher a few months ago and I was eager to start, confident that I could cope with this job.

Over the last month or so, Ive felt tearful depressed and anxious and now my confidence is not high at all. However, I do think this has been partly due to the 'not knowing'. It also been due to feelings around family members. R started a new job a few weeks ago too, and we've been living apart for almost 4 months - all that change is bound to get to me I guess.

I dont know if anyone can relate to this, but I feel like Ive lost my bottle! Ive had too much time to sit around brooding.

On a more positive note, I bought my wedding dress on Wednesday! I think its due to my recent state of mind, but I have been putting it off afraid to try any dresses on - certain that I would look horrible! I am happy to say that I look quite nice in it, and feel more confident about it now.

Hi Freda... good news about job.. sounds like your going to work through your anxieties and go for it... you can do it.. keep posting.. S.A 🙂

Hi Freda,

I can just see you waving your lollipop and holding all the traffic up! Good news about your wedding dress too...won't be long now. Are you planning a honeymoon?

Things are coming together for you now 🙂

Jas x

Congrats Freda on the new job.

I think after a while anticipation can turn to anxiety so its natural I think, feeling as you do.

I can see you doing a great job and its rewarding too 🙂

There has been so much going on in your life recently and this awful winter brings us all down to some degree or another.

Wishing you all the best, let us know some details on the wedding dress, am excited for you both.

love

W xx

Thanks for the posts guys.

Im feeling much better than I did yesterday, but still a bit vulnerable.

I caught myself doing something really destructive just now - comparing myself to others! Not good. Was thinking 'everyone seems to be able to cope with a job without going to pieces, like I do'. However, this is my biggest issue. The thing I struggle with most. More than the gambling I would say.

I was bullied in my first full-time job after uni, ironically I think its because my colleague was threatened by me because I had a degree. I think she would have found it very difficult to see me move on to something better, as she had been a basic admin assistant (nothing wrong with that, but she obviously felt she deserved more) for 20 odd years.

It was there that I formed very painful associations with being constantly criticised. I live in fear of being criticised in a job now because the reaction I have is very strong. I usually manage to keep it to myself, but internally I burn with shame, embarassment and anger.

I know everyone makes mistakes, but because I sat next to someone who was completely intolerant of ANY mistakes I made, and pointed them out loudly in front of all my colleagues, I get a real stab in the gut now when it happens. She made me feel completely useless, like I was embarassing myself trying to do the job.

Anyway, this wont happen with the new job seeing how I wont have colleagues - bliss! but I need to sort this out as it does rather limit my job choices. The only other one I can think of is lighthouse keeper.. 😉

My diary is about honesty, so here it is - my confidence has fallen so low that I dont even feel confident I can cope as a lollipop lady. I do hope I prove myself wrong. I am reconnecting with my counsellor nows she is back from the sick, so hopefully I will be feeling much better once Ive worked things through.

Hi Freda

Hope you are ok, thanks for popping by on my diary, sorry to read your last post..Confidence hey, how do we improve it, can relate to what you are saying as i felt similar when i started my new job after being sacked from my old job. In time my confidence has started to improve think mainly that is due to my self esteme improving if you know what i mean! Doing things what we like and making ourselves occupied has helped me, but i must admit the anti ds have become my crutch.

To answer your question i dont get angry anymore, i used to get pleasure when i used to think about smashing those fruit machines up. Like i said in chat a while ago, i get urges most days but i just know i can never ever gamble in any form again.....So i wont!!

Sorry for waffling on, hope you have a good week and take care freda. ands xx

thanks ands,

Am feeling more like my old self today. Felt a bit sorry for myself last night in chat. It was probably just a co-incidence, but a lot of the comments i was making or questions I asked people, were being bypassed.

I just couldn't even be bothered to say goodnight before logging out. Didn't seem much point.

Im thinking of starting a new diary too, as it has become littered with gambling lately. Its not back to being a daily thing, but Im not putting in the effort i was at the start.

Had 3 minutes of madness again today. Not good. That's how long £20 lasts. What a waste.

Went to clown school tonight, aka balloon modelling. Was a good laugh, glad I enrolled on it.

Hi Freda sorry to hear about your re-lapse. Not the only one to have done this. Dont be to hard on yourself, keep posting - keep trying. One day those that want to really will be able to beat this awfull addiction and reclaim our lives. Wishing you well. Blocked.

I feel insignificant.

So do I.. just one of those things i spose. Take care.. S.A

Ive been feeling increasingly alone on here lately. I dont know if its something that I am doing wrong, or if people have just moved on.

Anyway, Im just struggling. Guess thats all I wanted to say.

Hi Freda.. I was feeling a little sorry for myself when i wrote my last reply to you. I don't feel insignificant today. I hope your feeling more significant today. Like any state of mind it will pass. You may feel a little lonely on here at the moment but that to shall pass. As a general rule the more you post to others the more others will post to you.

I think its also very true that people move on for many different reasons and lets face it i'd say that the majority who disappear from these forums stop trying to stop and go back for some more financial drain and personal misery. But some don't.. some people stop posting but still read and thats enough for them. Other people focus there recovery support via Ga and other people go it alone.

Am not especially sure where i am going with this. i think am just trying to figure things out for myself and my relationship to this site. I remmber a time when i was posting to a completely different set of people from those (such as your good self) here now. Its the transitory nature of recovery forums. i think like Green said on my diary it takes effort to maintian these cyber recovery relationships.

Anyway i think I better continue this in my diary. Just to say that i have read your recent thoughts.. am thinking about you as i type. Your not alone really its all a state of mind. Take care.. S.A 🙂

Thanks SA,

I was just feeling very sorry for myself. Its funny, it sometimes irritates me when I hear other people doing it, you know 'poor me, nobody loves me'. Ive just got a lot of emotions swirling around, finding it difficult to manage them.

Feeling mainly angry today with family stuff. Stuff that I thought I had let go, yet here I am getting all fumed up about it again. Just one of those days. I think we all dredge up old stuff when we are low.

I think I am going to start posting on newer diaries and stop feeling sorry for myself. I do that very destructive thing, of noticing when people who used to post on my diary don't anymore, but I see them posting to others. I get myself upset thinking 'why am I not likeable?' 'why cant they be bothered with me anymore? whats wrong with me?' etc. I know deep down, the answer is its not about me at all. Maybe its hard to read of my slips for some as it triggers stuff off, maybe they just don't have anything to add. Whatever reason, usually I am able to see that its not a rejection, but when Im low it feels that way.

Anyway, no gambling of any kind for over a week now. Im in pain but not gambling.