Going to keep this thread now!

Enjoyed chat tonight...was a nice atmosphere.

Felt proud of my fellow strugglers, helping others and welcoming and comforting the scared and confused.

I am feeling very well in myself. Nerves are my biggest obstacle, and I have been feeling lovely and calm for the past week or so.

Its nice to notice positive changes in myself, and be able to enjoy life a bit more.

Ive had a couple of go's at reiki. I am undecided whether it actually does anything or is just a co-incidence. I have discovered somewhere where they do it virtually free, for a small donation of £3. Cant say fairer than that. Even if it is a load of old codswallop, how lovely to have a person totally focussed on trying to help you and heal you for 45 minutes! that in itself makes you feel good.

Kindness is exciting.

Thoughts of gambling today, as I walked past various arcades. Just thoughts though, dont have to turn them into actions.

Hi Freda

Just popping by and saying a few hi,s funny realy been thinking bout DT he moved into his new home today, and from that ive ended up here again, lol! Madness, anyway nice last post, glad your ok..

Take care and all the best.. ands

Hi Freda 🙂

You heard about your job yet?

Thanks for the thinking of me.

Jas x

People are funny. Met someone for coffee today, and she asked about what flowers im having at my wedding. Just a bouquet to hold, I said - thats all. What about your button-holes though? she said. Im not having them I said. Oh. She said. Why not? Because I dont want them. I said. I could see on her face she really wasnt happy with this and it amused me. She looked at me as if I was mad. Because it wasn't what SHE would do.

What the f**k has it got to do with anyone if I dont want buttonholes. People can be such d***s! lol. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are wandering around, genuinely thinking that their way is the only right way.

You know, it takes up a lot of energy being around someone like that. You have to forcibly push them to back off. Its very tiring.

Anyway, finally got a phonecall about my job on Friday afternoon. She had the nerve to say that she has been trying to get hold of me for a while! She is a right bossy boots, I dont like her. She's a liar and a bully. Very aggressive manner, you feel like you are being told off when she talks to you.

Anyway, Im picking the ole stick up tomorrow. Still nothing in writing, she still cant tell me my start date, still no contract of employment - and the woman seems genuinely mystified as to why I find that a problem. I might be starting on Monday, but I might not. Sooooo professional. I wonder why she hasnt been poached away from the council by headhunters.

As I say, people are funny.

At last you may have some good news about your job. Very frustrating when you are waiting and waiting. Watch out traffic I say!

As you know I do the occasional wedding....flowers that is. I think it is great that you are just having a bouquet. Stick to your guns.....it is your day after all.

I love your wording f.....yeah, you are right some people are d***s, they just can't help themselves.....really made me laugh 🙂

Jas x

Thanks Jas,

Have had a funny old day. Sometimes I will have a day where I feel like no-one understands me, I don't understand them and I feel like an alien.

Ive been like that today. Its uncomfortable. Nevermind though.

Went to meditation class tonight, and that didn't feel quite right either. Was lovely to see the monk though. Can I tell you a secret? Ive got a crush on him! Not a s**y one, just where you think someone is great and you hang on their every word. I love his playful, daftness. Some people are just a delight to be around, aren't they?

No gambling for me today. Actually, days like today are usually a big trigger - where I feel all alienated and misunderstood. Like a freak!

I cant even express myself on here properly today.... I'm typing and thinking what am I rambling on about???

Hi Freda,

I think its like you say, some people are a delight to be around (the monk) and some people are not. I find that the more I am able to surround myself with like minded people the more I am able to flourish. Of course in life we do not always have the pleasure to pick and choose. I also struggle with people who impose themselves on others on me!.. often leads to an emotional "funk". I try to manage as best i can.

I enjoy reading about the classes and courses that you do. I am going to google Reiki. I havent got a sausage of a clue what it is. I want to take a leaf out of your book.. an oak leaf perhaps. Have a good day.. S.A 🙂

Hi f, the old g-dog here:). Makes a change from g-man, lol. Yep being an old grouch here. Not very good at the one day at a time malarky. Never was. My old mate Ken from SH always says that we worry about things that in 99% of the time never come true. I am that man!

Anyway, have a good day my friend.

Feeling deflated as my counsellor is off on the sick again! I had 2 sessions back with her and now shes off again.

To be honest, it is worse than having no counselling at all. You start to drag up all your painful feelings, then you are left to deal with them without any support.

All I want to do is deal with my pain and fear and move forward, but unless you can pay for it yourself, it is f*****g impossible to get any help in this country.

Went to see the woman I mentioned about my new job today and she was lovely! I think I must have caught her on a bad day, last week.

A very wise person said to me yesterday, that our beliefs and opinions are often unreliable. Sometimes we forget to question our thoughts, or to notice when things don't turn out the way we thought they would.

Today was certainly a case of that! I firmly believed that this woman was going to be rude and unpleasant, based on one conversation with her. This turned out, to not be the case.

I am feeling a bit less deflated than I was earlier. There is nothing I can do about my unreliable counsellor. I could have done with some extra support whilst returning to work - but I still have netline which has always proved helpful if Ive gotten myself in a jam. All I can do is my best.

Hello me dear. You know, has anyone ever told you that you are wise? Been reading some stuff you have put on others diaries.

Hi Freda just read over my diary because i reached 4 months and i am on second last counselling session. So i thought i would pop in to the diaries of the people who have helped me. You were and are a great support to me as is Graham. i appreciated that and long may it continue. However just read some of your recent posts and you seem very frustrated but i guess you just need to get it off your chest. You are a great support to a lot of people and i just wanted to say thank you. Your counselling sessions are obviously dear to you and i get your frustration but net line is here and we are here so when you need a friend come to chat. Don't let them get you down speak soon Tina xxx

Hi f,

I liked what you said about beliefs and opinions are often being unreliable. I accept that assumption can be a dangerous thing. I am going to work on that one.

Hope you are ok.....what flowers you having in your bouquet f?

Jas xx

Am I wise G? gosh!

Thanks TinaP and Jas for your thoughts.

I don't know which flowers to have in my bouquet... I asked somewhere yesterday and they suggested roses and quoted a price which I thought was a bit nuts. I dont know much about flowers though, so Im gonna ask at a couple more places and get an idea of what is reasonable.

I only want a few stems so £55 seems a bit ostentacious to me, but maybe I am a tight bummed grumpy pants. I just think its a waste to spend so much on things that will only last a few days then die. I dont want flowers when I die, I would get much more pleasure from people giving the money to the homeless or something. However, I will be dead, so I won't get pleasure from it either way obviously...

I am painfully shy, and uncertain of myself in social situations. I find it particularly hard, feeling confident with acquaintances. So I was proud of myself when i went to see my old colleagues from my voluntary job, as I had been telling myself all sorts of things like 'they haven't got time' or 'its not appropriate' or 'they will think you are strange, going in when they haven't seen you for months'. 'it will be too awkward - don't do it!' 'they won't remember you'.

I tell myself some horrible things, you know. Anyway, I sat and thought about why I was thinking of going. was I going in order to hurt or upset anyone? no. Was I going for positive reasons? yes. Does it mean I am not a worthwhile person if any of those scenarios above actually happen? no. I decided was motivation was a positive one, and the only thing to be afraid of was feeling unwelcome or awkward. Well I have felt that way many times before, and it was slightly uncomfortable but dd me no harm - so I went.

Did any of the above scary, scenarios actually happen? of course not. I constantly feel shy and unsure of myself, and I can't confront all of these fears at once. I am however, making an effort to confront at least some. If I don't, I will never find out that this scary world full of hostile, nasty people, and rejection and humiliation exists only in my mind. (and some of my family members)

They are the exception rather than the rule.

Today I faced some fears, and was glad I did. I did not gamble, or comfort myself in any other destructive way to deal with these feelings. Pat on the back for me today.

Really feeling a lot of fear today...going to try and pin point why.

Am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There are a lot of things going on in my world, all at once. Feeling overwhelmed reminds me of when I had my breakdown so I guess thats natural.

So what is on my mind? Starting new job, family cr** particularly with wedding coming up, shyness and having a big social event coming up, lots of different things to think of and juggle. I dont cope well when I have lots of things I need to sort out, I actually sorted a few out today and felt instantly a bit better.

So ok, plan has to be to sort a couple more things out tomorrow surely? then there will be less buzzing about in my head. Im off to do a list, then put them in priority order.

Ah you see, when your counsellor is on the sick sometimes your diary will do!