Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks Jasmine 🙂

Well 2 whole weeks completed at work. No problems, supervisor very happy with me. I must put to rest this paranoia that I am incapable as a person. It sprang up at some point during the chronic low self esteem years!

At times my job is boring and uncomfortable, but at times its exciting and beautiful. I get to talk to cute toddlers, and pat doggies. I get to give elderly people a bit of conversation, and a smile. I hear the words 'thank you' at least a hundred times a day, from teenagers who the media would have you believe are all no-good thugs. I get to say when the traffic stops, and when it starts again! 😀

Another lovely thing is my R has gone away for his stag weekend today. 'Don't worry about me, just have fun with your mates and relax' were my instructions to him. 'Don't ring me, this is your time with your friends'. The phone goes at around 5pm and its him. 'I just wanted to let you know that the signal here is not very good, so if you are trying to get through and can't - don't worry'.

I am very lucky. Very lucky.

Hi Freda.. thats a really nice uplifting post. I enjoyed reading it.

If only patting doggies paid the sort of money that bankers get eh! lol

Hope you have an enjoyable weekend after your week at work. .. cheers.. S.A 🙂

Hi Freda, thanks for supportive post, especially early on a Sat morning! Good to have friends like you on here.

Well done again on getting through 2 weeks work, I'm sure they will soon recognise you as an asset to the organisation.

You seem to have a good base from which to recover with your new job and your partner. Onwards and Upwards.

Freda

Im glad to hear things are going so well for you and even though you have only been in your job for a short while its nice to actually see you are enjoying it.It seems most people on here (including myself )hate their job lol.Stay strong Freda.Jeff.

Hi Freda (K)

Thanks for your post and kind words on my diary, great to read that your job is going well and you seem much happier, i was just feeling sorry for myself on my previous post, just get spells of depression which just sucks the life out of me!

The depression would be far worse if i was gambling tho, so gamble free i stay!

Thanks again Freda for all your support, take care and i hope life continues to improve for you. ands xx

Hi Freda hope you are well

After the conversation we had teh other night in chat i have decided to pop in again tonight. speak soon

Not having you on page 3!

Hope all is well?

Jas x

Hi guys,

Aw Jas, you are gamcare's mother hen!

Im really happy. Have done 3 weeks at work now, and am coping fine.

Gambling-wise, had a really nasty/great wake-up call yesterday. Im so glad it happened to snap me out of this 'casual gambling'.

I say both nasty and great, because it wasn't very pleasant at the time, but was the best medicine recovery wise.

For the past couple of months, I have been having the odd dabble after starting my recovery with 5 months of complete abstinence. I guess Ive lost motivation somewhere along the way, and also gotten a little complacent.

Anyway, I have to admit that the frequency and size of these dabbles has been gradually increasing. Of course it has, I am a compulsive gambler.

Yesterday I went a bit nuts, and for the first time in ages was gambling completely compulsively. Just feeding coin after coin in without even thinking about it. I spent too much, and was all hyped up with adrenaline. I felt pretty rotten.

I went home, but on the way, passed another arcade and thought f*@k it a couple more quid wont matter, Ive already lost a fortune.

Well, I actually won the jackpot really quickly. However, I had that much adrenaline surging through my body that I felt I was going to throw up. It was like my body was over-sensitised to the rush and it was TOO intense. It was horrible, I got a rush so intense that I was shaking all over and thought I was going to have a heart attack. My head was pounding, and I was so full of adrenaline I could have punched someone if they'd got in my way. I felt really ill for ages. It was a real wake-up call.

I thought - Im making myself ill here, I could have gave myself a stroke or a heart attack, and all over £25! (sorry for mentioning amounts, but I feel its relevant in this context, and Im talking about a horrible experience not a nice one).

Anyway, Im firmly back on the recovery wagon. Yes, I will miss the odd dabble - but if I can have that kind of physical reaction to it, Im not interested.

I would be interested in hearing if anyone else has experienced this exaggerated physical reaction? It was almost like playing had triggered an intense panic attack.

Hi Freda,

Exaggerated physical reaction.. for sure!! o yes!!!

Heart racing at a million miles an hour, sweaty palms. I would get big red blotches on my neck as well due to the power with which my blood was coursing through my veins. This is the addiction at work.. it brings about that temporary euphoria.. a euphoria that i seldom experinced in any other way.

For me I use to start shaking when the money started to dwindle when the reality of just having put £50 or £250 or £500 quid into a machine or machines. The panic would rise within me. The most horrible gut wrenching experince. But then of course occasionally i'd be down to the last pound and then the win would come and i'd be in action for a while longer.

I know what you mean that once your in that zone where you can't feed the coins in quick enough.. one is doomed to loooose ones money. No win or series of wins will be enough.. the addiction takes over. And even on those rare occasions when I did walk out.. I'd be back.. just a matter of time before i lost it again.

Maybe your recent gambling was a response to being back at a work.. more money in the pocket and perhaps a way of treating yourself for having coped so well at work. Well done on the job though.. top stuff

As far as the gambling goes.. sounds like now is the time to dig deep. memories of recent gambling will take time to fade. Find other ways to treat yourself for the positive steps in life you are making. Keep safe.. S.A 🙂

thanks SA,

I guess it depends on the individual, but I did not experience these feelings as euphoria! definitely not! lol.

Felt more like stress, panic and shock - very negative.

I think it is definitely 'change-related' new job, getting married in a few weeks. I dont have any more money in my pocket though sadly 🙁 This is because my wage is only the same as what I was getting on benefits, Im no better off at all. I think theres an element of depression about that! lol. However, I was about to have my benefit stopped, im fairly certain about that. The government need some fancy stats to quote what with an election coming up. So, I am better off in a way, as I am earning slightly more than jobseekers allowance, and I wont get to the better-paid job without doing this as a stepping stone. So, you know, ho hum!

Anyway, that episode is fresh in my memory and making me not want to gamble at all, it was so horrible!

Hi Freda,

I think for me the anticipation and the arrival of a big win (Big win is a relative term of course) did give me euphoric feelings.

For me the stress, panic and shock would come along gradually as the win/lose cycle continued. The highs and lows would eventually exhaust me and i'd emotionally crash. At that point I would be mentally beating myself up and would no longer care and conciously or sub-conciously would gamble to lose and punish myself.

I think that kinda describes how it would be for me.. sort of.

Glad your memory of recent gambling is motivating yourself to keep away. have a good weekend.. S.A 🙂

I just thought Id post my thoughts down, as a reminder of how mental my gambling head is.

On Thursday, I had a horrible, horrible panic attack. I could have done myself some serious harm, all because I overstimulated my brain with gambling.

I was really shaken up, and in that moment, I never ever wanted to gamble again.

Well, today, 3 days on, I have had thoughts of 'wouldn't it be nice to spend say £3 in the arcade' - how messed up is that?

I wont, of course. I want to use the sunbed place upstairs, so i am going to take my partner along to keep myself safe from acting on any urges.

My motivation for recovery has returned. Ive had a real reminder of how messed up my thinking processes are when it comes to addiction.

Hi Freda,

what a blessing that experience was for you, the adrenalin boost was clearly way too much for your system!!

At least now you have concentrated on the dangers gambling still holds for you and an opportunity to stop dabbling.

Just a thought but it seems you might be testing yourself a bit here....work is going better than you hoped so you did something a wee bit dangerous ??

I may be wrong bu just a thought.

take care and have a good week.

love W xx

W you are 100% spot on. Thanks for putting it into words for me. Im not used to things going well, feels unfamiliar!

Anyway, I have safely got myself through today bet-free. Weekdays are easier as i am working.

Hey Girl!

Glad your job is going well.

Here's a thought process for you...

Hmmm...things going too well...yeah..can't possibly have that now, can we...let's f**k it up...argh...not married yet...must show partner what a f**k up I am..I.'ll go and gamble ...then wait for the bomb to hit....he's gonna be mad at me..I gambled..." Hey ..see..I am a bad person...I am no good."

Are those thoughts familiar Freda?

They were for me. I have beaten myself up for so very long and seen myself as a bad person that, when things started to go right and "normal"..I got twitchy...I was thinking..this can't be happening to me..I am bad...good things don't happen to me?!?!

Oh God, what do I do with this then??? All this good stuff?? This is frightening!

OH YES!!! GOOD THINGS DO HAPPEN TO US. We are NOT BAD PEOPLE, we have had a load of bad experiences in our past life. We are allowed to be HAPPY and we are allowed to have GOOD THINGS happen to us.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. I believe in you. I believe in me.

You have tested the waters and you now know that it ends in drowning.(emotional drowning and total self destruction)

I am sending lots of love and hugs to you.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine xx