Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda,

Just wanted to add my congratulations to you and your hubby. I hope your marriage is modern enough to get through the times to come, but old fashioned enough to last forever. Take care and best wishes.

Steve

Thanks guys for all the congratulations!

Just got back from honeymoon, is weird being back, and back to normality. Feeling a bit low, but I think its only natural. Hubby was really poorly on the way back, and nearly fainted. I was really worried about him, but I think he is ok. It scared me to be honest, hes just not often ill. I didn't like the selfish thoughts that were going through my head - I was worried for him of course and just wanted him to feel better, but it was all 'he has to be ok, i cant cope without him' up there in my noggin.

ee anyway, he cant be that bad after wolfing down a spicy chicken pie, lol. Going to catch up with peoples diaries soon, but just need to readjust to being back home first.

Having some mood swings back here in reality!

I cheered up really well last night, then this morning Im a bit tearful. Ive gained 5 pounds this week!!!! This is always guaranteed to get me feeling down. I knew I would put on weight from all the scoffing I was doing, but then honeymoon-world isnt real is it? you can have your pizza, cake and custard and eat it there!

We did a lot of walking, miles everyday, and climbed 2 mountains! but it wasn't enough to save me from the blubber.

Oh well, pointless moaning about it. just need to get exercising.

Hi Freda,

Don't think ive said congratualtions yet.. so am saying it now.. congratulations! 🙂

It sounds as if your weight fluctuates a bit I know mine does.. all depends on my moods and comfort eating and all that. But hey if your honeymoon isn't a time to let loose and eat what you want then i don't know when is. Am sure when you get back into your usual habits and routines then you will loose the 5 pounds again.

The thing with exercise I find is that it doesnt necessarilly lead to weight loss. What ive found is that even after a 10 mile run I then have the capacity to eat enough tuna pasta for a family of four with a loaf of bread on the side all eaten within the space of an hour. Fast food a day or so and ive still got a lean pair of legs but with fat belly. It ain't easy to get rid of man belly you know.. lol

Anyway welcome back. Am sure your emotions will settle. take care.. S.A 🙂

Hey Freda...

Thanks for your welcoming comments...

Congratulations on your recent marriage, i really wouldn't worry too much about putting weight on whilst on your honeymoon. Its a sign that you had a good time. Everyone puts weight on when they are away, its the law, you will probably find that at least 2lbs will drop off on its own within a week just by you getting back into your normal routine. My life is one big diet (seriously, this is true) haven't exercised for nearly two weeks now and i must start again.

S.A is right about not always losing weight when exercising... sometimes when i exercise i put weight on. But i have it on good authority that the scales can lie and can go up and down a lot in one week. Sticking with a healthy routine will always get you where you need to be in the end.

Thanks guys, it will be fine!

sometimes I really pee myself off with how wrapped up in unimportant stuff I can get. I had a real reality check tonight on the phone with my mum. She is just so sad and going through a lot of pain, and I could hear it in her voice. She was trying to stay chirpy as she knows how fragile I am, but I could tell how low she is. It just hurts, and upsets me. I wish I could be of more support, but I can barely keep it together myself.

There is just so much pain for me with my family. Things are a real mess. There is a lot of pain for my mum too, and when I can hear her pain it kind of tips me over into distress if that makes sense.

I just need to let it out, talk to my husband about how I feel, and not let myself worry too much. I can only offer my mum a little support, and if thats not enough to keep her ok I have to accept that I have done my best. She knows I care, and we have a good relationship and I suppose that must keep her going a bit.

I feel so sad and full of grief for the way things are with my family.

Freda,belated congratulations lassie....I too worry about my parents as they're not getting any younger and they've bailed me oot of gambling many times.....maybes the stress and worries of your mother have been the cause of your weight gain 5 lbs is nowt really am sure you'll get it down in no time...anyway best wishes in your marriage and stay strong...we can do this: -)

Thanks winningpost,

I think I am a bit depressed just now, so things seem worse than they really are.

I guess its a bit weird being depressed when people expect you to be happy all the time because you just got married. I feel like a fraudulent newlywed!

Thing is, I have depression. Im not just depressed, its actual depression so I guess its understandable. Im really happy within my marriage, its the way I feel about myself that causes the problems.

I don't think Im actually being myself, and haven't been for years now. It comes from years of being overly criticised, and judged. I feel like I can't just be myself with people, I have to over-compensate or I will upset people. Im constantly thinking - 'am I being nice enough' 'I mustn't lose my temper' 'I have to get them to like me'.

Its awful when you are not confident in your judgment of whats ok. Im so unsure of myself, and constantly looking out for signs from people that I've got things wrong.

Thankfully, bit by bit, Im regaining my confidence. I like the phrase 'check your motivation'. It helps if you tend to berate yourself for making mistakes. Often if I think Ive said or done the wrong thing, I ask myself - what was my motivation for saying that? was it to help or hurt? usually it was meant to help, so I can at least feel my heart was in the right place.

Today I will allow myself to feel pain without trying to gamble it away.

Thanks freda,that certainly didn't feel like a post from someone who's depressed...very positive of you and thanks again....we can do this x

I just realised that I have taken to not mentioning my status regarding my last bet of late. I think this is due to embarrassment at my lack of effort recently.

So here it is, the truth! My last bet was 2 days ago. It was a lottery bet, which I have never gotten compulsive with and snowballed with my spending. However, I have decided to limit myself to £1 per draw and I will count this as abstinence. I know many will disagree with this, but its what it means to me this is important.

I have played the lottery for years without problems, and it is a fantasy bet. If Im playing only £1, Im not playing to medicate my emotions, or as a way to try and 'make money'. Im playing because there is a very slim chance of winning life-changing money, and it is worth a pound for that. I often fantasise about being in the position to help my loved ones, and charities that are close to my heart. I just think it would be a wonderful chance to make a real difference to people's lives.

I am aware that with my little pound, I am probably never going to win, but to me it seems healthy to have a 'you never know' £1 bet.

I may come to change this opinion, but this is my strategy for now as I go forward.

So, this is day 2. today I will not gamble.

Yes a £ is a £ bet gambling wise and I'm sure others will disagree with you on that one....personally I choose not to do it but at least your honest and I bet (excuse the pun) there are most prob loads diaries on here not mentioned their weekly lotto dream ticket...take care lass and be careful x

I f****d up.

I thought I would make sure my gamblock was working fully, as even though I downloaded everything it asked me to, I was getting a message everytime I turned PC on.

Turns out it wasn't.

Have checked it now and it is working, but I bowed to the temptation for a few hours before sorting it out. I think it's because I wasn't expecting to have that access, and then 'bing!' I find out my PC is not blocked and I could have a sneaky £xx before sorting it out.

Im starting to sound like Baljit. Tomorrow is day one.

Hi Freda

Thanks for the support on my diary.I dont think you have f****d up at all Freda.I think you have been let down.You can admit to being a cg,so you put the appropriate blockers in place and it hasnt worked.Im sure everyone will agree there is a big difference between yours and Baljits diary.You deffinatley try.Lets get this diary back on the road Freda.You can do this.All the best Jeff.

Thanks jeff, Im on a mission!

I need to watch my Rocky boxset or something I think, get some fire in my belly! triumph over adversity!

Im having a workout now, then shower and back to work. It's not as hard after the first few weeks, if I can get through those... I think things feel a bit flat for me after just getting married. Its just back to normality now.

I definitely struggle with reality!

Hi Freda

Thanks for your post and kind words on my diary, when i had my slip up i thought i f***** up big time, but i was wrong. It was the turning point in my recovery which as you know has been a struggle to say the least. We have all got different goals in life and mine are to give my boys the best life possible. You where right about the counselling it helped me a greal deal to get my life into prospective and i am learning to live with myself (sound nuts but thats me) lol.... You and i started our diaries and recoveries at the same time and i can honestly say your diary has no comparisons to Baljitts, hes a joker, you are not..I am very grateful for all your help, kindness and support, and some wacky conversations, lol

Anyway did you watch those rocky's??

Normality, that's what i guess we all aim for, i have that now...At first i found it dull now i enjoy a life without all the dramas gambling used to cause me!!

Anyway this is a long post for me, ooops sorry.. take care Freda. ands xx