Gonna give it up for good....

Hi and well done for posting and finding your way here. Im new here to but already feel so much better for reading people's posts and for sharing my thoughts and feelings. One thing really hit home, how I would happily spend hundreds on slots yet be counting every penny on shopping and anything else. Its mad when you really think about it. Still these are the things that remind us why we should stop. Stay strong and thank you for sharing

Bex x

Hi I've just seen your thread and thought I'd pop by well done for admitting you have a problem that's the biggest part I can only suggest what helps me that's keeping busy I can relate too the things you've said and it isn't easy the invisible pull doesn't seem to go away I'm still trying to find my way too but good luck x

Thank you for your kind messages. I have been sat here tonight and I actually think boredom may be my trigger....don't get me wrong, I have LOADS of things I COULD be doing (ironing, uploading things on ebay, working out) but once I put the kids to bed, I'm just so worn out to do any of those things, and I really think now online gambling has become such a habit for me, an horrendous habit. Kids go to bed by 8, by 8:05pm I'd be on my laptop, in a trance for at least the next 3 hours. It's not gonna happen anymore. I'm even considering banning myself from the laptop for a bit, as it seems I can't just sit here and say watch tv - I had to have the laptop on in the background.

I'm really hating the gambling withdrawal symptons - I know its such a good thing - not having those horrendous feelings in the mornings of remembering what I'd lost the night before. I'm just feeling really twitchy at the moment. I can't do anything, thankfully, as have blocks on and have self excluded. I feel like I should be shouting whooooppieeee as loud as possible, but I don't, I feel crappy, agitated. Hoping these feelings don't last for long.

Hoping everyone is ok. Feels like its gonna be a long journey, but would prefer to do this journey now, rather than in a years time when I would no doubt be in a much bigger mess.

K x

Feeling soooo much better today. Tuesdays are usually my nightmare day! It's meant to be my cleaning, getting shopping and housework day as the kids at nursery and school. It's the only time I'm off on my own in the day without them. It's also on many occassions been the day where I have rushed home from the morning school run to sit down and gamble for hours on end! Ridiculous. Today however, I've done all the food shopping, ironing, cleaned the bathroom, cleared a debt as they accepted a heavily reduced full and final offer. Whilst online, I stupidly went to one of the sites to just 'have a look', but thank you, thank you, thank you K9 blocked it. I'm loving K9. I know full well that I cannot give up online slots with just willpower alone, but this block means I physically cannot do it. Feeling soooo positive at the moment.

Hope whoever reads this is having a good day. Keep strong.

K X

Hi give it up
You have all the right tools in place currently so keep at it and stay strong. You are doing well so far and you should be proud of yourself
Take care
Cheryl xx

I feel really really strange, in a bizarre, but very good way. I have NO inclination whatsoever to gamble. This has never, ever happened to once before in over 7 years. Well, it may have happened say the morning after the night before I lost hundreds, but I'd be back on the sites again come the evening for the trance like state I'd gotten myself into. This post is going to be quite a rambling post, but I need to get my feelings on here, especially how I am feeling NOW, just in case I ever get tempted, I can come back and read this.

In the past I've set reminders on my phone 'close all online accounts', never did it. In the past, I've 'cooled off' - then what did I do, did a google search for more online slots, and open accounts with other companies. Months and months ago I read about downloading blocks like k9, but the simple fact was, even though I was losing, far more than I was winning, I DIDN'T WANT to give up gambling. I DO now, and I feel that this is it. Yes, its gonna be a struggle, and I've got a lot of money to pay back. It's fantastic though to see money in my account! My rent and most bills come out the 1st of every month, and by now, there'd be nothing left. I keep logging on to my online banking to see if my money is still there, and it is! I kinda feel too scared to spend it, as I've been so used to having no spare cash now for years. How ridiculous is it. Last xmas eve, and the xmas eve before I was gambling until the early hours of xmas morning. I remember the previous xmas I had loads of presents to wrap up for my 3 children, but I couldn't get myself off my laptop. I'm so disgusted with my behaviour. When things got really really bad I did think about just ending it all. BUT there was no way I was leaving my children. I'm a single mom, as my kids dad is just a very bad excuse for a man, and has nothing to do with them. There was no way I gonna leave my kids with him.

I do seriously think the gambling industry has got a lot to answer for. Yes, I know, we are adult and they are not 'forcing' us to gamble, but they make it very easy for us to spend loads, and even when you withdraw, it can easily be reversed. Just over a year ago, I logged onto one of my 2 bank accounts to see how much I could deposit (great) and a pop up came on my screen from them saying I could apply for a loan. o*g why did they do that! Within 5 minutes I had filled in the online form and had 3k go straight into my current account. I didn't need that money. At all. I needed it for gambling. First deposit £500, straight through, no wins. Was saying to myself - no worries, just put another £500 in, you'll get it back. That evening, in the space of 2 hours, I went through that 3k, begging the game to give me a bonus game. Never got it, just totally threw money away. I was sooo disgusted with myself the next morning and for days to come. I still carried on though for over a year though, not wanting to give up gambling. Saying in my head that I wanted to - but knowing full well I didn't really.

I owe it to my children and myself to be gamble free and a better person. I am going to do this. I really do feel like I have kicked this (this is only due to me physically not being able to, as I know my willpower is not very good) Strange though, since I haven't gambled, I've been like a smoker who gives up - I cant stop eating AARRGGGHHH! Maybe I have an addictive personality. But, you know what, I'd much prefer to be overweight than wasting my life on god d**n online slots.

Stay strong, we can do it.

xxx

Thanks for dropping in on my diary.

Great post! I can relate to all of it (apart from being a mum of three (dad of one)). What you did with the £3k last year is pretty much what I done last night. And what you say about actually not wanting to gamble, I can relate to too. It's still raw for me only being yesterday, but i'm not angry, I didn't smash my laptop up, because I wasn't looking for someone else to blame. I know it's me with the problem, and I know it's me who has to sort it out. The industry will never change so you have too instead.

You see people in betting shops going mental at an FOBT machine that just took £500 in five minutes of them. That's where we are both lucky. We know we have a problem and that gives us a massive advantage in tackling this.

Well done on your progress and being a great mum to your three.

Brad x

Thought I'd finally update my diary. I'm gamble free, and still cannot believe how easy it seems to be. I'm not taking anything for granted though, as I know, it can all go v v wrong in a short space of time. I do believe though I'm finding it easy as I WANT to be gamble free. It's not like before - It's not just a thought, or 'I'll give up on this date' or 'When I've won this much back' (yeah right). I've FINALLY put the blocks in place, emailed the companies, self excluded, so that's it - cannot physically be done, and I have no interest in opening accounts with other casinos - something I've ALWAYS done before.

I actually treated myself to a couple of sale things last night online, some boots and a coat for next winter (organised....) and that feeling I had was fantastic. I have never had spare cash before - well, I have, but within a day or too of a win reaching my account, it'd be back out, trying to win more, and we know how that goes.

Feeling really positive, and sometimes I just stop what I'm doing and feel the calm in me now, and smile to myself. Feels like gambling was in a different life (I do have the gambling debts as a reminder, luckily I pay a monthly amount though, so it's not stressing me out)

If anyone is reading this and struggling - my advice would be make sure you put blocks on your phone and laptop/tablet/computer. Email the companies, and say you have a gambling problem and want to self exclude for good. Without doing this, instead of being sat here, calm and optimistic - I know full well I'd be in a gambling trance, pressing spin, praying for a win, wasting my money and my evening. I hope everyone is doing well.

K x

Wow give_it_up, how wonderful to hear how quickly you have grasped all of this especially that you will not allow yourself to become complacent 🙂

I get literally everything you wrote (except as Brad, the Mum of 3) I smiled @ you just stopping still & appreciating where you are @ as I do it too...I felt the sun on my face in the Summer & now the cold on my face & it makes me happy! I also look back @ my time before recovery & all the promises I made to myself everytime I ran out of money that I would never gamble again but then only lasting until I had money again! I too am one of the very lucky ones, not floored by urges every day (I've had a few struggles - Day 18 was my turning point) & I just can't understand how I did not find recovery sooner! I didn't know this site existed (when I first tried the Internet for help, I ended up on an American site & when I rang a number on one of the leaflets once it was so insignificant, I don't even recall the concersation) & yet, it has literally made my recovery possible!

I even bought a coat a few weeks ago & wellies (warm ones, yes, they do exist) yesterday so get those treats on as soon as they arrive I say! This is a new life for you & your kids so why wait til next year to feel the benefit?

Life in recovery is good, hang onto it - ODAAT