Help

DAY 140 begins. Another weekend gone. No urges at all. Working with a life coach every Saturday morning which is helping me construct some plans for an alternate future.

I went out on my lunch break today. I Needed somewhere peaceful to be alone with my thoughts. I stumbled upon a church and decided to go in. I was the only one in there, it was beautifully peaceful. I sat down with my thoughts and my grief and had a 20 minute cry. This is the first time in my entire life I have ever let myself grieve.

It is hard to tell you exactly how I feel. Confusion, loneliness, sadness and regret overwhelm me most days but next to it is a little bit of relief. I know my troubles are behind me now, I just wish the circumstances could have been different.

Chin up Matt....you are doing so well.

Your story really hits home with me as I have been through alot of what you are going through......your life could be mine believe me!!!

Keep going.

Damo

Hi Damo

Doesn't feel like I'm doing that well the pain is unbearable a lot of the time. I'm doing all I can to move forward but I miss them so so much but I know i have to forget and let them go.

I've arrived in a place as the man I want to be but without everything I truly wanted around me. The support has come from my friends, my councelling and my family but I cannot help feel so down about everything I have lost.

Day 140 has been a tough one

-

Matt

Firstly congratulations on 140 days GF that's a tremendous effort and something I will be striving to do I'm currently 56 days GF !

Have just read your diary over the last few hours mate and can relate to every word said in your diary mate as I thought it was myself I was reading about ! Like yourself I have lost the 3 most important people in my life my wife and my 2 boys due to gambling but also like yourself I had sent messages to a lass albeit it was only on a couple of occasion to someone I knew from years ago,this has caused carnage to our relationship. I can relate to everything you've said in your diary as at this moment I am a total emotional wreck and cry every day n night at not being with them but on the outside try to act the big man ! My heads in bits at the moment and I can only take positives from your diary in helping me along the way ! Like you I think I get snippets of positive stuff only to get knocked back down again ! I've got to agree about counselling as I'm getting a lot out of my session as to why I gambled n that's what I need to find out for myself ! Keep your chin up mate and I will look out for future posts.

"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"

Darren

Hi Darren

Thanks for taking the time to read my diary, long painful read I am sure. I am too scared now to read back. The past few months I have been to hell and back on repeat and totally destroyed as a person inside and out. I am still devastated. I haven't seen or really heard from my ex in about 6 weeks now, the last time I saw her and her daughter was at a pantomime. I love the, so much but I know I will never see them again now which is the ultimate price.

I have just read your diary, it seems you have put your wife through a lot and may have to pay a similar price but think of the positives, your kids. They should be your inspiration to quit gambling forever now and build an amazing relationship with them. Put them first but to be able to do this you have to come to terms with your past mistakes and forgive yourself. This is the part I am struggling with the most, I hate what I have done. Your wife and my ex may never forgive us, that is their choice and we cannot influence that now. However to get through we need to rebuild our lives on the foundations of the lessons we have learned. The New York part hurt me too, I took my ex there to propose December 2015, one of the happiest days of my life. I cannot tell you how amazing that girl was and I f#cked it all up, something I may never get over.

Sometimes the hardest lessons learned are the ones that we need mate. Losing your wife is the ultimate price to pay potentially. I can't tell you what I have lost. The most beautiful, perfect fiancee, her daughter who I loved as my own, a stunning home and life we had started to build together that I could not have drawn a better picture of. It is all gone now and I have to start again. However this time I start as a person who will never make the same horrible mistakes again.

allainepo wrote:

Day 140 has also been a non gambling one, it may sometimes seem easy now typing in the day number without giving it the respect it deserves. Thinking back to your gambling hell what would you have given for 140 days gamble free? You are doing so well on that front. I know the losses are hard (relationships not money) and i hope you can get past them in time and be that better person in the future when something comes around again. For now though lets just hope day 141 is a little brighter.

Thanks for your post Allaine. The way I feel now I would not have traded 140 days gamble free for what I have lost but I know in the long run it all had to happen and I really did hit that rock bottom. They say there is only one way to go from there and that is what I have to keep faith in.

I know now if I had told my ex about my gambling at the beginning she would have stuck by me and helped me through it all and all the other stuff would never have happened either. I had zero faith in myself to be loved or to let her into my life unconditionally and that has cost me everything.

Day 141 I have a mountain of mistakes and regrets behind me but I am hopeful I am walking away from that and I can look at them from a distance in the future after I have arrived at a destination where I am happy again

DAY 142 today, no gambling or urges. My head is clearing more looking into a new path for my future. Feels strange wondering what it holds for me. The only certainties are no gambling and to not make the same mistakes as before, they have totally defined me now and I have real purpose and goals in life now.

I have to turn all th emistakes of my past into a positive.

Day 144 begins. Was at the darts Yesterday, surrounded by adverts to Betway and people betting. I just had a few beers, a good time and had no urges at all to bet. I truly am out the other end of this illness, I feel it in my soul.

Nice one Matt good on you, an inspiration to all on here

Well done.

Malc

Hi Malc

I don't feel that way but I appreciate that. I really do hope my story can help others avoid the same destructive paths I have taken.. I have been to rock bottom, I am probably half a step up from there . I am still emotionally destroyed and feel the pain every single day but I know the only way through it is not gambling and to continue to straighten out my life. I am a good person and will be a better man for my experiences. I have a huge sense of loss which overwhelms me on occasions but I know I have to move forward day by day and part of that moving forward is leaving my mistakes in the past.

My low self esteem problems created this gambling illness and led me to self destruct, push people away and lose them from my life. I am so grounded now and so ready for my next chapter, whatever that maybe. I cannot say I am excited as that would be a lie but what I can say is I like the fact I have no secrets, no skeletons in the closet and I fully understand what led me to this point in my life. I want to be proud of myself one day for overcoming my problems and hopefully creating a life from scratch that gives me fulfillment, love and a real purpose to be the man I always wanted to be.

Keep going everyone GF is the only way.

Day 145 done. What a ride I have been on. Looked at myself in the mirror this morning and smiled for the first time, came from deep within

Matt,

What can I say. A roller coaster of a journey. I was at Day 49 yesterday and am at Day 1 today. For my part I will be GF and I know I will. The relationship you have with yourself is the primary one that you need to nurture now. In the future, there will be someone to share your life with, and they will be very blessed. Your story is a advertisement for why people should not gamble. You have made me think about my own experience, and made me resolved to be stronger and fight everyday.

I sincerely wish you all the very best that this world has to offer you.

Warmest wishes

Juliex

Thanks Julie, congratulations on day 49 that's great you can get there again and beyond and create a happy gamble free life it makes so much of a difference.

My roller coaster has been the toughest period of my life and my motivation to never go through it again. I want to be the man I end up being proud of, overcoming everything and making the best of what I have left.

I'm happy inside that by reading my story it may have spurred you on a little bit more. I wish you all the best too. Take care.

Matt