Help

Stay strong Matt you have come so far and you will never change how you felt about them but as we know you have to put yourself first now and that's what matters most now !!

Keep going Pal, things will get better you know they will, After walking home last night with my dog I was crying walking down the lane to my house as I have to put it on the market next month and sell it, problem is I love living in that house, but it is in the country and there is no pre-school or after school clubs so need to moving into the town little man comes first.

What I am trying to say there is ups and downs along the way things we don't want to do but must. Put yourself first make the difference be the better person.

Anyway Stay G/f

Great job so far

Malc

Thanks guys. Malc, I am proud of you putting your family first, you are turning the corner too mate.

I know I have a long path ahead, a new adventure I guess even if it doesn't feel that way. I really want a family, that is my ultimate end goal. I have spent a lot of time around my friends and their young families recently and it is truly what I want in future now I am free of the horrible illness and what came with it. I feel worthy of love for the first time in my life but I know I won't rush it, I want to heal the correct way first and give myself the best chance in the future for some genuine happiness again.

Adapting to being single and on my own again is very hard currently, it is not what I want but it is the situation I have found myself in and have no choice now.

Just booked 2 tickets to Jamaraquai in June, my guilty pleasure so that is something to look forward to and randomly seeing him live was on my bucket list so that will be one ticked off. Life is moving forward allbeit slowly and very painfully.

Hi Matt, hang in there buddy.

Been following your journey and you are doing amazingly well - even more so given the personal battles you have been going through. All I can say is keep doing what you are doing, it's working - I see a huge difference already and in time you will see the tide start to turn for you.

I was at my lowest point of my life just less than a year ago and by not gambling I have been able to do so many positive things but most importantly changed who I am, and set the foundations to a better future so when I do hopefully have a child I crave for (like you) I will be a better person. That's what you are doing now - time does go slow in the early months but it won't always be like that.

Stay strong my friend - well done on recovery to date 🙂

Day 157 begins.

Thanks Tommy, it means a lot that people like yourself are reading my diary and commenting. It encourages me to A) keep documenting my thoughts and feelings and B) talk to like minded people who have been through tough times and have faced similar battles.

I just read your diary from start to finish and I cried mate, your loss is tragic and to get through that period gamble free is incredible, your daughter would have been proud of her dad mate.

I like you have attended and continue to go to councelling and it has revealed a lot about my childhood and like you again issues regarding my father. It has been eye opening and I have had deep rooted issues for my gambling and other compulsive behaviours. I am so free of it but will never be complacent, I am fully understanding of where I am today.

I know I am getting there, I am still very very down and the regret and loss I feel hurts everyday tremendously. The positives though are I am a better person, my past is a messy one and one I deeply regret but if it gets me to the place I want to be it all happened for a reason.

The focus is staying gamble free and enjoying what comes with that. No more lies or deceit and no more need for self destructing behaviours that fuelled my low sense of worth. I am addressing it all not just putting a plaster on the gaping wounds of my past this time.

You are right, foundations are the key now, your words inspire me to keep going, time is going both slowly and quickly hard to explain. It is hour by hour, day by day now for me. I know the ups will be minimal and the downs very down but as time ticks by I hope the good soon outweighs the bad.

Stay strong everyone x

Thanks for your kind words Matt, means alot.

Not sure if you have seen it but as you seem to be a deep soul like me watch the dcomunetary by Alexis Conran (Real Hustler guy)

Best hour you will spend - you won't regret watching it - took alot from that to be honest. You'll cry again so have the hankies ready 🙂

Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W2HqF4x8Bc

Take it easy!

No problem Tommy, I truly felt for you.

Thanks I will watch that tonight.

Matt

Matt, there is a beautiful future waiting for you. You cannot see it, but there is. There will be a lovely wife, who creates a lovely home, with some lovely children, and it will all be yours. Hold on and have faith, you know were you heard it here first. You had a lucky escape with your ex. Good decent people, don't tell stories to children to turn them against other adults in their lives. That was for her benefit only. You do need to move on. Get that house sold, and walk down the road of happiness. Your ex will find that there arn't a lot of decent people out there like you. Take heart. Keep busy, keep positive and move forward, and when you least expect it, and maybe at a concert, you will meet someone...Embrace being single. get yourself straight, enjoy life and spend time doing the things you love.

Julie xxx

Hi Julie

Thank you so much for you lovely words. I hope all that happens and you will be the first to know.

I have not been decent to her so I understand her anger, hurt and frustration. I messed it all up and don't deserve her for what I did but the fact did remain I never got a chance to make ammends and I truly would have done for the rest of my life. I now have to move on and offer that to someone else some day. I

Day 158 today.

Had a nice evening yesterday saw my niece, it really helps me having her around. I have a massive hole in my life where my exes daughter used to be, so any precious moments I get with my niece mean so much more now.

I have my councelling tonight then tomorrow I am off to catch up with an old friend in London for lunch. Sunday I am off to see a friend for coffee who is going through some serious health issues. Puts my problems in perspective as he waits for a kidney transplant. Then later I will catch up with another old friend for lunch/cinema man date. Keeping busy helps me heal my wounds even if they are deep at the moment.

Stay strong all.

tommy190416 wrote:

Thanks for your kind words Matt, means alot.

Not sure if you have seen it but as you seem to be a deep soul like me watch the dcomunetary by Alexis Conran (Real Hustler guy)

Best hour you will spend - you won't regret watching it - took alot from that to be honest. You'll cry again so have the hankies ready 🙂

Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W2HqF4x8Bc

Take it easy!

I just watched the documentary, oh my God that got me so badly. Eye opening, tragic and yet more fuel to go on. My end will be very different to his father. I am in tears writing this. That letter said it all 🙁

Matt,

I was exactly the same as you in tears my little boy's dad will not end up like that.

Have a great weekend.

Malc

Hey Matt great to catch you in chat earlier. I have had a read of your diary and its fab to read how well you are doing in your recovery, the days are mounting and you are making your future so bright, keep it up.

On the other hand its a real shame to read about your ex. Sadly a lot of women are masters at playing mind games (my ex was a total headcase!). Your ex actually sounds like my ex, I suggest you steer clear of her and find someone else. From past experience I believe she will come crawling back as they usually do, I think you are better leaving gambling and her in the past, you deserve way more from life, you sound a top bloke.

Good luck pal!

Good talking to you too mate. Yeah the gamble free days are piling up and I feel good for that for sure. My life feels horribly in limbo but I am hoping it will be resolved soon once the house is either sold or bought out etc. I am hoping that summer starts to put a smile on my face because it has been traumatic to say the least.

My ex won't be back and that's fine with me, she made her choice to run for the hills lobbing grenades in my direction. I want to be on my own now and heal the proper way. This experience in a way saved me as it made me address all my issues and brought me to the place I am today, gamble and trouble free. The only damage now is a massively broken heart but that will heal in its own time and I can hold my head up eventually and say to myself... I got through it and it's made me the man I am today.

Day 159 today.

Set off to London early as lots swirling round my head. Spent the morning in Hammersmith. Had a coffee and watched the world go by. It is weird being on my own but I guess I will get used to it.

Off to meet my friend now. Hope everyone is staying strong and enjoying a gamble free weekend.

Matt