Matt 24 wrote:
Contemplated suicide tonight. But I'm still here. Day 96 is tomorrow. Finding it hard to type as I am numb. No bets but my life and others lives are destroyed by this. I hate you and what you have done to me
Just had a brief look at page 4 of my diary, bit like a car crash I did not want to look but still did. Just seen the above entry, if anyone is reading my journey please please take note of what gambling can really do to you.
Sometimes I think we have to read the past so we can truly see and feel the pain to remind us where we never want to be again.
Don't worry about your Ex that is gone and never coming back, I had the same s**t with my Ex she had an affair with a guy at her work then he would beat f**k out of her at the weekend and she used to phone me and tell me about it she is still with the guy. That is the reason why my little boy stays with me, bless him.
life is far far easier with out gambling, sad at times I agree but so uch easier..
Anyway onwards and up wards
Malc
Hi Malc
I am not quite ready to re-live the pain just yet but I hope one day I can look back and be proud of myself and my recovery despite all the horrific pain I experienced.
Yeah my ex knows how to turn the screw but I am growing resilient to her now. I have made mistakes etc but I know from here I am going to be someone I can be proud of. I have learnt so so much about myself and I truly feel free and I actually feel like I have been given a big chance to be re-born now.
Appreciate your comments as ever Malc. Feel like I would like to join you for a beer someday!
DAY 171. Thought I would upload a profile picture of my gorgeous Niece and me. She has been a massive part of my recovery I love that little girl so so much.
Hi Matt.
What a lovely happy picture and well done on all those g.f days you have clocked up. You must feel so much better in yourself. Best of luck on your journey.
Our Lady
Hi Our Lady
I am slowly getting there, thank you for your kind words and warm wishes.
Matt
Day 172 today.
Busy weekend ahead, one that I am looking forward to. Football, beers, a boat party down the thames and then mothers day on Sunday, treat the old girl to lunch.
Stay strong everyone.
Weird feeling tonight. I am back at my parents as I have an early start and they live near a train station. I'm in my old room which is now actually my nieces room when she stays so the decor has somewhat changed!
My folks live in a bungalow and I've just had a flashback to a few years ago when my ex and I first started seeing each other. One night she knocked on my window drunk and desperate to see me as I had been away with work. Really wish I could go back to then, let her in and hold her in my arms again. Moments of weakness I guess are natural in the grieving process.
Day 175
A lot has happened in this time but I have remained gamble free. Once I get this house situation sorted life can really start to move on and that excites me now. A few more hurdles to overcome but what a life I plan to lead from now on.
Stay strong everyone.
Well done day 175 good man,
Baby steps you will get the house s-h-1-t sorted out then just move on, you can achieve what ever you want as long as there is no gambling.
Stay strong Stay G/f
Malc
Thanks Malc,
No gambling planned for the rest of time and I know that will in turn create a great future.
Day 176, 6 days away from 6 months no gambling!
Stay strong all.
offfaaaa 176 days now that a result,
Monday 6 months get right in there.
Malc
It is amazing how the days rack up so quickly, you will find the same. You are smashing it mate so keep it up Malc.
Day 177 today. Not had any urges for a long time now. Mind focussed on work and sorting my house stuff and detaching from the ex so life can start properly. I just want my fresh start to begin properly now.
Stay strong everyone, if I can do it anyone can believe me.
Day 179. Went to see my folks last night as my niece was there. She was in the garnen on her trampoline when I came round. As soon as she saw me she was screaming Uncle Matt, Uncle Matt and frantically trying to unzip the safety net of the trampoline to get to me! She ran up to me and gave me a huge hug and said I have missed you so much and am I staying for dinner? I said yes and she was dancing round the garnen like a loon. It really did make my week and made me realise again how important the small things in life are and reaffirmed that I am going to be okay.
The rest of the evening she stuck to me like a shadow until she went to bed, I have a very special bond with that little girl and I know it can never be broken.
Stay strong everyone a life gamble free is the only way.
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