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Thanks for your kind words too Jax.

you're welcome Matt

Keep on that road to recovery, take each day one at a time

Jax

Day 3 GAMBLE free with another mountain to climb.

Hi All.

I have sadly come back here to report a major relapse. I have no idea how I arrived back in this sorry position. I am posting to hope that I can help others from re-lapsing the way I have. I had so many positives and reading back this diary provides me with hope and despair all at the same time. I went a long time gamble free and even managed to get out of horrible debt and save enough for a house deposit and bought my first house in September 2015. I was immensely proud.

Now, just over a year later I am back to square one. I have managed to rack up over 20k of gambling debt all in a few months of a crazed haze, fuelled by chasing my losses. It started with one day out at the races. After that day my brain became alive with the thrill of gambling and I found myself opening up accounts online to be able to bet. I had self excluded from so many web sites but I managed to find new sites and then it began.

I am ashamed and in a mountain of debt again all due to this horrible demon I thought I had firmly locked in a cage.

I am here to re-affirm, obstaining is THE ONLY WAY. If you have one bet you risk striking that match and lighting that forest fire again.

U done it before Matt u can do it again. I was debating weather to go the races in March as a yearly this we all do but after reading your log its one thing I won't be doing. I'm only on day 10 so far. I'l be following u on here and really hope you come back stronger then ever and beat the s**t out of this addiction. U done amazingly so do it again mate.

Thanks mate. I appreciate the reply. Nobody knows the real me other than this forum and probably my bank! It does help to get some of my darkest secrets out even if it is in writing on a computer! I have self excluded from all possible avenues I know and am determined to beat it again. Day 10 is a massive acheivemnet even if it doesn't feel it yet. Just know the urge will always live within you so you have to remove yourself from the places the demon can break free. Sounds extreme but that is exactly what it is to me. An inner demon who I cannot control unless I do the most basic of things. Wake up each day determined not to gamble and go to bed thankful I didn't. Look at what you can lose and remember the huge losses and dark places rather than the "big wins" or potential to win some money back with a few "harmless bets". If you have that demon it will always find a way to break free. You have to control this beast however you can.

Day 4 and already I feel better. My focus is again on repaying the debt the proper way rather than chasing my losses. Whats done is done and the line has been drawn . I am 4 days wealthier as no doubt I would have lost more money if I had gambled.

You do not realise who you become when you are gambling. Yes the thrill is there but other things get put to the side. You don't realise you neglect other things. My missus and I have been having small arguements recently and she said that she felt that I have not been there for her recently. Her words....you are there in body but I feel like I am talking to myself and all you care about is football. (I haven't told her about my problem which I know is wrong but she is also now my motivation to get better). We sat down and played a board game and had a glass of wine and the buzz of contentment I got from that outweighs any big win.

Day 5, no bets today. Tomorrow is the test. Football coupon Saturday.. I will not gamble!!

Well done mate f**k the coupon thats wot I say. You'll probably lose anyway & most of all you'll sicken yourself for going back on your word. You girl sounds says the same things as mine. Sometimes she's talking to me and I think just hurry up I need to check the scores. That sounds awful but that's wot I'm like when I gamble. Keep going mate. We r in the same boat we can do this.

Day 8 GAMBLE FREE. Managed to get through the weekend which is always my biggest test.

I have minimal money to get me through the rest of the month so feeling pretty P#ssed off I have found myself here again.

On a positve note, I feel like I have a lot more clarity in my head, the cloud of gambling haze has lifted and I am thinking straight and back to reality. The reality however really isn't very pretty and a big mess to tidy up. You are right though M.f we can do this. Thanks for reading my diary and replying, it does help knowing someone can relate and hopefully help you too by doing so.

Thanks for dropping by on my diary Matt.

Well done on your 8 days and for getting through the weekend. They are certainly the hardest so far, especially when all the short priced teams win, but I just think to myself 'you would only have re bet the winnings' and I soon forget about it all.

Keep going mate, here is to making it through the week and beyond.

RA

THANKS RA.

I have tried not to follow any of the scores as the frustration will feed the problem I feel.

Half way through Day 9. Wish it was day 999, but baby steps and all that.

Stay strong everyone.

Day 10 gamble free begins.......

Feeling really restless today. Not with an urge to gamble as such but itching to find something to focus on to replace it I guess. Almost a sub concious feeling.

Day 11. Another weekend fast approaching. Big tests ahead to my resolve

Day 11. Another weekend fast approaching. Big tests ahead to my resolve

Day 12, still no bets. Feel a bit of relief but big challenges ahead I am sure. This diary is helping.