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Hi Lightsout,

Your words are extremely kind and thoughtful and even more so appreciated. I am no hero, I am just someone now who wants to lead a healthy life and find some happiness. I think when you have been to the depths of despair you appreciate the good times even more. I hope what you say is true as if you can find any additional strength from reading my diary it makes it all the more valuable to me.

I want to help as much as I can anyone who has been gripped by this illness. Stay strong, it can be done and there are plenty of people here to help along the way.

DAY 262

Last weekend was supposed to be my stag do...15 lads in a Villa in Marbella......strange how life changes direction. I would have loved that but I have never been happier as I type this entry.

Looking forward to the weekend. Today is my last day at work until next Tuesday (first holiday I have taken all year). My best friend is coming down from Leeds for the Weekend so looking forward to a break and spending some time together. We have known each other since the age of 4, which is all the more impressive since he moved to Leeds 25 years ago. We have been best friends all that time, way before the days of social media and mobile phones we used to write each other letters and phone each other on the landline every Sunday when it was cheap enough to do so!

Tomorrow we will head to the beach and out for a few beers in the evening. Saturday heading to London as tourists and then in the Evening ticking off another bucket list thing....Watching Jamaraquai in concert at the O2. (his music is my guilty pleasure, love it). Sunday we will head back and then my folks are coming down for lunch. Monday I will just chill out and my friend will head back.

None of this will involve gambling and never will it again. Life is for living not to be consumed by a gambling haze.

Have a good one everyone.

Matt

'Never been happier' fantastic! Blimey Jamaraquai is he still going, enjoy 🙁 Your diary is proving to be inspirational too many and rightly so. Have a fab weekendm take care S 🙂

Have a fandabidozey time Matt..you've most certainly earnt it...
Funny how things pan out isn't it !
Just shows you made the right choices all those days ago...
Have fun love x

Matt, have a super weekend, enjoy having your friend to stay and all of the things that your going to do. Your an inspiration to us all.

Keep smiling.

Julie x

Dear Matt,

thank you for your continued support on my diary, I really appreciate it. I hope you had a great time with your friend - well deserved indeed.

Day 267

Mixed feelings today. Had a great catch up with my best friend over the Weekend. Friday we spent the day chilling out and then went and hit the town Friday night, that was fun. Saturday up early with a headache to travel to London. We did the tourist thing which was fun and then headed to the O2 to find out the concert was cancelled! We made the most of it though and went for food and beers and stayed overnight.

Sunday morning we travelled back and my folks and brother headed over, first to re build my front fence and then go for lunch. In the evening my friend an I went out to the pub and played a few games of darts and had some dinner. Yesterday we went for a country walk (we walked 8 miles) we then came back and I cooked lunch. The day went downhill though. Firstly I had a speeding ticket come through which now means I have 9 points on my license and I am now walking a tight rope! Then another show stopper from my ex. My brother sent me a post she had put on facebook. She is on her NON hen do and telling the world how amazing it is and how she has been lucky enough to escape the biggest mistake of her life (me) and find the love of her life etc.

I know that is the narrative she has to tell herself and everyone else to avoid facing how messed up she really is, you wouldn';t need to post that rubbish on facebook if you were stable and happy. She has met the love of her life (because that's how disney does it) well until next time that is! Lucky escape for me for sure, I just hope her daughter somehow survives the messed up world she is stuck in.

Thanks all for your comments they truly help.

Matt

Hi Matt glad you had a top weekend despite the concert not happening.No comment on the speeding ticket lol but as far as the Facebook bulls*** if someone has to prove(mainly to themselves) what an amazing time there having, like you say speaks volumes. To be honest if any of my friends behaved like this I would think w*f.So this maybe an ideal point for you to draw the line, know it'S not about you but about her. Also although you obviously care about her daughter don't beat yourself up over something you have no control over, easier said than done I know!!! So cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself, you've been through a traumatic and emotional journey with the gambling recovery and break up but are heading Into a bright future that you thoroughly deserve. Take care S:)

Sharon, thank you, as ever your words are exceptionally thoughtful and kind. I am doing my best in moving on and I guess some days will always be harder than others. Part of me cannot believe how she goes about things but I know I am better off.

I am feeling for the first time in a while, a little low, nothing traumatic but I guess a combination of having my best friend going home after being around to talk to every day and maybe missing some companionship in my life. I am gaining strength every day and gambling is a thing of the past but there does feel like there is something missing I think.

I am on the path and I know the future has to be bright but a bump in the road knocks me a little, even now.

Take care all and keep fighting the good fight.

Matt

HI Matt,

I'm new to the site and have just posted my opening story under 'Support Needed'. Hopefully we can help each other.

Thanks

Chance

Great diary (if you get what I mean). Sounds like you dodged a bullet with that one 😉

Life will always throw s**t at us we just need to deal with it the right way.

Matt I totally understand, you are stronger than many but are also human so fair play. I guess we all have people in our lives who we'll never 'get', I for sure will never understand my ex and his lack of parenting and for 8 or 9 years this ate me up inside but I had to draw a line for my sake and my daughters. But again everyone is different and no one can put a time limit on being able to move on. So please don't be hard on yourself and I wholeheartedly agreed with Itmattersmore!! Take care S 🙂

Jesus Matt I've just read your entire story I had no idea what you've gone through. Brought a tear to my eye. The part where you relapsed mirrors me so much it was like reading my story. Can't express how much I want you to do well in life. Very strange feeling that way for someone I don't know, this is my first ever forum of any kind. I'm also now realised I'm no where near rock bottom and have no reason to feel sorry for myself. Very inspirational story. Stay strong.

Day 268

Wednesday already, weeks are flying by! I am now just over a month from day 300!

Hi all.

Sharon at the end of the day the only person's actions we are in conrol of are our own. If we battle on and be true to ourselves the people who deserve to be in our lives will be. That is my theory and I am sticking to it :-). You don't need to understand anyone else and it sounds like you have come to peace with that as you will never get the understanding and answers you craved.

Itmattersmore, bullet did hit me but only a small scar now, I am stronger than ever.

Chance, yeah it has been a hell of a ride, I have cried enough tears to last a lifetime believe me but you have to go through pain to truly heal. The pain and heartbreak I have endured has saved my life so it happened for a reason. I appreciate your empathy toward me it means a lot and shows the person you are. Maybe you haven't hit rock bottom but are self aware enough now to know you have to do something about your addiction. If my story has in any way helped anyone it has been worth the pain and documenting it.

Keep going, we are all in this together.

HI Matt,

I am right behind you, and have 7 points on my licence. I got them within two days of each other, one going to the dentist and was in agony, and lost concentration (no excuse) and the other late for work. I vowed never to get another penalty point and touch wood, have been okay. Just mind that, because loosing the licence is a serious thing. I am not lecturing, I am in the same boat, but do slow down....

As for you ex....Facebook is a wonerful thing for making life seem wonderful isn't it. People put on there what they want others to know about them. Staged photo's and carefuly drafted status. Can I just ask, why your brother is on FB with her? I am not being critical, but you have moved on from all of that, so what does showing you her post on FB achieve, she probably knew he would show it to you. Don't feed into that drama. You have been doing so well. Life will have dips and highs, and dips again...we all get them. She is the past, focus on the present, and more importantly the future.

Sending a hug, and for god's sake slow down 🙂

Julie x