Help

Day 38. Still not gambling. Just turned down a day at the races. All my friends are going. I made some poor excuse but I cannot be in that atmosphere any longer.

Matt

Parent of a gambler here and your posts are giving me hope. I know the debt paying can be a real chore and a weight but if you compare that weight to the heavyweight of the stress of the gambling and those debts doubling because of it - your life definitely sounds so much healthier without the gambling. Looking forward to you posting on here in a couple of days to say you have reached the big '40' - please let us know because good news like that gives all of us on here a real lift. Well done Matt and good luck for the future.

Hi G

The debt paying is hard, I am hoping in a couple of months the debts start showing a sign of decreasing because at the moment I am really struggling. My last gambling binge was utterly brutal to my finances. This is a mess I created without being fully aware of how deep I was in. The money just becomes numbers, almost not real until you stop gambling. Then the numbers become very real.

Managing my finances the last couple of months has been tough. I have had car repair bills and a speeding fine to pay and have had to take out a pay day loan to do so. I feel a bit demoralised by this but it is nothing like the feeling of the losses of gambling. The highs are not even high really because you as a person become lost in a gambling haze. My relationship and work are a lot better and that can only be because I am not gambling. Denial is a strong thing when you are cursed with this illness so as a parent I am sure you have been fed many lies and cover ups by your son/daughter just to cover it up.

It can be beaten, I am sure of it but the only way is to NEVER bet or gamble. Not even 50p. This illness lives deep within and will never go away, admitting that is a big step. I know I have to live with it and keep it locked away. f I don't my next binge is just around the corner and that is the one that could have me living on the streets. Dramatic but it is the truth.

Day 42 is today. There are no milestones for me. It has to be a never ending clock gamble free now.

Thanks for the good wishes too. I hope your son/daughter can beat this too. I feel for anyone who's mind works the way mine does.

Day 44 today. No urges to gamble today but feeling pretty low scraping money together so I can fuel the car and get to work! I need to get through to payday. What an idiot I have been.

Hi Matt

You are doing great. Seem to already have the mindset. Dont dwell too much on the debt. Its there, it was always there and will slowly start to disappear. Focus on where you want to be and where you can see your self in 6 or 12 months.

Day 46. Worst day of my life. My relationship ended yesterday as my web of lies and deceipt came to the forefront.

I have officially lost everything. Nothing left to lose now. This dark demon has destroyed me and my family. Rock bottom is finally here, a long time coming.

I am on my knees, wondering how I will ever get back up again.

THIS IS A MESSAGE TO ANYONE WHO WILL READ THIS.

DO NOT GAMBLE, EVENTUALLY IT WILL TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING.

Hi All

Today is a good day. Yes my life truly ended on day 46 but it also began.

I lost my relationship as my addictions came to light, heart breaking. That relationship was based on lies and deceipt so it wasn't real. I am utterly remorseful but now know I have to leave them to move on. Until I am well again and can beat this I cannot have a relationship based on lies.

Day 1 today. Yes I haven't gambled for 40 odd days, however. I have finally told my close friends and family about my gambling after keeping them for 15 years inthe dark. They now know the real me and their response has utterly blown my mind. The support just incredible.

So my new message to all. The only way to beat this is to NEVER GAMBLE and No more hiding this. People can help you. Talk to people they truly care and with that support you can win.

Another day gamble free lost track really as this last week has been so emotionally draining with my relationship break down. The only positive is I haven't gambled and this is the ultimate end goal. The rest will follow.

Keep it going big man 🙂

Day 51 it is today. Feelings of sadness, humiliation missing my family. But I still have not gambled, miracle really. I guess I have to take the positive in that but does not feel that way currently. Thanks for reading and commenting, it does help keep this diary alive.

Start of day 52. No gambling urges but I guess my mind pre occupied wondering how my beautiful family are. So scared of the future.

Off to a councillor tonight to talk about my problems. I feel totally lost and full of grief and regret but today I will not gamble.

Day 53. An utter emotional mess, going through a horrible break up and potential house sale. Living in hotels, in friends spare rooms, have to go back home as I have no where to go. I have the world against me. But finally I have shone that torch on the horrible demon that has lived with me for 15 years and finally showed it the door and told it to get the f#ck out. Everyone knows about you now, you can't intimidate me anymore, I am free.

How was the counsellor Matt?

It's ironic that the thing many people find such a comfort can be so destructive huh? You are absolutely right to have shown it the door & whilst things are very painful @ the moment, you are facing them head on & making yourself stronger! Now that it's out, addiction wont ever be able to do this to you again so long as you keep it @ bay!

Keep your head held high because even on your worse days you can look back over them & say with pride "today I did not gamble!" - ODAAT

Councillor was amazing. After I left within 15 minutes I was on the phone to my nearest and dearest to tell them my secret of 15 years. The sheer relief of this I cannot explain and the support I have received, incredible.

The mess I currently sit in just feels hopeless but I will find the strength to get through it.