Here goes nothin :-)

hi clare, good to hear that things are leveling off for you

take care

love

rusty

xx

Hi all

have been posting and catching up and i have posted a few things on others diaries that i thought i'd like to have on here too

living again is a wonderful feeling isn't it. i sometimes like to sit back and soak it up for a moment. in company or alone just sit back quiet and remind myself why i'm in recovery and why i dont want to be that person anymore.

and i dont think your a b*****d of a husband - i'm sure your wife has lots of wonderful memories - you're an 'ill' husband - this is a disease. i'm sure she does have some unhappy memories - just like my family and come to that who doesn't? thats life. but now you're giving her happy and very PROUD memories. i'm sure she's a very proud wife who has a wonderful husband on the road to recovery.

i need to remember these things sometimes because they apply to me as much as the people i write them to. i too have made people miserable and i am sorry for that. but i have spent a long time feeling bad and letting people take advantage of that, guilting me into things because of what i have done. no more! i am a different person now, i'm not claire the gambler - i'm claire the recovering gambler. i've never been a walk over with my family and friends but where my guilt of my gambling is concerned i have let them. i read in an entry that to give up gambling is like turning your back on a friend. i always felt that way. but on the end it said you would never let a friend treat you the way gambling does

that is so true - i have such high expectations from my friendships - i believe that i am a v good friend and i expect a standard back. this must work because i have my family, about 10 very close friends, about 75 friends and countless people that i 'know to speak to'. this has really triggered something in me, remembering gambling as an old friend - it treat me like s**t! whats to miss! i've removed people from my life who have treat me nowhere near as bad and i'm d**n sure i dont miss them! how can i miss it? How can i want it? how can i be fond of it? this is very bizarre, i've been coming here almost a year and i still manage to see my recovery in a whole new light. i suppose its good, moves recovery on, keeps it fresh. its good to keep it fresh i suppose always learning and moving on.

gonna go now, take care all, claire xxx

hi clair it was great to get the post yesterday i so glad you r moveing on i would still like to thank you for the early days in my recovery i hope i make it to the year mark like you you semm to be doing so well and i am realy glad for you all the best and keep safe steve xx

Well done claire almost a year, have you been clear all the way through? i love to come here its really helping me and i am only on day 10! Just cannot let myself get complacent, i have to remember why am here and reading all the posts keeps it all fresh in my mind

Take care xx

hi all

just a quick one am missing CSI, am really glad i spent the time i did last night posting. its made me remember why i'm here and how much i value the support and friendship here. sometimes i come on in auto pilot not actually thinking about what it means to be here and what the people mean to me here. (((((((steve)))))) thanks for your post, always lovely to hear from you keep safe my friend. (((((dave))))) i have posted your diary, thanks for your post, 10 days is great.

Take care all, claire xxxxxx

Thanks claire, well at least your sticking at it thats the main thing, excluding yourself from the bingo was an excellent step, anything that stops the temptation. Hope you enjoyed CSI . I know what u mean about being on auto pilot in here, so many posts to take in. But its so worthwhile . Keep going . just remember when you wait for that last bingo ball to come out for the full house you may as be waiting for number 91 as you will never win in the long run.

Take care

Dave xx

Hi Claire

Great to see you taking control and seeing your recovery in a different light. I don't think it matters how long we have been recovering for, we can still do things to improve our situation and move us further away from our gambling pasts. You mentioned that you thought you were a very good friend, a great quality to have as friendships are so important in life. Now that you are clearer over your recovery, i'm sure this quality as well as many others that you possess will only become stronger.

I would agree that at some stage I saw gambling as a bit of an old friend, now I think I view it in a totally different light. For me gambling was the friend who was nice to my face, but would stab me in the back at any given opportunity, and would still my girlfriend away given any chance. Thats not what I call a friend, and if I gave them another chance, they would steal my whole life from me. Thats not going to happen.

Good to see you still here, doing well, take care...

Doodle

Hi all

hope everyone is ok. have been having trouble getting on because i've been so busy. work work work. and sorting finances boo hoo 🙁

although we did hear on the news today that the cost of living has gone up so much lots of people are struggling. it gave us hope (me and my mum) because we are seriously floundering. dont get me wrong i'm still trying to get finances in order since last gambling spree but the everyday bills are a real struggle. problem is i want to move out and my family rely heavily on me being here. rock - me - hard place 🙁

it'll come right. what will be will be.

will come on and spend some time here posting etc in the next couple of days.

take care all, claire xxx

Hi Claire,

lol! Know what you mean - the ends aren't meeting - just getting further apart - and the only good news is that we're not the only ones! lol Great to see you, sweetie!

Love,

Kerrie

Hi claire, money is definitely the root of all evil!!! but then even years ago before money was the currency people still gambled for other things!!! I do think it is part of our human conditioning to want more than we have! its only when we realise what we have in our lives is enough then we will truly be happy.

I am hoping by focusing on my family and giving them my time rather than dwelling on the money I have wasted and feel I could have given them so much more materially, I will finally be able to push my addiction to where it belongs, buried deep and never to be dug up again!!

Keep staying strong and focused as you are a lovely person and we all deserve to live a normal life. I do feel this is akin to an illness and we can self medicate to cure ourselves.

All my love and good thoughts. Jan the nan

Hi all

thanks to dave doodle kerrie and janet for their posts on my diary. am struggling with urges at the moment. they have come from nowhere took me by surprise. although i have self excluded from bingo there are plenty of other options where i can play bandits. have to try not to think about them. keep myself safe using tried and tested methods. its not easy tho. money is tight tho so that helps although given the chance i'd go and put wot little i have in a bandit. god this P****s me off. get sick of the urges. wish it would stop, be normal. wots normal? ha ha.

take care all, claire xx

hi clair iwas going to post in the mornning but will post know i am feeling for you tonight you helped me so much on my first night i wish i could help youplease try and be strong i am feeling x4 P***** off for you right now that you r haveing these urges please try and relax do somethig good but please do not gambil i feel so strong at the moment and that is down to you like i say i have watched my sons gf dad on the bloody evil fruit mc and it was not nice just wont you to know im thinking of you love and thoughts to you clair steven xxx ps lol stroll for life

Hi all

am just checking in. had a very uneventful few days really. have still been having the urges but just keeping myself safe. am off work for 2 weeks now so thats nice. going to visit a friend in sheffield on thursday for a few days so am looking forward to that. just chilling out and taking it easy. got the first and second series of greys anatomy for christmas so have been ploughing through those. really enjoying them. hope everyone is ok. am off to have a look and post now.

take care all, claire xxx

Hi Claire. Thanks for your post on my diary. I'm so sorry you are having urges again. I was struggling with them a few weeks ago, but they seem to have passed now. I guess keeping ourselves busy and "safe" is the best we can do sometimes! Enjoy your visit to Sheffield. Being from the U.S. that brings to mind Def Leppard! LOL LOVED them when I was in high school and college. 🙂

Take care, and stay safe.

Love, Anna

Hi all

just checking in after my time away at sheffield. had a lovely time. it did me good to get away. amsterdam in may half term. so much to look forward to. just need to crack these bloody urges. driving me mad. it just doesn't seem to let up at the moment. still onward and upward. cant let this get on top of me.

take care all, claire xxx