Here goes nothin :-)

Hi all

Thanks to Anna, really appreciate your post. Not much to report really. Quiet Sunday afternoon, been to bingo and won £40 so that was nice.

Went to school this morning and put the finishing touches to my classroom ready for tomorrow.

Then nose back to the grind stone. I'm glad to be going back really. Less time on my hands and this is a brilliant half term with christmas plays and parties etc. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!

Take care all

Claire x

Just posted peg and wanted to move something across that i feel i can look back on

Unfortunately this is where i am at the moment

it felt like i couldn't stop.

in some ways, i didn't really want to.

But this is where I am heading and want to go

well....i didn't really have to 'quit'....i just had to not gamble...for one day....and i can do just about anything for only ONE day.

the next day....I just had to not gamble for THAT day...just the one.

As always peg your words are inspirational as is your success. (TWO YEARS!!!)

Claire xxx

Hello Party girl - welcome back 🙂

I know it s*cks to have to come here again..but geez...your post, upon returning, sounds great...you're right....the first time we reach out we ARE clueless...what happened to me? how do i stop?

it helps to know we are not alone and that there ARE things we can do to help ourselves...sounds like you're doing them 🙂

glad you're here.

Love,

Peg

One more thing...

wanted to mention about the volunteer work....

I think it's a HUGE step in recovery and is something that I rarely see mentioned here at gamcare....but...we are often very focused on ourselves...our pain, our debt, our faults, it can be extremely helpful for us to put some of our attention on others....and I have a soft spot on my heart for hospice too 🙂 it is the volunteer work that i have chosen also.

hugs.

Hi all

Thanks for your kind words peg. Hadn't thought of the voluntary work like that. I'm going in for some admin or shop work - i find work pretty intense, i work with children from quite a deprived area, I want to help but I dont feel able to cope with more hands on. The hospice is a cause close to my heart - they nursed my aunt for about 3 months before she died and they were wonderful. Feel like i'd like to give a little back. I think its a great move in my recovery now you've said it peg - I do spend time thinking/wallowing etc. Time to think of others, have another focus.

Thankyou for your post Peg, I had to smile at the party girl - i've nearly forgotten who she is 🙂 although I intend on finding her again. She resurfaces when I am gamble free - I become fun and lighthearted again. She'll be back 🙂

Take care all

Claire xxx

hi claire... i have just spent the last hour and a half reading your diary and didnt realise it went back too march 07 thought it said 08... oops... good read though... i guess at the start when you first posted you werent ready too quit the gambling... everything should have been set in place for you at the start ie self exclude from everything bingo... arcades.. that way you wouldnt have slipped as soo many times as you did.. i llaffed though when you said you werent addicted too bingo at the start of your diary,,, then slowly but surely it started a new addiction... i hope everyhing goes ok with your parents house and you now start your new life of non gambeling with the proper barriers in place im 29 also well u maybe 30 by now lol) and believe me setting these things up takes less than half an hour but will make you feel sooo bloody much better take care shell xx

Hi all

Thanks shell. Its been a roller coaster thats for sure!!! I've been thinking for the last few hours since my last post and I was quite shocked. I do not consider myself to be a selfish person - I pride myself on the kind of person I am and am proud of how my friends regard me. Yet when I gamble I am selfish.... How awful!! I've understood the hurt I've caused, the upset and the pressure - both through my gambling and during my recovery and yet I never thought about the selfishness. God that hurts!!! I cannot stand the idea of being selfish and yet I have been and am being. While I understand I need to look after me I pride myself on how I care for others. Maybe this can be a new angle to my recovery? Start with the voluntary work but always bear in mind the selfish side to this thing. When I gamble I know how it hurts my family in so many ways - I have never considered it to be selfish before.

Also i confess to shedding a tear before after writing about being a party girl. I miss her!!!! I know I will not party like past times - i'm 31 in January ( a girls got to grow old gracefully ) but I know exactly why she has disappeared, its almost like gambling kills her off. Like there is no room in my life for her while I am gambling. I suppose there isn't - with no money I cannot party, with low self esteem and depression I cannot party and its a terrible pity because I LOVE TO PARTY!!!

I've just read that back - there is no room in my life for alot of things when I gamble and its always the most important things that go first.

Well not at the minute, not for today. I'm gonna take my life back - one day at a time!

I have not gambled since Thursday!!

Take care all

Claire x

well claire get that party girl back....u can do it just use the barriers..yes gambling makes u selfish.. but only you can stop that hun xx

hi mate how are you this morning hope you are well wish i was young again lol .i am sure you can get the party started so long as you keep of them evil machines . i have got my 4 days off from now .i am takeing my long suffering wife out for a meal only w/spoons you know stake night £5.49 lol no partys there but plenty of real ale for a grumpy old git lol got to get back to baby sit my grandson hes only 5 mth old love him to bits .hey so dry them eyes and get back to the party girl you are take care for now speak soon steve xx

Hi all

Just a check in. Thanks for my lovely message steve, you cant beat steak night on a Tuesday although the Curry night on Thursday is my personal favourite. Its a bargain curry, rice, popadom, naan bread, mango chutney and a drink for £5.10. Bargain!!!

Still gamble free since last Thursday. Not alot to say really, am very tired today so think thats why i'm empty headed.

Take care all

Claire x

well done claire nearly a week!! thats a massive achivement tc shell x

Hi all

I came on yesterday wrote a post then deleted it by mistake! Not alot to say really. My friend has come to stay yesterday and possibly tonight too. We went out for a few last night (330am we got in!! a few indeed)

Not alot to report really - am really snowed under at work so have brought a load home with me. Need a rest really! think i'd like to go away for a few days. something to think on.

Take care all

Claire x

seeeeeee the party girl is starting to come back xx

Hi all

I've just come on with a few thoughts.

I feel a very weird sense of success about this attempt at recovery. Dont know what it is, just feel focussed and ready somehow. I have started to make plans, things I cannot do if I dont have the money - if i'm gambling I cannot afford those things. Holiday next year thats already booked, I'm going to start my driving lessons in the new year, and i've been thinking about having children in the next couple of the years. I refuse to bring a child into this mess and chaos I have created. Haven't decided on how I will have my children yet but theres plenty of time for me to think it through. I feel like i've so much to look forward to, optomistic and gambling is not a part of that. I feel really peaceful, calm - optomistic. This is nice 🙂

Take care all

Claire x

Hi all

Just a little check in. Been busy all day with work stuff. Have also been trying to get finances in order since my blow out. It doesn't get any easier unfortunately. Am still trying to get up my nerve to self exclude. Have not been in and have no intention of but I know all that could change in a heartbeat. Just cant stand going in, the shame and embarassment! Wish I could just get a form, fill it in and send it in with a photo. Does anyone know if this is possible - what the rules are?

Gonna go - am watching SVU.

Take care all

Claire x