Here goes nothin :-)

Hi all

well its 11 days!!! oh my goodness, longest time in years i haven't gambled for. nearly at 2 weeks, i like the sound of that 🙂

have had a really good day, busy days are always good - no time to think. same again tomorrow which leads me to.....

i have a dilemma, wondered if any of you had any thoughts??

i'm going out with a friend for tea tommorow, he's now asked if i fancy going to bingo afterwards. i genuinely do not have a problem with bingo, can take it or leave it. i only ever went to play the bandits, bingo was an excuse to get to them. admitedly it will be a huge test but i do feel ok about that. however as it is gambling will i lose my 12 day status tomorrow by going. i know all the things that are:- gambling bandits, bookies, bingo, race nights etc but i tend to think of only bandits as the demon because thats where MY problem lies. i genuinely feel that i'm ok to deal with the test of not going on a bandit while there - but is it ok to play bingo?

hope you are all ok, am unexpectedly going babysitting for a friend so when i get back i'll check in on you all, should be about 11pm.

take care and thanks for reading

its 11 days since i gambled 🙂

Claire xxx

Hi Claire,

Hello Claire

Well done as well on the 11 days - that 2 week marker is so close now and belive me you will feel so great when you make it (and i am sure that you will).

My personal experiance made me realise that it was very hard for me to even go to the Cafe early on that had fruities, and putting your self in a bingo hall with those lovely flashing lights would be very hard situation and yes as you say, it would be a good test, but do you really want to put your self to test right now?

With regard to weeahter Bingo is allowed or not - only you can make that decsion, but i had a similar thought a few days back )i think i posted on it) about how i have never been one for bookies and as i walked past one day i thought - "i wonder, should I" I didn't and i am pleased as I really think that it could have turned into a replacement for the fruities.

To give myself permission that a certain part of gambling is ok would only increase my use of that part of gambling, what i mean is you may only start with a couple of games of ingo here nad there but if you get that feeling (or worse still if you win anything) you could start going back often and then more and more still using hte phrase"its ok, i can take it or leave it " until you suddeenly start a new post on here with the words "I can't stop playing Bingo, I think about Bingo all the time" etc

Kims message rings so so true and (althought i am ever so jealous of her huge lunch break) it makes a very good point.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say, its a little late and y words aren't quite flowing as i hoped that they would .

Maybe after dinner - take him to the bowling alley (if you have one near by) Ten pin bowling is one of those games that can be so much fun and it really doesn't matter if you miss or don't get a great score - its about having fun and wearing dodgy shoes.

Anyway I hope which ever decsion you make works well and please come on and let us know how you went - I'm really rooting for you to make that 2 weeks mark!!

Luv Scott x

Love to you, Claire...whatever you decide 🙂

Have a great day!!!!

xoxoxo

Hi all

well i went to bingo and all was well. had a pleasant evening. i went to meet friends afterwards at the pub. drank quite alot and played on the bandit. dont even know why i did it. unfortunately i won!!! so i have no learning curve or reminder of why i shouldn't. i know i shouldn't and my sensible voice is saying 'you wont feel like this when you lose'. notice 'when' and not 'if'. i know i will and i dont want to become the panic striken, guilt ridden, mess i become, walking home from the bandit shop praying and thinking how i can recoup the loss i just had. i feel sick just thinking about what i've done - dont think the hangovers helping! feel i've really let myself down. tomorrow would've been 2 weeks and now i'm back to square one.

have already decided i am not going out to the pub for the next 2 weeks, give myself a breather and not let alcohol play a part in my addiction. need to be straight headed, because i am going to do this, i dont know how but i soooo want to. ps peg it would seem when i'm in a pub there is not a small amount, too little an amount that i would play with. do you think it can differ in different environments. my finances are with my mum still, i didn't have a vast amount of cash - had i been in town wouldn't have entered a bandit shop. it wasn't enough! am so mad with myself!! will post again later - when i feel a bit more with it.

today i will not play a bandit 🙂

claire xx

((((claire))))

back to square one? I don't really see it that way. *DAY* 1...but it's not quite the same Day 1 as it was the last time, was it?

THIS day 1, you know that there is hope...THIS day 1, you know that you have been able to abstain for nearly two weeks, that it is certainly 'do-able'...THIS day 1, you have learned to face this one day at a time, to put up roadblocks for yourself..to identify urges...Lots of things are different THIS day 1...PLUS...all of those gamble free days that you had? You get to keep them 🙂 You've already lived them and no one can take that from you...

For me...this time around...the important thing has been to identify what went wrong for me the last time and make changes to protect myself in the future...I want my LAST day 1 to be my LAST day 1 🙂

hmmm different minimums in different environments...never considered that claire..but now that you say it..I'm sure that that applies for me as well...as a matter of fact...even when I decided that 10 was my limit...15 or 20 was enough to go into a local bar or restaurant to play video poker, but I would never have gone through all of the trouble to go to the casino with only 15 or 20 dollars. hmmmmmm

also... do you think that...even though you were FINE at the bingo...that just being there somehow triggered you? or do you think it was just the alcohol? maybe combination?

Don't be mad with yourself. Learn from it and move on 🙂 You're doing great, Claire!

Love to you,

peg

xoxoxo

Hi all

thanks peg, you've made me feel alot better about things. am thinking more clearly now that hangover is passing. i think it was a mixture of both the bingo and the drink that resulted in my gambling last night. i think the flashing lights at the bingo tempted me, made me want it and the drink made me lose my self control. i do wish i hadn't done it but feel i've got to draw a line under it or i'll drive myself mad. i now need to plan to try and ensure it doesn't happen again. this would be not going out drinking for a couple of weeks (have an evening plannned easter weekend) so wont go out til then. also not going to the bingo either, although it didnt happen there it definately influenced it. keeping busy too, find this works and mum keeping control of finances (these are notes to self while i'm thinking clearly) i've decided to give myself little treats, dont have a lot of money at the mo but can run to a hot chocolate in thorntons cafe 🙂 gonna try to do something every other day.

one day at a time, be strong.

2nd recovery 1st day and i have not gambled today 🙂

take care all, hope you're all doing ok.

claire xxx

Evening Claire

Hope your feeling ok, its great to read from your last post that you have identified the possiable problem areas and are planning to find ways around those in the future.

That is what this process is all about.

To give up any addiction, be it drink smoking or gambling I feel that it normally entails quite a life shift, quite a change of routine and doing different things in a different way.

You have mentioned in your last post what you think the areas are that you may find yourself vulnerable in and are doing something about them.

Peg is so right (as ever - she really is amazing) that this day one is "so different to your last day one" as you are wiser and stringer than ever now.

Rembering the feelings from this morning will help so much too.

Keep strongClaire, I am really rooting for you and most of all keep on posting and let us know how you are doing

SCott x x

Hi Claire,

Just got back from my travels and have been catching up on diaries....

Sorry to hear you had a slip and how upset you've been...but as Peg says it may be Day One again but it's not Square One. By my calculations in the last 10+ days you have been at least 90% gambling free! And I know that 100% would be even nicer, but it's definitely better than even 50%.

The great thing is that already you are back fighting, thinking about the triggers and how to avoid them in the future. I reckons slips are there to remind us of how awful it is after we gamble, and to get us to take extra care in recovery...

As Peg says (another great Peg quote!)...progress not perfection!

(((hugs))) hope you are OK xxx

Susie x

Hi all

Thanks to you all who posted me, really appreciate your support. when i check in and see someone has left me a message it makes me feel really good, i cant wait to open it and read it. hope you are all ok.

have had a funny day really. feel quite numb. dont feel the need to gamble, dont feel worried about it. i haven't been anywhere or in a situation where i would've been in danger of gambling. had a sleep in and went to town (which can be dangerous when alone) but went with a friend (who knows about my addiction) and had a coffee. i suppose tomorrow will be different again, never know what you're going to wake up thinking. am a little worried though as i have had several bouts of depression and i do start to feel numb before going on the downward spiral. not going to worry too much, i know all the signs and where to get help if needed. i'm also thinkingwith everything over the last 2 weeks - giving up gambling, my slip - i'm bound to have mixed days, we'll see what tomorrow brings.

have no great plans for tomorrow apart from a lazy day with my sister - this usually involves staying in my pjs all day watchin dvds 🙂

am going to go read some other peoples diaries now and post a few.

thanks for reading, take care.

i have not gambled for 2 days 🙂

claire xxx

((((((claire)))))))

congrats on TWO DAYS!!!

smile girl...you have a lot to smile about...coffee with a friend...time with sister tomorrow...LIVING!!!

downward spiral of depressio that you mention...don't worry about it...be AWARE...stay aware of how you are feeling...posting should help with that...but don't worry...are you depressed today? no?

well today is all you really have anyway 🙂

try to stay in it...we'll do tomorrow tomorrow.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

hi all

you're sooooo right peg. i think about all things i have missed out on over the last 5 yrs or so and its such a shame - but that time has gone, just like the money i have lost. i plan on making up for lost time peg, living life to the full 🙂

nite nite all, claire xxx

Hello

Good morning Claire

Hope your well this morning.

It sounds like you have really set your mind to things and changed your thinking.

"I plan for making up for lost time - living life to the full"

That is a fantastic statement, so bold and positive.

Yesterday adn been and gone and tomorrow hasn't come yet so your right, Today is right now and for living.

Make the most of every moemnt, savour evey feeling and emotion, make the most of each and every interaction that you have and most of all enjoy your alone time.

Take care have a great day

Scott

HI Claire,

Hope you are having a great day with your sister....i've just bought Casino Royale (Daniel Craig being the attraction not the Casino!) and will be relaxing in front of the TV later....

I also like the idea of making up for lost time....I don't know about you but I find it quite easy to slip into 'regret' mode - thinking about all those things I could have done but didn't, and then thinking it's all too late now. I'm 34 so it probably sounds weird to think it's all too late. I'm trying to realise that everythign that's happened in the past, good or bad, has made me who I am and therefore there's no point in regretting stuff - it's about making the most of it and realising that even the bad stuff can be used for good....

As someone said 'life is what happens when we are making other plans'.

Stay strong, Susie xxx

PS - on the depression thing, I too have suffered bouts of this over the years....

But, at college, my Psychology professor said to me that sometimes our brains only allow us to feel stuff in small doses - kind of a protection mechanism for dealing with horrible things - so do make sure you get the help if you do feel depressed, but also it could just be part of the healing process to feel numb for a bit?