Here goes nothin :-)

I'm trying to realise that everythign that's happened in the past, good or bad, has made me who I am and therefore there's no point in regretting stuff - it's about making the most of it and realising that even the bad stuff can be used for good....

Sounds like recovery to me.

🙂

Hi all

thanks to you all for your kind posts. i love receiving them, but i love posting people to. i take a lot reading others diaries, they make me think about things both good and bad - they help me not to forget. in relation to what susie said I'm trying to realise that everythign that's happened in the past, good or bad, has made me who I am and therefore there's no point in regretting stuff

i have this little theory, i believe that there are no mistakes in life just experiences, whether they be good or bad experiences as long as you learn from them they were all worthwhile 🙂 dont know if people agree with me but its my little thing. had my lazy day, done very little watched alot of tv (oh yes - daniel craig is very nice susie!!), looked in here a few times. find it a little difficult during the day, our computer is in the living room, in full view of everyone. although they all know i post on here regularly i dont like the idea they may look over my shoulder and read. i feel its my private thing and to be honest i felt embarrassed and humiliated telling them about my gambling in the first place. if i thought they saw this i'd be embarrassed all over again. sounds a bit pathetic really now i've put it down, they know i come on here, they know why i'm on here. still dont want thme to see, this is my private thing.

goona go have a look at some diaries now.

its been 3 days since i gambled 🙂

take care all, claire xxx

Just giving you a shout out claireeeee.

Hang in there, en route to becoming the most notorious primary ed teacher in disciplining them cheeeeeky kids! =)

-Q

Hi ya Claire

Jsut been reading through your last few posts and thought i would drop you a line to see how you are.

Hope your keeping good - let us know

Scotty

Hi all

qwerty you're a cheeky money.... but i like you!! lol.

Claire xxx

Hello Claire,

Just thought I drop you a line. It hard to keep up with everyone (especially with people looking over your shoulder).

It's obvious you want to change which puts you ahead of many others.

Keep working at it and I'm sure things will start to become clearer for you.

Take care, James

ps I'm not sure if that qwert is all there 🙂

Hi all

have succumbed yet again!! feel really low. ended up at the pub, only went for tea and it followed on. i cannot handle being in a pub near a machine under the influence of alcohol. i lose my inhabitions, my self control. so fed up. am not going to count days anymore, it knocks me too much when i have to go back to day 1. am gonna do like jim and say i last gambled 26/03/07 - if ever have a need to know amounts of days it'll be easy enough to work out. i realised i'd have to make changes in my life and jim you're right i sooo want to do this but i hadn't planned on being so weak that i'd have to completely cut things out of my life. maybe i was being naive? i need to start again and definately no more pubs, i've proven now twice i cant control myself so it'll have to go for now.

i'll post again leter, hope you are all ok. claire xxx

ps i think you might be right about qwerty jim 🙂

((((((((claire))))))))

it is a learning process...we have to discover what we will and will not have to do to overcome this....look at this not as a failure, but as a discovery.

Some of the things that we have to change about our lives are not easy..we may be reluctant...but then..for me...i have to weigh my options...i know where gambling will lead me and for now...i know that I am willing to go to any lengths not to gamble.

Some thoughts though, Claire...I have found this to be true for *me*...

I really need to stay away from any establishments that I used to gamble at...those bars and restaurants are triggers for me...HOWEVER...I have been able to easily attend OTHER bars and restaurants without being tempted, EVEN THOUGH the machines are there??

Now, I'm not saying that this will work for *you* but it did for *me*

ALSO...I don't have a problem going to any of my 'old haunts' NOW...but I did for a few months...

Don't beat yourself up..the important thing is that you find a way to live a happy life!!!! that's what it's all about 🙂

love to you ((claire))

peg

xoxoxo

Hi peg

thanks so much for posting me. it means alot to have your support. i see what you mean about different places and not being tempted. there's also some places i dont go on the machines in because when i did gamble i thought they were 'rubbish'. went in there last night and although i'd already lost control i didn't go on that one cos its a rubbish one. this is harder than i expected. still feeling low but know what i need to do which is a good feeling, if i didn't know how to make this better it'd be a whole lot worse.

gonna go have a read of some diaries.

claire xxx

Hello Claire

Firstly I must appolgise, i have been very wrapped up in myself recently and haven't been keeping up with reading other peoples diaryies, sorry i wasn't here a couple of nights back to offer you some support when you needed it.

I have found that this whole process is a huge learning curve for us all, learning about what works, what doesn't work and what we as individuals can do for ourselves and for each other as a group.

I have been realising more nad more recently that for me to conquer this has meant quite a life style change. To begin with I found it very fdifficult to keep the thoughts of gambling from my head, I am not saying that they have gone - because they are still present and still strong, but I have changed a lot of the things i do in my free time, be it doing completly new activities, visiting or going out in new places or even such a change of life style to the extent of exercising - eating differently, back at the begining of my recovbery process I was a regualr in the local cafe, a regular in the local kebab shop, even the local chippy new my name, and in all these places was the dreaded fruities - not the bog 500 pound ones that i really loved, but fruities all the same, it wwas habit to stand there and play while i waited for my food, The indian take away i used to use was right by the seafront arcades that had those big jackpot games and that was where i would wait for that meal to be cooked, i found that it was so habitual that going there was so so hard not to play - however going to a different chippy for example wasn't so much of a problem as i had never formed the habit there.

I have been doing some serious exercise (some of it brought on my my anger from people around) but still that too has helped focus my thoughts and feelings - exercise was something that i never did previously.

Just some thoughs about what i found good, I hope that you find some of them helpful, I hope that you have been ok today and are having a good one.

Speak soon an keep the post going

Scott x

Soctt

Hi all

well still gamble free so far! scott, its ok to want to have some time for yourself. you cant be there for everyone all the time. i said in one of my earlier posts i feel i need to look after me a bit more, maybe you've realised this now. it is difficult because it can feel a bit selfish but it has to be done. who's gonna look after you better than you? 🙂

i've been thinking about lifestyle changes too scott. i'd like to lose weight and get a bit fitter, think this is something i can work on over the next couple of weeks (its school easter hols woo hoo)!

today i did some work on the computer and worked this afternoon. went to visit a relative at teatime. was asked to go to the pub this evening but said no! its not easy and i kind of wish i was there but i know its not a good place for me to be. have read in other peoples diaries about thinking 'i'm not allowed to go to the pub' and thats not a good way to think of it, i agree! i'm thinking, i choose not to go to the pub because its not a good place for me right now, that feels better. gonna go do some reading.

take care all, claire xxx

Good for you Claire...so right..the decision not to go tonight is not a PUNISHMENT...it is KEEPING YOURSELF SAFE...TAKING CARE OF YOU!!!

xoxoox

big difference.

Hi all

thanks peg, i like that, keeping myself safe. sooo right because gambling is such a dangerous thing in many ways, emotionally, mentally, financially, socially. today has been pretty mundane really. worked all day nipped to town wi mum and ended up having tea out. when i say mundane this was really nice, my mum and i are very close - i'm very lucky 🙂 came home showered and pj's. although there has been nothing significant today regarding gambling - either an urge to gamble or my recovery - i feel very peaceful. maybe this is recovery, feeling at peace with myself. maybe i keep waiting for significant signs and steps but if this peaceful feeling i have is recovery , keep it coming!!!! feels good, not exstatic, calm and good. haven't experienced this before during my reovery and am surprised to be experiencing it so near to a slip. maybe the discoveries i made during my slip as you said peg, have made me more at ease with myself. knowing how to keep myself safe. dont imagine every day is going to be like this but if i can have a few more you wont hear me arguing!! maybe this is what life was like before i became a cg, i cant remember. this is a good day!

take care all, claire xxxx

((((((((Claire))))))))

there are ups and downs...but..it keeps getting better 🙂

so so happy for you!

xoxo