Here goes nothin :-)

Hi all

had a bit of a fed up day today. not to do with gambling although i dont think it helps, just thinking about stuff thats happened.

i like going to bed when i have days like this, i know that i usually i wake up feeling better the next day.

on the up side i have not gambled. feel strong about this, i feel secure knowing that i can recognise triggers and then avoid them. have a told a friend about the site and what it does and about how it helps me, how you all help me 🙂 he already knew about me being a cg, he's bailed me out financially many times because of it. felt he was a little uninterested about though, it disheartened me a little. i thought he'd be pleased but he was just 'oh right'. he did say he could run me to the ga meeting sometimes as he drives so that'd be good. feel a bit funny so gonna go, think i'll read rather than write. nite all xxx

Hi all

having a really strange day, feel really churned up with a sense of panic. except i haven't gambled, i've lost no money. feels weird. dont get me wrong i'm not flush its gonna be a good few months before that happens, still owe out quite a bit from gambling debts but they'll be paid by christmas then i'm gonna start saving to move out of home. dont understand why i feel like this, wondered if i'd had a dream and it was a follow on from that - cant remember if i did tho. have been out for a walk with my sister, it was nice, just chatting and walking and filled some time. off for 2 wks now so we're going to do this more often, i could do with the excercise!

gonna try and make chat tonight.

take care, claire xx

Hi all

tried to go on chat tonight but my computer wouldn't let me. what a pain! was looking forward to it aswell. dont think i have the right software or something.

hope everyones ok claire xx

hope you're having a better day ((Claire)).

no matter how bad things get, gambling will only make my problems worse.

love to you,

peg

xoxox

Hi all

thanks peg, i feel good today. have been to town with my mum. first time since i began my recovery (she works in school to so we're both on holiday). for the first time in a long time i enjoyed it, there was no problem with her bank card because i had not 'borrowed' any money - i have no access to her bank card or my own. when i say 'borrowed' i mean took without permission and then paid back when i got paid before i did it again. i would hide this by hanging onto the bank card, lying or borrowing to replace the money - until i could replace the money. so whenever we went to town i'd lie saying i'd left the card at home or something. she'd know what i'd done when i was reluctant in one way or another to hand the card over, but didn't know what to do. today was different. mum had the card, all the money was there, in tact, never touched. no panic for me, no tension between us, no panic for mum either i would think! went through town and to tesco shopping - mundane stuff but all made so much better now i'm not gambling. i feel happy!

i also know i said i wasn't going to count anymore but when i woke up this morning one of the first things i thought was 'it was a week ago today since i gambled' maybe thats why i feel happy, starting the day with that feeling of success.

something else i've been thinking about is how i'm looking forward to pay day, i've not looked forward to it for years, all i ever did was pay back money i owed out and gamble the rest - then borrow some more! vicious circles. this time although i'm paying back money i owe out through gambling the remainder will not go on gambling, i'll treat myself. nothing big. and the debts i am paying are 'old' debts, although i've had my couple of slips i did not borrow money to fund them, they were small and came out of my everyday money.

i feel optomistic today, life is good. 1 week free of gambling 🙂

and i'm living life again!!!!!

Claire xxx

Hi all

just a quick post tonight (its CSI soon) another good day. i feel in control and still feel happy. think thats the first time in my recovery where i felt the same 2 days in a row, never knew what to expect one day to the next!

looking forward to another gamble free day tomorrow and another trip to town with mum and friend for lunch. am thinking about sunday as we are having a big day out - going round the pubs - i am determined not to go in either of the 2 pubs i have a problem going into because of the machines. a couple of my friends and my sister know about my gambling/recovery so they know these 2 places are out of bounds! feel confident that it wont be an issue.

take care all, claire xx

Good to hear that you are feeling well claire and great that you have such confidence about Sunday you know you can do it.

Its nice to read positive posts like this.

On a more personal note Life On Mars is much better than CIS.

a couple of my friends and my sister know about my gambling/recovery

i find that really helps me, claire..the more people in my life who 'know'..the safer i become.

so happy for you...and i smiled at same mood, 2 days in a row...is funny... i have never been very good at 'naming' my feeling...was usually unaware of how i was feeling, or the feeling was 'good' or 'bad'...i am practicing 🙂 each on our own journey 🙂

you're doing great!!!

xoxoxo

Thanks peg and cat, never watched life on mars with it clashing with CSI - thought it looked good tho cat 🙂

off to town soon. feeling good and started a healthy eating plan (diet!) on monday. feeling really good physically and mentally. will post again later.

hope everyone's ok. claire xxx

Hi all

another good day, starting to worry that i'm being lulled into a false sense of security. however i'm just going to enjoy this feeling of happiness, contentment, me living my life. the things i have begun to notice and enjoy, silly, mundane things. i love this, i pray it carries on.

take care, claire xxx

Claire,

I feel exactly the same as you (posted in my diary) that i'm worried when i feel good (how crazy is that worried about feeling good !!) I feel that my guard is down when i'm having a good day and could easily slip back into old habits which is something i am trying my hardest not to do.

Hope you have a nice day out on sunday dont be having too much babychams its lethal !!

Take care and never forget together we can all beat this.

Hi and welcome to the forum of friends you are never alone in this we will support whatever you need you know and give you the best advice what todo, There are plenty of chats rooms in here differance time of the day where you can chat to people in here

There is also GA where you can go along to these meetings where you can talk to people who got the same the problem as you. With me I used GA and used this forum at the end of the day we are all in the same boat we are all compuslive gamblers neverless we are in here to support each other

from stephen

Hi all

thanks to cat and stephen for your posts - i'm a wine girl cat, also lethal like babycham!

finding the forum a real support stephen, stuggle to get other forms of support - no ga meeting in my area and i cannot get on the chat for some reason although i do go to safe harbour quite often now.

i have stopped counting days at the moment due to my slips being so upseting - having to reset the count to 1 again. while i was thinking last night i realised it is 4 weeks today since i have set foot into a 'bandit shop'. it actually took my breath away when i realised, i was so proud of myself. i have played on pub bandits and they can be a problem to me but my greatest losses were in these shops - ВЈ2 a go £500 jackpot. i'm not saying i'll never go in again - i hope i dont tho - but 4 weeks is such a long time, i dont think i've gone 4 days in the last 5 years without going in. i've been to town again today, with a friend who knows about my recovery. i thought on the way about the bandit shop, did i want to? should i? i was tempted to be honest. but my sensible voice - me - said no! why would you want to? think about that top you want in ***? think of the money you'll lose, you have ВЈ**, if you go in there you'll come out with nothing! i feel like i've started to reprogram my brain, its not complete by any stretch but i knew in my head it was not the right choice for me and i didn't do it!

what a wonderful feeling!!!!!

catch you all later xxx

Hi all

have had a pretty boring day today until this evening.

i went to bingo! i know this can be a bone of contention as its gambling but i wanted to. i did not touch a bandit 🙂 i felt i could do it and i was right, i knew how i was feeling in general and in my recovery. when i arrived i saw a friend and sat with her, i immediately told her i was not playing bandits anymore - think i felt i couldn't then coz i'd look stupid or a liar! i'd limited the money i took to ticket, drink and taxi fare. relating to my first post - i got a taxi home and had £1.40 left in my purse! i know on a different day i would not have been able to resist (i have thought about going other days and haven't coz i knew i would not resist) but today something was different. i feel really good about having resisted but on another occasion if i think about going will think carefully first - not everyday will be like this one - but pleased with todays outcome!

hope everyones ok, claire xx

hi claire 🙂

i hesitate to say anything because I do not want to sound 'preachy'...it's completely up to the individual what they want to do...and what I'm about to say may not apply to you at all..if it doesn't..great...just want to mention it because, who knows? it may be of help to you (or someone else who is reading here)..

I have seen this happen time and time again..including to me..

i once participated in a form of gambling that is not MY form of gambling (a friendly card game at home with friends)...I was fine. no problem. few weeks later, played again...again..was fine..but few weeks later, my cg voice started saying that 'maybe i wasn't REALLY a compulsive gambler after all...maybe I'm exaggerating how bad it all was..maybe maybe maybe'

again...this may not happen for you...just wanted to throw it out there...maybe if your cg mind DOES start saying these things..this post will help you to recognize what is happening and you can keep yourself safe 🙂

Love to you claire!

You are doing so so good.

Nice to hear you so happy 🙂

peg

xoxoxo