Heropanda conquers the world... well one step at a time

Hi ,

Welcome on diaries section and great to see you starting the journey to better future. You already near first little round number and can tell that you take recovery seriously..very well done to you.
I guess you already worked it out how to navigate over here. There is a lot of support and wisdom on these pages. The battle for life brings freedom and rewards you your life back. ..something definitely worth fighting for.

Keep posting and winning. One day at a time

Take care

Sandra

Feeling pretty sad today. Have an urge to spend money that i don't have on a revolving number of things that i don't need or want. The urge to gamble is there but it is kind of muted but i can still feel it.

Feel a bit disconnected with those around me and just can't muster up the ambition to do anything. I've been playing a lot of tennis recently but i really hurt my knee which has stopped me doing that and also walking which ive been trying to do more of.

My finances are like this, after owing £18k in October i now only owe £5k on credit cards but i have two cleared cards with credit limits of 1k and 3k. I had planned to close one of them off and keep the 3k one open but i'm feeling like i won't be able resist the temptation to spend on it and if i close them then i won't have any access to mainstream finance in the event of an emergency down the line due to my credit history.

I guess i'm most sad that i'm finding it hard to control my spending in a way which makes me think i'll never be a normal person with money again.

Feeling a lot better a few days later on and no gambling slip ups in sight. Knee is feeling better so able to get out there and active although i'm now pretty achey and sore, ah well.

I don't know if its conclusive yet but after two successive non-gambling paydays i've felt an enormous low the day after payday and i can't quite work out why it is. On both occasions i've made big repayments of debt and this time i've given myself more money to be able to go out and enjoy myself but they have been the two hardest days for sure in the 87 days since i originally gave up.

I'm luckier next month in terms of the day after payday being a saturday which guarantees that i'll be more active and with things on so that should be a relief. Managed to talk out my feelings with someone around this as well which helped so the more they know and are invested in it the easier it should be as well.

52 days going strong

Not been a great day today, for whatever reason gambling has been on my mind all day, i haven't caved in though and its currently 61 days going strong. Got an email from a casino host in Vegas saying how I should let them know if there's anything i need to make my next trip memorable (not booked one) and i'm starting to say and think around justifications like well once you're totally out of debt and provided you're paying all the bills and not going back into debt, why can't you go and enjoy that kind of offer....

Also struggling a bit with the grand national coming up, i've alway bet on this from a young age and i'm saying things like well if i just do 50p each way on 5 horses then thats not really gambling, wonder if this is the 'bargaining' stage of the change curve.

I certainly think its a good thing i shut down the cleared credit cards last month, temptation there would have been too much, as it is i'm spending too much money and will be running short by the end of the month but this is only on fun stuff like socialising, sports equipment and presents for others. I'm hoping it won't feel as bad to be without when its for a better reason that wasting it all with the online bookmakers.

Despite having these types of thoughts i do feel in a more stable mental place which is a definite plus, i'm just not quite sure how to process the whole vegas thing because i don't want to be that person with the problem forever but i do see why people are encouraging me to self exclude from this...

I appreciate that the update below might draw some criticism and i post it out of honesty and openness, not to upset people or to distract them from their own goals. This is my diary and this is what i'm doing...

On 11th April i deliberately broke my gambling abstinence by placing 5 x 50p each way bets on the grand national. It's an event that i remember betting on from my early years and its something that i do for fun rather than addiction. I've never really backed horses much but even previously i would probably have done £5 each ways so my choice of 50p each way was deliberately low to show myself that the money wasn't important.

My decision to gamble proactively rather than reactively is because if i'm honest i do want a future where gambling is open to me. I want gambling to be fun, light hearted, affordable and done in moderation, in essence i want to have a control and determination to do this on a healthy level. For everything else in life people say that everything in moderation is fine and i have for too long been an all or nothing person, its always been in my head that if i built a great wall of not gambling then one day if it did crash down, it would do so massively. I want to be able to control myself and this was the first step for me by proactively controlling it rather than reacting to disaster.

This was a test for myself and i have not had the urge to gamble subsequently, my boss even suggested we had his leaving drinks in a casino which is something i could have leapt on in days past but instead i subtly moved him off the idea and we won't be doing that. For the first time in a long while i'm starting to have real disposable income and i'm acting sensibly with that also, i have overspent in the last month but all on nice things so i don't chide myself for that.

In essence my life is going really well at the moment and the approach feels like it is working to me, i am months away from paying off all of my debts which started at about 18k last October and i have people that i can talk honestly to about these issues which really helps me.

I am also just about to book/redeem a trip to Las Vegas in July as a result of a prior relationship with a casino there. My choice to go is that the offer appears too good to be true for me and i figure this will be the ultimate test of my self discipline and self control. I'm going to set myself a daily budget and stick to it, if i do not then my method will have failed and it will be back to the drawing board. I will share my target with others and on here closer to the time and it will be a prudent figure based around available income after all of my debts have been paid off. If it were not for the offer i would not be going and i appreciate that the place wasn't built on winners and they wouldn't make an offer they didn't think would pay off but i have time, money and it could be an entertaining adventure potentially with a good buddy of mine.

I appreciate that people could read this and have their head in their hands thinking that i'm in denial of my problems. I'm not blind to see that as a possibility but i'm also not ready to write off my self control when it comes to gambling and life forever just yet.

So thats me and thats where i am

Felt like i have made more progress in my recovery so i'm feeling quite positive about things, two things to note in particular

(1) Last night i got really hammered on a friends birthday and i was staying at a friends house which happens to be very close to a casino. They went home early, gave me a key to get in and that was that. After i got out of the taxi the though appeared in my mind that i'd just been paid, had spare cash so why not go to the casino as it was only a 2 min walk away. Instantly my mind despite being quite pickled conveyed the message that this was a stupid idea and turned it into only a momentay abhoration which i rejected. Earlier in the year one of my slip ups was in a similar situation where i was very drunk and conveninence was an option. So i'm definitely learning from my errors

(2) With my adventures all planned for later in the year to Las Vegas you would have thought that my resolve to not gamble before that is a real possibility. Despite that, my approach to proactive vs reactive gambling is really starting to work for me. The difficulty i have at the moment is gauging what success looks like if i did allow myself to gamble as everyone else here seems to measure it as number of days from last gambling event.

Food for thought anyways ending this weekend on positive note.

Just checking in and i'm still going strong, so far this year my gambling events log is as follows:-

My credit file has been rejuvenated with some successes against payday lenders from 2012/3 and as a result i've just switched banks and applied for a new credit card which i was accepted for. This will leave me with one open current account and credit card with no link or history of gambling and financial mismanagement which is important for me as i'm looking to buy my first house in about 10 months time.

It is amazing to me how quickly things can turn around when you take control of your life. I really believe that gambling was a symptom for me of a real lack of self control, confidence and feelings of inadequacy and this had gotten into a real worsening cycle. I was in a bad way for probably 15 years and its so refreshing to be in a place where real choice exists with what i want to do next.

Mid June update, its been 60 days since i last gambled with my 50p each way bets on the grand national and 137 days since i engaged in what i would now consider problem gambling.

I've had some big incomings with successes taking on the payday loan lenders that helped fuel the spiral of debt and misery that the gambling helped solidify. All in all i'll have about £4k in interest, charges and repayments back from them which have mostly gone to paying off debts with some going towards holidays in July and December. My credit history has improved dramatically and i expect to be out of debt completely by August which i find amazing after being £19k in debt as of only October last year. It really is amazing how quickly your fortunes and financial position changes when you can get the gambling under control.

As some of you may have seen (if anyone reads this) i am taking a different approach to my recovery then many people on here. I do not believe that abstinence is the solution as ultimately gambling is a form of entertainment and like alcohol it is harmless in safe quantities. My challenge is and has been to control my urges to gamble and to do this in a proactive way rather than dealing with the consequences of mopping up after disaster.

To that end i'm going on a night out at the weekend where the casino has been mentioned as an end destination. I am okay with this and i know that on saturday i have the option to go or not go, to gamble or to not gamble. I probably won't suggest going but if we do i'll go there with a strict budget for the evening and i will consider this as a test for my resolve. Previously i've played with money that i can't afford to lose and now i'm in a situation which is much better with some leyway. I would traditionally have spent/risked about £200-300 on a trip to the casino, if we go there i will limit myself to £50 on gambling for the night and i promise to report back here the outcome, i'm very confident in my ability to succeed with this though.

At the end of the month i'm also heading to Las Vegas for a week with a good friend who's just split up with his wife of ten years. This is understandably quite dangerous and i get that but again i'm setting limits on gambling and the main focus with him will be on bars and eateries. The initial reason to go here was the offer of free hotel rooms and a substantial amount of free play with the casino. Ideally for me this would have come a bit further into my recovery but i'm again very confident again that i can get by and solidify my resolve.

So thats me, thats where i am and if i fall flat on my face, this has been my journey...

Hello mate,

Congratulations on your success so far and in the way that you have turned your finances around.

I'm not in a position to advise anybody, but if you read your diary back from the start, you appear to be setting yourself for a fall. It's only my opinion, but I would be careful about getting too familiar with small bets and visits to the casino, I'm guessing that this is how your problems started in the first place.

Anyway, good luck in whichever way you choose to go about it but always try to remember the damage that this addiction can cause if not controlled,

Stay strong

Russ

mutton wrote:

Hello mate,

Congratulations on your success so far and in the way that you have turned your finances around.

I'm not in a position to advise anybody, but if you read your diary back from the start, you appear to be setting yourself for a fall. It's only my opinion, but I would be careful about getting too familiar with small bets and visits to the casino, I'm guessing that this is how your problems started in the first place.

Anyway, good luck in whichever way you choose to go about it but always try to remember the damage that this addiction can cause if not controlled,

Stay strong

Russ

I can't tell you how much i appreciate your words Russ. I've re-read my own words multiple times and i can still remember how I felt at all of these stages and i appreciate that i'm going against the grain of this forum. I am attempting to recover in my own way and i'm being 100% open and honest with my experiences and feelings along the way and i understand above all that i could fall flat on my face over the next few weeks and thats why i'm keen to stay active here.

The people i love know what i'm doing and whether they agree with it or not i sense they will support me as long as i'm honest and can see that i'm not hurting myself further.

I would say that currently i have changed my opinion on gambling, i used to think of it as being so evil and so destructive but i now believe that it's not at all, its just a thing, a method or an outlet that i have abused with my own lack of control, insecurities and loneliness since childhood. This is the understanding i have taken away from 5+ months of abstinence/controlled gambling and from regularly reading and lurking in these forums.

I also can't understimate the empowerment of being honest about this to those close to you as well, that is so strong as it takes away the power of the secrecy and denial about it all, you also feel more accountable to others which has given me strength over time and i've been lucky enough to feel warmth and love from someone who i never want to let down.

So thats how i'm feeling at the moment, and i really want to thank you again for stopping by, commenting and showing you care... because of my approach and evolving thought process its been a bit of a lonely place here...

Half-Life wrote:

I don't really know why this post is being made on a site dedicated to helping those with gambling problems which are wrecking their lives and those of those around them. I'm not a CG but can easily see how this could trigger someone who is especially in the fragile, early days of recovery.

Reported.

I can see why you might say this and as a result i've not asked anyone to look at my diary or take the approach that i am now taking. Ultimately my current mindset tells me that success in beating problem gambling is more than just being related to the number of days i don't gamble and i'm on a personal journey back to normality that i'm currently doing brilliantly with.

This section of the site is for recovery diaries and as you state you're not a compulsive gambler so i don't believe you're in a position to define what a recovery is to me.

There is no right and wrong with regards to what is posted on this forum.. I actually think what Heropanda has posted reflects what is going on in his head. Which is the actual purpose of the forum. Some here post that gambling is the seventh stage of hell and then a couple of months later are back gambling(so the zealots are not always right). If Heropanda's life is improving for posting on here good luck to him. I do think Compulsive Gamblers will justify gambling always, and as a result of posting on here (maybe review) that you gamble less or not at all. Then the forum is a success. GA advocates total abstinance as do I but that is not to say we are right in every circumstance.

Half-Life wrote:

Yep. Recovery diaries. Not sharing how, where, when and how much is to be spent gambling.That should be reserved for a gambling forum.

You might not think my opinion worth having but having been been through the hell of living with and then supporting a recovering partner (along with other ex-gamblers here who I can see making the effort) I'm not happy with posts promoting and normalising gambling.

I fundamentally disagree with your approach and think it will end in disaster but it's at your own risk.

I am however concerned about anyone vulnerable reading who thinks it's a green light to try and do the same.

I'll start off by saying i don't want my posts or thoughts to be used by anyone as a green light to do something reckless but i won't censor myself or thoughts on a forum when i'm just being honest about something that has severely inhibited my life.

I'm also not saying you that you don't know what you're talking about, i'm saying that you don't know me and my recovery. The numbers i posted relating to gambling were just a record of some transgressions and also the one occasion to date where i've proactively gambled, i am aware that the formatting messed up from excel so there could be some confusion there.

The problem i have with your words is by insinuation that i have not made any effort which some could take as a very negative sentiment. In my first post i outlined my betting stats from the previous year which listed over 700 deposits to a single betting website and several thousands of pounds in losses. To date this year i've not gambled anything online (barring one instance of freeplay credit), i've gambled £200 in a casino when i was intoxicated in January and i've put 5x50p bets on the grand national in April. To me this is almost better than i could have hoped for.

I've been a problem/compulsive gambler for probably 15-20 years of my life, i've tried abstinence on numerous occasions and it hasn't worked for me, all or nothing generally doesn't thats why i'm attempting something different.

I also believe that problem gambling is a symptom of much deeper emotional distress and if you don't get to the bottom of that then your problems will manifest themself through gambling or another avenue at some stage sooner or later.

MichaelS wrote:

There is no right and wrong with regards to what is posted on this forum.. I actually think what Heropanda has posted reflects what is going on in his head. Which is the actual purpose of the forum. Some here post that gambling is the seventh stage of hell and then a couple of months later are back gambling(so the zealots are not always right). If Heropanda's life is improving for posting on here good luck to him. I do think Compulsive Gamblers will justify gambling always, and as a result of posting on here (maybe review) that you gamble less or not at all. Then the forum is a success. GA advocates total abstinance as do I but that is not to say we are right in every circumstance.

I really appreciate your understanding and kind words. This forum has massively helped as it has allowed me to share this journey with the people closest to me. Right now, two of my friends have the link to this page and can see what i'm going through and they can check on my progress and potentially ask me anonymous questions if they so desired. It's also a good log and grounding point for me and i'll be the first person to admit if i mess things up for myself because i've made this element of my life relatively public knowledge.

Things like saying i might gamble on saturday night now prompt the people who care to ask, did you, what happened, how did it feel, did you stick to your limits, was it a wise move in retrospect etc... and thats the type of positive challenging that i believe will help me

As i said above, abstinence hasn't ever worked for me in the past so i'm just trying something different in a way where the potential for disaster is muted and/or controlled...