Hope, counting the days...

So, the main part of the opening post was created on Monday 25/11/13.

I have since, not gambled or even been on a betting site (which I am very proud of).

I have adopted the view of, not banning myself from the bookmakers or self excluding myself. My reasoning for this, is because, if I take away the option to gamble completely, I think it will be harder to overcome the addiction. Whereas, with me being able to (if the urge strikes or for whatever reason) I can do so. So in the back of my mind, it is ME that is stopping ME from gambling, not a self exclusion. I have to not want to gamble on a day to day basis, to maintain my gamble free lifestyle, and I believe this approach will work best for me.

So I am 8 days clean from all forms of alcohol, drugs and gambling. I previously gave up alcohol and drugs for 4 months to prove to myself that I can actually kick the habit (I did start out with the gambling as well 4 months ago, but that lasted days!!).

This time, I am of a different mindset. I still have mood swings (not as severe as before). I am starting to actually be interested in conversations and taking part in them, as previous, people were just talking at me and I was agreeing with them.

I have still not mentioned it to my mother, but will hopefully have a plan written up that I can show her when I do eventually tell her.

I have since got back into competitive pool, I am back in my local squash league and I am now a member of my gym again (I will be going back for the first time in around 12 months!!!! :o).

A few goals I am looking to set myself are ;- to lose 4 stone, to clear debts and most importantly decide on what path I want to take career wise, as I will be 100% going back to college in September (another goal that is in my mind, debt free by then).

My next post wont be so long, I promise ;-).

I hope people relate to my story and I will be checking up on a daily basis on other recovery diaries and hopefully help people in what ever way I can.

Thanks, HL.

Hello hol and good for you on the college front. Personally I don't think you should ask for help with the debt. But if your mum is supportive I would ask for help with the addiction. You can use her to help control what you spend because you want to. You can use her with losing weight because you want to! You can use her getting back to college because you want to. Like you say no need for self exclusion but as I am learning, everything has to be because you want to.

I find when I sneak off gambling whilst I am hiding this matter from other people, the biggest person I am hurting the most is me. I have decided to quit gambling because I want to.

Good luck and keep reading and posting.

The thing is, I do owe my mum a large amount of money, but she doesn't know about all of the other loans/debts I have accumulated on top of that.

For me to set up my 10 month plan, I would need to tell her and set up to pay all my creditors their respected amounts over that period of time, so I am debt free and have a little behind me, before my venture to college.

Thanks for your post strange, I will look out for your posts in the future.

I have another clean day today, so we can now make that 9 days. I look forward to getting into double figures :-).

Thanks, HL.

The thing is, I do owe my mum a large amount of money, but she doesn't know about all of the other loans/debts I have accumulated on top of that.

For me to set up my 10 month plan, I would need to tell her and set up to pay all my creditors their respected amounts over that period of time, so I am debt free and have a little behind me, before my venture to college.

Thanks for your post strange, I will look out for your posts in the future.

I have another clean day today, so we can now make that 9 days. I look forward to getting into double figures :-).

Thanks, HL.

It's payday, I have been getting major urges today and now that the money is in my account I am EXTREMELY tempted!!!!

Not gambled from 25/11/13 and not had any trouble until now. Now I have the money in my account, I am getting the old itch, where I used to transfer my money into my online account and see how it would go.

Tonight I will not do that!

I have a small social drink planned for tonight (Friday) with work colleagues and then I have my football xmas do after work on Saturday. If I can get through the night, then I should be able to get through the weekend fine!

Going to set an early alarm for the morning to get up and go into town to treat myself to a new haircut and a christmas jumper (compulsory for the football do).

18 days gamble free, lets make it to 20 by the weekend!

Liam, being Hopeful!

I made it through the weekend, had my work party on Friday and then up for work first thing on the Sat, so no time to even think about gambling.

I then headed out to my christmas party with the football lads, didn't put a bet on, didn't even consider it!

Finally told my mum about the situation, but she is unawares of the amount, at the moment.

Now that I have cleared the air with her, I feel a million percent, in a better place.

I am starting to feel more awake than I have done, more energy and most of all, I can feel smiles creeping back onto my face.

For the first time in ages, I don't have to worry. I will get over this, I WILL conquer this addiction.

Liam, being hopeful.

Also, DAY 25! Looking forward to starting the new year, 37 days gamble free.

Liam, being Hopeful.

Day 38 gamble free, completed.

Looking forward to a clean 2014, my next milestone is 50 days. I am of the belief that breaking a large target, up in to small bite size chunks, makes it easier in the long run.

Slight urges, but nothing overpowering.

Sunday league pool starts again on 5th Jan so will need to get back into the swing of things.

Hopefully join the gym as well to shed 4 stone and give myself a massive platform for 2015.

Liam, being Hopeful.

38 🙂

Things looking up, hopefully catch up on some sleep tonight as I plan on getting my head down soon. Get to have a nice lie in, as Sunday is my day off.

I went into the bookies today and watched a tennis match on an online bookmakers website today, I have been checking odds and results, but I think I may have disconnected the gambling side out of it.

I am still on guard, but feel that I am slowly getting the hang of this no gambling.

It is strange to think, I have money left over from last pay day, and I get paid again on the 13th! That is when I will start to pay all of my bills, so it will be tough, but manageable.

Start back in the gym on Monday and pool is back tomorrow, so keeping busy 🙂

41st day achieved, gamble free. 9 more until the milestone of 50!

Liam, being Hopeful.

Today has been a good day, I have enrolled in the gym, which will motivate me and occupy me over the coming months. I also, paid a couple more payments to relevant lenders, to start a payment plan, and to get a huge weight off of my shoulders.

I have also took up another huge challenge today, my healthy eating started this morning, so I have been trying to change my normal routines and patterns.

I though, I am already changing a massive part of my life (gambling) why not make another change at the same time, to completely change me, from my old ways.

I understand a lot of people will say, you should give one thing up at a time, or that taking on too many challenges, is a recipe for a re-lapse, but I am so at ease with not handing my money over to the bookies, that I need another challenge to keep myself fresh and on my toes!

43rd day gamble free!!! Feels amazing, and only 4 days from my second pay day and 7 days from the next milestone of 50 days.

Stay strong everyone 🙂

Liam, being Hopeful.

Well done Liam that's an achievement to be very proud of.

I observed in your earlier post that you decided not to self exclude.

What do you do when the urge to bet hits you like a spade in the face and nothing but gambling fills your mind?

If you can share your method it will help me tomorrow and I'm sure other square-oners like me to take the small steps toward recovery.

God bless.. j

Hey J, hope you are well?

I did decide to take the route of not self excluding myself, but I understand this is a very risky way to go about abstinence, but a very rewarding one in the long run.

The only reason I did it this way is, I have tried the self exclusion process before, and it failed. I would look for other avenues to gamble. This way, it is always my decision, I have the power, there isn't that block in place to act as a stabiliser on your road to recovery .

Some people may need that, as a piece of mind that even if they wanted to, they couldn't. With me, it is helping me ten times over, knowing that I am giving up the addiction, by myself and this will help me down the line. What happens when these exclusions expire... This is what I worry for in the future, but if the circumstances have been the same since day 1, then the road to recovery is much smoother.

I am of the belief that you have to, want to give up gambling. Not doing it after a bad beat or in the heat of the moment. The process of abstinence, to me, is a million times easier and smoother, with the want to give it up.

I also allowed myself some money to go and enjoy myself over Christmas with friends and family, which massively helped me put into perspective, how wrong my priorities actually were.

With this method, I also need to continually challenge myself with new ideas, i.e. I have been eating healthy since 6/1/14 and I joined the gym on 6/1/14 to lose the 4 stone. So my mind is now pre-occupied with this task, and the gambling abstinence is something of a sub-conscious task.

Does any of this help, J?

Do you have a recovery diary of your own, or any threads?

I wish you well on your road to recovery, and I will be seeing you around the forum in the near future!

Stay safe.

Liam, being Hopeful!

HARDEST MOMENT TO DATE

Oh my god!

I need to give a little brief background, before I move onto the tough moment.

I used to throw thousands at the tennis betting, over the past 5 years or so, I would win big, but also lose horrendously.

Anyway, a big tournament is starting on Monday, and the draw has just been done. So I popped onto my betting account to see the odds and how they fluctuated bla,blah blahhh.

Long story short, I log in, and there is money waiting in my account....... It is a long term bet that I placed about 6 months ago, has been settled at some point during my abstinence.

So I look through a few odds, thinking, it isn't actual money I have put in, shall I have a bet and see how it goes, or should I put it on a stupid accumulator and chance it.

3 thoughts went through my mind, 1, there is no point starting from square 1. 2, I cannot be bothered staying up to watch it, I need my sleep and 3, I didn't want to let the Clean for '14 team down!!!!!

Boy was that tough!! So I withdrew the amount to my bank and I feel so happy right now :-).

For about 10 minutes the cloud descended and my eyes felt heavy again, as when I gambled.

I feel this is a major accomplishment in my abstinence.

Sorry for rambling!

Liam, being Hopeful.

47!

Hi Julie, thanks for your message and good concerns. As you can probably see from my previous post, I had a very close call. I will be stronger because of this, and this lesson, I would not of learnt, had I blocked my self.

We just have to be that much more mentally resilient.

I will be looking out for you, around the forum Julie, and wish you all the best with your abstinence, and I hope we have chosen the right path.

All the best, Liam x