Hoping i can become normal again

Thanks Ryan, if i can just keep my spare time occupied i'm pretty sure i'll be ok. I have been gambling as far back as i can remember so this is a huge challenge but certainly one that needs to be done and i think ive finally realised that i will actually never win because i cant keep onto any winnings! So the penny seems to have finally dropped how much of a pointless waste of time gambling actually is! Yes the buzz is there whilst playing the machines or watching the footy results come in but the depression and guilt felt from losing constantly is the worst feeling ever. My life is slowly improving, its going to be a long bumpy road though!

Thanks for the post Ron,much appreciated.

I'm glad you've come to the same conclusion as me,it really is a lose/lose scenario.

I've tried to give up many times In the past,I went 13 months back in 2000,my downfall came as I placed a fantasy bet of a grand on a horse that won,annoyed at myself for not placing that bet,I was soon bk in the bookies,betting larger than ever before.

That 1st bet or gamble is the one to avoid,thinking through what I would do with a win has really helped me,win or lose I would be bk gambling again.

Congrats on 2 months,especialy getting thro the festive period. Keep strong Ron.

Day 55. A day of no work today. I used to spend these gambling until i ran out of money, today i have taken my 3yr old daughter swimming and sorted out some bills. I know that repairing the damage 15+ years of gambling has caused will take a long time, but i am determined to get to where i want to be. Today has been another step in the right direction.

Thanks for your post and support Julie, always nice to hear from others on my diary. Day 56 today and another day off from work. This has been one of my main problems in the past. I am self-employed and its when i have had my quiet days that i have been at my most vulnerable to gambling. When i do work i work long hours and earn good money, however when a day came along where i had no work i would just wander into the bookies thinking i could earn £50-£100 and that would give me some sort of wage for the day. This did happen on a number of occasions but the reality is, i am 15k in debt so have always given what ive won back and then some! I think i have finally realised i dont have to chase the money when i have a day off. I need to relax, enjoy my 'free time' and prepare myself for the work ahead. This way i am in a much more stable frame of mind and also am not reducing my bank balance and getting into further debt. So today will be spent trying to save money by switching utility suppliers, a trip to the gym (although i still ache from 3 days ago!) and an evening with my family. Good luck everyone and stay strong.

On Saturday i placed a £5 both teams to score bet at the bookies. The bet didnt come in but to be honest i wasnt really too bothered. That night i still cooked a meal for me and the missus and didnt spare a thought for my lost bet. The next day we had a lovely family day out together and again gambling was far from my mind. I am quiet at work at present, doing around 3 days which pays me through the month. I am off today and have spent a lovely day with my daughter. I guess what im posting here is just an update for my journey which has taken a slight detour. I dont feel the compulsion to gamble, i have quite a bit of money set aside for now through my hard work over the past few months but am determined to keep this. I think something may have finally clicked which has told me i cannot live the way i have before, blowing thousands at a time. I just wanted to share this as i think all scenarios are worth being able to see for people. Obviously if i lose all control again i will post this. I am also aware that i have quite a few thousand pounds in the bank but have not yet used it to pay off some of my debts. At the moment i am needing it as a cushion should work completely dry up. This is the big risk but am hugely determined to succeed and keep any bets to a minimal. My head just feels different. I hope i can keep posting good news. Good luck everyone

Thanks for the post Ron and well done on abstinence since November on FOBTs.

Sounds like we have a lot in common. I dont know how long you have been in recovery although only on here since November. I admitted a problem in 2008, so in recovery for 6 years, on here for 4. As you may have read from parts of my diary I always had the goal of sports bets only but it has taken many steps and different recovery routes to get to that point which I am at now. (Counselling, much time on here, self-exclusion, gradually removing different types of gambling when I could comfortably live without them etc.) That last one has been key, I could never FORCE myself not to gamble on something, I had to get to a point to re-train my brain to be able to live without it.

For you, your problem was FOBTs, for me it was everything else in the bookmakers which was 'Live'! I have never bet on an FOBT but would bet on horses, greyhounds and virtual racing. I have known for 6 years that all gambling on sport I have done has always been with affordable amounts of money and thought through in advance, whereas in the bookmakers I would just lose all control and bet stupid amounts like £300 on a virtual race.

I really relate to your quote of On Saturday, i placed a £5 both teams to score bet on the football. I didnt win, but i also didnt feel any of the emotions i used to feel in chasing what i thought i should have won. Something inside my head feels like its changed towards gambling.

This is how I feel now too.

We also have the same position re debts and not going down bankruptcy or IVA routes. In the last 6 months I have made my payments as normal without having to borrow any more money to make up for out of control losses so thats a big step.

Good luck and I hope you can continue FOBT abstinence whilst placing football bets if that works for you. We may well be the only two people on here doing that!

Well done Ron for abstaining from fobts. Captains right,its whatever works for you.

I've never bet on fobts,lucky for me,I've been self excluded from the 2 local bookmakers in the area for well over 6 years.

If your happy just having a fiver on the footy and feel your problem is solely with the fobts,why don't you self exclude from the local bookies in your area and place your £5 footy bet on a sports only inernet site? Cut out the temptation.

I don't condone it,but if it works for you good luck to ya.

Good to see things are on the up for you Ron,long may you abstain.

Thanks for the replies Captain & Robby Box.

If i'm honest Captain i havnt really 'tried' to give up gambling properly before. It has only been at the back of my mind that i knew i needed to stop reall,y so this, i guess, is my 1st real attempt. I think thats the important bit though as this time i genuinely want to stop the wasteful nature of my gambling ways, the wasted time sat at the FOBTs frittering my money away simply because i didnt have a lot else to do and am genuinely fearful of going back down the road i know will only lead me to more stress, anxiety, self loathing, all the emotions that are felt in the aftermath of a big loss.

I have really found this site useful in helping me on my journey. Its somewhere i can come to pour out my thoughts and feelings without being judged or looked down on.

This is going to be a long road and im not suggesting it will be without its obstacles and failings but for now, i seem to have it clear in my head where the road is leading.

I have pondered what might make me have a big blowout again on the FOBTs, and that could be anything really, a bad/stressful day at work, someone P@#sing me off, an arguement with the missus, but should these situations arise i will still need to deal with the urge to gamble in the same way, whether iv'e been placing small bets or not in the meantime. In other words the fact i may have spent £5/10 here or there between the big urges, for me, shouldn't make a difference, its the control before deciding playing the FOBTs i need.

Today i had a spare few hours to myself after dropping my daughter off for her tea at her grandparents, I quite fancied a bet on the footy tonight but really couldnt be bothered trekking to the bookies and ive closed most access to any online accounts. In the past i would have trawled the internet trying to open a new account or forced myself out and to the bookies, but something is saying 'its really not that important' at the moment. Long may this feeling continue!

I guess this a trial for me and im hoping it works for now. I'll keep posting my progress.

Daughter at nursery today and my mornings work is done. I have money in the bank and dont have the urge to gamble. I recently joined a gym so that is where i will be heading this afternoon.

I just wanted to post on here 1st as i am aiming to give this site a lot of my attention for i feel it has helped me immensely on my recovery so far. Just reading others posts and their situations makes you realise how much it is possible to lose.

As for now i am going to continue with allowing myself an odd sports bet when i feel like it as my whole frame of mind feels completely different to 2 months ago. I am still keeping my guard up to the possibility of an urge to play the FOBTs but for now they remain a long way from my thoughts.

When i placed my bet on Saturday the girl behind the counter said 'ive not seen you for a long time' and this made me feel good. I was a regular in my local bookies blowing hundreds at a time on those machines and i have managed to steer clear of them now for over 2 months. My bank balance is healthier as is my well being. I will, in time, begin to reduce my debts with the money i am saving but for now while work is quiet i need a cushion (not for gambling this time) but for my family and our security.

One day i will be back to my old self.

So since i started my journey on my recovery back in Nov last year (21st) i have managed to refrain from the lure of the FOBTs. As you will see from my last diary posts i made the decision to place a sports bet last weekend and have also done the same today. Today was £10 on 2 footy BTTS accumulators (neither won, both missing out by 1 goal!). However i just dont have the same feeling of wanting to place another bet straight away after these lost. Tonight i am home alone (barring the snoring 3 year old upstairs!) as the missus is out so its an ideal opportunity to gamble. I have self excluded from pretty much every online site so its pretty difficult to gamble online even if i wanted to. Im pleased i did this as its just another addition to my armour in fighting the big urges to blow hundreds if not thousands of pounds like i used to.

I was up at 6am today as working so pretty tired tonight. Just trying to keep in the right frame of mind and remember where my life was heading were i to continue the way i was. I have so much to lose if i slip again. I feel my relationship with my daughter has strengthened as rather than doss about in a bookies for hours on end when i have no work i am trying to spend the time with her (she seems to be enjoying it too!).

By no means have i cracked this but im feeling more relaxed in myself and just taking each day at a time making sure i resist the big gambles.

I will continue to place the odd footy bet (going to try limit it to each Saturday) as this does genuinely just give me a little enjoyment without, at the moment, causing me any issues.

Like i said the FOBTs have been my worst nightmare over the last 10 years. Last January after my busiest period at work, having saved over £3000, i blew all of it in one session, in little than over an hour. Thats just ridiculous.

Keep fighting everyone. I know im breaking the mould of what most believe is the only way out from the gambling addiction (total abstinence) but for me it is early in my recovery so i'm seeing,for now, if i can remain controlled.

Ron

Ron

Fella interesting to read your thread, I hope your method of recovery continues to work for you.

Your recent change of direction reads alot like episodesin my gambling life. The fobt was also my Achilles heal, my nemesis

I would normally after getting 'caught' again losing more than I had to lose I would go through a period of abstinence, not wanting to just to appease my wifes rage. I would then start again punting on football like you five pounds a week, not seeing losses as a big deal. Why??

Because compare it to what I used to lose, my mindset.

Then unconsciously the bets grew, like yours doubled in a week that lost so no problem.

But here is where the problem started.

The week I won. The brain immediately saying ' it's winnings yours to win more with!!'

You know what's coming next. Collect the winnings quick tenner in the fobt, my lucks in!! Followed by all the winnings going in and a trip to empty the bank account.

The ever decreasing cycle of destruction again began.

So I read thread today thinking is Ron a lucky loser??

I write this not to tell you what to do Ron.

Truth is fella being told what to do is the worst thing to tell a compulsive gambler.

I today accept this. Recovery is bespoke, you have to find a way that works for you, bottom line is it won't affect my life so I personally just want to share this journey.

Yes alarm bells rang in my head.

But not to say your way is wrong, you gift me a great lesson, for which I thank you for sharing through writing honestly about your oen thread. I tells me in black and white why I can't place a punt of any kind.

For you I hope it is different, as we both share the knowledge of the destruction the fobt would wage upon. our lives.

Keep doing what works for you, I wish you well and hope it continues to work for you.

Regards duncs.

Duncan, thanks for your post mate. It means a lot. I am still trying to figure this addiction out i think so this is part of the journey i feel i need to follow and hope i dont slip up too big along the way. You are right about the bets increasing from £5 to £10 over the week, and just last night i placed £15 (over 2 bets). I am very conscious of these small increments and am fully committed to making sure they dont get to, what i see in my head relative to what i'm earning, unacceptable levels. Both bets lost again last night (which i'm quite used to now!) but i just enjoyed watching the results come in. My daughter is in bed by this time and my missus watching some baby program which i avoid like the plague! so i dont feel i'm wasting valuable time that could be spent with my family. I am trying to weight up all the pros and cons each time i''m considering placing a bet. I think to myself, am i rushing through what i'm doing to make sure i get this bet on, if the answers no i'm ok with that. Also, can i afford the bet, if money is tight i will not bet. Along with a few other factors i am trying to think a lot more into my gambling before i take the step of placing a bet.

The thing i am most pleased about so far is my abstinence from the FOBTs. Since 21/11/13 i have kept away from them, a long way to go yet but a start nonetheless.

I am not saying my way is going to work but its something that is for now. I am fully aware (as Duncs points out) that should i win, this may trigger very different emotions which i need to be prepared for and deal with accordingly.

One day i will become normal again. Clearing my debts and refraining from huge binge gambles is crucial to this.

Keep fighting everyone

Hi Ron

Just had a scan through your last post and a question popped into my head! I'm not judging you in any way as Duncan says it is your recovery to do your way!

My question is why did you decide to have those "small" bets?

Regards

Not updated my diary for a while. Thought I'd check in for a quick update on my progress. Things have been going really well for me. I am still following the route of allowing myself small sports bets when I have the time to place them (ie so its not going to eat into any work/family time). Since my last diary post I have placed 2 bets, totalling £14.50. Both lost! All i bet on now is the both teams to score coupon. I am not in any way encouraging people to place a bet, I must emphasise this, I am simply sharing my journey with anyone who cares. I totally understand abstinence is the chosen route by most and I'm sure has been proven to be the most successful. However for me, the fobts and online blackjack have always been where I have lost my money (£3200 in one sitting just over a year ago). I have now not played these for nearly 3 months and feel completely different. I believe my problems before have been made worse by the fact that deep down I didn't really want to stop playing these machines, still thinking that 1 lucky streak would see me right and clear my 15k debts. Well I now fully understand this will never happen. I am 32 and need to make sure I stay focused on my family/work to ensure our futures. I think I scaredmyself into stopping, thinking what my life would be like in 5-10 years time were I to continue on such a destructive path. One day I will become the person I used to be, for now I am taking it one day at a time. I had a strong urge last week but fought it. I will never hand over 100's or 1000's of pounds again to the bookies in a matter of minutes. Keep fighting everyone.

Work for me today was cancelled. I do have few jobs to be getting on with but only a few hours. In the past my day would have begun with a stint online, playing blackjack, trying to win a wage for the day. Most of the time I would lose. I would then head out and do the 'bookie run' where I would trail around each local bookmakers trying to make a profit in each. The problem I had was no win was ever big enough. If I were lucky enough to win in 1 bookies I would then take my winnings to the next, thinking " I'll just top up my winnings a little more", however the same old story usually followed. I'd lose what I'd won, withdraw more from the bank, lose this, put money on the machine with my card ( over and over) until there was nothing left to play with. I'd return home feeling lost and desperate to get back my money. Quite often I would search for loans to replace it ( how stupid) but with a bad credit score this was virtually impossible. I would then have to wait until the next pay came in (sometimesgetting behind on payments in the meantime. Such a viscous cycle to her in for so many years.

Today I am different though. No thoughts of logging in to online sites, no urge today to chase money at the bookmakers. Considering a small btts football bet tonight but not even sure if there's any worthwhile games on. For now, I will just carry on my day, happy I have some money in the bank ( saved up by avoiding playing fobts or online BJ ) which allows me the odd quiet day of work without feeling the need to chase a wage. Don't get me wrong, I am desperate to pay off my debts, but this will happen over time as long as I abstain from the dreaded machines. I used to think I could pay off my debts quickly by winning the money. I now realise this will never happen. I just wish I'd figured it out sooner!

Keep fighting everyone