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So I will the plan is to write a little more about my gambling, what it's doing to me and maybe a little reflection on why I am not succeeding in recovery.

Well I have been gambling since I have been 13 or 14, I mainly gamble on Horses, Dogs & Sports. I pretty much had a problem straight away. I have always been consumed by it and when gambling have very little interest in anything else. I have done two stints in rehab. So let's start at the beginning, I first got into gambling I think it was a promotion on a choclate bar. It was get three wrappers get a €1 bet I was hooked instantly. I went to boarding school by the time I was 17, I was already mitching school to gamble. My studies suffered, some of my teachers even at this early stage were noting I had a gambling problem. I found it hard to concentrate on school work, even go to class. Even to this day once I start gambling I find it impossible to stop once I am in full swing. It's always the same my head get's buzzed up, I suffer mood swings and I ingnore life. I don't even know why I gamble I don't get any pleasure from it and I know I am going to lose in the long run but I spin myself a yarn to keep me going day day. Well today lets see I had not gambled for a week till Tuesday 10th of July I had a few bets and was losing before getting back and then backing France to beat Belgium.. I was ahead that was never going to be the end was it! I did not gamble the Wednesday, I promised myself I would keep it simple on Thursday and just stick to Irish Racing however within 20 mins of being in the bookies I was gone mad and stayed for 7 hours by the end I was betting on anything. When it was all gone I rang my wife what to do what to do. There is only one choice I am sorry for rambling. But I am truly happy to be here even if a good part of me wants to return gambling and sort everything out thats nuts but it's what my head is telling me. My head is actually spinning writing this.

Just for the rest of today I won't gamble

I am not going to fight recovery

Reading back through my diaries over the years, the definition of madness is to do the same things and expect different results. I qualify.

Day 1

Just For Today I will Not Gamble

Just For Today I will enjoy Life

Just For Today I will not Carry Money

Just for Today I will not Look at Horse Racing Or SPorts

Just for Today I will try get some excercise.

Just for today I will be patient

So I am going to try do things slightly different on this recovery, I am going to post about how I am and how I feel. It's 6 in the morning and I am awake I feel suicidal. This is nothing new for me, I don't think I am going to do anything about it. But it definetly relates to the hopelessness that gambling causes. You lose all joy for life when your whole world revolves around an addiction. With constant relapse you wonder why do you bother trying to live. It's only day 1 and it is sort of to be expected my head is still cloudy and I really don't trust it. The worst thing about being a complulsive gambler is the lack of impulse control a good part of my life this has been a problem presented with gambling in the right circumstances I always sumcumb. I don't know where this recovery is going all I can do it the right things today, saying that I am making recovery my number 1 objective, life can't be spent living this way I have truly lost all joy for it. I am not going to watch sports on TV for a couple of months just to give my head a break. I don't know if I could comit to this long term as I enjoy sports and I also will be watching sports live as I follow a local team quite abit and help out with kids teams. But I am going to kick sports on TV for a while even though I enjoy it. This might be too much but I will reevaluate in a week or two not going to listen to anything about it either. I just think I need a break from the whole world of sports and who is going to win etc and possibly a break from the ads. I don't think I am in a good place to be able to handle anything suggesstable. You know saying that makes me feel better already as if my recovery is going to be boosted by it. I do enjoy sport but for the moment I am going to leave it to the side and I will look at it when I am little stronger.

I have sort of taken the day off to get my head straight, not a great nights sleep but I am happier than I was last night

Glad to hear it, sometimes we all need time to get are head straight I sometimes think us cg are the most straight headed people until we see them flashing lights or horses loading up. We must remain strong and continue the good ole fight!

Hi Frozen,

really concerned to read that you are feeling suicidal, but also glad to read that you are making plans and are altering your recovery journey slightly to account for the recent relapse. If gambling makes you feel this low, it is helpful to create new habits, even if it is means that you stop watching sports on TV. As you say - you can still go to live games of the local team you are following and are involved with. And you could watch MOTD to get the highlights. Find something that could really substitute for the time you have spent watching sports on TV. Try new hobbies and new interests, something that you can really immerse yourself into, where you are making something.

Recovery is a lifestyle change, and if watching sports live is so strongly connected to your gambling life, than perhaps it is a good decision to cut it out for now - or for good.

Please know that we are here to support you, call the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline here if you want to talk to someone.

All the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

I have to admit our patterns are similiar. I feel suicidal from time to time as well due the feeling of hopelessness even though I am not doing it. Also, I have been avoiding watching sports games (even highlights) and reading news. It helps. However, it has been hard to find habits to replace gambling.

Day 2

Just for today I will not Gamble

Just for today I will be patient

Just for today I will not watch sports

just for today I will enjoy life

Just for today I will go for a run

So day 2, I had the first good night sleep in the last 3 or 4 that's always a help. I am making a big effort not to watch sport I will review if that is fesible in a week or two but just for the moment I will steer clear. I might take up the idea of recording and watching later but will not watch live. Gambling is a big part of me and who I am, it has played a major part in the mess ups in my life and while I am on stable thinking I realise this. But I do drift into the world where I pretend this time it will be different, well the honest answer it is never different just sadly the same. The money of course is a big aspect, but the sheer volume of time and head space it suck up is bewildering. I have always hated this more. It is a sickening thought that when your losing money you realise you are going to lose the lot and you cannot stop. I would like to tell everyone I am hopeful, I am hopeful but why should this time be any different to the countless times before that I have given up. I always start with good intentions and I can get myself up to 2 or 3 months before falling back in? I am just taking this day by day and going to try to post something daily.

stay safe

Day 3

Hangover but all good

Just for today I will not gamble

Day 4

Just for today I will gamble

Well already I feel a little better and I am sleeping better too. Gambling just sucks up so much time and effort I find it hard to relax. I already want to go back to it, I don't think the watching sports ban is going to work. I feel better and hopefully I get through today I am not going to worry about the future.

Michael

Hello Michael,

I know you know what steps etc you need to take so i won't repeat them. One thing i would say is go easy on yourself for a few weeks. Yes you need to get a grip on this but its not that easy we know. It's also more than just not gambling and you need to search within for the hole inside you that gambling fills. Its not easy to look at but once you do you can start to fill it with things that strengthen you away from the pull of gambling. That give you hope and love for life that its easy to lose when we get down in addiction.

All the best!

Day 5

Just for today I will not gamble

abit tired today so I will post more later or tomorrow.

Day 8

I have cooled down, to be honest I am just happy to be gamble free. We are off for the weekend and will see what happens after this.

sjw wrote:

Hello Michael,

I know you know what steps etc you need to take so i won't repeat them. One thing i would say is go easy on yourself for a few weeks. Yes you need to get a grip on this but its not that easy we know. It's also more than just not gambling and you need to search within for the hole inside you that gambling fills. Its not easy to look at but once you do you can start to fill it with things that strengthen you away from the pull of gambling. That give you hope and love for life that its easy to lose when we get down in addiction.

All the best!

Thanks will take this on board. Hard not to be abit all over the place on the first week.