105
who on earth do we think we are, how can we do it to our families, how does this addiction grab you so bad. Why didnt I make different choices in life, everything I want, everything I dream about I could of had but I chose to gamble.
Even then I had a chance, I had the 'big win', 5 'scatters' on a massive stake. 72 hours later it was gone and I chased like never before
desperation ensued
lies, deceipt, a hidden life, why?
Will I really have to think about this for the rest of my life?
I know I need to face the consequences of the choices, im genuinely happy to sign up to never gambling again, i'll miss the lads poker nights, the stock and shares dealing but I happily forgo all that - I just wish I didnt have such a battle ahead in reminding myself, in controlling myself for the rest of life
It's better than gambling, its a better alternative than the path I was choosing, the person I have become but it doesnt mean its not draining
Day 106
One of the reasons I have gambled and kept going back to it is a desire to buy things, things that should be well within budget but arent because of the debt. The temptation comes from thinking I 'need' or 'want' something that costs £50 but I can't afford it, but if i take out £20 then I can turn that into £50+ then it will be like spending £20
So much of it has been hidden that gives space to think like that
Of course it doesn't work out, ever.
So is it the gambling that I chase, is it the lying or is it greed for wanting the item
It's not always, in fact its not often anything exciting, it might be new work shoes or new socks - basic items
Is it the gambling or is it the desperation
actually scrap the is and replace it with was
today I chose not to gamble
108 days.
remarkably my wife has worked so hard since my last relapse she has helped to repay 65% of the debt in three months.
The trouble that brings is she is starting to see the money come through and its gone without even blinking
the guilt i feel now is just heart wrenching yet I also have the relief as the debt reduces!
My mind has also wandered to checking online accounts as I'm bound to have 'bonus money' in some of them. I know wish I had managed to actually fully close them as I dont want to log in - which i need to do to close them - because i dont want to be tempted. i might have to ask my wife to be present when i do that but she will find that really hard. really really hard! I think it will still be better though than me falling off the wagon
I dont want to gamble, i dont need to gamble, i feel strong yet emotions like this remind me just how bad my 20 year addiction is.
Gambling why cant you just cough off!!!!
How can we do what we do to other people.
I'm contemplating tonight and wondering how on earth I would cope if what I had done was all the other way round!
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